tango1977 Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 We have been together for almost 2 years, but dated before that. He has promised (this time) since April. Like I said, he set the date of August. When he asked me to move back in he said he wanted to move on to the next step. He asked me what I needed to believe he was serious about us. I said I want some kind of engagement timeline. He said July, I said I'd give him till August. My problem isn't if he wants to get married or maybe he changed his mind. But if you are in a relationship with someone, you talk to them, explain those things. He hasn't done any of that. Then there's the whole issue of if I hadn't moved in, would things have been different? Was he just promising me that to get me back? I haven't lied to him about my intentions, I didn't expect he would. I don't ever want to look back at my marriage and think it was forced, but I don't want to look back 10 years from now and say this is my boyfriend either. I have completely dropped the subject at home for weeks, months. I don't bring it up, I don't have a big red cirlce on Aug. 1st, I just wait, and wait and wait and listen to excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Niko (and all the others who are in favor of co-habitating): I strongly state my position because it's what I'd want for ME, not for someone else who feels strongly about living together before marriage. It's about what works best for you and your partner, not me telling you what I think you ought to do or making you feel bad for your decision. There are many sides to an issue, and I'm just stating one viewpoint. Turtle: the Catholic Church offers marriage preparation classes so that two people seeking to be married by the church understand why it is a sacrament and not just a move made lightly, of legalizing or validating a union without serious consideration. From what I understand, it's about learning about your partner, about your reasons for marrying and what marriage is about. Lots of people go into it thinking, "i can change him" or "she won't be like that after we get married" or even "it's going to be fun," so that when Reality Walks in, they go running to divorce lawyers when they realize it's not what they'd thought it would be. Didn't someone point out that you don't buy a car without test driving or looking it over? If that can be likened to living together, I think it definitely can be likened to preparing for marriage in the fullest sense that you can. Link to post Share on other sites
niko1999 Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 I understand youre simply stating your postion and how YOU feel it should be, it was just a little discouraging, becuase of how it was stated is all. But I understand, I was just a little discouraged by all the people who were saying its bad and such. Thats all, not trying to make yuou out to be a bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
reenie Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 I have been with my fiance for two years. Yes there have been ups and downs. We are together daily until pretty late at night. We have slept (occasionally) at each others homes. We have taken mini-vacations together. Mainly we have gotten to know eachother simply by being around eachother daily. We have set a date twice and cancelled. We both refuse to live together. I personally think that living together would be bad for me. I take marriage seriously. Given the ups and downs of relationships, I feel that marriage is the only way to live together. I have been married before and only divorced due to infadelity. If we lived together and had a fight we might break up and thats it. If we are married and have a fight we would look deeper to find a common ground. I sometimes thought he would never actually ask me to marry him. I now know it was the pressure from family that made him not want to do it. We are leaving in two weeks to elope. The family knows but we dont have the pressure or financial hassle of our families to throw a wedding. I love this man and want to spend every day for the rest of my life with him. I know he is a neat freak, he knows im NOT. I know he needs time alone sometimes, he knows that I do too. I know he has trouble sleeping, he knows I love to sleep. I know he cant cook, he knows I am not the best but thank God for Hamburger Helper. I wish you luck on whatever happens to you. My only advice is that if you love him (even though and in spite of his fears) be with him. If he makes you happy when you dont pressure him about marriage, dont pressure him. Two people dont have to be married to be happy. If you moved in with him thinking that would make him marry you quicker, move out but still be with him. One day he will either love you or leave you. If you pressure him and make him marry you when he isnt ready, you might get the exact opposite reaction from the one you wanted. Good luck and God bless. Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 If we lived together and had a fight we might break up and thats it. Doesn't sound like a solid foundation for getting married to me. In my opinion you should ALREADY have the ability to work out problems that may occur. It isn't someting that just "magically" happens after you have the titles of husband and wife. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 Turtle: Please! So, did you have to take a course to be a good daughter and/or son? What about friendship? Are there courses to be a good friend? The whole taking a course thing before marriage is just as bad as arranged marriages. Taking a course won't make you all of a sudden a perfect mate for somebody. Oh my goodness. You must be awfully young. Lots of people get married without ever having discussed whether they both want children, where they want to live, who will handle finances and how, and many other issues which, if not sorted out, will arise after marriage and cause enough trouble to destroy the marriage. Others want to 'get married' thinking that it will change life and be all rosy. Marriage preparation courses help the couple understand and explore areas of potential conflict and deal with them and provide skills to cope with issues which might come up in the future. In fact, very few people have those skills without learning them. If people were natural 'experts' at being married, why exactly do you think there are so many divorces???? Most valuable of all, marriage prep courses can prevent marriages that should never take place in the first place that the couple would never have had the insight to stop on their own. Link to post Share on other sites
snowqueen Posted September 11, 2003 Share Posted September 11, 2003 Well i met this wonderful bloke, we were together for two weeks when he told my sister that he wants to marry me, this came from a man that was dead against marriage who was with his ex for 15 years..so u can imagine how angry she is...but we got married in july and have now been together for 4 months and we are happy as long as you are honest with eachother and tell eachother everything then everything should be ok...well we are apart from the ex, and his kids department....but why not we only live once Link to post Share on other sites
