Ovulating Mistress with Mixed Emotions

[Never_Again]

If the BS feels this child has but a damper on her life, then she can leave her marriage. No one is putting a gun to her head telling her to stay with her distrustfull, cheating husband.

 

Exactly!!!

[bentnotbroken]

That might be a matter of opinion, but I will tell you that my child is SURROUNDED by many people who love, adore, and accept him. He is smothered with love and very healthy, happy, etc. No, he doesn't have a "daddy" right now... but he will one day. He is still too young to even understand what a daddy is.

 

I could care less if the MMs life is destroyed.

 

BS.... I'm not sure. I still think it is all a matter of how you roll with the punches. My xMMs wife takes everything in stride and doesn't seem to be destroyed.

 

I am happy. Sure it is a struggle financially. But the financial struggles do not even COMPARE to the intense amount of joy I get from my child on a daily basis. I have so much drive and determination now when it comes to my goals... which I seriously lacked before becoming pregnant. Like I said before, becoming pregnant was the best thing that could have happened to me in so many ways.

 

 

Interesting, she treats you, your child and the piece of crap she is married to better than either one of you treated her. Classy lady. You are blessed that she takes a mature approach.

[blind_otter]

Um. Ok.

 

I think that ideally all children would have two parents who love each other and support each other. But being the hardy little creatures that they are, they can adapt to anything, survive, and even thrive. Lots of people come from unfortunate backgrounds and grow up to be great people - my Dad comes to mind. Does that mean that everyone should come from those unfortunate backgrounds? Nope. No one will ever convince me of that. I myself experience some horrific traumas as a child and as a young adult and I will be DAMNED if I allow any of those things to happen to my child.

 

I think it's one thing if the OW accidentally becomes pregnant. There's no helping that, you deal with what you have to deal with in life.

 

But when an OW consciously, actively chooses to become pregnant, that is an entirely different matter.

[Gwyneth]

I used to be a photographer at a department store where many parents came in with their kids. I will say that Happy Parents make Happy kiddies.

 

Miserable parents made miserable and difficult kiddies.

 

I dealt with all different families during this short-lived job. I was about 22 as well and learned a great deal just by observing.

 

I think all these kids that are products of single-parent homes, and even the ones coming from affairs, have a fair chance at happiness if it's given to them. Having a daddy as a loser and liar doesn't mean the child will be unhappy. As long as the child is shown he or she is loved, and given plenty of admiration, then I think that's good enough. The child doesn't need to know all the dirty details of their parents' marriage / affair. But surround that child with the dirtyness of the situation will show and have impact on the child's personality.

 

That's something All parents need to think about.

[blind_otter]

A good friend of mine has a daughter and is a single parent. Her daughter is unfortunately the product of rape.

 

My friend is a good mother, she works hard and does well for herself, with the help of her mother, and is very loving and gives her daughter a lot.

 

But her daughter does ask about what happened to her father, moreso recently than before because she turned 8. And it's weird how her mom has to sidestep the issues all the time because she doesn't want her daughter to know how she was made.

[Never_Again]

 

I think it's one thing if the OW accidentally becomes pregnant. There's no helping that, you deal with what you have to deal with in life.

 

But when an OW consciously, actively chooses to become pregnant, that is an entirely different matter.

 

I never consciously chose to become pregnant. It was a complete accident and huge shocker.

 

I refuse to let things happen and my child see what I did when I was younger as well. It is not about the circumstances, but how you handle those circumstances.

[Gwyneth]

A good friend of mine has a daughter and is a single parent. Her daughter is unfortunately the product of rape.

 

My friend is a good mother, she works hard and does well for herself, with the help of her mother, and is very loving and gives her daughter a lot.

 

But her daughter does ask about what happened to her father, moreso recently than before because she turned 8. And it's weird how her mom has to sidestep the issues all the time because she doesn't want her daughter to know how she was made.

 

Well your friend's situation is an unfortunate case, and very different than creating a baby from an affair. Both parties of the affair are more than not into the affair--and equally consent to having sex. Your friend didn't have a choice--that's why it's called Raped. She chose to keep her child out of the goodness of her heart, and raise it on her own. That's hard, and I give you friend a lot of credit.

