Is it wise to get involved with a girl like this?

[SunnyD]

Ok this isn't exactly about cheating because me and this girl aren't dating yet, and it is a bit long so bear with me. I'm 23, she's 21..anyways we've been friends for a long time, but there was a period where we didn't talk. Not because we had a falling out or anything, life just got in the way I guess, and she didn't live exactly close. In the last couple of months we reconnected and have grown close.

 

We haven't begun dating yet, because I'm a bit hesitant. I wanted to post this to make sure I'm not being silly about the whole situation.

 

She is a great girl, very nice and sweet, sometimes too nice which is where our problem is, or one of them.

 

First, she was raped 2 years ago by her then boyfriend. Obviously they broke up, anyways, recently I've been quite alarmed by this guy for a couple of reasons. About a month ago she tells me that she saw him and a mutual gathering of friends, and she gave him a massage. She claims nothing sexual happened, and I believe her. However, what gets me is: this guy RAPED her. I couldn't even grasp why she would wanna give this guy a massage. She also admitted it was dumb..she said she didn't have feelings for him, and just did it because she missed the feeling of what they had, she missed being loved. I didn't really know what to make of it, but she seemed sorry, etc. Said it made her realize she doesn't wanna be with him.

 

 

Then, on Easter, I didn't hear from her, I figured I'd at least get a call on Easter, but that is fine. I come to find out she had driven an ex bf to the airport at 1am. On the way there, the dude got paranoid and started talking about suicide, so she took him to the hospital or something. This made me feel uneasy as well. I know she is nice, but driving ur ex bf to the airport at 1am on a holiday? Come on now. It gets worse, I just recently found out the ex bf was the rapist! I mean, that just baffles me, why does she wanna do favors for a guy who raped her?

 

Anyways she still insists she has no feelings for him, but that she feels sorry for him because he has nobody. He is still in the hospital, I guess because of his mental health, but she has visited him 3-4 times since Easter. Another thing that got me was she said she visits him because he is alone, yet she also said she usually goes with his mom or best friend...so how alone can the dude really be?

 

All this stuff has made me afraid. I've been cheated on before, and I am very mistrusting of girls..and this just makes me worry, I know she hasn't technically done anything wrong, but her behavior is just weird.

 

So we were on the phone today and you know talking about it, and she was admitting you know the whole massage thing was really really dumb of her. She got worried because she doesn't want me to think she still likes this guy, and I pretty much told her I'm sorry but how can I not feel that way?

 

Anyways, after we talked some more, she said she had to go help her mom out for a bit..before she hung up I said "maybe we should just be friends". Now I don't want that, I guess I said it to see how she'd react. If she said "maybe that is a good idea" that would of sucked but at least I would know. However, she didn't say that..she got kinda upset, not as in mad but sad, I could tell. Then she just kinda said "well if that is what you want" and hung up. I've sent her many texts since then telling her I do not want to just be her friend, but I've gotten no response.

 

In a way her response made me happy because it showed me she does want more than friendship, yet at the same time..her behavior with this guy is weird. Now, I'm not the controlling type, I'm not going to say oh you can't see this guy, I even told her that. I did however, say that I didn't think she should see this guy anymore. Not even because of me, but because the guy doesn't deserve it. It sucks he is in a bad place, but he RAPED her! I can't get over that, and why she wants to help this guy. As I said, she is TOO nice. She did say if the roles were reversed she would be upset as well. I want to point out this girl is not slutty, obviously, but she isn't even the type to sleep around, she is still a virgin...I guess that is another thing that makes me mad, that guy took that away from her. Not because I want her to be a virgin or anything, I don't care, but that is supposed to be special, and I think it is wrong what he did to her.

 

So I'm not sure what to do, am I overreacting to this? Anyone have any thoughts on why she is acting this way? I just do not want to get involved just to get hurt again. As I said I don't wanna tell her who she can and can't see, yet deep down I don't think I'd be able to be with her if she continues to see him, I feel bad for that..but I can't help it.

Edited April 1, 2008 by SunnyD

[whichwayisup]

This girl has alot of issues and honestly - How much do you like her? Is she worth chasing? Even if you two do end up together, it sounds like you'll be a toxic match just because of your issues and hers. Put them together, well, it may lead to a broken heart (or broken hearts).

 

Re-read your post because you have alot of insight, I think the answers you are looking for will be found in your own thread.

[SunnyD]

This girl has alot of issues and honestly - How much do you like her? Is she worth chasing? Even if you two do end up together, it sounds like you'll be a toxic match just because of your issues and hers. Put them together, well, it may lead to a broken heart (or broken hearts).

 

Re-read your post because you have alot of insight, I think the answers you are looking for will be found in your own thread.

 

 

Well the thing is I do trust her, but I just don't want to end up getting hurt. I don't think she'd cheat on me, but I don't wanna be dumped for a rapist. I mean she was very open with me about what happened, told me the very next day. I'm only saying this because if we did get around this issue, I don't think I'd be constantly mistrusting..

 

I do have a lot of insight about the situation, as I have given it a lot of thought. I know how I feel about it, but sometimes what you think is right is actually wrong, or your view on a situation can be off, I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't wrong to question her.

 

Another thing is, I've texted her several times since our phone call, which was hours ago. She has not called or texted back, or even stopped by to talk..I get this sick feeling in my stomach that she is visiting the dude again. *sigh* I guess that in itself is another bad sign.

 

Can you believe this isn't the first girl I've known to act like this? An ex gf I had, while we weren't together, she met an older man online, invited him to stay with her and her family and visit, don't ask me why. The first night he tries to rape her, he eventually stopped but get this, he was suppsoed to stay from friday-monday, and on friday he tries that, yet she STILL let him stay for the rest of the weekend. I guess I'm just a magnet for shady girls..

