I'm A Hypocrite

[carhill]

I think you're on exactly the right path. Pursue this belief with full passion and commitment, accept the consequences and live the rest of your life with the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your all. If your lady does not want you, and only you, then you can break your emotional bond with her and become available to a very fortunate lady in your new home. I've long sensed a gentleman here, tempered by the discipline of being in harm's way in service of our country. You have my gratitude and I wish you well

[EnigmaXOXO]

My delima is simple. Remain passive, thus emotionally empty, living a life with little happiness and no joy or hurt another for my personal gain. After 7 years I've chosen to be selfish

 

I understand. Self medicating and fantasy escapism is one way a lot of folks deal with clinical depression when given a lack of options. But any room in your busy schedule to consider a healthier and more permanent solution to the funk your in before it escalates? Like seeing a professional?

 

Sometimes when we’ve expended so much of ourselves rescuing another (your son and this other woman ) it’s easy to become so fixated and distracted by the other person(s) that somewhere along the line you fail to recognize that you’ve become ill, too.

[LakesideDream]

I think you're on exactly the right path. Pursue this belief with full passion and commitment, accept the consequences and live the rest of your life with the satisfaction of knowing you gave it your all. If your lady does not want you, and only you, then you can break your emotional bond with her and become available to a very fortunate lady in your new home. I've long sensed a gentleman here, tempered by the discipline of being in harm's way in service of our country. You have my gratitude and I wish you well

 

 

Carhill, that's what I have come to know. You hit it on the head. Thank you for your good will.

[LakesideDream]

I understand. Self medicating and fantasy escapism is one way a lot of folks deal with clinical depression when given a lack of options. But any room in your busy schedule to consider a healthier and more permanent solution to the funk your in before it escalates? Like seeing a professional?

 

Sometimes when we’ve expended so much of ourselves rescuing another (your son and this other woman ) it’s easy to become so fixated and distracted by the other person(s) that somewhere along the line you fail to recognize that you’ve become ill, too.

 

 

Enigma, want to thrown in a bad marriage to a woman with undiagnosed mental emotional problems too?

 

Seriously, being lonely for a particular person isn't necessairly a mental defect. Dealing with everyday life in a less than Zanex or talk therapy induced fevor likewise isn't a sign of being mentally ill. I am not and have not been a compulsive in my life. While not happy or full of joy, I'm not depressed.

 

Falling in love with an unavailable person isn't a mental defect. It's a happenstance of life.

[a4a]

Enigma, want to thrown in a bad marriage to a woman with undiagnosed mental emotional problems too?

 

Seriously, being lonely for a particular person isn't necessairly a mental defect. Dealing with everyday life in a less than Zanex or talk therapy induced fevor likewise isn't a sign of being mentally ill. I am not and have not been a compulsive in my life. While not happy or full of joy, I'm not depressed.

 

Falling in love with an unavailable person isn't a mental defect. It's a happenstance of life.

 

I think it is a bit more choice than happenstance.

[LakesideDream]

Is there not one unattached person in the world suitable for you to have a relationship with?

 

And is she aware that you are moving near her yet?

 

I gotta tell you it is pretty ballsy to assume she will be pleased with your decision.

 

I think you are in for a very rude awakening once you ruin her safe and fun fantasy.

 

 

A4a, As I have typed previous, no she is not aware. I make no assumptions about how she is gonna feel about me re-locating to her location. I learned 40 years ago that when you "assume" you are only making "an ass out of you and me". Rather I am willing to make the effort and see where the chips fall. My awakening if not successful will not be rude. I have literally considered the possibility for years. That possibility has been a part of the reason I have delayed so long in making the move. I am not an impulsive teenager. I am not moving there to live under a bridge and pine away for scraps. I may be an old fool, that remains to been proven.

 

Most important your first question/statement. No I have not come across one person in this world, attached, unattached or otherwise whom I was interested in enough to push thoughts of this other lady out of my heart. Not for one instant. If there were I assure you I would not be taking the steps that I am.

