Becoming Very Impatient!

[Shanon]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years in April. We have been living together for almost a year now. I have a 5 and half year old son with an x-boyfriend. My boyfriend now loves him to dealth and vise-versa. My problem is that I am wondering when he is going to ask me to marry him, if he ever will. We have talked about it on numerous occasions, and we both agree that it will happen someday, and that it is what we both want. We have also talked about having children together and where will live. We agree on everything, except for when we will get married. I am beginning to become very impatient with this matter, and I feel it shows at times. If we both agree it will happen, and that it is what we want, than why won't he ask me? We both have alot of friends who engaged or married and none of them have been together as long as we have been. We have a wedding to go to in April, and they have only been dating for 2 years. What should I do? How can I make him ask me? Why won't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? Or him? Just being engaged to him would be a nice start and good next step in our relationship, but I don't know how to get this to happen. I love him with all my heart and soul, and just can't wait to be with him as one, and spend the rest of our lives together as a family! Please help me find out what to do!

[Heather]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years in April. We have been living together for almost a year now. I have a 5 and half year old son with an x-boyfriend. My boyfriend now loves him to dealth and vise-versa. My problem is that I am wondering when he is going to ask me to marry him, if he ever will. We have talked about it on numerous occasions, and we both agree that it will happen someday, and that it is what we both want. We have also talked about having children together and where will live. We agree on everything, except for when we will get married. I am beginning to become very impatient with this matter, and I feel it shows at times. If we both agree it will happen, and that it is what we want, than why won't he ask me? We both have alot of friends who engaged or married and none of them have been together as long as we have been. We have a wedding to go to in April, and they have only been dating for 2 years. What should I do? How can I make him ask me? Why won't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? Or him? Just being engaged to him would be a nice start and good next step in our relationship, but I don't know how to get this to happen. I love him with all my heart and soul, and just can't wait to be with him as one, and spend the rest of our lives together as a family! Please help me find out what to do!

Shanon,

 

Waiting for a man to make a decision on something is THE WORST, especially when it's as important as this.

 

Let me ask you this if you don't mind just for my curiosity sake, is it the marriage you want or the wedding day?

[Shanon]

Heather,

 

Honestly it is a little of both. But I can say I wouldn't want the "Wedding Day" with anyone else, but him. I just feel like I have been and will be waiting forever. I just want to know if there is anything I can do, and if there is anything I should be concerned about?

Shanon, Waiting for a man to make a decision on something is THE WORST, especially when it's as important as this. Let me ask you this if you don't mind just for my curiosity sake, is it the marriage you want or the wedding day?

[Margaret]

I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been together three and a half years. I am ready to get engaged and married, and while he talks about it frequently, he hasn't proposed yet and I don't get the feeling that he's actively working towards this. My questions for you are as follows: How old are you and him? Have you discussed this with him in detail (i.e., why he isn't ready now; what he's waiting for, etc.)? Last, how long are YOU willing to wait?

 

The reason I ask this last question is because I have been so incredibly distressed by my situation that I went to a counselor. I was actually considering giving my man an ultimatum, which I told myself I would never do. The counselor told me that there is nothing wrong with an ultimatum of this sort, as long as I am planning on sticking to the consequences. Meaning that if I were to say "an engagement within 6 months or we're through", I'd better be prepared to walk away after 6 months. I decided I wasn't ready to do this, so I haven't. I continue to wait patiently.

 

I think you need to think long and hard, as I have been doing, about how long you are willing to wait. Unfortunately, you can't make somebody be willing to do this just because you are ready. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you deeply, or my boyfriend doesn't love me deeply. Everyone moves at their own pace with such major life decisions. There's nothing inherently wrong with this. What makes it wrong is when both can't find a happy medium.

 

Anyhow, I just wanted to share this with you. Believe me, I know how difficult this is for you. But I really believe that there is no way you can make him propose. He's going to do it when he is ready, and if you pressure him enough, it may actually push him away. I keep telling myself that if it is truly meant to be, it will happen. But I know, as well as you do, that that's not much of a consolation when you want this as bad as we do. Best of luck, and keep me posted on how things go.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years in April. We have been living together for almost a year now. I have a 5 and half year old son with an x-boyfriend. My boyfriend now loves him to dealth and vise-versa. My problem is that I am wondering when he is going to ask me to marry him, if he ever will. We have talked about it on numerous occasions, and we both agree that it will happen someday, and that it is what we both want. We have also talked about having children together and where will live. We agree on everything, except for when we will get married. I am beginning to become very impatient with this matter, and I feel it shows at times. If we both agree it will happen, and that it is what we want, than why won't he ask me? We both have alot of friends who engaged or married and none of them have been together as long as we have been. We have a wedding to go to in April, and they have only been dating for 2 years. What should I do? How can I make him ask me? Why won't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? Or him? Just being engaged to him would be a nice start and good next step in our relationship, but I don't know how to get this to happen. I love him with all my heart and soul, and just can't wait to be with him as one, and spend the rest of our lives together as a family! Please help me find out what to do!

