Can you tell the difference between a "genuinely good guy" and a "player"?

[FormerNiceGuy]

I have a question for all of you.

 

Can you tell the difference between a "genuinely good guy" and a "player"?

 

Obviously the main difference is that the player goes after every girl that walks his way.

 

But I wanted to ask a hypothetical question.

 

Maybe this is mostly to the women.

 

If you never saw a "player" flirting with any other girls other than you, how can you tell if he's a "genuinely good guy" or a "player"?

 

Because I feel that the "player" emulates certain characteristics that make him seem like the perfect guy.....and it's hard to tell the difference between the 2.

 

What are your thoughts?

[Pyro]

The player will put on an act to you and act in his natural ways when you are not around, so of course its going to be hard for you to see it.

[PRSun]

It depends on your level of experience vs the experience level of the player. If you're small town only seen like 10 guys including your uncle russel, then my little brother could probobly make you think he's prince charming...and lemmie tell ya the ONLY thing he does well is drive dirt bike and steal from the seven eleven. Conversely if you're a jet setting type a new your girl and you meet a wanna be from Spencer Mass. Then you'll eat him for lunch.

 

As for nice guys, we'll I'm sure they're out there but what they offer is often mirrored by players and dirt balls because they know showing you what you want to see in order to get what they want.

 

It's an interesting thing this whole mating of people. There are so many uncertanties, intangibles and strange twist waiting for you out there. You can't help but love living.

[carhill]

I can't explain it but I feel it. My sense of it is so keen a business colleague has me analyze prospective employees to weed out the bullshyters.

 

I knew my female friend's latest BF was a player within 10 minutes of meeting him. I was polite about it, but eased her into the reality over time. She sees the behaviors now (always did but her infatuation was clouding her sensibilities IMO).

 

I see it in their eyes and aura. Most I've met have dead eyes, even if they're quite animated and engaging. It's just a perception.

 

No clue about nice guys. I look at them and all I see is myself

[Star Gazer]

Obviously the main difference is that the player goes after every girl that walks his way.

 

Uh, I totally don't think that's true. A GOOD player is selective, which is what makes it more difficult to distinguish him from a good guy.

 

A player is too much, too soon, too fast. Other than that...like Carhill said, it's a "I know it when I see it" kinda thing.

[badboymike]

genuine guys tend to pursue a girl that they find interesting, while a player will let the girl know he's interested, but if she doesn't bite, he'll walk away.

 

There are mixes though, a genuine player for example.

 

Genuine just means that he is honest with himself. A player is neither here nor there when discussing honesty. For sure there are more dishonest players(tell lies to get into bed with a girl) than honest ones, but that is sort of beside the point.

 

Also, 'players' are more aloof.

 

Girls ask me sometimes "are you a player?" and what can I say? Usually I just respond with a joke or silly comment.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree that a good player is sometimes difficult to distinguish, from men who have hearts and souls. If you aren't able to distinguish right away, time always tells. No one can keep up an act forever. Also, look to words and actions being equal and equivalent.

[sally4sara]

Yes you can tell the difference between them, but unfortunately, only after you've had the misfortune of some dealings with a couple of them. Once you have been run over by one or two, you can see them coming a mile away.

[Nevermind]

I fully agree with Trialbyfire. Time will tell, everbody can be fooled at first, but after a while the player will tire or give up his act, whereas the good guy stays the same.

[DanielMadr]

Fundamental difference is:

 

Player tries to bed women he doesnt really love. And has plenty of experince thats why he is so good at it. Mainly because girls want to believe him.

 

Any WANNABE Player is easy to spot, because he slips pretty easy. Why? Besause he is weak in the core and his motivation is Ego boost. Pinch his ego and he will slip.

 

Real player is just bedding women for the fun of it. And he is that good in that because HE DOESNT CARE if the girl will surrender or not. He is not ego ridden, he is fun ridden.

 

So, Player is just that bold Genuinely Good Guy who is NOT in LOVE right now. And thats another thing which makes him so favourite - Girls hope that they can make him fall in love with them.

