Would you really miss him/her?

[Curmudgeon]

Be honest now. If your husband/wife/significant other/partner/whatever suddenly left you, after getting over the initial shock would you really miss them?

 

If so, how much of the missing them is genuine sadness, loeliness and real pain and how much is mere conditioning. By that i mean do you really and truly love them or has having them in your life become habit?

 

In my case I think it was the latter!

 

Going on 14 years ago my, then, wife of 25 years announced that she was leaving me and taking our two youngest daughters with her. Our other three children were all adults by then. That weekend after, having to go to my office, I returned home to find her, the girls, the pets and everything in the house gone except for my clothes and a couple of pieces of cast-off furniture from the childrens' playroom. The following week I returned home from a business trip to find our joint bank accounts gone as well.

 

At first I was absolutely devastated but in rather short order, as the ex adopted a "scorched earth" policy in the divorce proceedings, alienated my daughters and moved her boyfriend she'd met seven months before into her new home, the pain dissipated. What I thought had been love slowly but surely turned into indifference.

 

Over the years that followed I came to the realization that the marriage had been a mistake from day-one and the more I worked on myself to correct my faults, the more I realized that I was much better off without the ex than I had ever been with her.

 

If my current marriage was to end I am sure I would honestly miss my wife and continue to love her on some level. We had a friendship that predated our marriage by five years and I would mourn the loss of both.

 

Our marriage would only end for good and cogent reasons but nevertheless, it would be a huge loss and I don't think I would ever be able to stop loving my wife altogether. I would always miss what we once had and would cherish the memories.

 

This is NOT a joke!

 

How about you?

[OldEurope]

Hey, Baby...

 

I'd call you immediately. That is what I would do.

 

(Okay! Joke! Buona Serra!)

 

 

To answer your NO JOKE! question...I would, at this point, be quite devastated, if he simply up and left.

 

However...

 

If he were someone to just "up and leave" my loss of respect would equal love of love, and then yes, I would bounce right back. I have a steel core.

 

If it were the kind of situation where he left after trying and trying to get through to me, to show love to me, and yet I showed no appreciation of him, nor any affection towards him, only to one day wake up and see he has left...I think that would be rather devastating. I do not see this happening, as I am not only deeply in love but I would not dare take him for granted.

 

xo

OE

[Curmudgeon]

... but I would not dare take him for granted.

 

All too often I think people take the others in their lives for granted to the point at which they feel "safe" behaving poorl;y because they believe the other person will always be there for them.

 

Up until this recent episode I think that's the way my wife felt and when i make it clear it was NOT safe to assume I'd always be there it scared her into taking for positive steps towards resolving things.

 

Whatever works!

 

But in case it doesn't, what was your number again?

[OldEurope]

(Editing note to my previous post...I meant to say that for me, a loss of respect would mean a loss of love....)

 

Okay...back to regular programming....

 

Curm-o, in your situation, was the encroaching "taking for granted" that you saw in your wife's general attitudes towards you/the marriage a result of the overwhelming drinking problems, or something that had settled into her personality aside from that state of affairs? In other words, had these mental health issues not been there, do you believe that she'd have been a very attentive partner? Or do you still suspect, possibly not?

 

I guess that, with your case, I am trying to ascertain how much of what you are dealing with in terms of reflecting upon the state of your marriage, is "the drinking" and how much is "the woman"--(or perhaps at this point the two are hard to separate?)

Will send number on nice Italian stationary, with some Acqua di Parma sprinkled on it

[Elena62]

Be honest now. If your husband/wife/significant other/partner/whatever suddenly left you, after getting over the initial shock would you really miss them?

 

If so, how much of the missing them is genuine sadness, loeliness and real pain and how much is mere conditioning. By that i mean do you really and truly love them or has having them in your life become habit?

 

In my case I think it was the latter!

 

Going on 14 years ago my, then, wife of 25 years announced that she was leaving me and taking our two youngest daughters with her. Our other three children were all adults by then. That weekend after, having to go to my office, I returned home to find her, the girls, the pets and everything in the house gone except for my clothes and a couple of pieces of cast-off furniture from the childrens' playroom. The following week I returned home from a business trip to find our joint bank accounts gone as well.

 

At first I was absolutely devastated but in rather short order, as the ex adopted a "scorched earth" policy in the divorce proceedings, alienated my daughters and moved her boyfriend she'd met seven months before into her new home, the pain dissipated. What I thought had been love slowly but surely turned into indifference.

 

Over the years that followed I came to the realization that the marriage had been a mistake from day-one and the more I worked on myself to correct my faults, the more I realized that I was much better off without the ex than I had ever been with her.

 

If my current marriage was to end I am sure I would honestly miss my wife and continue to love her on some level. We had a friendship that predated our marriage by five years and I would mourn the loss of both.

 

Our marriage would only end for good and cogent reasons but nevertheless, it would be a huge loss and I don't think I would ever be able to stop loving my wife altogether. I would always miss what we once had and would cherish the memories.

 

This is NOT a joke!

 

How about you?

 

I'm actually going to miss the friendship I had with him at the start of our 26 year relationship. We DO still get along as pals, and I can't ever see myself not talking to him. As partners, we just don't gel and never have.

 

My divorce doesn't happen for another year, so I'm mourning the loss of my primary relationship now and have been for some time. I don't think I'll be lonely, I think I was conditioned and used to having him in my life as a permanent fixture. I fell out of love with him a long time ago and him, me.