 

I think I read on here somewhere that another woman was raped and had a child from that as well. She told her child when asked where daddy is, that daddy hurt mommy and is not allowed around us.

 

Well what every mom or dad decides to tell their child about the absent parent is their choice. A parent should know what's best for their child. Some don't--like my cousin. But she's a whole nother story for a whole nother thread.

[whichwayisup]

I used to be a photographer at a department store where many parents came in with their kids. I will say that Happy Parents make Happy kiddies.

 

Miserable parents made miserable and difficult kiddies.

 

But you only saw ONE portion of their lives, and also sometimes it's difficult to photograph kids to begin with, so you really can't judge/tell what their lives are like behind closed doors and make a statement that the parents are good and happy or bad and miserable, therefore affecting the kids.

[Gwyneth]

But you only saw ONE portion of their lives, and also sometimes it's difficult to photograph kids to begin with, so you really can't judge/tell what their lives are like behind closed doors and make a statement that the parents are good and happy or bad and miserable, therefore affecting the kids.

 

Well that's your opinion, and of course I'm always wrong around here, But the parents who seemed unhappy with themselves, and had absolutely No patience whatsoever, always seemed to be the ones who had crying, uncooperative children. The parents who were smiley, happy, and affectionate, had the children who were Very cooperative, smiley, and overall very good. Those kids were in and out.

 

This is just an observation I made and discussed with my coworkers at the time. I see it in my own family too.

[blind_otter]

I never consciously chose to become pregnant. It was a complete accident and huge shocker.

 

I refuse to let things happen and my child see what I did when I was younger as well. It is not about the circumstances, but how you handle those circumstances.

 

Sigh.

 

I never said you did.

 

But the OP in this thread very certainly made a conscious decision to ask her MM to come inside of her when she was ovulating, and she also stated that she wanted to become pregnant.

[used2saynvr]

Sigh.

 

I never said you did.

 

But the OP in this thread very certainly made a conscious decision to ask her MM to come inside of her when she was ovulating, and she also stated that she wanted to become pregnant.

 

i did tell him to go ahead and finish inside of me, but, that's b/c i knew that's what he wanted to hear. We've been playing this game for quite some time. The fact that i would ovulate a day or so later did not cross my mind at that precise moment. My cycle varies b/t 28-32 days from month to month, so i never know when exactly i will ovulate (obviously 12-16 days before my next cycle...but when my next cycle would be varies) I only knew that i was ovulating b/c i got the pain in my side that i've come to know over the years. Anyway, we both knew i was not on birth control but it was a chance we both decided to take at that moment, though not necessarily on a conscious level. We basically were gambling, so caught up in the experience. Maybe part of me, though, did want this (a subconscious part that longs for motherhood). The other part of me just wanted that 100% natural experience for once. It felt good at the time. Empowering, even. But now, well....ya'll know the rest.

Edited April 3, 2008 by used2saynvr

[Owl]

Having a daddy as a loser and liar doesn't mean the child will be unhappy. As long as the child is shown he or she is loved, and given plenty of admiration, then I think that's good enough. The child doesn't need to know all the dirty details of their parents' marriage / affair. But surround that child with the dirtyness of the situation will show and have impact on the child's personality.

 

Well you're right. Having a daddy who is a loser and liar doesn't mean that the child will grow up to be unhappy.

 

But it very likely does mean that the child will grow up with Daddy's same set of skewed morals and values. The child will learn that even though Daddy's behavior isn't "right"...it IS successful. So the child may well grow up happy...but end up being the same kind of worthless pond scum that Daddy was, thanks to the wonderful examples he set for that child growing up.

 

You'd be AMAZED at how much a child truly sees about what goes on around them, and in their parent's lives. I'm the proud dad of four pretty awesome kids...all in their teens or twenties now.

 

This is all part of the reason why I recommended that you remove MM from your own situation, Gwen. Do you really want your child to grow up to become the same kind of man as MM? Your best hope to avoid that is to remove that influence from his/her life.