 

My problem - Im not Player (no time or guts for it) and Im not wannabe Player (). Im Genuinely Good Guy with a manners, looks and mentality (minus the fun and ego) of a Player which makes me some Unspecific Creature not wanted by anybody, booohooo. At least Im cold hearted so I dont mind.

[BareGoddess]

It's been a long time since I've dated but I'll throw my tw cents in here. First of all, you can't always go by the fact that they're into you right away. That's not a sign necessarily.

 

I went by different things. Did he look at other women when he was on a date with me? Did he flirt with the waitress? What was his past history with women like? You can pick up on a lot of things from that.

 

Does he talk mostly about himself? What kinds of hobbies is he into? I know that one sounds strange but can be a clue if you think about it.

 

Is he a "locker room" type of boy..you know the kind, don't you?

 

So many things give it away. And they can't hide it. Oh, here's another one. Do they call you "pet names" too early? Like "darlin', sweetie" etc.

 

If I think of any others Ill come back but that's all I remember for now.

 

OH, one more. Look at their car. Certain cars always were a dead give-away for me and an instant turn-off.

 

Also, sometimes if they wear jewelry or polish their nails

 

Wow, I'd forgotten about all the stuff I had to look out for!

[dreamergrl]

I can only speak for the "players" I've encountered. They were all talk and no action.

 

A few where very flirty with just about any girl they deemed good looking.

And..

A few weren't.. Like someone mentioned .. more selective.

 

But I saw a common trait - being they had an ego, and talked their selves up like no tomorrow. Some just laid it on more then others.

 

I agree there is that instinct - but for me at times it took getting to know them a bit better before realizing it.

[Chinook]

I agree that a good player is sometimes difficult to distinguish, from men who have hearts and souls. If you aren't able to distinguish right away, time always tells. No one can keep up an act forever.

I agree with this completely. I more or less know right away whether someone is a 'good guy' or a 'player'. The only problem is, it's just a feeling... and I'm not one who is given to acting on feelings... so I tend to kick back and watch what happens and wait for the mistakes and as TBF says, sooner or later... it comes. Took 8 months with my last BF. But the mask slipped eventually. Human beings can't help being themselves usually.

[BareGoddess]

I agree with this completely. I more or less know right away whether someone is a 'good guy' or a 'player'. The only problem is, it's just a feeling... and I'm not one who is given to acting on feelings... so I tend to kick back and watch what happens and wait for the mistakes and as TBF says, sooner or later... it comes. Took 8 months with my last BF. But the mask slipped eventually. Human beings can't help being themselves usually.

 

You mean PLAYAS can't help themselves. Good guys CAN.

[underpants]

This is an interesting thread.

 

I've had the experience of seeing several types of men. I used to work in some clubs and pubs.

 

They come in all flavors and use various forms of methods or a mix. (one guy I was like...hmmm, I wonder what personality he will try this week)

 

Some play aloof. The lone hero with his back to the wall. He is quiet (some may think reflective and introspective...or they just want to invite a sense of mystery about themselves)

 

Some are too much too fast (or too good to be true), while others will wait around (really, what have they got to loose? You become a minor plate...and you might think it is a form of respect.)

 

There are those slimey shiney ones that ooze gold medalions, massive cologne, and undress you with their eyes (ha, those were my favorite to observe)

 

One thing that might be a constant is that most had a very perceivable false sense of confidence about them. Of course, beer goggles and insecure personalities see what they hope to see.

 

*make friends with the bartender or waitress then ask their opinion of him. (I really don't recommend trying to find love in a bar, however). Maybe if you work there and find it with another employee. I never saw anything work out for the long term otherwise. My .02 on that.

 

The best defense is to watch and see, observe his friends and try to do it with a discerning eye. Usually, your gut will let you know. It is when that gut feeling of (something is wrong with this guy) is mistaken for premature butterflies that the objective observations become confused.

 

If you do go on some dates then conversations can tell you alot. Conversations with friends (mutual ones are the best) can tell you alot. A genuine guy (or player) will wait for intimacy.