[Totally Confused]

I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice that worked for a friend of mine. She went through the same exact situation you did, except she doesn't have a child. She had been dating her boyfriend for 4 years (he was already once divorced) and she wanted to marry him. He said, I'm not ready, but we'll talk about it another time. Well finally she pushed and he said he still wasn't ready, so she left him. After three weeks of being seperated, she started losing weight. Everyday, she'd come into work and she'd be crying and couldn't eat. Apparently he was a mess too and he compromised and said, we'll talk marriage later, but why don't you move in with me to give it a try. If that works out, we'll get married. Well she moved in with him and another year passed and she was now with him for 5 years total. He still didn't propose and said he still wasn't ready, so without telling him she slowly started moving her things out, little by little. He barely noticed and thought she was just cleaning up and throwing old stuff out. She set herself a date (w/o telling him) and just left him on that day. He wrote her the most heart wrenching letters and emails and called her constantly. He would show up at the her parents house (where she was staying) telling her he couldn't live without her. She wanted to just take him back sooooo bad. She was so worried if she didn't take him back, she'd lose him, but she took the chance and stayed strong. All she kept saying to him was, I love you as much as you love me and I don't want to be without you either, but I have to be true to what I want, and if you can't give me what I want, then I need to find someone who can. If you want me back as badly as you say, then I want a ring and a committment. He hemmed and hawed and finally after 1 1/2 months w/o her - proposed. They were married, 9 mos. later. The time apart made him realize that he couldn't live without her.

 

This guy loves you, but he's taking the relationship for granted. "Why buy the cow, when you're getting the milk for free?" I know that sounds cliche, but it's so true, especially in your case. Until you push for more and put your foot down, he's not going to make any move. He's too comfortable. You have to put your foot down now and tell him what you want. Let him know you won't settle for less. I know this sound like a sneaky and manipulative tactic, but men don't know what they want, you have to tell them what they want...and it works.

[Shanon]

Of course I don't mind your giving me advice, that is why I posted my message in the first place, to get advice. In fact I think your advice is great and I will certainly try it. The only problem is going to be that I don't know how strong I can be. I don't want to lose him at all, and what if things don't work out for me the way they did for your friend? That is the biggest thing I am afraid of. I know what I want, and I really want to have it, but I don't know if I am ready to take the chance of losing what I already have! It is a very difficult situation, and scary. I do thank you for your wonderful advice and story about your friend, and I WILL give it a try, and keep you posted on how that goes. Thank You!

I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice that worked for a friend of mine. She went through the same exact situation you did, except she doesn't have a child. She had been dating her boyfriend for 4 years (he was already once divorced) and she wanted to marry him. He said, I'm not ready, but we'll talk about it another time. Well finally she pushed and he said he still wasn't ready, so she left him. After three weeks of being seperated, she started losing weight. Everyday, she'd come into work and she'd be crying and couldn't eat. Apparently he was a mess too and he compromised and said, we'll talk marriage later, but why don't you move in with me to give it a try. If that works out, we'll get married. Well she moved in with him and another year passed and she was now with him for 5 years total. He still didn't propose and said he still wasn't ready, so without telling him she slowly started moving her things out, little by little. He barely noticed and thought she was just cleaning up and throwing old stuff out. She set herself a date (w/o telling him) and just left him on that day. He wrote her the most heart wrenching letters and emails and called her constantly. He would show up at the her parents house (where she was staying) telling her he couldn't live without her. She wanted to just take him back sooooo bad. She was so worried if she didn't take him back, she'd lose him, but she took the chance and stayed strong. All she kept saying to him was, I love you as much as you love me and I don't want to be without you either, but I have to be true to what I want, and if you can't give me what I want, then I need to find someone who can. If you want me back as badly as you say, then I want a ring and a committment. He hemmed and hawed and finally after 1 1/2 months w/o her - proposed. They were married, 9 mos. later. The time apart made him realize that he couldn't live without her. This guy loves you, but he's taking the relationship for granted. "Why buy the cow, when you're getting the milk for free?" I know that sounds cliche, but it's so true, especially in your case. Until you push for more and put your foot down, he's not going to make any move. He's too comfortable. You have to put your foot down now and tell him what you want. Let him know you won't settle for less. I know this sound like a sneaky and manipulative tactic, but men don't know what they want, you have to tell them what they want...and it works.

