can/should we get a second chance?

[questionsonlove]

Hi there, thanks for checking out my post. Sorry that it's so long.

 

My ex and I broke up 3.5 months ago (we're both 25). We'd been together for a year, and most of our time together was great. We loved each other, got along really well, and connected on many levels. In January, she started a new job, and everything changed. She was away from home 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. When she wasn't working, she basically had to look after her mom and brother, and was starting to feel health side-effects from her lack of rest and sleep.

 

Things cooled off between us as we saw less of each other. I felt guilty taking her away from her sleep, and household commitments, and thought she would appreciate a little space. I planned a fantastic Valentines weekend, and we had a wonderful time (it was just like before her new job), but afterwards, things reverted to their old ways - we hardly saw each other.

 

We decided that "things just weren't working", and went our separate ways. We hardly talked over the next few months, I even tried seeing someone else. Unfortunately, seeing this other girl just intensified my longing for all the things I loved about my ex.

 

I sent my ex a couple emails, letting her know how I felt. She eventually responded to the effect of, "I still have feelings for you; the last few months have been hard on me too; but I have too much else going on, and having a boyfriend feels like another thing to deal with. Maybe we can try being friends for now."

 

well, that message is pretty cut & dry. But in my present state, I can read a lot into it. "...feelings for you", and "...friends for now" stand out in my mind. So I wrote her a note, telling her that I didn't want to be something to "deal with", I wanted to help her, and try to make her life better and easier. I told her I was happy she still had feelings for me, and suggested that we get together and see where things go; mentioning that it'd be hard to know how we'll feel if & when we see each other.

 

She replied with a quick note agreeing that we should meet up for, "coffee or something sometime". After a bit, I called her. She sounded a little surprised to hear from me, she was busy when I called, but it sounded like she couldn't decide whether she wanted to talk to me or not. I'd be like, "well, I'll just let you go then", and she'd say something neutral, and keep me on the phone a bit longer. So I suggested we meet for coffee sometime soon, if she has the time, and she said, "oh, maybe. Well, I'll email you." And that was it! Ahhhh! How demoralizing.

 

So now I'm sorta confused, and it sounds like she might be too. She's still very busy, so I'm not trying to pressure her, but I really, really miss her, and want to be with her. My mind keeps screaming, "Just give her some space, leave her alone! It didn't work with her working all the time before, why should it work this time!?!?" But I'm convinced I can help make her life happier, and I think we can be very happy together. How can I tell if she feels the same way about me, but is just worried how her life will change when she has me to "deal with"?

 

I can be patient, and wait for her life to stabilize but, to put it callously, I want to make sure I'm not wasting my time here. Was she just trying to make me feel better with her messages? Does, "I still have feelings for you, let's just be friends for now." mean "For goodness sakes, you stubborn fool! Leave me alone! Get on with your life!" ???

 

If, by some chance, my dream comes true, and we do get back together, how can I tell if it'll be just like Valentines again? A brief reunification, followed by more of the same that broke us the first time?

 

By the way, she hates her job, and only keeps it for the wicked work experience it gives her.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read my message.

[yes]

WHY does she work 12 hrs a day? Is she workaholic? Or supports her mother & brother? How did she survive before the new job?

 

-yes

[questionsonlove]

She's a recent grad and there's slim pickin's for jobs right now. So, she's got a 1.5 hour commute, each way, to work, and puts in a 9 hour day at the office (because she depends on a ride to/from work).

 

She was unemployed after finishing school for a few months, and definitely wasn't living the high life. She's managed to deal with her circumstances incredibly well, much better than I could have.

 

Her brother is in university, and her mother is disabled from an accident.

[yagottahelp]

Although I am younger, I am in college, and in some what of a similar situation. I guess it's slightly different, my ex and i broke up just about 2 months ago, and now we're "best friends" I just put it in quotes because in mine, and everyone elses eyes, we are a couple, besides the intimate stuff, emotionally and stuff we are together- but she's hung up on it being bestfriends and nothing more right now.......

 

She also has been working a lot for someone in college, pretty much everyday, she has also been devoting most time to a recdent move, and her sick mom. The extra time she has had most of the time she has called me to do soemthing, so that makes me feel pretty special.