[LakesideDream]

I think it is a bit more choice than happenstance.

 

You choose who you fell in love with? I fell in love once in my life. Later, I worked hard in a marriage and learned to be deeply in love a second time. That's my career, 40 years of adulthood, wrapped up in a paragraph.

 

And.. You actually made a choice who you fell in love with. Amazing, I have never heard of such a thing.

[BetrayedMM]

This is an excellent question by BMM. And my next train of thought - Stampdaddy's situation.

 

That's exactly who I was thinking of! Started out great for him, but in the end he wasn't a happy camper. That's far worse than rejection. One thing he and I have in common, we were never rejected. Instead, we were forced to do the rejecting, kicking and screaming every step of the way, but only when our capacity to handle pain had been exceeded. That means, literally, there was so much pain it became impossible to absorb any more.

 

I'll take good old fashioned humiliating rejection any day over that!

[a4a]

You choose who you fell in love with? I fell in love once in my life. Later, I worked hard in a marriage and learned to be deeply in love a second time. That's my career, 40 years of adulthood, wrapped up in a paragraph.

 

And.. You actually made a choice who you fell in love with. Amazing, I have never heard of such a thing.

 

I have met many a charming person - some have issues that I made a choice not to deal with. Being Married is one of those issues also having children is an issue for me. Regardless of my feelings toward them I am aware that love does not conquer all. So I chose not to feel that way about them.

 

Can you not choose to get over a fear? You can also choose not to feel many things.

[Owl]

You choose who you fell in love with? I fell in love once in my life. Later, I worked hard in a marriage and learned to be deeply in love a second time. That's my career, 40 years of adulthood, wrapped up in a paragraph.

 

And.. You actually made a choice who you fell in love with. Amazing, I have never heard of such a thing.

 

Wow...I'm amazed that you've never seen this, given your age and experience.

 

I too "chose" who I would fall in love with.

 

You see...love IS a choice.

 

I've posted this several times on this forum and others. We ALWAYS choose who we'll be in love with or not.

 

If I met someone, today...that I was attracted to, she would have NO CHANCE to become my lover/soulmate/etc...

 

Because I can CHOOSE who I fall in love with.

 

You don't fall in love with someone the very first second you see them. You may well be ATTRACTED to them, but you don't know nearly enough about them to love them. You fall in love with them as you get to know them, as you feed that relationship and feed that attraction.

 

You CHOOSE to feed that attraction until it grows into love.

 

That's why this whole "just happened" theory on affairs is a load of snark. I'm around your age...and been married 20 years. Of COURSE I've been attracted to other women at the time. But the difference is, I recognize that attraction, and refuse to "feed the relationship" at all. If I'm attracted to someone, I won't put myself in any kind of "out of work" situation with them. I'll never start any private conversations (using any kind of media), nor will I allow a "one on one" situation to come about.

 

It doesn't grow into anything else...and normally, they move out of my life with absolutely no issues at all.

 

Its a CHOICE.

 

I CHOSE to be involved with my wife when I first met her. I was immediately attracted to her, and decided to pursue the situation. A choice. I could have chosen to avoid her, and refused to explore that attraction as well.

 

You also faced this choice...and made the decision(s) that you've made.

 

You CHOSE to be in love with someone who's married to someone else. And now you're CHOOSING to explore that option even further.

[LOVE DAISIES]

Owl I like the way you explain things...

 

I agree pretty much. But what if you were in LOVE with the person

BEFORE they got married? That happened to me.

It's a lot easier to get around the entanglements when you already KNOW about it....but time asnd unforseen circumstances have a way

of worming their way into our lives.

 

I know I can make the CHOICE to never talk to that person again, or

walk away...but once love is in your heart...it's impossible to get out.

So...even though it seems logical to make that choice....matters

of the heart just aren't ALWAYS that logical or cut and dry.

[BetrayedMM]

once love is in your heart...it's impossible to get out.

