Ovulating Mistress with Mixed Emotions

[used2saynvr]

I am a single woman who has been sleeping with a married man sporadically for the past seven months. We met at work. When I saw him for the first time, I was immediately attracted to him. We eventually got to know each other and maintained a very professional relationship, but underneath, there was a mutual unspoken attraction. A few months later I found out he was in a relationship and just had a baby (via the "welcome new baby" email). Having a secret crush that lie dormant for the past few months, this news tugged at my heart in a jealous, rejection-filled way (so to speak). Can't explain why exactly, but it did. In any event I moved on in my mind, putting this silent infatuation behind me. Let me state that prior to this "affair" it had been 3.5 yrs since I had been with any man in any way (that means no kissing, no hugging, no sex, not even a date). I must also emphasize that I am a very attractive woman by society's standards (5'8, size 6, small feminine features, bright eyes, nice skin, sexy, fashionable, bright smile, ladylike, polite, friendly, and seemingly-confident, 4-yr degree). People tend to both like and admire me. Several men (married and single) at the office expressed their interest in me, to which I kindly and "obliviously" ignored (rejected). So here I am, lonely by virtue of my own "pickyness" when it came to men. But this particular man was so handsome, so kind and courteous, so manly yet sweet. We began flirting 13 months after I started working there. During this heavy suggestive flirting he mentioned his "marriage", and this took me by surprise b/c while I knew he was with someone, I did not know he was married. He assumed I knew. But this shocked me. I honestly didn't know. But, by this point, in my mind anyway, it was too late. Two days later we were making out, a week later we'd had sex for the first time. Since, he has tried to regroup and "do the right thing", and so have I (kind of). But nevertheless we keep doing it. I have never felt this way for someone in my life. Or is it that it's just been so long that I am seeing him in an unrealistic light? He's never talked badly about his wife or marriage, nor do I ever bring her up---ever. But right now, I am ovulating and strongly believe that I will be pregnant as we had unprotected (as usual) sex a few days ago and we all know the "shelf life" of sperm. The strangest part is that it was me who told him to "finish inside of me" for the first time. I wanted it. I wanted the total experience that he has been wanting, i'm sure, all this time, but avoided since I am not on birth control (and haven't been for six years). I am doing unusual things with this man in terms of my decision- making. I was always on the other side of this debate, sincerely criticizing the "other woman" in my mind. Who would have thought I would become her? If I am pregnant, should I tell him right away? With all these pregnant girlfriend/mistress scandals I am afraid that this "great guy" that I have fallen in love with may reveal a completely different side. He is the extremely handsome "good guy" everyone likes and respects. But...you never know what this kind of news can do. Part of me is excited even though I know I'll be a single mom. The other part is ashamed and nervous. I don't want to hurt anyone, not his family and not mine. But I'm human and I gave in to my desires. And...I will mostly like continue giving in if he wants to even though I know it's the dishonest thing to do. But what about me? Don't I matter? My biological clock is ticking harder every year. And my heart enjoys his occasional company. Never thought I'd sound so foolish.

[LakesideDream]

Please don't do it. A child (or children) need a full time Mom and Dad. While this isn't always possible, it should be the formost goal whenever possible.

 

I was an everyday full time Dad when raising two children, believe me it was no bowl of Cherrio's. At time it was more than a full time job.

[blind_otter]

Well you might luck out and not be pregnant. Sperm live 3-5 days in the woman's body, depending on the acidity of her vagina, among other things...

 

I have no advice for you. IMO it is pretty selfish to get pregnant when you are an OW. You will destroy 4 people's lives. Yours, MM's, BS's, and the child.

 

I can lecture but I won't.

 

I certainly would not accept any amount of money to be a single mother. It's hard enough to do this thing with a partner. And I'm pregnant now, 25 weeks. I look forward to welcoming my son but I highly doubt I will ever get pregnant again. I have no idea why women idealize pregnancy so much.

