Girl @ Work - Is it time to walk away? Or keep trying my heart out?

[Reikon]

Okay. Here it goes. This is kind of long and there is a lot to explain. (sorry in advance)

 

Well, I met this amazing girl about 2 months after I had lost my fiancée. (She had passed away) She just came up to me one day at work and started talking with me. Now I'm normally a really shy guy but I was also just dealing with the loss of someone I truly loved. So at the time I just let her roll off my shoulders. I just wasn't interested in anything at the time.

 

Well about 4 months go by, maybe more and every time I see this girl at work I blush like a little school kid. It's insane I've never really felt like that over someone before. Anyways come Christmas time I decide it's time to keep moving with life and I decide to start by approaching her. Now since that day we have slowly become really good friends. I haven't gotten along with anyone nearly as well as I have with this girl in my entire life, except for, of course, my fiancée. Anyways I've asked her out several times and she always says yes but when it comes to actually getting together something always comes up and she gives these ambiguous answers. Well we have finally started to hang out outside of work, just here and there. Watched a movie, went for coffee, played Rock Band. I've been fairly open with her, I'm fairly certain she knows that I'm really into her.

 

Well one day she drives me home from work and tells me she needs to be completely truthful with me. She says that she doesn't want to lead me on and that she was dating someone else that we work with and he broke up with her (this was months ago, some time before she had spoken with me initially and I never followed up with her) because she had told him things about her past that he had trouble digesting and he had too many things going on in his life and needed time to think about everything and it devastated her. But now he apparently is ready and wants her back and she isn't sure what to do, but she has been talking with him and going out with him, she's even spent the night at his house, but she says it isn't anything official and doesn't know what to do. She says she is afraid that if she gave him another chance that he might just walk away when things got tough again.

 

Now I feel that her and I have this insane chemistry and I dont know how to read everything she tells me. We have a million and 5 things in common and share so many inside jokes just in the short time we have known each other. We are constantly hugging and always joking around with each other. We even have a couple different nick-names for each other. I'm crazy about this girl.

 

Now She compares me to him all the time and somehow I always end up on top. She tells me how him and her have just about nothing really in common. So I ask her what she likes about him and she says his personality. So I follow up with asking her what about his personality does she like and she tells me its a lot like mine. She tells me that when she shows him her sketches he's just like "thats nice", but when she shows them to me I help inspire her to do so much more, to keep writing and to keep sketching.

 

Now here is where I need help. I'm not sure but I think I've been written into her book as a "girlfriend" and I'm not sure what to do. We are starting to get close but if I fear if I stay in this "friend zone" and get closer to her while she keeps me at a distance trying to deal with her own emotions all I'm doing is hurting myself. She told me that if we had met sooner we would be more than friends now. And I'm not sure if I should wait for her to figure things out and just be her friend... or if I should move on and spare myself the heartache. I know I just want her to be happy, but I would love for her to be happy with me... You know?

 

It's just insane how my feelings for this woman have magnified since I've gotten to know her. Every one of our mutual friends think that I should keep pursuing her and that we would make a great couple. Well, although that is a great thing to hear, I'm not sure if it's a reality. I've been thinking about being completely open with her and telling her how I feel, and that I can honestly see myself with her for the rest of my life but then im certain I will just scare her off. I don't want to come on too strong and with this whirl of emotions I don't know what to do.

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've never been this hung up on a girl before.

 

 

Please help >_< Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank you....

[carhill]

First off, my condolences on the loss of your fiance. How tragic...

 

Secondly, the best way to finalize things with the current lady is, especially since you get on so well with her, ask her out (don't use the words "hang out") and, if she agrees, either during or at the conclusion of the date, take her into your arms and kiss her. Her response will tell you everything you need to know.

 

Personally, I think she's finds you attractive. Ah, to be young and single again

[Reikon]

Thank you for such a quick reply, and I also appreciate your empathy.

Now I've actually been thinking about asking her out for a real date but I was going to wait until after I received these necklaces that I recently ordered off line. (Now let me explain) One day she tells me that we go together so well it's like PB&J and it just stuck so now we have this thing where she calls me Peanut Butter and I call her Jelly. Anyways the other day I'm surfing the net and I come across this: (sorry, I haven't figured out how to link pictures on this forum yet) http://www.violetgumdrop.com/images/thumbs/apbjvioletgumdrop071.jpg

So naturally I just bought it right there on the spot and I've been debating on whether or not to give it to her and what to do if/when I do so. Anyways that's where I am with this right now...

[carhill]

Hold on to the necklaces for now (cute )....

