What makes guys decide if a hook up is a one time or multiple time thing?

[my body is a cage]

 

The social system in college is a lot different.

 

 

Tell me about it! I'm still trying to figure out how dating works here.

 

 

I'm 28 and what I want/need is very different from I was 18. Try to keep that in the back of your mind, as it may prevent some big mistakes.

 

 

Big mistakes?? So cryptic!

 

But yeah. I'm just gonna see how it goes for now.

[Cobra_X30]

Tell me about it! I'm still trying to figure out how dating works here.

 

What kind of issues are you running into?

 

My first year I treated it like a giant buffet. It got better once I set my social circle, but you've been there long enough to have done that already.

 

Big mistakes?? So cryptic!

But yeah. I'm just gonna see how it goes for now.

 

I like being cryptic... keeps people guessing.

 

I was referencing early marriage, pregnancy... ect. I had friends that ran into stuff like that.

[my body is a cage]

weeeeelll i just saw him and it went pretty ****ing badly.

 

im actually pretty upset and im mad at myself for being so upset.

 

i saw him at a party from a distance but before i had the chance to go over to do anything my roomate ran up to him and hugged him and pressed her hips against him blah blah blah

 

that was really cool. everyone thinks shes sooo sweet and wonderful but she uses it to do this inconsiderate **** all the time.

 

i went up to them because my friends told me to and he said hi to me and i could barely say hi. then he talked to my freinds but we didnt talk at all really.

 

it was really awkward.

 

then i left.

 

ugghhh i thought i could do this without getting attached but i guess i cant. i fail.

 

i just wish i could be a normal social person. now i know theres no chance for anything and i ****ed this up, big time.

[TheFonz]

weeeeelll i just saw him and it went pretty ****ing badly.

 

im actually pretty upset and im mad at myself for being so upset.

 

i saw him at a party from a distance but before i had the chance to go over to do anything my roomate ran up to him and hugged him and pressed her hips against him blah blah blah

 

that was really cool. everyone thinks shes sooo sweet and wonderful but she uses it to do this inconsiderate **** all the time.

 

i went up to them because my friends told me to and he said hi to me and i could barely say hi. then he talked to my freinds but we didnt talk at all really.

 

it was really awkward.

 

then i left.

 

ugghhh i thought i could do this without getting attached but i guess i cant. i fail.

 

i just wish i could be a normal social person. now i know theres no chance for anything and i ****ed this up, big time.

 

 

LOL you assume a lot of *****, he probably figures you left and hooked up with some other guy. Your roommate c0ckblocked you. But I think this guy is just trying to hook up with as many different girls as possible, like most college boys. If you want a guy who will want more than just a ONS maybe go for an older guy.

[Cobra_X30]

weeeeelll i just saw him and it went pretty ****ing badly.

im actually pretty upset and im mad at myself for being so upset.

i saw him at a party from a distance but before i had the chance to go over to do anything my roomate ran up to him and hugged him and pressed her hips against him blah blah blah

that was really cool. everyone thinks shes sooo sweet and wonderful but she uses it to do this inconsiderate **** all the time.

i went up to them because my friends told me to and he said hi to me and i could barely say hi. then he talked to my freinds but we didnt talk at all really.

it was really awkward.

then i left.

ugghhh i thought i could do this without getting attached but i guess i cant. i fail.

i just wish i could be a normal social person. now i know theres no chance for anything and i ****ed this up, big time.

 

1st... yes your roomie is pretty inconsiderate. I think that is the perfect word. Have you had a talk with her? You two should have pretty good communication by now.

 

It took some time before I built that with my frosh roommate. He was probably the most attractive guy on campus... and flew through women like crazy. I was absolutely terrified to take a girl I liked anywhere near him. After a while though we got to a point where we were really cool with each other and this sort of stuff didn't happen. Funniest part was that I found out a girl he was super interested in told him she was more interested in me! Go figure.

 

Anyway... your not supposed to be able to hookup without getting attached. If you could... I'd say you had emotional issues.