[mistresswchildren]

Wow. I'm not sure what to say. I feel for you. I really do. I am a single mom of two (both result of my A with the same MM). It is not simple in the least. I realize that the situation may already be past that point. It may be too late. You may already be pregnant, but if not start using protection. Protection in ANY means. Do not get pregnant by a MM. I am slowly realizing that MM almost NEVER leave their W. A child only brings more chaos into an already chaotic situation. If he is the typical MM, he will either run away immediately, or he will act happy and continue the charade. He will start pulling away. You won't notice it at first, but it will happen. You say that you are worried about his reaction. That in itself should make you think. If you honestly believe that he will run like the wind, then he is not the man you make him out to be. My best suggestion would be to wait until you know for sure. Don't do anything until you KNOW. If you aren't pregnant, I suggest you get out of this as soon as possible. I know you love him, and your feelings are valid, but if this has taught you anything it should have taught you that maybe this guy isn't who you really think he is. You sound beautiful and intelligent. You sound like you have the world on a string. Do something better with your time. Do not waste it on a MM. They aren't worth it. I realize that every situation is different, and maybe yours is, but we all convince ourselves that we are the exception to the rule. It typically is not true. If your biological clock is ticking, I suggest you go to the sperm bank, or find an eligible bachelor. There is no reason to go the MM route. They are not capable of giving to the OW, so why would they be capable of giving to a child? Please, keep yourself safe and happy. Stray away from this guy. Make your life on your own terms not on his and his W's.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow, just wow.

[used2saynvr]

thank you very much for your honest contributions. I felt the need to reach out today and talk to someone since this whole thing has been such a secret all this time. The desire for him to leave his wife is not in my heart b/c that means she will know and thus be hurt, and their family will suffer. The only way I know I could (or would ever) be with him is if SHE left HIM (not the other way around). But then I know that would be reactive (based on what we did) rather than a proactive decision on her part. Basically, I have placed myself in a no-win situation with this man (who, by the way, has never made me any hopeful, string-along promises about a possible future together). The only bright side is in all this is the possibility of motherhood...but that is also the dark side. Half of me wants to be pregnant (i've never been before, nor have I tried), and the other half is like, "what the heck are you thinking, you desperate idiot?!" I will do some more praying and soul searching.

I don't necessarily think he will run, my fear is much more dramatic than that (too much Nancy Grace and FOX News, i guess). As you say, to even imagine he has the potential to react poorly suggests (and should be an indication of) my doubt with respect to him and the man he truly is. But, then I can't really judge a person's potential b/c look at me. I never knew I had the potential to do this. But you're right. I should get away from him fast. I really do want a man of my own. But I never seem to meet a man whom I find desireable. And if by chance I do meet what I think is a nice prospect, he turns out to be "on-the-take" in some way. Maybe that's the bigger issue here. My frustration with the dating pool. The one I did find suitable and sweet and sexy (as fate would have it) was the one I shouldn't have. And who knows, maybe if we were both free to have each other we may not even want each other. The attraction probably wouldn't be enough in the long run. That's the sad irony of it all. I guess this will be a long couple of weeks for me as I wait to take a pregnancy test.

[whichwayisup]

I know you want a child, but honestly, the best outcome is for you NOT to be pregnant and then you can end your affair with him.

 

This man is married and it's unfair to try to have a child with him. He isn't yours for taking or for baby making. Yes he is not acting like a married man...But still..

 

If you want a child, why not wait to meet someone else, or go to a sperm donor?

 

While you're at it, read Gwynth's threads.

[used2saynvr]

Wow. I'm not sure what to say. I feel for you. I really do. I am a single mom of two (both result of my A with the same MM). It is not simple in the least. I realize that the situation may already be past that point. It may be too late. You may already be pregnant, but if not start using protection. Protection in ANY means. Do not get pregnant by a MM. I am slowly realizing that MM almost NEVER leave their W. A child only brings more chaos into an already chaotic situation. If he is the typical MM, he will either run away immediately, or he will act happy and continue the charade. He will start pulling away. You won't notice it at first, but it will happen. You say that you are worried about his reaction. That in itself should make you think. If you honestly believe that he will run like the wind, then he is not the man you make him out to be. My best suggestion would be to wait until you know for sure. Don't do anything until you KNOW. If you aren't pregnant, I suggest you get out of this as soon as possible. I know you love him, and your feelings are valid, but if this has taught you anything it should have taught you that maybe this guy isn't who you really think he is. You sound beautiful and intelligent. You sound like you have the world on a string. Do something better with your time. Do not waste it on a MM. They aren't worth it. I realize that every situation is different, and maybe yours is, but we all convince ourselves that we are the exception to the rule. It typically is not true. If your biological clock is ticking, I suggest you go to the sperm bank, or find an eligible bachelor. There is no reason to go the MM route. They are not capable of giving to the OW, so why would they be capable of giving to a child? Please, keep yourself safe and happy. Stray away from this guy. Make your life on your own terms not on his and his W's.