 

Ask her out. Gauge her interest. If positive, proceed. An appropriate moment to share the necklaces with her will come. Don't do it too soon. Now, for me, since I wait awhile for intimacy (of the sexual sort), I'd likely do something like that the morning after the first time, when she wakes up. Then make her brekkie (breakfast).

 

Real men will follow with better advice

[Elyssa]

"Wanna be jelly to my peanut butter?"

 

 

It's so absolutely adorable. Carhill's advice is smart, use it!

 

Best of luck

 

-E

[xpaperxcutx]

Your nicknames are absolutely adorable.

I agree with Carhill that you should hold off on the necklace for now, but do ask the girl out. If you really feel that she's your soul mate than there's nothing wrong with wanting to fight for her affection. Don't walk away from someone without at least giving it a try, there's nothing worse than having regrets later on.

Anyways best of luck.

[Reikon]

Thanks for the kind words and the input everyone. I've decided not to throw in the towel so soon. I'm not sure when I'm going to have time for a nice relaxing date as I am now working 2 jobs, but within the next 2 weeks I'm going to see if we can go on an official "date".

 

By the way I have a question. How would it make me look if I questioned her current predicament? Say, if I were to ask her true feelings for her ex and if she could honestly see herself spending a lifetime with him. I think she would tell me, but do I want to open that can of worms? I'm thinking just staying supportive but continuing to let her know that I want her as more than just friends and letting her figure out her emotions would be the best routine for now. What do you think?

 

Thanks again everyone!!! <333

[Mary3]

I personally think the necklace is kind of * cute * but as important as this girl is you should ( when the time comes ) give her something a little more special. I think you both have a great nickname(s) for eachother.

 

Now about the bf . She is working through something with him. As crazy as the chemistry is for you , is it as * crazy * for her about you ? I think she keeps you at a distance because she is smart enough to know it will hurt you if she gets deep with you , isn't sure about how she still feels about the other guy , decides she still wants him , and hurts you in the process. This girl is SMART !

 

Your best move is to lay it on the table like this " You know ( Sherry ) ~insert name~ I really care about you , I see us together in the future , I really like you and would like to take you out on date. I think I need to know if you are good with that. I also would like to ask where you are with the ex thing and if I am out of line to ask you out on a date "

 

If she balks or makes excuses then she is not ready . Simple as that.

 

If she accepts then you are in like flint ! You MUST emphasize the word DATE, You do NOT want to be a buddy pal anymore....If she balks at the dinner date , then you must move on. If you stay in this as a buddy ( You should have gotten some romance by now , hence the friendzone , if she has put you there then thats what you are to her FRIEND. )

 

You must make a romantic move ASAP. Kiss her ! I am serious. Kiss her and see if she pulls away or looks horrified.

 

Did she like the kiss ? Does she smile ? Let us know

[Reikon]

Well I went for it. Jumped in and asked her to an official date. She turned me down, said she doesn't want to hurt me and that she is still hung up on her ex and is going to give him another go. She said she doesn't want me to wait around for her because its not fair to me and she doesn't want to hurt me. So we talked for awhile and decided it was best just to stay good friends.

 

For some reason i thought this outcome would be hard on me and i would be somewhat distraught, but it doesn't really bother me and IDK why. I feel completely okay just being great friends with her and for some reason i feel as though i should be upset I'm just not. Its weird. I've decided to let her do what she needs to do, i told her i would still always be there for her if she needs a shoulder and that my feelings aren't going to change and i will most likely always want more but at least we have a boundary and i wont cross it unless a time comes in the future and it's her decision assuming of course i am not taken ^_^

 

Well, for me the hunt continues for real love. Thank you all for the advice, although it didn't work out as I had hoped, it did give me closure and made my friendship with her that much stronger.

 

Thanks a million!

[Mary3]

I am very sorry it did not go as you hoped it would.

 

I give this girl HUGE kudos for being honest , and not wanting to hurt you.

 

You might feel anger but you don't. You also receive high marks for being this strong.

 

I hope you find someone special someday who CAN give you everything you want in a woman

[45Reverse]

Well I went for it. Jumped in and asked her to an official date. She turned me down, said she doesn't want to hurt me and that she is still hung up on her ex and is going to give him another go. She said she doesn't want me to wait around for her because its not fair to me and she doesn't want to hurt me. So we talked for awhile and decided it was best just to stay good friends.