[Libby]

Ok, another story, and a new idea...

 

My parents met in a bar in LA. They dated, and after a year or so my dad moved in with my mom. (This was all pre-me). They lived together happily for a year or so, when my dad came up with the idea that they should see other people. (this one is a little off topic, but funny). Mom wasn't sure what dad was trying to do, but she understood the concept, and went out and picked up the most handsome man she could find. They went to dinner and talked for a few hours in his car in front of her house...where dad was sitting in the living room waiting up for her. Well, nothing was said, and a year went by, and still no engagement (and no more dating other people). (This one is on topic, I promise!) Mom was cleaning up after dinner one night and dad was sitting in the living room watching TV. She screwed up her nerve and said something along the lines of "Marry me or move out." He thought about it for about half an hour and finally said "Yea, this is what I want in life. Let's get married." Not the most romatic, but effective. They have been married for 29 years now.

 

So, why don't you ask him? Do it right. Go to a jeweler and pick out a nice ring (making sure you can trade it in if he wants a different style) and get down on one knee with some roses and ask him to be yours forever. He still might say he's not ready, but more than likely, he'll see that you are offering your love and care to him forever, and that you want him to be a permanent part of the family you and your son have started.

 

Good luck!

[Margaret]

Dear Totally Confused: I also like your idea, but this won't work for my situation since we don't live together. My boyfriend and I agree on NOT living together until we are married. He talks regularly about getting married, but just hasn't done anything about it yet. Do you have any suggestions for this situation? I know I could just end the relationship, but like Shannon, this is an extremely difficult thing to do. Thanks.

I hope you don't mind me giving you some advice that worked for a friend of mine. She went through the same exact situation you did, except she doesn't have a child. She had been dating her boyfriend for 4 years (he was already once divorced) and she wanted to marry him. He said, I'm not ready, but we'll talk about it another time. Well finally she pushed and he said he still wasn't ready, so she left him. After three weeks of being seperated, she started losing weight. Everyday, she'd come into work and she'd be crying and couldn't eat. Apparently he was a mess too and he compromised and said, we'll talk marriage later, but why don't you move in with me to give it a try. If that works out, we'll get married. Well she moved in with him and another year passed and she was now with him for 5 years total. He still didn't propose and said he still wasn't ready, so without telling him she slowly started moving her things out, little by little. He barely noticed and thought she was just cleaning up and throwing old stuff out. She set herself a date (w/o telling him) and just left him on that day. He wrote her the most heart wrenching letters and emails and called her constantly. He would show up at the her parents house (where she was staying) telling her he couldn't live without her. She wanted to just take him back sooooo bad. She was so worried if she didn't take him back, she'd lose him, but she took the chance and stayed strong. All she kept saying to him was, I love you as much as you love me and I don't want to be without you either, but I have to be true to what I want, and if you can't give me what I want, then I need to find someone who can. If you want me back as badly as you say, then I want a ring and a committment. He hemmed and hawed and finally after 1 1/2 months w/o her - proposed. They were married, 9 mos. later. The time apart made him realize that he couldn't live without her. This guy loves you, but he's taking the relationship for granted. "Why buy the cow, when you're getting the milk for free?" I know that sounds cliche, but it's so true, especially in your case. Until you push for more and put your foot down, he's not going to make any move. He's too comfortable. You have to put your foot down now and tell him what you want. Let him know you won't settle for less. I know this sound like a sneaky and manipulative tactic, but men don't know what they want, you have to tell them what they want...and it works.

[Totally Confused]

Hi Margaret.

 

First, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? If it's more than 4 years, then you need to worry. It doesn't matter if you two live together or not, it will still work. It basically a way of telling a guy, "listen I love you and want to commit to you for life - if you can't do that, then I'll have no choice, but to move on and find what I'm looking for elsewhere." Then once you leave, the guy will have time to mull over his feelings for you. Does he really love you, how does it make him feel knowing that he has to live the rest of his life without you? Once he answers that question, he'll come to you and at the same time, he'll think that proposing to you was his idea, because you weren't around to pressure him. If you constantly pressure him, it's like pressuring a child to clean their room - they won't do it and they'll fight you every step of the way. The same thing with pressuring a guy. They want it to be their idea, not something they were pressured in to. They'll end up resenting you. That's why leaving them is the best thing for both parties. You'll find out if he really loves you and then he'll committ. And second, he'll discover the depth of his love for you and decide if being together for the rest of your lives is a good idea.

