Jealousy in Dating... I'm an idiot!

[Liza B.]

Long time lurker. I read some posts occasionally but never post cuz I usually am pretty good at the dating game.

 

I'm that girl who doesn't get serious with men because I am not ready, I ended a bad relationship 9 months ago, and want to see what is out there. I've been involved with men who loved me, wanted to be exclusive, and I just didn't want it.

 

A few weeks ago I met a guy. We knew many of the same people, and ended up finally meeting, and really connected. Well, before I get into details...

 

I am totally jealous of the possibility that he is seeing other girls... even though we just met a couple of weeks ago, have not talked about exclusivity, and of course he could be dating other girls!

 

The worst part of all is that last week when we were together, I was scared that he liked me too much, because he told his brother about me, and even invited me to meet his family, and did everything he could to keep me around before I finally had to leave.

 

Regardless of my own maybe commitment issues, he is everything I could want in a man, and I know it. So a couple of days go by -only three!, and I am now already wondering why I haven't heard from him, because he usually texts me, or comments on my facebook. But he hasn't since Friday afternoon.

 

He hasn't been on facebook until last night, and I noticed some chick on his comment area, two comments to suggest there is some back and forth, and it looks like she invited him to a function of hers and he accepted. She is the stereotypical big boobed blonde, with a picture of her in a rather raunchy position. The first comment she left was earlier last week, and when I saw it, I didn't even worry about it.

 

I was secure in me, and how much he likes me, and who I am, and why he would like me so much. But in the matter of a week I have turned into a green eyed monster, because I haven't heard from him, and I usually spend the weekend with him, and I can't stop thinking about who is spent it with, and what he is doing, and ....

 

Someone please set me straight! We aren't even in a committed relationship, I myself want to date other men, and just a week ago I was the most secure person ever, and was SCARED he was too into ME!

 

Anyone!

Edited April 1, 2008 by Liza B.

[carhill]

Could be a setup (regarding the boobs and the function) to make you jealous. Did it work?

[Liza B.]

Could be a setup (regarding the boobs and the function) to make you jealous. Did it work?

 

No she is a real person. She made a comment months ago on some of his pictures. Maybe they used to date. Maybe they still are. And I heard of the event she invited him to. She actually invited him and all of his friends. And in my secure state, I smugly thought he'd be bringing me to that.

 

But I haven't gotten an invite. Or a text. Or a call. Or anything. Today will be day 4, and I think I will die. Of stupid jealousy.

 

Can someone tell me why it is stupid to be jealous? I seemed to have forgotten everything I know.

[carhill]

OK, well it was a thought

 

Not "stupid" to be jealous, though perhaps a bit premature. To me, it means some emotions became engaged a bit earlier then you might have liked. I've fallen victim to this many times.

 

Stay calm. Look around. It would be one thing if this was someone you've known for a long time, but that isn't the case.

 

Not to be bold, but if appropriate (meaning the type of function), and you have a hottie guy friend you hang with, take him (or have him take you ) to the function. I know it sounds a bit gamey but I assume the function is fun and the friend is fun, so it's all fun, right?

[Liza B.]

So I have been occupying myself all day today, and have been eager to get back and see if anyone could slap me out of this, because I am still feeling insane and depressed, and JEALOUS, but... noone has said anything! I am so disappointed! Maybe I put this in the wrong forum, and noone looks or cares here?

 

Someone anyone, please help a girl out, I am drowning!

[carhill]

Seems like, on LS, you get the most attention if you're involved in a sordid extra-marital affair.

 

I guess simple jealousy isn't cutting the mustard today......usually mentioning Facebook gets people going.

 

Wish I knew what else to tell you. Get out BOB and relieve the stress?

[Liza B.]

Seems like, on LS, you get the most attention if you're involved in a sordid extra-marital affair.

 

I guess simple jealousy isn't cutting the mustard today......usually mentioning Facebook gets people going.

 

Wish I knew what else to tell you. Get out BOB and relieve the stress?

 

 

I am happy SOMEONE is trying to help, thank you!

 

I thought people on this forum were supposed to be deep?

 

I guess since my main issue is trying to get some control over my mind, and that just isn't interesting to the folks here.

 

I will just bump this every time I facebook stalk him or any random chicks he talks to.

[sally4sara]

Meh, its only been a couple of weeks. Neither of you could possibly know more than the surface details about each other. You could be the greatest catch he will ever find, but he doesn't know that yet. So if he digs Big-boob Blondie its not because she trumps you. How could anyone trump what he doesn't know yet? He is guy who still has his options open. A guy liking a big boobed blonde well enough to hang out at an event sounds normal to me. Just keep your options open too. Go do your thing and don't worry about it. You might meet someone he will have to fret over. You might meet someone better.

If you go out again you both will learn more about each other. A few months of casual dating before making any big decisions has always worked for me.

Good luck!

[Liza B.]

Just woke up. No contact from him at all still, its almost been a week. Is this a really terrible sign? I was literally afraid he might propose to me, he was so into me, and I may have given off some resistent body language, and I DID make some sarcastic jokes... did I blow it!?!!?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Have you thought that perhaps it isn't you at all, and just a simple matter of you having dated a guy who isn't looking for anything exclusive right now? If he isn't, then you could be solid girlfriend material and he still wouldn't date you exclusively. Maybe he picked up on a "I want to date you exclusively" vibe - who knows. At any rate, I wouldn't count on him being your boyfriend, nor should you try to date him if that isn't what he wants right now.