 

The trick to gaining some emotional distance is this. Don't just target in on one guy. Make sure your working on three or four at a time. Try not to do the hookup thing until you have major interest signs from one of the guys. Even then... still flirt with other guys... just don't get busy with them.

 

College can be tough because the party scene is hardcore, and everybody gets bombarded with temptation. So, make sure you set expectations and boundaries when you get to that point.

 

How much experience do you have at this point with actual relationships?

 

LOL you assume a lot of *****, he probably figures you left and hooked up with some other guy. Your roommate c0ckblocked you. But I think this guy is just trying to hook up with as many different girls as possible, like most college boys. If you want a guy who will want more than just a ONS maybe go for an older guy.

 

I don't particularly think that is a good idea. There are tons of college guys that are looking for a LTR, older guys are at a different stage in life. Plus some of them just want an innocent young thing that they can run and control!

[xpaperxcutx]

weeeeelll i just saw him and it went pretty ****ing badly.

 

im actually pretty upset and im mad at myself for being so upset.

 

i saw him at a party from a distance but before i had the chance to go over to do anything my roomate ran up to him and hugged him and pressed her hips against him blah blah blah

 

that was really cool. everyone thinks shes sooo sweet and wonderful but she uses it to do this inconsiderate **** all the time.

 

i went up to them because my friends told me to and he said hi to me and i could barely say hi. then he talked to my freinds but we didnt talk at all really.

 

it was really awkward.

 

then i left.

 

ugghhh i thought i could do this without getting attached but i guess i cant. i fail.

 

i just wish i could be a normal social person. now i know theres no chance for anything and i ****ed this up, big time.

 

Are you a freshman right now? I say skip the relationship ideal and just worry about getting used to the party scene. You want to get settled first without all the emotional drama and testing out the water before you jump right into the dating pool. You want to enjoy being single before you want to submit yourself to only one person.

 

One of my dearest friends is heading off to college next year, and most of her choices has excellent party scenes. She very social and kind of a party animal, but she knows how to divide her time between having fun and partying. She's totally focused on studying but at the same time she knows when to have fun without emotional attachment.

 

My advice is to just be social but none of the emotional attachment. You still have 4 years left. Take it slowly and don't let one guy ruin it for you.

[my body is a cage]

ok long response haha:

 

Try not to do the hookup thing until you have major interest signs from one of the guys.

 

Thats what I did! I had plenty of other opportunities to hu with him but I didn't. hmph.

 

I've had two "serious" relationships in my life, both in high school. One lasted for 9 months.

 

Idk though. I'm very shy and afraid of rejection, which people usually dont realize and in turn find me intimidating. I just assume that everyone doesnt like me off the bat! Its been a problem my whole life, and Ive managed to have a normal social life anyway but in scenarios like these I tend to be HYPERparanoid and mess everything up. sometimes i act mean or disinterested to people that i like just because i assume they wont like me, and in turn they dont like me and its vicious self perpetuating cycle.

 

But anyway, yeah what that other person said about trying to hook up with as many girls as possible sounds about right. Im aware of this, and I wish this awareness could keep me from feeling attached. but no. Im a silly female with excess emotions. ahem.

 

umm... yeah my roomate is an irritating person to have as a roommate in certain regards, especially in terms of guys. i mean, we are very close, but very different people and i have a lot of different friends i am much closer with. shes just very friendly and assumes everyone likes her, and perky and loves attention and all of that. I think she may have had a thing for this guy before actually, but she gets soooo much attention from guys i thought it was my turn to indulge a little. and she does these inconsiderate things to people all the time, such as lead guys on ...

 

*side note* (for example, the other night she was going to go to bar night with some friends including this guy she has been hooking up with who clearly likes her but she doesnt like yet continues to hook up with him, then i told her i wasnt going and she was like oooh ill stay with you! and he was like are you kidding me?? and THEN these three huge football players walked up to us and were like no you guys ARE copming to bar night and i was like eh no thanks and she was like ok! and walked away with them and the guy she has been hooking up with lingered around with me and was clearly VERY upset and kept saying things like why would she do that? poor guy. i dont know if its possible a person could not realize when they do things like that...)