 

However, I can remember one whole year where we loved each other and were in love at the same time and everything was right between us.

 

Over the past year, what I had to face was an irrational fear that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm no longer scared of that. Over the past few months I've made some very strong decisions regarding my healing process. I don't intend to get involved with anyone else until I am settled into my new home and up on my feet and running my own life. That will be in about another 2 1/2 years.

 

I've had my initial shock, I'm going to miss him when it's final, but it's not because I'm in love. It's because I'm letting go of a friend that has been with me most of my adult life.

[Curmudgeon]

I've had my initial shock, I'm going to miss him when it's final, but it's not because I'm in love. It's because I'm letting go of a friend that has been with me most of my adult life.

 

Old habits die hard, Elena. If we're feeling human beings I think we almost always miss the familiar, what was that was good, what could have been if things had been different and, perhaps, what should have been but for human foibles and weaknesses.

 

It gets better, I promise you.

[Curmudgeon]

(Editing note to my previous post...I meant to say that for me, a loss of respect would mean a loss of love....)

 

Okay...back to regular programming....

 

Curm-o, in your situation, was the encroaching "taking for granted" that you saw in your wife's general attitudes towards you/the marriage a result of the overwhelming drinking problems, or something that had settled into her personality aside from that state of affairs? In other words, had these mental health issues not been there, do you believe that she'd have been a very attentive partner? Or do you still suspect, possibly not?

 

My wife would be the first to admit that when we married she didn't really know what it was to be a wife. Even though she'd been married twice before, this was her first marriage to a "traditional" man who understood commitment, actually worked for a living and valued and cherished his wife.

 

I don't know the answer to your question and have pondered it myself. While she was being brought up her father couldn't do enough for her mother who is the most perfect example of a narcissistic personality disorder I've ever run across. Perhaps it was my wifes expectation that having finally landed a truly committed husband, I'd put her on a pedastal and treat her the same way her mother was treated. if so, after knowing me for five years first, she should have known better. I still don't know.

 

I guess that, with your case, I am trying to ascertain how much of what you are dealing with in terms of reflecting upon the state of your marriage, is "the drinking" and how much is "the woman"--(or perhaps at this point the two are hard to separate?)

 

Will send number on nice Italian stationary, with some Acqua di Parma sprinkled on it

 

I do believe the two are hard to separate since they've always both been present. I acknowledge that onse sobriety is a daily occurrence it's possible that we'll no longer be able to relate to one another and might not even like one another. If that's the case I'm fully prepared to call an end to things and move into your basement, guest room or garage.

 

It's also possible that even if we lose the emotional connection, my wife could play along as if she still had it to avail herself of the secure future I represent. I would hope she'd be more honest than that but I have caught her in some significant untruths in the past year so again, anything could happen. How much of that was her and how much was the liquor? I guess this is a "Proceed at your own risk!" scenario. Caveat emptor!

[Elena62]

Old habits die hard, Elena. If we're feeling human beings I think we almost always miss the familiar, what was that was good, what could have been if things had been different and, perhaps, what should have been but for human foibles and weaknesses.

 

It gets better, I promise you.

 

Yes, I guess old habits do die hard

 

And I do hope it gets better. That's the key word, I think: Hope. Without it, we wouldn't take the actions we feel necessary to improve our relationships.

[OldEurope]

This is extremely interesting what you say here. And difficult to ponder, really. You are still trying to discover what the state of play is in your marriage and to uncover the truths of your relationship. Your comment on getting along once "sobriety" newly defines the household, and your anxiety about her "playing along" emotionally--possibly-- are, no doubt, immense issues. At least you are being honest--brutally so--with yourself.

 

You are still in for some so-called heavy lifting. I am hoping for a positive turn-out. Otherwise, "Que Sera, Sera" to your "Caveat Emptor", indeed...

 

And as for things Latin...No prob, you can have the small garden house, with the ivy climbing up the side and the small rose garden

 

xo

OE

[Curmudgeon]

This is extremely interesting what you say here. And difficult to ponder, really. You are still trying to discover what the state of play is in your marriage and to uncover the truths of your relationship. Your comment on getting along once "sobriety" newly defines the household, and your anxiety about her "playing along" emotionally--possibly-- are, no doubt, immense issues. At least you are being honest--brutally so--with yourself.

 

You are still in for some so-called heavy lifting. I am hoping for a positive turn-out. Otherwise, "Que Sera, Sera" to your "Caveat Emptor", indeed...

 

And as for things Latin...No prob, you can have the small garden house, with the ivy climbing up the side and the small rose garden

 

xo

OE

 

That brutal honesty, ya know. Talk about abuse!

 

I've never minded heavy lifting before but must admit to growing weary of it.

 

Does the garden house have indoor plumbing? If so, it sounds heavenly!

[LuCidiTy]

I don't miss the person who was my husband for most of 18 years and partner for most of 20 at all. (I say most because there was a separation of almost two years in there somewhere.) I find this strange...that I don't miss him in any way. I know there must have been good times, but I honestly can't remember many. At the end all I wanted him to be was gone. Maybe not missing him goes to the fact that it was my choice to finally end it all. Or maybe I became numb. Not sure.

 

Though I was only with him for about 10 months, I miss my current (well, gone now) person far, far more, and I don't believe it's just because he was the most recent...I think it goes to the depth of the connection and not so much the amount of time or experience. It probably also goes to it having not been my choice this time. I guess.