 

I am convinced, and hoping, that the time she is devoting to everything else is why we are kind of on the standby. I know she still loves me and is attracted to me, i mean she asks me to stay over at her house and stuff, we sleep in the same bed when we're together, she gets all cuddly into my side.......

 

It's just that i am expendable i guess just like you, she can't get rid of her family, or her job, any relaitonship offers some level of stress no matter how good it is, and that's just the only thing she could get out of her life, sounds like we're both kind of into the same thing.

 

If it helps, i've been playing along with the bestfriend thing, because truly we are, it's perfect when we're together. She needs someone to cry on, hug, be there for her when nobody else is, it wouldn't send a positive signal if i packed up and left, because in my case at least, I know (and so does she) know we'll be ok and get married someday-

 

Just take it day by day, decide if you truly love her and are willing to spend a ton of time, some money, and some pride, on it-or if you are better off getting over it and finding someone new.

[yes]

i think i'd stick by her and play it day by day IF it was obvious that she does make an effort to make some time for me, even if its only once in two weeks or so ...

 

good luck!

-yes

[questionsonlove]

Thanks for your responses,

 

I'm glad not everyone thinks I'm insane for hoping things can work out.

 

I suppose all I can do is be patient - let her know I'm here if and when she needs me. But where do I draw the line? There's no sense harassing her every day, calling up and saying "I'm here for you!" I'd cut off my own phone privileges if I ever felt I was bothering her. I felt guilty enough sending her two emails in two weeks!

 

But leaving her completely alone doesn't seem like a valid option to me. I understand that there's something to be said for giving her space and letting her decide what she wants. But I know her. She could be dying to talk to me, dying to talk to anyone, and she wouldn't call. She's a total introvert and would probably just watch a movie, have a bath, and go to bed early.

 

So, I guess the plan is to keep initiating contact (maybe once a week) and keep reminding her that I want to help. Is this stalking? Is this not letting go? Or is it alright for me to try and convince someone I love (someone who still has feelings for me) to trust in me again?

 

thanks again,

qol

[yagottahelp]

You know what, mainly, you have to follow your heart. I don't think calling once a week just to be nice, keeping maybe a short conversation of 10-15 minutes of seeing how she is (don't say anything at all about the relationship, act like it never happened) is at all crowding.

 

You have to find kind of a happy medium. Find that level where you can do things to maybe make her happy and show you care, but not too much as to push her away. In your case, a phone call a week might be the limit, in my situation, it seems that more is ok, I sent her sunflowers after she moved to her new house and she hasn't stopped thanking me for 3 weeks, so i'm assuming it won't over big.

 

Test the waters a little, you'll know when you went too far.

 

Good luck to you

[questionsonlove]

hello all,

 

It's been a little while since my last post, so I figured I'd post an update for those interested (and perhaps in a similar situation).

 

So the ex and I are emailing each other, once or twice a week. One of the complications of her life has departed (a visiting family member) and I think she's still recuperating from that experience; resting a lot, enjoying the sun, etc...

 

To date, we've managed to see each other once. She and her brother met me for a little golf practice. It was pretty awkward at first, but we were fairly relaxed by the end. We chatted a little, and stood at least arm's length apart the whole time. She seemed pretty cautious the whole time, and I didn't delve into any deep conversation with her. I just mentioned a few times how nice it was to see her, and she agreed that it was good to see me too but, like I said, the whole experience was cordial, nothing more.

 

That was a couple weeks ago, and we've emailed a few times since. I've suggested that we meet up again for a walk, or coffee, or ice cream or whatever... unfortunately she tends to to ignore my suggestions in her replies! I can't say I'm too surprised, but... Well, right now, I'm fairly satisfied with being in contact with her. All I can do is be patient, and let her decide what she wants to do. It's strange though, in some of her emails, she suggests that we do go do something together... But they almost seem like idle suggestions because I don't get anywhere when I try to follow up on them!

 

Luckily (?), my life is pretty hectic right now, so there isn't too much idle time for my mind to wander (except in my dreams!). I guess my busy schedule gives me a look at life from her perspective... She's been almost this busy for 8 months, and I'm run down after just a couple weeks!

 

Still though, I'd love to know what she thinks of about me and "us" right now... Would she give it another chance if she wasn't so busy? Does she think about me even a fraction as much as I think of her? I should probably give her a call, but neither of us is a "phone person", so it might be a waste of time.