thank you so much for your words and wisdom. After reading (and re-reading) your post I am really starting to hope that I am NOT pregnant. Perhaps I did get caught up in the drama of it all, and reading what you have to say is bringing me back. My God, I hope it's not too late. Why couldn't I see this before? So dumb of me. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for time and honest reply.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The strangest part is that it was me who told him to "finish inside of me" for the first time.

 

He is going to think you deliberately tricked him, so that you could hold on to him, infiltrate his life, and spend the next 18 + years using his money to raise a child that he did not want or expect. He will probably freak out and come right out and accuse you of this.

 

If you are pregnant, you can throw all that 'love' stuff right out the window. He will likely be horrified and will do everything in his power to try to get out of this.

 

If you are pregnant, expect you and your child to be treated as 'lesser' than his own wife and child if it becomes 'out in the open'. If you agree to keep it hidden, then he will not only be having an affair with you, he'll be having an affair with his own child as well.

 

Either way, you will be bringing a child into less than desirable circumstances. If you are not pregnant, consider it a bullet dodged and start being more careful. If you must get pregnant, consider a sperm donor.

[Gwyneth]

First, welcome to LS

 

Second, welcome to my world

 

I too am pregnant with a MM's baby. Expect to be hit pretty hard around here as the world isn't yet ready to accept a child out-of-wedlock--especially a MM's child. You will be "solely" blamed for becoming pregnant. That's what has happened to me. Apparently women are the Only ones in control over pregnancy. Well, you and I can both agree that's wrong.

 

However, it seems you are purposely trying to get pregnant. Be careful, really. However #2, he is openly having unprotected sex with you--this is 50% on him as well. He is old enough and experienced enough to know he can impregnate you.

 

Grow a backbone--a strong one, because if you are pregnant, you will need that backbone, especially around here.

 

Good luck and congratulations if you are expecting

[used2saynvr]

thank you Gwyneth for your reply. I am feeling quite afraid and very guilty at this point. If I am pregnant, more and more I'm feeling like he will hate me, and so will everyone attached to him. I don't want to be hated, nor do I want my baby to be the target of any of that hate. But you're right. I was thinking about the fact that it's going to all be on me. I will be the sole culprit here as far as the people who love him are concerned. That isn't fair. But then, there was nothing ever "fair" about this affair to begin with.

[Gwyneth]

thank you Gwyneth for your reply. I am feeling quite afraid and very guilty at this point. If I am pregnant, more and more I'm feeling like he will hate me, and so will everyone attached to him. I don't want to be hated, nor do I want my baby to be the target of any of that hate. But you're right. I was thinking about the fact that it's going to all be on me. I will be the sole culprit here as far as the people who love him are concerned. That isn't fair. But then, there was nothing ever "fair" about this affair to begin with.

 

Ehh, who cares if other people hate you? And if they hate an innocent child, that just makes them a fool. He isn't going to get off free here--he was "OKay" cuming into you. What, he didn't know That could conceive a baby? I think even if you aren't ovulating there's a slight possibility of conceiving--but I'm not so sure.

 

Take a test, then worry. Until then, stop worrying yourself.

[used2saynvr]

by the way, Congratulations of your pregnancy. I wish you and your baby great blessings. If he is aware, how did your MM react to the news?

 

First, welcome to LS

 

Second, welcome to my world

 

I too am pregnant with a MM's baby.

[Gwyneth]

by the way, Congratulations of your pregnancy. I wish you and your baby great blessings. If he is aware, how did your MM react to the news?

 

First, welcome to LS

 

Second, welcome to my world

 

I too am pregnant with a MM's baby.