 

 

but yes, i am a freshman in college and i am definately going to try to focus on talking to other guys. i have a few other viable options i guess but i will refrain from hooking up with these ones.

 

ive been trying soooo hard to not hook up with random people because i find this to be pointless/ unfulfilling. it seems like most people will hook up with just about anyone and i dont understand why this is fun!

 

all of that being said, im probably going to go home tonight (i live 1.5 hours away). i called my mom last night at like 3 in the morning because i was very upset, haha, and ive had big family issues lately too, my mom is recovering from a really bad alcohol addiction and has been sober for a few days now and ten days before that which sadly is a really big accomplishment for her. she still manages to keep a really good job as a doctor and function perfectly away from home but when she comes home everyday its as if she doesnt care if our family goes to ****. last night i was just feeling really emotional, so i called her and i had a talk about how ive felt about everything that has happened with my family and how it has affected me because i feel like in the past my family has just dismissed my feelings as invalid. it felt good to open up to her, and did i mention i havent slept more than 4 hours a night since i dont know when? so i may just go home to get some sleep.

 

aaaaand, last but not least:

due to my lack of sleep and agitated mindset last night, i for some reason have a bright red rash all over my face. i didnt have time to look in the mirror before my early morning class, so i didnt realize that my face is legit BRIGHT red (looks like a sunburn) until AFTER i saw the guy in question and he waved doofily and we exchanged whats ups. UUUGUHGJDFJHLKHD grr

 

Edited April 4, 2008 by my body is a cage

[Cobra_X30]

ok long response haha:

Thats what I did! I had plenty of other opportunities to hu with him but I didn't. hmph.

I've had two "serious" relationships in my life, both in high school. One lasted for 9 months.

 

Ok, I did about the same thing. Two in HS, three in College.

 

Idk though. I'm very shy and afraid of rejection, which people usually dont realize and in turn find me intimidating. I just assume that everyone doesnt like me off the bat! Its been a problem my whole life, and Ive managed to have a normal social life anyway but in scenarios like these I tend to be HYPERparanoid and mess everything up. sometimes i act mean or disinterested to people that i like just because i assume they wont like me, and in turn they dont like me and its vicious self perpetuating cycle.

 

I used to be fairly similar. I had a really aloof FU type attitude that for some reason girls found attractive. In college I learned to get over the rejection thing. I think your going to have to do something similar. It just takes some work... because it's really just based on a silly fear.

 

But anyway, yeah what that other person said about trying to hook up with as many girls as possible sounds about right. Im aware of this, and I wish this awareness could keep me from feeling attached. but no. Im a silly female with excess emotions. ahem.

umm... yeah my roomate is an irritating person to have as a roommate in certain regards, especially in terms of guys. i mean, we are very close, but very different people and i have a lot of different friends i am much closer with. shes just very friendly and assumes everyone likes her, and perky and loves attention and all of that. I think she may have had a thing for this guy before actually, but she gets soooo much attention from guys i thought it was my turn to indulge a little. and she does these inconsiderate things to people all the time, such as lead guys on ...

 

Well, your going to have to feel the guy out. He might be just interested in women in general... or maybe your just a few girls down his list. Don't get too attached to him emotionally, but stay really friendly and flirty. Over time... he may realize that the other girls he is chasing are just dumb, and turn his attention to you. At that point if your still free, you can decide if he is a quality guy or not.

 

Believe me when I say that young guys are pretty clueless. It takes some of us a little bit of time to figure out that we don't really want to chase after the prettiest face out there.

 

In short... don't give up on the guy completely. Do you know if he has hooked up with anyone since you? If not you should put some effort into normalizing things with him before the weekend. Maybe just a phonecall to see if he wants to hang out with you and some friends later next week... ect. Just something that shows interest... but not a lot of interest.