 

Now if you two have been together for less than 4 years. You have nothing to worry about, yet. The fact that he talks about marriage with you openly is wonderful. Guys won't do that, unless they are serious about you. He's just waiting for the right moment, so relax and don't bring it up to him again. He'll appreciate it if you don't pressure him about it. If you don't pressure him, he'll be much more comfortable and he'll do it on his own.

 

Remember, over four year, panick. Under four years and talking about marriage,but hasn't proposed yet, no worries what-so-ever.

[Margaret]

Thank you for your enlightening response. My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. I am 28 and he is 30. I guess I get frustrated because, like Shannon, so many of our friends are engaged/married, and they didn't date nearly as long as we have been. Also, I continue to get pressure from my family. My mom continues to say, "well, if he doesn't know by now whether he wants to marry you, it's just not meant to be..." I find that amusing, especially considering that she and my dad were so sure they wanted to marry after only one year of dating, and now they have been divorced for 10 years. Still, the pressure does bother me.

 

Over the past year, I have pressured him some to get engaged, and you're right, he did become angry and defensive. I really haven't brought up the issue much over the past few months, and he seems to talk about it more. But I still get the feeling that he's not actively working towards this, although I may be wrong and he's always said that he wants to totally surprise me with the proposal. As I write this out, I realize that perhaps I am worrying over nothing. Also, while I know that most couples probably go into marriage saying this, my boyfriend is extremely old-fashioned and religious; to him, you marry once, it's for life, 'til death do you part. I appreciate and respect that immensely. However, I know I am ready. I still get concerned whether he is.

 

Like you said, perhaps I shouldn't really worry until we hit the four year mark and there's still no engagement. I would hate to lose him, but I've always known I wanted marriage and children. I hope it can be with him, but if not, I'll have to move on (hoping, of course, that he'll realize what he lost and decide marrying me is really what he wants).

 

Anyhow, thanks so much for you response. I also hope you don't mind me saying that your insight into human thinking and behavior is really amazing (I regularly read your responses), and I can see how you've helped so many people who post on this site.

Hi Margaret. First, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? If it's more than 4 years, then you need to worry. It doesn't matter if you two live together or not, it will still work. It basically a way of telling a guy, "listen I love you and want to commit to you for life - if you can't do that, then I'll have no choice, but to move on and find what I'm looking for elsewhere." Then once you leave, the guy will have time to mull over his feelings for you. Does he really love you, how does it make him feel knowing that he has to live the rest of his life without you? Once he answers that question, he'll come to you and at the same time, he'll think that proposing to you was his idea, because you weren't around to pressure him. If you constantly pressure him, it's like pressuring a child to clean their room - they won't do it and they'll fight you every step of the way. The same thing with pressuring a guy. They want it to be their idea, not something they were pressured in to. They'll end up resenting you. That's why leaving them is the best thing for both parties. You'll find out if he really loves you and then he'll committ. And second, he'll discover the depth of his love for you and decide if being together for the rest of your lives is a good idea. Now if you two have been together for less than 4 years. You have nothing to worry about, yet. The fact that he talks about marriage with you openly is wonderful. Guys won't do that, unless they are serious about you. He's just waiting for the right moment, so relax and don't bring it up to him again. He'll appreciate it if you don't pressure him about it. If you don't pressure him, he'll be much more comfortable and he'll do it on his own. Remember, over four year, panick. Under four years and talking about marriage,but hasn't proposed yet, no worries what-so-ever.

[Shirley]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 years in April. We have been living together for almost a year now. I have a 5 and half year old son with an x-boyfriend. My boyfriend now loves him to dealth and vise-versa. My problem is that I am wondering when he is going to ask me to marry him, if he ever will. We have talked about it on numerous occasions, and we both agree that it will happen someday, and that it is what we both want. We have also talked about having children together and where will live. We agree on everything, except for when we will get married. I am beginning to become very impatient with this matter, and I feel it shows at times. If we both agree it will happen, and that it is what we want, than why won't he ask me? We both have alot of friends who engaged or married and none of them have been together as long as we have been. We have a wedding to go to in April, and they have only been dating for 2 years. What should I do? How can I make him ask me? Why won't he ask me? Is there something wrong with me? Or him? Just being engaged to him would be a nice start and good next step in our relationship, but I don't know how to get this to happen. I love him with all my heart and soul, and just can't wait to be with him as one, and spend the rest of our lives together as a family! Please help me find out what to do!

Hi!

 

You need to be the one to ask him to marry you. There is no way that you can know the reason why he hasn't asked you yet. Maybe he is afraid of making things final. So, propose to him. If he says yes, great, and congratulations. If he says no, then you need to decide if you love him enough to stay together without the "Marriage commitment" If not, then you need to start dating again.