sweetybob Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I was helping a friend with a speech. It was going to be on how living together before marriage is a good idea. However, I couldnt find any articles for her because this world is stupid. Besides religious reasons, everyone thinks it is a bad idea because then you will never get married, or you will break up because you dont like each other, or because it isnt the same as marriage. I lived with my husband for two years and we got married. I think the problem with these idiots is they dont understand what living together means. If you are already sharing bills, responsibilities, hard times, mood swings, bad habits, and you still want to get married, it is a good test. And it is the same as marriage. If you move in and really " play house" the only difference is the piece of paper and ring. I guess these people would rather see 50 percent divorce rate than a few failed relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 However, I couldnt find any articles for her because this world is stupid. No, the world isn't stupid. It's just that there are heaps and heaps of established organizations who have a very strong interest in promoting marriage over cohabitation and pretty much none to promote the other view. Life is not stupid, it's just all about PR. Here are a couple of resources with different views: http://www.unmarried.org/library.html http://www.latrobe.edu.au/bulletin/archive/042003/story_research3.html Bottom line is this; IMHO it's not so much that living together will guarantee that you will marry and stay married forever, rather that living together can PREVENT disastrous marriages which would end in divorce. The same goes for marriage preparation courses. As a result of the course that I took, two couples decided not to marry at all. To me, the immense value in cohabiting before marriage is that you may well find out things about your partner which will change your mind about going into a marriage which is doomed to failure. The research is studying the wrong thing. The last link showed that people who marry after cohabiting divorce at pretty much the same rate; seems to me that cohabiting may have evened out the odds of not getting divorced! Too bad they can't study how many divorces have been PREVENTED by cohabitation!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 Going from my personal experience, I would have to say that people shouldnt live together before marriage. My first experience, we were together for just over 8 years. We were both young when we got together (I was 17 and he was 21) and moved in together shortly thereafter. We made it through the bad times, grew up togther and were best of friends. We hit a rough spot and had enough differences that because we werent married we just decided to split rather than work through it. It was one of the hardest things Ive gone through and of course, he is now married with a child (ugh). My 2nd experience is my current one. We started dating and I accidentally became pregnant after 5 months. We moved in together and it has been the rockiest road Ive ever been on. We moved apart for a while and now are back together working through the mess and things have greatly improved. Were finally happy together but....its been 2.5 years together and were not married. Ive accidentally found out that he has been saving for a ring for me so maybe it isnt too far off but at 28 Im more than a little skeptical, I guess Ill believe it when I see it. I just think its too easy to give up on a relationship when there is nothing binding you together. If you think enough of a person to live with them, you should marry them. Hopefully I wont have to worry about all this too much longer though! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 12, 2003 Share Posted November 12, 2003 I just think its too easy to give up on a relationship when there is nothing binding you together Do you honestly think that the first relationship would have lasted? That people don't get divorced does not mean they are in happy, fulfilling relationships. IMHO, if you break up while cohabiting, you would have broken up if you married; the difference being the first is much less painful and costly than the second. Either you have what it takes to last or you do not. Whether or not you go get somebody to certify it does not change the people involved. If you are a couple that can succed, you will succeed married or common-law. If not, neither situation will create success. We've seen a zillion posts from miserable married people who are reluctant to leave because of the hassle - but those marriages are unlikely to improve. If your idea of 'marriage' is being forcibly yoked to someone even when the relationship's dead, well good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
LauraD Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 Living together before marriage, hmm. My parents did it 35 years ago. They may not be a match made in heaven, but I give them credit for making it this far. I was with someone I loved dearly for many years. Although we never lived together, I'd stay at his place over random weekends on occasion, the "mini-taste" of cohabitation, albeit far short of the full course. Our relationship has ended, but I had thought of living with him. In my humble opinion, if two people are mature enough, intelligent enough, and communicative enough, they could make cohabitation prior to marriage work to their advantage. The trouble with generalizations is there are always exceptions. What about those with strong religious beliefs? What about those who are immature? What about those who will take advantage of their partner? Etcetera... It's hard to give advice on this subject since we're all so different. One thing I'd like to see less of though, is that judgmental edge on the advice we give. Just as there are countless people, there are countless ways to live. I have to say, marriage seems to be a project headed for failure in the current mode of doing things. We're in a new era where we have more options for our lives than ever before. It's time to rethink how we treat marriage and the critical time we spend before we choose to marry. I want to have open communication with the person I choose as my partner, before we commit to marriage. I want to know how he reacts to situations, how he deals with issues, how he sees the world, and how all this meshes with me. I want to know, through a workshop or not, that we have concurring goals, overlapping expectations, and positive methods for seeking conflict resolution. Basically, I want to know that in the things that matter most (to me), he is right in step, and in the things that aren't so major but could be little seeds for resentment, regret, anger, or sadness--we have ways to identify and compromise upon these issues. I hope that everyone who plans to marry finds out who this other person really is BEFORE the marriage happens. Be it through cohabitation--more power to you. People need to be the ones in control of their own lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Trinity Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme If your idea of 'marriage' is being forcibly yoked to someone even when the relationship's dead, well good luck to you. Actually that isn't my idea of marriage. My idea of marriage is being open and honest and when you have a problem you deal with it rather than ignoring it like majority of people do. Unfortunately most people ignore problems, don't discuss them and work them out. At the first sign of trouble and they bail out or like you suggested stay in it and be miserable. Rather than being "forcibly yoked" to someone, I prefer to think of it as an incentive to work on things while they can still be fixed. Unfortunately marriage has been relegated to something of convenience and not something most people see as being hard work. Thank you for the good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Zankon Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 How long should a couple be dating together before moving in together? If marriage is mentioned (by the male) in talks in the first week of dating, is that a good sign or bad... What's the acceptable and what is not? Link to post Share on other sites
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