 

They can easily kill it. Then, you're left with a memory of love, but believe me, there are things that the one you love can do to destroy your love for them permanently. LSD experienced that at the end of his marriage.

 

And I agree, love is no accident. You CHOOSE who you give your heart to. Nowhere near as easy to take it back though, once given it's up to them if they want to kill it.

 

I'm not making much sense here. Oh well.

[Owl]

I know I can make the CHOICE to never talk to that person again, or

walk away...but once love is in your heart...it's impossible to get out.

So...even though it seems logical to make that choice....matters

of the heart just aren't ALWAYS that logical or cut and dry.

 

I see your point, but want to offer this for you to think about too.

 

Do you feel the same way today about your "first crush" as you did when you were first in love with him? Or with your second...or third?

 

Probably not.

 

You see, you stopped feeding those relationships...both in person, AND in your mind and heart.

 

Lakeside has been "feeding" this relationship with MW for the last seven years...so of course its never faded.

 

But...the whole idea that we talk about of "NC" as a means to heal from the affair revolves around the fact that if you stop feeding the relationship, eventually the love fades. You no longer allow that other person to make you feel loved, and as long as you work on avoiding dwelling on the loss of them, you'll find that the love you had for them fades over time.

 

And permitting yourself to love someone else can also "fill that hole". If you're loving and being in love with someone else, you'll stop feeding that relationship mentally...and the love will fade.

 

For example...my wife was so "in love" with OM, she was set to fly away to live with him, divorce me, and potentially break up our family.

 

The affair ended, and NC was established between the two of them. For the first year or so, he did 'remain in her heart' quite a bit. But our relationship improved drastically, and she and I resumed the love we've had for over two decades now. Four years later, she can't even remember what city he lived in.

 

Now...resumed contact, allowing you to restart feeding that relationship again can easily result in a renewed sense of love. I grant that.

 

But again...it all boils down to who you CHOOSE to invest your efforts into.

[nadiaj2727]

I think it is a bit more choice than happenstance.

 

Amen to that. Lakeside has CHOSEN to be involved with this woman and he still CHOOSES to go there and pursue her, even when he acknowledges he is a hyprocrite. I don't get it. Lakeside I wish you would get out of the "happenstance" of falling in love with a married woman and realize what you yourself are doing to contribute to this "happenstance."

[nadiaj2727]

 

And.. You actually made a choice who you fell in love with. Amazing, I have never heard of such a thing.

 

Then this, Lakeside, may be your problem. You have not realized that love IS a choice, not just a feeling or something you fall into. And that you should never put your emotions over your logic and your conscience. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and don't guarantee the right results. They can't be the basis for a healthy lifestyle, which I assume is what you've been figuring out. Therefore, as humans we MUST choose who to fall in love with (or, more accurately, who NOT to fall in love with...) if we don't want to live with self-destructive behaviors and futile situations. Our logic and our conscience are our gifts as humans, so we're not left up to chance like the other animals. They will not steer us wrong, like emotions can sometimes do.

[MimiMe]

Hope she doesn't see it as you being psycho and gets a restraining order against you. LOL!

But like somebody else said... Destiny can be funny.

You may meet the love of your life in your new town!

Good luck!

[carhill]

Our opinions and assertions are colored by our "eyes", the eyes of our experiences. I can't see through LS's eyes, so I can only empathize with his perspective and believe the vision he has is true to him. That's the essence of support. He will find his own way. I have a feeling he doesn't need me to say this

 

I've walked some of his path so can appreciate the clarity of his perspective (to him). It may not agree with the perspective of others here, but we do not sit in judgement of him. I admire his quiet resolution, remembering our first interaction here on this subject. That's where respect begins.

 

Hopefully, I'll have similar courage to openly share my journey at some future date

[Owl]

"Support" isn't about telling someone what they want to hear. Often, its telling them what they NEED to hear, but refuse to listen to.