 

As for the jealousy thing - why is it bad? Because no one likes to have their life dictated by another person's insecurities.

[Little Shy]

As for the jealousy thing - why is it bad? Because no one likes to have their life dictated by another person's insecurities.

 

Lucrezia, I have often read your advice to posters, and it always amazes me how diplomatic you are. You seem to be able to have total control over your emotions, and don't seem to have a jealous bone in your body.

The above statement (quote) by you is very true.

To the OP (Lisa?) I am not like Lucrezia, unfortunately, so much.

I am subject to the random paranoid guy freak out, that you are experiencing now. Not too long ago I posted about a guy that I had just started dating, and he started calling me way less for a week, turns out he was sick as a dog.

My opinion is that MySpace & facebook cause a lot of problems with people's romantic relationships.

Why everyone has to be 1/2 dressed in all of their photos, in suggestive posses as you say, and just always ridiculously flirty with one another, who knows. I guess it's a testimate to what is happening in todays hyper sexed out society.

Non the less, it can be irksome to see this kind of "evidence" if you will posted on someone you are datings' page.

Who know what he wants from the big boobed blonde?

I have to be honest with you though, if I saw a post like that on a guy I had just started datings site, and then no call from him for about a week, I would be a bit concerned myself.

The unfortunate thing is, that I keep having to remind myself, is that no one really owes anyone anything during the 1st couple months of dating.

Your dating partner may slather on a whole host of compliments, and insinuations that you guys will be spending more time together in the future, then they may just disappear into thin air.

Sometimes it may be due to the fact that they have met a more suitable dating partner. Who knows? And sometimes never knowing is what kills us, which is kind of where you are at now, I think.

Not to say that you won't hear from him again! Wonder if he wants to take this blonde out, just to see what she is all about, then he gives you a call back when she dosen't do it for him?

Have you tried calling or contacting him?

Coming from another female who can be quite commitment phobic herself, is this most irksome to you because you are used to being in the seat of control where YOU decide who stays & goes in your romantic life?

Nonetheless, I am sorry you are so distraught over this!

My advice would be, that if you have not tried to initiate contact with him, do so, and put the feelers out there...who knows, maybe he is one of those men who thinks after a little bit of dating, the woman should feel comfortable enough to call if she is interested in him?

Keep us posted, and good luck.

[Liza B.]

I did contact him, with little reply from him, then he changed his status to say in a relationship. So yeah. I was played pretty bad. And I don't know what to do now. He spent the last few weeks with me alone, and I don't understand anything. I am very upset. I haven't confronted him or anything, I feel like everything was a lie now. Even the invite to his brother's house for dinner, to meet his family. A lie. What else makes sense. I was a fool.

[Little Shy]

Liza, I am so sorry! How strange, that he posted he is in a relationship now?? Was there an ex he was on & off with?

That is scary & that really sux. Last person you want to be involved with is a liar.

Best move on quick, and find another one of those man that is head over heels for you, dosent sound like it has been a problem for you till this one!

[lilop01]

I Need Help Somebody Help Me Im Very Very Jealous Ive Been With My Bf For 4 Yrs And All Our Fights Have Been Because Im So Jealous. I Hate Being Jealous Its Not A Good Feeling! Weve Broken Up And Gotten Back Together But Now This Is Da Last Time Were Gonna Give It A Try If It Doesnt Wrk Its Gonna Be Over For Good And I Dont Want That I Really Love This Man Alot!!! Help Me Someone Please What Do I Do How Do I Control This Stupid Jealousy!!!

[mental_traveller]

Hmmm, this is a tricky one. All I can really say is that if a guy is really into you, he won't wait a week before calling. Forget the other woman, you have no idea if he is into her or not. Maybe he is just playing the field, in which case you should *hope* he never calls, because he would just want to use you then move on.

 

Guys who are really into a woman will generally chase pretty hard, call back in 2-3 days not 1 week, and make it obvious. Only the most experienced guys could hold off for a whole week if they liked you, and it's a dangerous game to play because a woman who has it together won't stand for that kind of trick, she'll feel disrespected and move on.

 

As a guy my situation is a bit different, but if a woman I liked gave me the silent treatment for a whole week, I'd dismiss her permanently as relationship material. Sure, if she calls 2 weeks later and says she's feeling horny then I'd have a bit of fun, but I would have long since abandoned any desire to have a relationship. I think you should follow the same approach - unless this guy was in a car accident and has spent the last week recuperating in hospital, then his silence speaks volumes. It means he's just not that into you. The only thing you can do is forget him. Erase his email, any correspondence, delete his phone number, and if he calls back just say you are busy and don't talk. There are ALWAYS plenty more fish in the sea.

[mental_traveller]

I did contact him, with little reply from him, then he changed his status to say in a relationship. So yeah. I was played pretty bad. And I don't know what to do now. He spent the last few weeks with me alone, and I don't understand anything. I am very upset. I haven't confronted him or anything, I feel like everything was a lie now. Even the invite to his brother's house for dinner, to meet his family. A lie. What else makes sense. I was a fool.

 

That explains a lot! Just chalk it up to experience and forget this guy. In future, go by my rule - if someone hasn't got back in touch within a week (and that's pushing it - 4-5 days is the maximum really), then for whatever reason, they aren't serious about you. Either they don't rate you as relationship material, they rate you but just prefer to stay single, they are in a relationship, they are married, or they are gay! Save yourself the bother, and in future have an ironclad rule that you automatically dismiss any guy that doesn't call within 4-5 days.