[Shanon]

I would love to be the one to ask him to marry me, but you see, he is very old fashioned when it comes down to things like this. If I ask him will indefinetly say "no" for the simple reason that I asked him. He believes that the guy should propose to the women and that under no circumstance should a women ask a guy. In the same sense he feels that a women should be able to stay home and not work, while the man works and supports the family. Now don't get me wrong he doesn't mind a women working, he just feels that it should be her choice. He is a gentleman, opens doors for me, pulls out chairs when I sit, and almost NEVER curses in front of me. This is just the way he is. I feel that times are changing and women are certainly beginning to do alot more than they used to, and I would ask him to marry me, but I know how he is, and how his beliefs are and I know he will say "NO" just becuase I asked him, and that is not the traditional way of doing it. Thank you for the advice, but unfortuneatly I don't think it would work the way it is meant to work, in my situation.

Hi! You need to be the one to ask him to marry you. There is no way that you can know the reason why he hasn't asked you yet. Maybe he is afraid of making things final. So, propose to him. If he says yes, great, and congratulations. If he says no, then you need to decide if you love him enough to stay together without the "Marriage commitment" If not, then you need to start dating again.

[Totally Confused]

Thanks for the compliment. My mom always says I should have gone into psychiatry. I've been dubbed the family shrink.

 

Anyway, you have nothing to worry about. You are only 28. I read somewhere once that a 31 year old woman said, that if possible she would make marriage illegal for anyone under the age of 30. I found that amusing. For some reason, people are always so rushed to get married and they don't even realize what marriage means. The idea of building a life with someone you love sounds wonderful, and it can be, but it's also a lot of work. If you're going to do that, you have to make sure you are doing that with the right person. Everyone's different and there is no definite time limit. Your boyfriend sounds different than Shannon's. Shannon has been with this guy for 5 years and he lives with her. I can understand her frustration, especially because she has a child involved. The child is probably close to this man and looks at him as a father figure. It's definitely time for him to decide if he wants to committ or get out. You love your boyfriend and it sounds to me like he loves you. I wouldn't worry so much. A lot of people nowadays aren't getting married until later on in life. I also disagree with your mother when she says if he really loved you he would have married you by now. I don't think that's true at all. My brother is 32 and his girlfriend is 31. They're not married or engaged. He's not ready and loves her more than anyone. They don't feel the need or the pressure to marry yet. They still have plenty of time. My parents married at 33(mom) and 36(dad). They dated for 6 years and then got married. They're still married and it's been 34 years. I think yours is a late bloomer or he's really smart and wants to make sure it's the right thing for the both of you, whether it be financially or relationship wise. If marriage is forever, why rush. I'd give it another year and a half. Until then, don't push. There's really no need to. Are you sure that you really want to get married at this time or do you think it's because all your friends are married and your mom is pressuring you? Forget what other people are doing and follow your own path. Your life will fall into place accordingly. Enjoy your last few years as a single woman, cause when the time comes and you finally do get married, you'll look back and say, "Why didn't I

 

appreciate my single life while I'd still had it." The grass is always greener, so learn to enjoy where you are in the moment. While you are still single, make sure that this guy is also for you, since it's going to be forever. Don't listen to anyone pressuring you and don't pressure your boyfriend - yet.

 

 

[Bliss]

This is certainly a popular topic with women! I posted a new topic on this subject before I saw this. It's good to know I'm not the only one in the world with this problem.

 

I know what you mean Shanon - I want the guy to propose to me, I want to know he really wants it/me. I would rather never get married than have to pressure/ask a guy (call me a romantic). I've only been with my guy for two and a half years but he has NEVER brought up the topic of marriage, living together, the future, children, anything. And he avoids any conversation about it very well. I can be patient, but I need some direction here. The thing that worries me is that he was with his last girlfriend for 10 years before he lived with her for 2 years, then broke up with her when he met me (it was dead anyway, and I'm beginning to see why). Apparently she wanted to get married but he didn't. So I'm starting to see this happening to me. I don't have ten years to waste! I'm 32 now. It's different for you because you have a child and are living with him, and you don't have the freedom to up and go. The only thing I think you could do would be to leave, but I know it's not that easy. I'm considering moving to another state/dating other men/suddenly becoming too busy to see him. Men only think when you're not there. Can you go on an extended vacation to someone's house or something?

 

I know the agony of waiting, it's a bit hellish. Hang in there. At this point, you seem to have him completely and he loves you. Sometimes you have to think about what you do have and try and be content with that. I'm starting to convince myself that being single for the rest of my life would not be the end of the world.