 

I don't "support" his effort to destroy another marriage so that he can be happy. He's engaging in the EXACT same behavior his wife with "undiagnosed mental emotional troubles" conducted on him. Only he doesn't have the "excuse" of the mental condition that she did.

 

My "support" in this case is to suggest that he seriously re-think his motives, his actions, and his thought processes up to this point.

 

When we reach that "the ends justifies the means" mindset, ESPECIALLY centered around our own happiness...there's a cost in there that someone else normally has to pay.

 

Why should HER husband have to pay the cost of LAKESIDE'S choices?

[LOVE DAISIES]

"Support" isn't about telling someone what they want to hear. Often, its telling them what they NEED to hear, but refuse to listen to.

 

I don't "support" his effort to destroy another marriage so that he can be happy. He's engaging in the EXACT same behavior his wife with "undiagnosed mental emotional troubles" conducted on him. Only he doesn't have the "excuse" of the mental condition that she did.

 

My "support" in this case is to suggest that he seriously re-think his motives, his actions, and his thought processes up to this point.

 

When we reach that "the ends justifies the means" mindset, ESPECIALLY centered around our own happiness...there's a cost in there that someone else normally has to pay.

 

Why should HER husband have to pay the cost of LAKESIDE'S choices?

 

 

I agree with Owl here. LSD, I don;t know the full extent of your story, and I know you have your mind made up...you are ready for whatever happens, I just hope you are TRULY ok with whatever the consequences are. I know it's easy to fallinto the trap of "what if"...and from a distance

the fantasy is very attractive....but that's what is IS until reality sets in. And who's to say YOU will even be all that happy with it?

Maybe she's not all you built her up to be after all this time...

Easy for that to happen when you don't see someone on an every day basis.

 

I am also not lecturing you...but you know how it felt to be betrayed. Are you really prepared to do that to another person?

[LakesideDream]

This has been published here on LS, in this catagory, and others over the years, I'll condense it here, as there seems to be some questions out there.

 

She and I met when I was 17 and she 16. She was my "second" (my first was an unsatisfactory coupling in the back seat of a Chevy.. no kidding), I was her first. We were friends and lovers for a year. Being an immature punk I started seeing another girl, and broke her heart. That "relationship" was a disaster, eventually she cheated, and I enlisted in the Marine Corps mid Viet Nam Conflict to "get even". When I returned home battered bruised and generally full of holes she was nowhere to be found. I had carried a heavy heart through 3.5 years + and 1.5 tours of duty in Viet Nam. Later (30 years later) She told me she had moved across the country, to live with a guy, still broken hearted.

 

When we reconnected accidentially, instantly after my ex asked for a divorce to go live with her 23 year boyfriend (MM) she told me that she had spent the day before sponge painting her living room with a girlfriend, "girl talking" while working, telling the girlfriend ALL ABOUT ME her true love that got away! Both of us were stubborn kids.

 

In our first conversation a few weeks after exchanging e-mails I shyly and quitely asked her "if I will ever be able to see you again". It was a real question. I was much more afraid of the answer then, than I am of her reaction to my moving. Her answer was equally shy and quiet... "It's not if lover, it's when". From that second on I knew I would live through my cheating wife, the divorce, and my totally shattered life. And there have been other equally important moments as well.

 

I never stopped loving this woman. I have loved her for forty years, and she has told me that she has loved me as well, for just as long. In the worst times of my marriage, I could sit or lay quietly and remember what love was supposed to be, receiving hope and strength from my memories of her. I believed that if we ever found each other that it would be again, and actually feared my reaction to an "accidental" meeting. I realize that that my belief in her was silly speculation, over reaching by a light year.. until it happened.

 

I must try to make it come true. I've wished upon a thousand stars, now I'm waiting out the hours until I begin the drive either to bliss.. or resignation. One thing is certain, we will never be less than very close friends. While she may reject me, she won't hate me for trying. She knows me, and knows my nature. I am positive that she has known this was coming since the minute we reconnected. Whether she is willing to go through such a drastic change at this point in her life is what's in doubt. Neither of us are young. Sometimes it's just to hard to change situations, which is something I can understand.