[LucreziaBorgia]

i did tell him to go ahead and finish inside of me, but, that's b/c i knew that's what he wanted to hear. We've been playing this game for quite some time. The fact that i would ovulate a day or so later did not cross my mind at that precise moment. My cycle varies b/t 28-32 days from month to month, so i never know when exactly i will ovulate (obviously 12-16 days before my next cycle...but when my next cycle would be varies) I only knew that i was ovulating b/c i got the pain in my side that i've come to know over the years. Anyway, we both knew i was not on birth control but it was a chance we both decided to take at that moment, though not necessarily on a conscious level. We basically were gambling, so caught up in the experience. Maybe part of me, though, did want this (a subconscious part that longs for motherhood). The other part of me just wanted that 100% natural experience for once. It felt good at the time. Empowering, even. But now, well....ya'll know the rest.

 

I really hope you are not pregnant - because none of what you say here will matter. He will be thinking one thing: she tricked me. People tend to do that when they want to seem blameless in the situation.

[Gwyneth]

Well you're right. Having a daddy who is a loser and liar doesn't mean that the child will grow up to be unhappy.

 

But it very likely does mean that the child will grow up with Daddy's same set of skewed morals and values. The child will learn that even though Daddy's behavior isn't "right"...it IS successful. So the child may well grow up happy...but end up being the same kind of worthless pond scum that Daddy was, thanks to the wonderful examples he set for that child growing up.

 

You'd be AMAZED at how much a child truly sees about what goes on around them, and in their parent's lives. I'm the proud dad of four pretty awesome kids...all in their teens or twenties now.

 

This is all part of the reason why I recommended that you remove MM from your own situation, Gwen. Do you really want your child to grow up to become the same kind of man as MM? Your best hope to avoid that is to remove that influence from his/her life.

 

Hey Owl,

 

I just noticed my name in this quote, but am not sure if it's directed to me. Anyway--there's this thing called Genes which unfortunately these bad habits are passed along genetically. That's the unfortunate part. The fortunate part is that the child can be helped to Not genetically act the same way as it's gene parent--this is done by rearring the child at an early age to do otherwise.

 

I have a couple of friends whose dad or mom weren't around when my friend was growing up, or died, or something else--yet these friends still seem to be just like that absent mom or dad. Strange how genes work...

 

However, the one parent who doesn't possess this bad gene has the ability to make sure this child doesn't grow up to be like that mom or dad.

 

I agree, children do pick up things as young ones. There is something special about a child that can read more into a situation than a full-grown adult. It's also amazing how much a child can figure out a person just by observation--something we sometimes lose as an adult--the ability to determine good and / or bad in one person.

 

Do I want my child to grow up and be a lying cheater? No--and who would want that for their offspring? I don't even think the adult him or herself wants to be that person.

 

Do I want my child to be the OP? Nope--of course not.

 

Do I want my child to be anything bad? Nope. Again, of course not.

 

We have the ability to lecture our children and teach them right from wrong at a young age, but then there is a time when you have to let go and let them do what they have to do. I don't necessarily agree that a parent of an adult is still responsible for their adult child's actions (as we have discussed in other threads), but they as the parent can Always tell their child what they think about what they're doing. It's getting the adult child to listen and accept their parent about the situation at hand. I know for myself I don't want to hear it, because I "know it all."

 

Well I don't know it all, and even though my mother hardly showed her disapproval for my situation, and I the last thing I would want to hear is a lecture from her about how messed up this is, I do know that no matter what, she loves and supports me even if I do mess up.

 

In the end, it's Very important the the baby / child / adult child knows that their parents Love them--even when they disaprove of their actions.

[Gwyneth]

Sorry for all the gramatical typos...

[Owl]

I'm not sure you took my meaning, Gwen.

 

Genes irregardless...the part you mention about rearing your children...teaching them "write from wrong"...that's the main point I'm trying to make.

 

Do you want the "daddy who is a loser and liar" to be one of the main influences in that teaching process? That's the biggest risk you're taking (on your child's behalf) by including him in your child's life.

 

THAT was my point. That's been my point all along.

 

Raise them with parents who aren't losers and liars, and you won't have to worry nearly as much about loving them in spite of their behaviors as adults.

[Gwyneth]

I'm not sure you took my meaning, Gwen.

