IS it ME ???

[wierdmunky]

Okay ... so I've been struggling with this for a WHILE,

 

I'm a 26yr old (girl/woman) & my parents are so controlling that they try to convince me that something is wrong with me! They keep blaming me for things that have been going wrong in our lives - exp. mom was venting about dads illness and said all the stress that I've done to them has caused this on him (and this is no small illness!).

 

I have not done anything to hurt them, nor do I want t, I still live with them, but have been taking care of everything thats mine since I was 18, and have been trying to work so I can pay my way through school because they complain about money to me. I don't ask for ANYTHING and I srsly try to help out as much as I can with my lil brother, and they STILL pretty much tell me I'm a failure.

 

Everytime I come home late from anything. I get lectured to this day! I can't reason with them because since were filipino I guess I'm not allowed to say anything back even if I'm just trying to explain my side, and when I do, it always escalates into a huge arguement about how they think "I dont give a damn!!" . They've called me, "just like a whore", & "get behind me satan" , and after that basically cover everything about what they dont like about me! I used to go drinking with friends a lot, smoke a lil but I would NEVER bring any of that home. Basically get out of the house as much as possible so I wouldn't have to deal with it but it made it worse!

 

I don't really know how to make them happy and its driving me crazy because every time they're not they complain constantly! My dad would say things like Id probably be happy if he was dead or something!! I've tried to completely avoid these things by not talking to them but i want to make things better.. any insight?

[carhill]

Insight? Yeah, it's time to move out and save your self-esteem and sanity. My god

 

Find a roommate and live on an air mattress.... that kind of toxic isn't worth any room and board.

[wierdmunky]

And thank you. I know I need to get out. I feel the need to stay and "help". But the generation gap and culture gap is so large its hard to communicate with them.

[ed-205]

I've been in bad situations where I felt the same way. I wanted to stay and help but it was just a bigger problem that I could handle by myself, and in some cases my best intentions only seemed to add fuel to the fire. Sometimes, all you can do is just get yourself out of the way and let the situation resolve itself, or come back later and pick up the pieces. I know it's a hard decision to make, but nobody's benefiting from things being the way they are.

[Ronni_W]

I don't really know how to make them happy ...i want to make things better

It doesn't sound as if there is ANYTHING that you can do to make things better or to make them happy...because these people, your parents, are just incapable of feeling happy or satisfied with anything that you (try to) do.

 

It is THEIR incapacity, inability and dysfunction, not yours. It is NOT you.

 

The things they say to you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually damaging, that is, abusive. Even though you are their daughter, you are NOT obligated to just allow yourself to be abused in that way until the both of them are dead.

 

You have a greater obligation and responsibility, and that is to yourself -- to your own Soul and mind and heart. And in order for you to properly take care of these bigger concerns, there isn't anything else that you can do but move out and start being, doing and having what you were born to be, do and have. You were not put on this earth to be unappreciated and abused in this way.

 

I am sorry for what you have been going through. We ought to be able to receive better from our parents but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. It is NOT you. You were born totally lovable and acceptable. (((hugs)))

[westernxer]

Must be some sort of cultural/generation gap. Are they first generation filipino-american?

[wierdmunky]

I've been in bad situations where I felt the same way. I wanted to stay and help but it was just a bigger problem that I could handle by myself, and in some cases my best intentions only seemed to add fuel to the fire. Sometimes, all you can do is just get yourself out of the way and let the situation resolve itself, or come back later and pick up the pieces. I know it's a hard decision to make, but nobody's benefiting from things being the way they are.

 

How are things now? if you don't mind me asking.

 

 

 

It doesn't sound as if there is ANYTHING that you can do to make things better or to make them happy...because these people, your parents, are just incapable of feeling happy or satisfied with anything that you (try to) do.

 

It is THEIR incapacity, inability and dysfunction, not yours. It is NOT you.

 

The things they say to you are mentally, emotionally and spiritually damaging, that is, abusive. Even though you are their daughter, you are NOT obligated to just allow yourself to be abused in that way until the both of them are dead.

 

You have a greater obligation and responsibility, and that is to yourself -- to your own Soul and mind and heart. And in order for you to properly take care of these bigger concerns, there isn't anything else that you can do but move out and start being, doing and having what you were born to be, do and have. You were not put on this earth to be unappreciated and abused in this way.

 

I am sorry for what you have been going through. We ought to be able to receive better from our parents but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. It is NOT you. You were born totally lovable and acceptable. (((hugs)))

 

thanks ronnie and ((returned hugs))

 

I do believe that, I also feel like leaving would be the best. I still feel that sense of I'm abandoning a problem and wonder where did they get that incapacity if we all were born to be fully loved.

 

I know I can't fix that but it makes me feel bad that I can't help, or maybe I've overlooked something. Of course I don't want anyone to feel that way and don't want these same behavior patterns to be subconsciously ingrained into me and in turn treat my own future kids that way.

[wierdmunky]

Must be some sort of cultural/generation gap. Are they first generation filipino-american?

 

Yes, they are and moved here in.. 84

[MN randomguy]

Insight? Yeah, it's time to move out and save your self-esteem and sanity. My god

 

Find a roommate and live on an air mattress.... that kind of toxic isn't worth any room and board.

 

 

+1

 

Anyone remember Loveline?

 

Adam Corolla would get some callers who felt like they needed to save everyone. It was hilarious. He'd tell 16y/o kids with messed up family situations to study hard and move far away for college.

 

Very un-Oprah-like.