 

Well, that's it. Not much of an update, but I believe some progress has been made. I guess the question I'm asking myself is; By emailing me is she offering:

1) Seeds - with which it's possible to regrow the relationship?

2) Flowers - clipped, trimmed and pretty to look at, but with no long term value?

 

Maybe she's just as confused as me... Now there's a comforting thought!

 

Thanks, and good luck,

QOL

[my_mother's_daughter]

I really feel for your situation, sounds like you've fallen hard and really want her back. However. many times in your posts you yourself have acknowledged that she avoids the issue of your break-up and possibilities for recinciliation, and that when you try to arrange contact she deflects this also. What I would like to ask you is quite simple: Have you spoken to her like you've 'spoken' to us? Have you asked her outright what's going on? If not, why not? Are you scared you may get the *wrong* answer?

 

Other than delicately confronting her, there seems little else you can do other than carry on the way you are, maintain intermittent contact and keep yourself busy.

 

If it's meant to be, then it shall be so. Wouldn't hurt asking her though, information is often more accurate when extracted from source....

 

xxx

[NEONINK]

hmmm... questionsonlove...

 

Wouldn't it be a dream if you were to meet somebody that absolutely fell head over heels for you, and you for her?

 

Wouldn't it be great to find somebody that made your heart flutter? and her eyes twinkle? you both grin ear-to-ear when seeing each other?

 

Wouldn't it be great to find somebody just as emotionally available as you are? as ready to love as you are? as prepared to keep their life prioritized so that love is one of the top three priorities just like you are?

 

I doubt you said, "No, I really don't want that right now. I just want a friend to hang out with."

 

Start opening up your options and your heart!!!!!!!!!!

 

Dr. Beverly DeAngeles says there are NO FAILED RELATIONSHIPS.

It's just that we are either loving the wrong way or loving the wrong people. It doesn't sound like you were loving the wrong way. So that only leaves one option.

[K.J]

I feel for you, not to many people feel this, maybe (just a thought) have you offered to help her with the family, I mean go there after work for an hour and see if she needs help with anything. It really sounds like in all your posts that you have been trying so hard to spend time with her and show how you care by respecting "her space". Maybe what she needs is someone to help her cook dinner, when you are that tired any help is great help. Or just go there and bring her a coffee and sit with her, that way she does not have ot leave her mom at home and worry about that. I feel for the both of you, I really think that it mihgt be that she is worn out ot the point that she does not really want ot move when she can be sitting still.

See if you can go there and help her with anything, a coffee, a hand in the house somehow. It does not only say that you understand but it also tells her that you care for what she is doing.

Good luck, keep us updated

[questionsonlove]

Hi all, just thought I'd pop by my old thread and throw an update up. Sorry it's so long winded!

 

Well, I may as well summarize our meetings over the last while:

 

about a month and a half ago - met up at a mutual friend's bbq. We knew each other would be there before hand. I drank quite a bit (there was a keg, I'm only human ). Before I had too many, I asked her if she'd give me a ride home (its on her way), she said sure. We chatted quite a bit, and it was a light-hearted evening. Some dude was hitting on her pretty hard, but she just brushed him off, and complained about him to me. I didn't do anything about it, I knew he didn't have a chance, so I just ignored it. Overall, I was just happy I didn't make a jerk of myself with all the booze around!

 

a couple weeks later - we met for breakfast and a round of golf. Breakfast was a little awkward; how are you? fine. how are you? fine. cough... cough... But we settled down, and by the time we got to the golf course, we were totally comfortable. During the round, I was trying to be very supportive (she just started golfing this summer), she kept remarking on how nice I was being to her, and we kept catching each other's eye and smiling. We had a drink after the round, and kind of hit a conversation wall. Not much was said when I was giving her a ride home. When we got to her place, I hopped out to take her clubs out of my truck, and she asked if I'd like to come in. So, I went in, and I yacked with her mom and played with her dog. The dog absolutely loves me, and her mom kept commenting on how "dogs can tell if someone is a good person". Before I knew it, they asked me to stay for dinner. I helped cook (like I used to), and we had a good evening. I kept making jokes and light hearted conversation, and we had a good time. We kept sitting close to each other and after a joke I made, she walked across the kitchen and pinched my stomach! physical contact! oh my god!