 

Genes irregardless...the part you mention about rearing your children...teaching them "write from wrong"...that's the main point I'm trying to make.

 

Do you want the "daddy who is a loser and liar" to be one of the main influences in that teaching process? That's the biggest risk you're taking (on your child's behalf) by including him in your child's life.

 

THAT was my point. That's been my point all along.

 

Raise them with parents who aren't losers and liars, and you won't have to worry nearly as much about loving them in spite of their behaviors as adults.

 

Of course, the answer is NO, but I am still having a Very hard time deciding how to go about this. I realize this is a decision I have to make on my own and not here at LS--because we see how that goes. I'll be the main caregiver for our baby--not him. That much he and I agreed on.

 

If I had to go by having a child with a man who isn't a liar and / or a loser, I'd be having a child with a mime

 

Sorry, had to add that

[used2saynvr]

I really hope you are not pregnant - because none of what you say here will matter. He will be thinking one thing: she tricked me. People tend to do that when they want to seem blameless in the situation.

 

 

you're right.

[LucreziaBorgia]

you're right.

 

Worse yet, if he gets busted that is how he will spin the situation in order to try to get his W to see that a pregnancy is your fault and not his. A lot of MM who are backed into a corner like a trapped rat tend to act just like that: rats.

[Gwyneth]

Worse yet, if he gets busted that is how he will spin the situation in order to try to get his W to see that a pregnancy is your fault and not his. A lot of MM who are backed into a corner like a trapped rat tend to act just like that: rats.

 

But any Smart woman wouldn't buy that line...

 

And if the man Claims he wasn't into having sex, he can file Rape charges.

[datingmum]

to lighten the mood a bit, THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS thread title I've seen in a while.

 

Sorry, I know things are serious here and I'm not making any judgements/assumptions or anything. But great title.

[mental_traveller]

thank you Gwyneth for your reply. I am feeling quite afraid and very guilty at this point. If I am pregnant, more and more I'm feeling like he will hate me, and so will everyone attached to him. I don't want to be hated, nor do I want my baby to be the target of any of that hate. But you're right. I was thinking about the fact that it's going to all be on me. I will be the sole culprit here as far as the people who love him are concerned. That isn't fair. But then, there was nothing ever "fair" about this affair to begin with.

 

You are probably correct about his reaction. Take it from a guy - every married man's worst nightmare is for his bit on the side (and that is what you are - no offence intended, but that's most likely how he sees you) to get pregnant. He can hide the fact that he is having sex with you. He can't hide the fact that you would have his kid, and he would have to start paying child support and be legally named as the father. This would most likely destroy his marriage, get both of you fired and ruin your career prospects, have possibly one or both of you sued, ruin the lives of his current kid(s), everyone in the office will lose total respect for both of you, and of course it would make his wife feel suicidal.

 

An affair is bad enough in terms of harmful consequences - an affair plus pregnancy is about as bad as it can get. The mindset of people in an affair is that of someone in a fantasy world. It's all about passion, hot sex, strong feelings - real world practicalities like pregnancy, how to deal with a kid being born and having to be supported, the reaction of the wife and kids and friends and colleagues, all that goes out the window while you are bonking like rabbits. Well, it goes out of your mind, but it is very much there, as you are no doubt now realising.

 

So, I really would recommend for your own health, sanity, reputation, emotional stability, and future prospects, to go get a pregnancy test, and have an abortion immediately if you are pregnant. If your personal beliefs won't allow an abortion even after just a couple of weeks, you are kinda screwed. Good luck, you will need it. Oh, and if you turn out not to be pregnant, then thank your lucky stars that you dodged this bullet, and do not get into that situation again. Oh, and if you want to find out his reaction, all you need to do is call him and say "Hi, I think I might be pregnant". Assuming he doesn't drop dead of a heart attack, you'll then find out *exactly* how he feels about it. I would wager good money that his response is not "That's great darling!">

[mental_traveller]

This is my mistake. I'm sure you have one or two of your own. Do they define you? Do they make you disgusted with yourself? I should hope not.

 

Mistakes are things done unintentionally. You intentionally had sex with this guy, and asked him to finish inside you. That's a deliberate action, and it's therefore inaccurate to describe it as a mistake.

