Crippled by insecurity/sabotaging my lovelife

[motive2002]

I'm new here and thought I'd post a bit about myself in hopes to get some better understanding.

 

My ex just left me, for reasons that aren't completely clear, but one theme plays into it. Insecurity.

You see, for the last few months I felt threatened by things in her life. A change in schedule or behavior.. some need for space and distance. Stuff like that. No matter what I tried, I simply interpreted her actions as a negative and felt unsure, mistrusting.. all the bad things associated with insecurity.

 

Now this seems to be a familiar pattern to me and I'd like it to stop. She told me she loved me, and that were were fine.. but the constant need for reassurement eventually drove her away.

 

What is it that takes a normal person and throws them headlong into this anxiety, worry etc. when this type of reassurement isn't needed elsewhere in life?

 

Some examples:

 

She changed her sleep patterns. Instead of staying up with me later at night, she would turn in early and wake up much earlier when I was still asleep to chat on the computer, do her workout exercises etc. I saw that as some kind of threat, like she wanted less time with me or was losing interest.

 

She started to become (seemingly) distant and less affectionate at times, when she said she was just "tired" or whatever. Again I had trouble taking her word for it and saw it as some kind of rejection.

 

She began involving herself with new interests. A new dance class. A new club to hang out with her girlfriends etc.

 

She started having more meetings at work. Meetings before work. Meetings after work. Something keeping her more busy than normal. (All of which she tried to assure me wasn't anything else going on)

 

Now of course I interpreted all this as signs that she was looking elsewhere, or losing interest, or maybe chatting it up with someone else, even though she professed her love for me and continued to talk about a deeper commitment and even moving in together.

 

I just couldn't get the doubts and insecurity out of my head for some reason We spent so much time together, it's hard to imagine she's have time to maintain some fling with someone else, but again logic didn't seem to play into my feelings.

 

Thanks in advance if you've got this far into the post. Any insight to this behavior, or what to do to change it so I don't royally screw up with future girlfriends is greatly appreciated.

[Ocean-Blue]

I can sympathize with you motive.

 

I myself have fallen victim to the evil insecurity fairy. It ain't fun, is it? I don't know how I went from a normal, healthy person to a crazy freak who needs constant reassurance.

 

All I can say is that you need to allow the rational, objective part of you to come out and beat this insecure little guy into a pulp. BE RATIONAL. Ask yourself if what you're feeling is the result of some real perceived threat (i.e. she really is losing interest) vs. some compulsion on your part.

 

I still struggle with this stuff. My bf has had his share of episodes where I get all weird and clingy. But I like to think that I"m working on it and getting past it. I try to keep myself busy...to do things outside of our R.

 

Maybe that's where you need to go... Find things you enjoy and pursue them. Stop making her and the R your entire life. If you sit there and wait for them, then you are setting yourself up for a fall. If you are busy and otherwise engaged, any contact you have will be a pleasurable experience. You won't have time to get insecure.

[motive2002]

Thank you for your quick reply. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone in this.

 

When I reflect on the relationship I thought was so good, i really have to wonder how happy I was with my stomach all in knots, wondering why she hadn't called, and having trouble accepting her (more than likely) reasons, or excuses why she wasn't available to me.

 

It was a whirlwind of anxiety that simply doesn't exist elsewhere in my life. Why only with a significant other?

[Ocean-Blue]

Thank you for your quick reply. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone in this.

 

When I reflect on the relationship I thought was so good, i really have to wonder how happy I was with my stomach all in knots, wondering why she hadn't called, and having trouble accepting her (more than likely) reasons, or excuses why she wasn't available to me.

 

It was a whirlwind of anxiety that simply doesn't exist elsewhere in my life. Why only with a significant other?

 

So it hasn't happened before then? She brings it out in you (or you allow her to)?

 

I ask this b/c I feel that this particular SO I'm with gets me like that... Butterflies and all. I swear, he has some hold over me. But then again, I know I have a certain hold over him too.

 

Did you two really breakup or is it a "break"?

 

And yes, it's nice to know we're not alone. I'm glad I'm not the only nut.

[motive2002]

We really did break up.

 

I hadn't been that out of control with it in many years, so she, as an individual seemed to bring out my worst. Flaky behavior, fishy sounding excuses.. I just couldn't find any peace of mind with her.. but at the same time I know I shouldn't have got so needy.

 

It is a familiar behavior pattern, but not with everyone. I guess her headsrtong, independent, aloof type of personality was more than my self esteem could bear at the time.

[Ocean-Blue]

We really did break up.

 

I hadn't been that out of control with it in many years, so she, as an individual seemed to bring out my worst. Flaky behavior, fishy sounding excuses.. I just couldn't find any peace of mind with her.. but at the same time I know I shouldn't have got so needy.

 

It is a familiar behavior pattern, but not with everyone. I guess her headsrtong, independent, aloof type of personality was more than my self esteem could bear at the time.

 

Well it's not necessarily you, you know. Perhaps there was cause for concern. Maybe you were just reacting to it... No one likes a flake or someone who sends excuses your way.

 

I would really think back to what happened and ask yourself if your responses were rational. You may find that you weren't in the wrong.

 

That said, at least you now have some peace of mind. If somone brings out the insecurity in you and can't bother to set you straight, then they're really not worth the trouble. Sure, we're adults and we need to take responsibility for our own emotions... BUT really, sometimes there is a reason we feel the way we do.