 

Her birthday was a week later, and I had offered to take her out to dinner. She told me how nice that was of me, and how it was the only offer she had. It looked like a sure thing, but it never happened! I couldn't decide whether it was appropriate to send flowers, so I just sent an e-card.

 

A week after that, I went golfing with her and her brother. We had a good time again, AND she finally wore the necklace I gave her for valentines day! It was the first time I'd seen her wearing it since our break up. She was wearing the same outfit as she wore for our previous golf outing, so I'm not sure why this day was more special, but it seemed I was on the right track!

 

so, naturally, she pulled away again! ahh! I offered the birthday dinner to her again the next weekend, and she didn't get back to me until this week.

 

We saw each other last night at the bar, and talked a bit, but focused on the mutual friend we were there to see. She and I are probably going to go for dinner and drinks on Friday (her birthday dinner, finally).

 

I'm pretty confused. It's like she's very slowly giving in to me, but doesn't want to rush things (hence only meeting me every couple weeks). But I don't know, she was sorta cold to me last night, but agreed to see me on Friday. We'll also see each other on Monday, at a mutual friend's birthday. But, we only really talk well together when we're alone (probably the reason why she seemed cold last night).

 

I'd like to find out how she feels this Friday. i don't want to interrogate her though. She already knows how I feel, and I just want to know what she's thinking. How can I do this, without undoing all the "progress" I've made??? Can one casually ask, "So.... I still love you, do you think we'd be able to make things work?"

 

It seems to me that she still has feelings for me, but is trying hard not to let them take hold of her. Does this seem plausible? Maybe I should ask her why she seems to be holding her feelings back? Well, if she even admitted to holding anything back, she'd just tell me, "life's too hectic right now, sorry".

 

well, thanks for reading this, I'm pretty confused these days... Every time I think to myself, "alright, enough of this. I love her, but this isn't getting anywhere" something happens that keeps me hooked on her and gets me all optimistic again.

 

take it easy and best of luck,

qol

[NEONINK]

You can go fishing with two fishing poles.... Then you are likely to catch more fish.

 

It's great she's opening a door; I understand your dilemna about scaring her off. But my friends would say to me, "Do you really want to be with someone that you are afraid you'll scare off?" And they have a point.

 

Keep your options open! She's not the only fish in the sea. (just in case).

[MercyRose]

When I read your post what stood out to me the most is something I have learned very recently.

 

People react in many ways to a crisis.

 

• 
  Some people turn away from you and withdraw into themselves further and further until they finally leave, or you leave.
   
  Some people turn on you and leave if you refuse to put up with it, or take it out on you if you stay.
   
  And some people turn to you for comfort and support.
  

 

You should always strive to be in a relationship where your partner turns to you. This enriches and deepens your relationship.

 

You only see peoples true colours and have a glimpse of how your relationship will develop in the future when you see how your partner reacts in a crisis.

 

Life has its ups and downs till the day you die and whether you have a happy, healthy and fulfilling relationship depends on how you cope and react during a crisis.

[NEONINK]

MercyRose has the answer for so many of us!

[questionsonlove]

wise statements indeed...

 

she used to turn to me... then she turned away from me... I can think of some simplistic reasons why she turned away, and I can also think of some deeper issues that finally came to a head and forced her to withdraw from me (and obviously, being a man, I can probably only see the tip of the iceberg ). But none of the issues are impossible to resolve; the catch is that they aren't resolvable through one person's efforts.

 

She'll never turn back to me unless she feels she can love me again, I guess that's why I'm fighting this one-sided battle to try and get us back together. I really feel if she can acknowledge some of her feelings for me, we can work to resolve our issues together. But... I suppose that last thing she needs in her life is the pain of trying to fix something that she feels she can live without. Ouch, there's a painful revelation.

 

 

Anyways, to follow up on the fishing analogy: we've been apart for so long, obviously I'm not sitting around, ignoring the other fish swimming around. I suppose I do have two fishing poles out there, but I caught a really good fish with my original pole, so 'nibbles' on it tend to catch my attention more than 'nibbles' on the new pole.

 

thanks for the input!