[Ronni_W]

I still feel that sense of I'm abandoning a problem and wonder where did they get that incapacity if we all were born to be fully loved.

'Abandonment' applies when we ignore/avoid/run away from our rightful & appropriate responsibilities and obligations.

 

At this stage of your life, YOUR rightful and appropriate obligation and responsibility is only to yourself. (When you have a spouse and/or kids, they will become part of it, too.)

But/so...if you do NOT do anything to relieve your own pain and suffering that this situation is causing, then you are only abandoning yourself.

 

There is every difference between putting or keeping yourself in harm's way versus taking proper and necessary steps and precautions to ensure your own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual safety and well-being.

 

 

Your parents current inability to feel happy, successful and content most likely stems from their own prior experiences and how they have come to view themselves and the world around them.

We all do learn from our (good & bad) experiences ~ some people just end up with a negative outlook that clouds their entire perspective, while others (like you) recognize that there is a better way. They use a positive outlook to find bits of sunshine and to create their own 'rainbows' even when things aren't that great...instead of just seeing and focusing on the dark & threatening skies, as is your parents' tendency.

 

How your parents are now is not a reflection on you, nor is it your "fault"...you can feel bad about not having the (God-like) power to "fix" their stuff if you want to but, honestly, it's just a waste of your energy and emotions that you could put to better use trying to improve the things that actually are within your own power and control.

That is, it is futile to feel bad about stuff over which we have absolutely no control, nor will we ever get control over it.

 

Sending Healing, Strength and Courage.

[ed-205]

How are things now? if you don't mind me asking..

 

Sorry to take so long getting back to you on this.

I stayed home well into my 20s because my Mom was terminally ill, and my Dad had lost his job years before and was never able to find another decent one. I gave up my plans for college, etc, to stay with them and help them out. There wasn't so much a lot of arguments and blame as there was a lot of disfunctionality. My Dad started drinking, and my mom got worse. In the end, she died anyway, and my Dad really went off the deep end, and became little more than a barfly bum. That's when I realized that I newer accomplished anything for them except to be there to wittness their mysery. I finally moved out, and without me around to rely on, my Dad eventually straightened out, and became the respectable man I always knew he was.

 

There was a girl I was desperately in love with, but she had FZ'd me from the start. I can't even guess how many guys she slept with, or how times she partied until she passed-out and then called *me* to pick her up then next day when she got ditched in the middle of nowhere. The last time I did that for her, I told her, "friends" or not, I was done with her, and she was on her own from now on. She continued to call me for months after that, but I simply refused to talk to her, or ever see her again, even though it broke my heart to do it! The last time I heard from her was about 15 years later. She was married to a great guy, had 2 kids, and was very happy with her life (or so she told me). I realized that all I had been doing for her was providing her with a Safety Net so she could continue her self-destructive lifestyle, I was her "Enabler". Without that, she had no choice but to turn her life around.

 

There's 2 examples of several I could tell you. I can't promise that the same would happen for you, but only one of 2 things are going to happen:

 

1. They will continue with their downslide in life until they hit rock bottom, and stay there. That's their choice if that's what they want to do, but they DON'T have the right to take you with them. Don't let them!

2. They will continue with their downslide in life until they hit rock bottom, and finally decide to straighten themselves out all on their own. They WON'T do that if they have you to shoulder the burden of responsibility for them. Make them carry their own weight, and maybe they'll finally learn how to deal with it on their own.

 

Yes, it's a difficult thing to do to those you love, but it isn't called "Tough Love" because it's hard on them...

Good luck to you.

[westernxer]

Yes, they are and moved here in.. 84

 

That's a big part of it... don't you know you're not supposed to become Americanized? LOL

 

I can relate... my family's Samoan.

[wierdmunky]

That's a big part of it... don't you know you're not supposed to become Americanized? LOL

 

I can relate... my family's Samoan.

 

I should have known. It's all too real, I can't even joke lol

[westernxer]

Do you have any Filipino cousins or friends nearby to hang out with? That usually helps... commiserating. My cousins used to do this a lot, bitch about their parents (and I have A LOT of cousins in my family), and it was cathartic, especially when we became adults.

 

You're young still, so things may improve with time, as you get older and wiser. Your parents, however, are NOT going to change... their island ways are too firmly planted. When you've reconciled, they'll probably say, "We told you so." LOL

[Limin]

Hello Weirdmunky

 

What I understand is the fact that you have Asian parents, specifically Asian mom. As a person who dated a half Filipino girl, I can definitely see where you are are coming from. Besides the religious factor and everything else that made you upset at your parents, just remember that your parents are looking out for you, they may say things to hurt you, but overall they want the best for you. I can say this because I too have an Asian mom. Asian parents are not your average breed of people. If you are not a lawyer or doctor, they will get on your case non-stop. In the past my mom has made me feel bad, since the fact that my older brother is a very successful person and I not him, at least not yet. Now I do have a somewhat decent job, but my mom will constantly reminded me about how the girl that I am dating right now will leave me because of the fact that I am not successful unlike my brother. I was really hurt by those comments, and it makes me not want to go on with my relationship with her nor my girlfriend, but I have to. Parents aren't always right, if they are wrong, they are WRONG, however you do not need to put them out, let nature take care of that.

[wierdmunky]

I understand. I DO wish that they were more FUN though. I would happily ignore most of their faults if they would just relax and not think about things, enjoy the moment and just laugh. They don't do that. Or not with the immediate family at least. They act like were just things to take care of. Which is annoying because we can take care of ourselves.