Edited April 2, 2008 by SunnyD

[Bryanp]

This girl has way too many issues. I would seriously question about whether she was raped. Did she file a police report? She continues to hang out with this guy and gives him a back massage?......Oh please. You are very young but I will give you some advise that will help you for the rest of your life if you follow it: You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions toward this other guy speaks volumes. You are in denial. I seriously doubt most women who were raped would want to continue to hang out with their rapist.

 

I suggest that you look elsewhere for someone who you can trust and respect. She does sound very toxic for you. My guess is that when this other guy gets out of the hospital she will continue to hang out with him. I think you realize this also. I wish you luck.

[SunnyD]

This girl has way too many issues. I would seriously question about whether she was raped. Did she file a police report?

 

I asked her the same questions. She claims that her grandfather used to molest her as a kid, and her parents did nothing. She also said after she told her best friend about being raped, she told her she probably really wanted it. She claims all this kinda messed with her head, and that is why she didn't goto the police, she also said she had been with the guy for a year and just wanted him gone. I should also note I said they broke up, but it wasn't because of the rape, it happened a few weeks later. I did ask her if she was actually raped or if deep down she just regretted it. That made her upset, she insisted she was raped.

 

Anyways, I wanna believe her about the rape, but as I said I do question it. Then I get to thinking, what reason does she have to lie about it? She didn't cheat on anybody or do anything wrong, yet some people lie for no reason. The whole situation definitely just makes me feel weird.

 

She continues to hang out with this guy and gives him a back massage?......Oh please. You are very young but I will give you some advise that will help you for the rest of your life if you follow it: You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. Her actions toward this other guy speaks volumes. You are in denial. I seriously doubt most women who were raped would want to continue to hang out with their rapist.

Yeah, deep down I know this. Problem is, I've known her since I was 15, we always got along and stuff, always kind of had a thing for each other. That is why this is surprising to me because she isn't that kind of person, or so I thought.

 

Part of me thinks she is attracted to guys who treat her like crap. Almost every single guy she has told me about has treated her like crap, including kissing her best friend in front of her..and she still didn't end it at that moment.

 

I suggest that you look elsewhere for someone who you can trust and respect. She does sound very toxic for you. My guess is that when this other guy gets out of the hospital she will continue to hang out with him. I think you realize this also. I wish you luck.

Yeah, and I have STILL not heard from her. I guess I'm just gonna have to have a talk with her.

 

Another problem for me is I would of thought this is crazy behavior that no girl would do, but as I said..this isn't the first girl I've met who for some reason, allowed a rapist to stay in her house. The other girl was also a virgin, and still is, and she is not the type to let that stuff happen happen.

Edited April 2, 2008 by SunnyD

[dogtown]

You seem really level-headed. As was mentioned earlier, you're also very introspective. On top of that you write well.

 

She exhibits no qualities of a stable person. She's had some horrific things happen to her and she is far from the type of person that can handle a relationship right now.

 

That's tragic she was molested as a child (and raped). That psychologically messes with people for the rest of their lives. Do her a favor and recommend therapy. She'll most likely deny it, but you need to at least put it in her head.*Be tactful when you recommend it*

 

Please don't try and "fix her". This situation has warning signs all over it. Think with your head, not your heart in this situation.

[HenryII]

I'm sorry. I don't believe a word she says. She is embellishing at the very least.

If he raped her where is the police report. Oh, decided not to report it!

Get a grip and get a new interest.

U are way to young to be serious with anyone. Get out there and enjoy all the girls u can. When u are about 38 or so then get seious and get a recent 32 yrold devorce fro a bad marriage..

[witabix]

This girl is making you think FAR too much on this situation. Thats a bad sign IMO.

 

She clearly has a lot of issues, which is sad for her, and I feel sorry for anyone in such a messed up place.

 

You, however, are a young man and should not be dealing with this. She has to get some professional help. You need to be somewhere else my friend, this will eat you alive, one way or another, if you stick with it.

[InLimbo2]

As a woman who WAS molested by a family member as a child, and never spoke up - I can tell you unequivocally that it can seriously mess with your perceptions of things/events/people/self-image. She may have actually been raped and had these strange reactions to it and him. However, you aren't going to be able to fix this for her - nor will you be able to understand her seemingly very odd behavior - she needs professional help.

 

 

 

I asked her the same questions. She claims that her grandfather used to molest her as a kid, and her parents did nothing. She also said after she told her best friend about being raped, she told her she probably really wanted it. She claims all this kinda messed with her head, and that is why she didn't goto the police, she also said she had been with the guy for a year and just wanted him gone. I should also note I said they broke up, but it wasn't because of the rape, it happened a few weeks later. I did ask her if she was actually raped or if deep down she just regretted it. That made her upset, she insisted she was raped.

 

Anyways, I wanna believe her about the rape, but as I said I do question it. Then I get to thinking, what reason does she have to lie about it? She didn't cheat on anybody or do anything wrong, yet some people lie for no reason. The whole situation definitely just makes me feel weird.

 

Yeah, deep down I know this. Problem is, I've known her since I was 15, we always got along and stuff, always kind of had a thing for each other. That is why this is surprising to me because she isn't that kind of person, or so I thought.

 

Part of me thinks she is attracted to guys who treat her like crap. Almost every single guy she has told me about has treated her like crap, including kissing her best friend in front of her..and she still didn't end it at that moment.

 

Yeah, and I have STILL not heard from her. I guess I'm just gonna have to have a talk with her.

 

Another problem for me is I would of thought this is crazy behavior that no girl would do, but as I said..this isn't the first girl I've met who for some reason, allowed a rapist to stay in her house. The other girl was also a virgin, and still is, and she is not the type to let that stuff happen happen.