 

For some reason i thought this outcome would be hard on me and i would be somewhat distraught, but it doesn't really bother me and IDK why. I feel completely okay just being great friends with her and for some reason i feel as though i should be upset I'm just not. Its weird. I've decided to let her do what she needs to do, i told her i would still always be there for her if she needs a shoulder and that my feelings aren't going to change and i will most likely always want more but at least we have a boundary and i wont cross it unless a time comes in the future and it's her decision assuming of course i am not taken ^_^

 

Well, for me the hunt continues for real love. Thank you all for the advice, although it didn't work out as I had hoped, it did give me closure and made my friendship with her that much stronger.

 

Thanks a million!

 

Dude...you can't hang out with her now...even as a friend. You realize that right?

[Reikon]

Dude...you can't hang out with her now...even as a friend. You realize that right?

 

Why not? We get along crazy well. I dont want to write someone off just because i can't be in a romantic relationship with them, that seems a bit drastic, immature maybe? Although I'm sure it will be a bit hard to watch her with other people, I couldn't imagine just pushing someone so awesome out of my life. Ya know?

[Mary3]

Why not? We get along crazy well. I dont want to write someone off just because i can't be in a romantic relationship with them, that seems a bit drastic, immature maybe? Although I'm sure it will be a bit hard to watch her with other people, I couldn't imagine just pushing someone so awesome out of my life. Ya know?

 

You have to be a little careful here with this one...If you have ANY feelings like romantic ones then its not advisable to continue ( better to take a break ` meet other people.) If you only see her like a sister and it would not bother you to see her cuddling with someone else then continue seeing her....

 

If you are holding out that she will * come around * and love you , thats a big mistake in which * you * will be the one that gets hurt.

 

I understand when you say she's so great and cool and I can't walk away from our friendship. How great and cool would it feel to see her get engaged and married and you attend the wedding ?

 

The other poster is dead on right that if you presented yourself and you were rejected because she likes someone else that you are going to get hurt if you hang around hoping for a * turn around *

 

To put it bluntly , she is with him right now , not you. Well she's there for you like a buddy but you aren't making love to her ...

[Reikon]

You have to be a little careful here with this one...If you have ANY feelings like romantic ones then its not advisable to continue ( better to take a break ` meet other people.) If you only see her like a sister and it would not bother you to see her cuddling with someone else then continue seeing her....

 

If you are holding out that she will * come around * and love you , thats a big mistake in which * you * will be the one that gets hurt.

 

I understand when you say she's so great and cool and I can't walk away from our friendship. How great and cool would it feel to see her get engaged and married and you attend the wedding ?

 

The other poster is dead on right that if you presented yourself and you were rejected because she likes someone else that you are going to get hurt if you hang around hoping for a * turn around *

 

To put it bluntly , she is with him right now , not you. Well she's there for you like a buddy but you aren't making love to her ...

 

I understand what you mean, and I've thought about this a lot. And truthfully I still do have feelings for her, I'm sure they will always be there, but I'm not going to just wait for her to come around. I'm still going to meet more people and find the one for me. It's just been so long since I've gotten along so well with anyone that I wouldn't want to lose a friendship as well. You know?

[carhill]

Yes, I do know, for longer than you've been alive

 

It's up to you to decide how to approach this. You've been through a lot (losing your fiance), so no one here can really see things through your eyes. My opinion, now that I know your emotions had become engaged, is to break that emotional bond first, then work on the friendship. It's very hard to do unless you don't have any contact with her.

 

I wish you well. Some lady will be very fortunate

[Reikon]

Yes, I do know, for longer than you've been alive

 

It's up to you to decide how to approach this. You've been through a lot (losing your fiance), so no one here can really see things through your eyes. My opinion, now that I know your emotions had become engaged, is to break that emotional bond first, then work on the friendship. It's very hard to do unless you don't have any contact with her.

 

I wish you well. Some lady will be very fortunate

 

 

 

Haha, fair enough. I've never had a truely plutonic friendship with a woman though. So I would have no idea how to stop those emotions from re-occuring. I think I would have to cut her out of my life until I found someone else, and would that even work? Besides just stopping being around her seems hard to accomplish in my mind as we have just begun to grow into such really great friends. I know what you all are saying though and thinking about it now, I'm pretty sure that I'm setting myself up for disaster.... /sigh I like to think that I'm strong willed but how much can one really take down the road? /uber-sigh

[TheFonz]

My take is the timing for this was just bad with the ex in the picture. I think you got bad advice. You have been too accomodating with this girl. You offered her a relationship first without her having to offer sex in return. Now she has no respect for as a sexual man. She is still having sex with the ex in the meantime. You should've cut her off and walked away a lot sooner. That was the only thing that would've made her see the light and to be interested in oyu as more than a "friend".