 

*side note* (for example, the other night she was going to go to bar night with some friends including this guy she has been hooking up with who clearly likes her but she doesnt like yet continues to hook up with him, then i told her i wasnt going and she was like oooh ill stay with you! and he was like are you kidding me?? and THEN these three huge football players walked up to us and were like no you guys ARE copming to bar night and i was like eh no thanks and she was like ok! and walked away with them and the guy she has been hooking up with lingered around with me and was clearly VERY upset and kept saying things like why would she do that? poor guy. i dont know if its possible a person could not realize when they do things like that...)

but yes, i am a freshman in college and i am definately going to try to focus on talking to other guys. i have a few other viable options i guess but i will refrain from hooking up with these ones.

ive been trying soooo hard to not hook up with random people because i find this to be pointless/ unfulfilling. it seems like most people will hook up with just about anyone and i dont understand why this is fun!

 

Ok, your roommate is thoughtless and selfish, also seems to be an attention whore, and I don't trust those types very much.

 

Yeah! Usually refrain from doing the hookup thing until you have major buying signs from a guy.

 

I know a lot of the people here will tell you to just have fun... but for me... and it sounds like maybe you too, you need something more. I was always looking for some kind of emotional connection... which made things worth my time. Otherwise, getting physical with someone was just pointless. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for wanting your emotions involved! They are just stupid. If it hurts... don't do it! And don't feel like something is wrong with you.

 

all of that being said, im probably going to go home tonight (i live 1.5 hours away). i called my mom last night at like 3 in the morning because i was very upset, haha, and ive had big family issues lately too, my mom is recovering from a really bad alcohol addiction and has been sober for a few days now and ten days before that which sadly is a really big accomplishment for her. she still manages to keep a really good job as a doctor and function perfectly away from home but when she comes home everyday its as if she doesnt care if our family goes to ****. last night i was just feeling really emotional, so i called her and i had a talk about how ive felt about everything that has happened with my family and how it has affected me because i feel like in the past my family has just dismissed my feelings as invalid. it felt good to open up to her, and did i mention i havent slept more than 4 hours a night since i dont know when? so i may just go home to get some sleep.

 

Well, we should create a crappy mom section here. I know lots of us have issues in that department. Now that you don't live with her... it's best to just try and understand her as a flawed human being, love her anyway, and don't get your hopes up for change.

 

Your feelings are very valid, whether your family sees that or not.

 

aaaaand, last but not least:

due to my lack of sleep and agitated mindset last night, i for some reason have a bright red rash all over my face. i didnt have time to look in the mirror before my early morning class, so i didnt realize that my face is legit BRIGHT red (looks like a sunburn) until AFTER i saw the guy in question and he waved doofily and we exchanged whats ups. UUUGUHGJDFJHLKHD grr:rolleyes:

 

No worries. Your past the point of first impressions. He view of you will change over each interaction. Plus he is a guy, so he's only going to remember the last one!

 

Have a great weekend! Hope this helps some down the road.

[TheFonz]

 

I don't particularly think that is a good idea. There are tons of college guys that are looking for a LTR, older guys are at a different stage in life. Plus some of them just want an innocent young thing that they can run and control!

For every young college guy who wants a LTR and not to score as much as possible, there are 10 older guys that would want aLTR with a younger girl.

[my body is a cage]

So, I'm at home right now, and before I slip into a nice, looong slumber, I want to say thanks for your help!

 

I'm feeling a lot better about the situation with this guy, I think I overreacted a bit before. I'm going to do exactly what you guys are telling me to do, which is be friendly and mature, but deff not put all of my eggs in one basket/ expect anything.

 

also, ive resolved to make an effort to approach people and be friendly rather than waiting for them to come to me.

 

Driving home with my friend helped too, we had a long talk about everything thats been irking me at school and she argued that that guy is immature and I shouldnt want to get tangled up in that mess which isss... rational and true.

 

and i'm also glad to have some space from my roommate (she really rubbed me the wrong way last night, and has been for a while.) its good to spend time with my family and just, clear my mind, as planned.

 

and who knows, maybe my mind will be completely cleared after some rest