 

People are defined by the sum of their actions. If a person lives an exemplary life, then does something really bad like commit murder, then that defines them, you'd better believe it. I don't care how good they are in other regards, they are primarily a murderer. Knowingly having unprotected sex with a happily married man is obviously not at all comparable to something evil like murder, but it is clearly not a good thing either. You are knowingly partaking in an action which will cause enormous emotional pain to the innocent wife, and you are risking her sexual health too. By doing that, it does not define the totality of your person, but you do become the other woman in other people's eyes, whether you like it or not. That may not be how you view yourself, just like a criminal doesn't define himself by his crime, but that is how *many* other people will define you. Most people are not tolerant, understanding, or forgiving.

 

Don't underestimate the lifelong impact this will have on your reputation. This will define you to other people for the rest of your life. I know this because there was a situation like that in my extended family - the married guy had an affair and a child was the result. Even now, with that child grown up and a successful guy in his 30s, he still has a bit of stigma - some of his relatives still won't speak to him. And his mother is still viewed by many of the family as beyond the pale. Ask yourself, is that how you want to be viewed for the next 10, 20, 30 years? Do you want to have a kid who will have to deal with that? You say one day you will be a wife - well, if you have a kid via a married man, then I guarantee you that the majority of eligible men that would otherwise be interested in you (if you were childless and had not been impregnated by a married guy) will now want to run a mile as soon as they find that out. The prospect of having some married dude coming over for visitation rights will freak out any normal man. Single mothers are not popular in the dating game, whether that is fair or not it's the truth, and single mothers whose kids were by married men will find it much harder to find a guy who wants to marry them.

 

The truth of who you are, and the image society and other people will have of you, are two very different things. I'm sure that some prostitutes have a heart of gold and are great people - but this doesn't stop society viewing them as "whores" and looking down at them regardless of their individual character. Other women also have a bad rep, whether that's fair or not, whether it's true or not, and whether you like it or not. This is something to seriously consider - you can be idealistic and headstrong now, but over the years the comments may grind you down and get on your nerves. Why willingly throw yourself at the mercy of other people's opinions?

[mental_traveller]

If the BS feels this child has but a damper on her life, then she can leave her marriage. No one is putting a gun to her head telling her to stay with her distrustfull, cheating husband.

 

And if someone chops off my legs with a chainsaw, I can call the police and get them jailed. Still doesn't alter the fact that I am now missing 2 legs. And your remedy doesn't change the fact that the wife has had her life ruined. Yes she can leave, but she has still suffered devastating betrayal, wasted years of her life.

 

In any case, the wife can leave. But what about the kids? They can't leave - what's your suggestion for them.

 

I also disagree with you about Blind Otter's reply - I didn't think it was rude at all. All she said was that it will destroy lives. Even if she was wrong (I happen to agree with her), she did not express her opinion in a rude way - no insults were hurled, there was no name-calling. It seems like you think someone expressing their opinion in a calm, balanced way is wrong, just because that opinion happens to be different to your own. Well as free men and women we *do* have the right to express our opinions - whether you like them or not. So you don't like the idea that you might have destroyed lives? Tough doo da - suck it up.

[mental_traveller]

i understand the point you are making. i think everyone is in agreement that 2 parents are better than 1, no argument there . "Destroy", however, not so sure that is a definite. It COULD, "destroy" lives. It WILL "alter" lives for sure. I think that is the difference here. What CAN happen vs. what WILL happen. This alteration of lives does not have to lead to destruction. It will produce certain discomfort, resentment, lack, etc. But there is hope for everything, is it not?

 

A wife whose husband has a kid through an affair will have her life destroyed. There is no hope whatsoever that she will be happy with that situation. It will pain her to her dying day.

 

If you don't believe me, just ask someone who has been betrayed in this way. If you don't know anyone personally in that situation, just read some of the threads on this board by betrayed spouses whose husband impregnated the other woman. There are people posting here years or even decades after the fact, and in virtually every case it is still causing hurt and suffering. I have not seen a single post by a betrayed spouse who has truly moved on and got over the affair and resulting child.