 

Well, it was expected, as I was ovulating as well, and the condom "came off" during sex...

 

I had some time to tell him. But first he told me his wife was pregnant. Yeah, that was just great. So then I had to tell him I was expecting as well. So I just had him over and told him. I had also written it down on a piece of paper in case the words didn't come out at all or clearly. He walked back and forth for a while with his hands to his head... It's a lot to handle, ya know? Well his wife has since lost the baby, god rest it's little soul . It's a difficult and ugly situation. But, I am taking it one day at a time. What happens happens--I believe it's all planned before we can do anything about it, you know? God has a pre-planned agenda for us all.

 

Oh, and thank you

[used2saynvr]

by the way, Congratulations of your pregnancy. I wish you and your baby great blessings. If he is aware, how did your MM react to the news?

 

 

 

Well, it was expected, as I was ovulating as well, and the condom "came off" during sex...

 

I had some time to tell him. But first he told me his wife was pregnant. Yeah, that was just great. So then I had to tell him I was expecting as well. So I just had him over and told him. I had also written it down on a piece of paper in case the words didn't come out at all or clearly. He walked back and forth for a while with his hands to his head... It's a lot to handle, ya know? Well his wife has since lost the baby, god rest it's little soul . It's a difficult and ugly situation. But, I am taking it one day at a time. What happens happens--I believe it's all planned before we can do anything about it, you know? God has a pre-planned agenda for us all.

 

Oh, and thank you

 

yeah, that's kind of how i feel. Sometimes when you can't explain your actions right off, it's b/c it's bigger than you. The universe (the moon, stars, planets, etc) has a pull on each and every one of us at different times. Things we don't understand. This is not to totally justify my actions, but, there are major influences that guide us through life, whether it's perceived as the wrong route or the right route. Your words are very encouraging to me in my current position.

P.S. I will rent that movie you suggest (Sliding Doors) as well.

[Gwyneth]

 

yeah, that's kind of how i feel. Sometimes when you can't explain your actions right off, it's b/c it's bigger than you. The universe (the moon, stars, planets, etc) has a pull on each and every one of us at different times. Things we don't understand. This is not to totally justify my actions, but, there are major influences that guide us through life, whether it's perceived as the wrong route or the right route. Your words are very encouraging to me in my current position.

P.S. I will rent that movie you suggest (Sliding Doors) as well.

 

I'm glad I can be of help

 

Definitely watch that movie. It's very good

[TheRain]

If the words get out, you could be known as the office (you know what) who sleeps with a married man.

 

Seriously now, how would you feel if some office chick did that to YOUR husband when you have a child(ren) with this man already? Don't you have any shame or guilt or is it all about you and your needs?

[Never_Again]

I think you are jumping the gun too soon.

 

It took several months of a LOT of unprotected sex all days of the month for me to become pregnant. Then again, I have/had fertility issues. Even so, it is hard for normal/healthy women to become pregnant. People try for months and even years, you know.

 

I wouldn't worry this soon. Give it a few weeks. Worry when you see "pregnant" on a pregnancy test.

[Never_Again]

 

I have no advice for you. IMO it is pretty selfish to get pregnant when you are an OW. You will destroy 4 people's lives. Yours, MM's, BS's, and the child.

 

Oh that's a little harsh, don't you think? It might change their lives drastically, but it will not destroy them. It's all a state of mind and how you deal with it.

 

My child is very healthy and happy, no destruction over here!

[Never_Again]