[Owl]

Respectfully, none of your last post changed any of the situation, or changed my questions or advice to you.

 

You fell in love with her forty years ago. You've not lived with her since then, you've only had some kind of friendship intermingled with an affair over the last seven years.

 

You're in love with the fantasy of what she used to be, more than anything else. You've no idea what living with her, what being with her "day to day" is like. You're in love with the idea of being in love with her.

 

And you're in love with her as the rebound from your wife's infidelity that you never truly got to deal with.

 

And that's all going to be put to the test because its what YOU want it to be...not even what she's wanted it to be, according to your posts yere.

 

And all of that will come at a heavy, heavy price...that you won't even be the one to bear if it all works out. It'll be his.

 

Nothing you've said makes this any more or less than an ongoing affair at the expense of her husband.

[LakesideDream]

Respectfully, none of your last post changed any of the situation, or changed my questions or advice to you.

 

You fell in love with her forty years ago. You've not lived with her since then, you've only had some kind of friendship intermingled with an affair over the last seven years.

 

You're in love with the fantasy of what she used to be, more than anything else. You've no idea what living with her, what being with her "day to day" is like. You're in love with the idea of being in love with her.

 

And you're in love with her as the rebound from your wife's infidelity that you never truly got to deal with.

 

And that's all going to be put to the test because its what YOU want it to be...not even what she's wanted it to be, according to your posts yere.

 

And all of that will come at a heavy, heavy price...that you won't even be the one to bear if it all works out. It'll be his.

 

Nothing you've said makes this any more or less than an ongoing affair at the expense of her husband.

 

 

Owl. Everything you say is true. There is no point in denying reality.. and I don't.

[Owl]

Then allow your actions match your morals.

[EnigmaXOXO]

While she may reject me, she won't hate me for trying.

 

You can only hope so. If not, everyone’s pretty much left dealing with the awkward new neighbor and deciding just who gets the fork the big bill for having to relocate.

 

Making the decision that someone is destined to be a part of your life should also include them.

 

The only thing standing in the way of your romantic notions and a restraining order all depends on how the object of your obsession reacts to your little surprise. Otherwise, you may find yourself being educated on the legal and clinical definition of stalking whether you’re prepared to hear it from someone professionally qualified or not.

[LakesideDream]

You can only hope so. If not, everyone’s pretty much left dealing with the awkward new neighbor and deciding just who gets the fork the big bill for having to relocate.

 

Making the decision that someone is destined to be a part of your life should also include them.

 

The only thing standing in the way of your romantic notions and a restraining order all depends on how the object of your obsession reacts to your little surprise. Otherwise, you may find yourself being educated on the legal and clinical definition of stalking whether you’re prepared to hear it from someone professionally qualified or not.

 

 

Oh come on now Enigma. I am not an ignorant, or uneducated man. I have been in business for over 35 years, I have delt with legal issues throughout that period. I also spent a few years as a reserve peace officer, additionally two of my close associates are attorneys, with 30 years of experiance as litigators each, both know of my situation/plans and are solidly in support of me persuing my dream. (BTW both have been the victims of walk away wives in the past five years).

 

1st in order to be a "stalker" you must "stalk". Mearly moving to an upscale resort community in a neighboring state.. purchasing a home for cash... making a substantial investment in a new community, does not constitute "stalking". The community I am moving to is ideal for a semi retired single man of my age. The population is over 50 thousand, and the town is over 32 square miles. I even have valid medical reasons to relocate away from the elevation, (6000 ft) where I live now, to a warmer sea level enviornment.

 

Ditto "restraining order". One must commit at minimum infraction to be levied a restraining order. I can assure you that I will do neither. I am WAY to old, and experianced in life to "stalk" or "lurk". When I'm established, my home is furnished, and I'm having a particularly good day, (presumably feeling lucky) I'll give her a phone call and tell her of my "news".