Wow. I'm not sure what to say. I feel for you. I really do. I am a single mom of two (both result of my A with the same MM). It is not simple in the least. I realize that the situation may already be past that point. It may be too late. You may already be pregnant, but if not start using protection. Protection in ANY means. Do not get pregnant by a MM. I am slowly realizing that MM almost NEVER leave their W. A child only brings more chaos into an already chaotic situation. If he is the typical MM, he will either run away immediately, or he will act happy and continue the charade. He will start pulling away. You won't notice it at first, but it will happen. You say that you are worried about his reaction. That in itself should make you think. If you honestly believe that he will run like the wind, then he is not the man you make him out to be. My best suggestion would be to wait until you know for sure. Don't do anything until you KNOW. If you aren't pregnant, I suggest you get out of this as soon as possible. I know you love him, and your feelings are valid, but if this has taught you anything it should have taught you that maybe this guy isn't who you really think he is. You sound beautiful and intelligent. You sound like you have the world on a string. Do something better with your time. Do not waste it on a MM. They aren't worth it. I realize that every situation is different, and maybe yours is, but we all convince ourselves that we are the exception to the rule. It typically is not true. If your biological clock is ticking, I suggest you go to the sperm bank, or find an eligible bachelor. There is no reason to go the MM route. They are not capable of giving to the OW, so why would they be capable of giving to a child? Please, keep yourself safe and happy. Stray away from this guy. Make your life on your own terms not on his and his W's.

 

Yep yep, so true!!! Very wise words!

[used2saynvr]

If the words get out, you could be known as the office (you know what) who sleeps with a married man.

 

Seriously now, how would you feel if some office chick did that to YOUR husband when you have a child(ren) with this man already? Don't you have any shame or guilt or is it all about you and your needs?

yes, i do feel bad. that is partly what drove me to seek out this site in the first place. but i let my desire for this man trump any guilt i may have owned about his wife (whom i never met ) and her feelings. and, about the office thing, this will never get out. And besides, I am no longer at that office and neither is he.

[TheRain]

Oh that's a little harsh, don't you think? It might change their lives drastically, but it will not destroy them. It's all a state of mind and how you deal with it.

 

My child is very healthy and happy, no destruction over here!

 

Sometimes, some of these OW are so delusional, it's pathetically sad.

[TheRain]

I am no longer at that office and neither is he.

 

But, yet you still meet with him and ask him to finish inside of you. Do you like yourself? Aren't you disgusted with yourself when you look into the mirror?

[mistresswchildren]

by the way, Congratulations of your pregnancy. I wish you and your baby great blessings. If he is aware, how did your MM react to the news?

 

First, welcome to LS

 

Second, welcome to my world

 

I too am pregnant with a MM's baby.

 

Gwyn and I are in similar situations, and I feel are becoming fast friends. She is right however, people do tend to jump on us around here. I realize the situation is crappy, but come on, it could have happened to ANY of the OWs on this forum. I was just going to tell you that my MM cried from happiness. He thought I was ending our relationship. He was relieved, and ecstatic. He touched the belly, he talked to the baby, he felt the baby kick. He was also all over me in a sexual sense. Don't ask me, some people are just turned on by that. He told me that he didn't think he ever wanted a child, but then I got pregnant and it was the "happiest day of my life." All of that, I soon realized, was bullsh**. Right up until after I had our son, everything was great, then he slowly pulled away. Like I said before, I didn't realize it at first, and then it hit me like a brick. Then there were those times that he must have been hard up for sex because he came back begging me for another chance. Things were good for a month or so, and then he checked out again. This happened on and off until I got pregnant with my daughter, which he again acted excited about. He bought her a pink football and stuff like that. Then one day he disappeared (read my thread "What do I do?" if you want more details). These MM do what they think a "normal" person would do, but there is one problem with that: they aren't normal. They do not have a normal thinking process. I'm not saying that all cheating MM are like this, but most are. They do what they do to keep themselves happy. The hell with anyone else. I just want to make you aware of what you may or may not be getting into. It may seem alright at first, but that is only because this man will react the way he feels he SHOULD, not the way he really wants to.

[used2saynvr]

I think you are jumping the gun too soon.

 

It took several months of a LOT of unprotected sex all days of the month for me to become pregnant. Then again, I have/had fertility issues. Even so, it is hard for normal/healthy women to become pregnant. People try for months and even years, you know.

 

I wouldn't worry this soon. Give it a few weeks. Worry when you see "pregnant" on a pregnancy test.

 

yeah, you're probably right. I'm just feeling paranoid right now. I have mittelschmerz, so I can feel the ovulatory pains in my lower abdomen/side so that's all i can concentrate on right now (and for the past two days). I will try to relax, though. Unfortunatley, it won't be with a glass of wine or anything. Maybe when/if my pregnancy test comes back negative I'll go out and by a bottle.