 

Just be smart and your own person and feel out the situation before investing too much of your heart or trust.

[Adamagnet]

I see it in their eyes and aura. Most I've met have dead eyes, even if they're quite animated and engaging. It's just a perception.

 

Did you see that recent study that linked physical iris traits to personality? They correlated wavy radiating lines in the iris to an increase in empathy. Also, schizophrenics have irregular eye movements.

 

I guess the old adage that the "eyes are the window to the soul" has some truth to it.

[Chinook]

You mean PLAYAS can't help themselves. Good guys CAN.

Yep and that's exactly my point tho... a good guy will be exactly that... a player will be a good guy to begin with, then his house of cards will start to slide when maintaining the charade is too much.

[BareGoddess]

Yep and that's exactly my point tho... a good guy will be exactly that... a player will be a good guy to begin with, then his house of cards will start to slide when maintaining the charade is too much.

 

I agree. But usually, if you're super aware, you can read the signs early. They're usually cocky and they think they're smarter than you are so the signs are usually there right from the beginning.

[BareGoddess]

A genuine guy (or player) will wait for intimacy.

 

Undies, YES! So true.

[Chinook]

The best defense is to watch and see, observe his friends and try to do it with a discerning eye. Usually, your gut will let you know. It is when that gut feeling of (something is wrong with this guy) is mistaken < snip >

 

Just be smart and your own person and feel out the situation before investing too much of your heart or trust.

 

This was my last mistake. I'd always watched and waited and trusted my gut. I'm the type of person when I spot someone isn't being real, I dump their ass as soon as, it's not worth my time. A lot of my friends felt that I was 'failing' in my relationships because this was actually me setting impossibly high standards and using that as an excuse to be commitment phobic and running away (it wasn't but that's a whole area of therapy in itself... anyhoo...). So with my last relationship... on meeting my BF, I liked him instantly. Really liked him. He was chatty, funny and intelligent. I like intelligent men who I can have a discussion about anything and everything with. But even on that first meeting my gut said 'watchit'. I didn't. I chose to ignore it because I'd seen myself 'fail' so many times previously (I've dated 4 guys in the last 4 yrs). Because I ignored that gut instinct initially and told myself to 'give him a chance' I ended up being embroiled in a situation which culminated in being dumped 8 months later amidst very painful, abusive circumstances... by that time of course, I'd been convinced that the problem was me and he'd talked me into believing that what he was doing was in my head. Classic abusive behaviour and I'd missed the early signs because I dismissed my gut. That was one hard lesson and I will never make that mistake again. I don't care how unreasonable it would appear. My gut screams to me, the guy is history.

[Chinook]

I agree. But usually, if you're super aware, you can read the signs early. They're usually cocky and they think they're smarter than you are so the signs are usually there right from the beginning.

Yep, see my other post. That's exactly what happened with me.

[Rex Man]

While this sounds like a really simple question, it's actually a little deeper than it appears at first. To answer your question I'm going to make the the following assumptions:

 

1) By a player, you mean someone that either has no intention of dating you exclusively or someone that will cheat in an exclusive relationship

 

and

 

2) By 'good guys' you mean guys that are in pursuit of a healthy, romantic relationship.

 

This all sounds clear in theory, but as we all know, real life never likes to cooperate. Here are the lines in real life, there are normal guys, and there are deviants. Deviants are the crazies, guys that CANT commit, abusers, etc. We won't focus on them, because most sane women steer clear. Now on to the controverial stuff.

 

Let me be perfectly clear, the ONLY thing that seperates a 'nice guy' from a 'player' is success with women. Read that again if you must. If you don't believe me consider this; 99/100 times when a guy approaches a girl it is because of some level of sexual attraction. The same mechanisms drive the interactions, there is no difference. If they were inherently different, how do you explain the 'player' that found that ONE girl and settled down, or the 'nice guy' that slipped up? I'm not saying that the person that gets cheated on is at fault, but I'm trying to shed these imaginary groupings of nice guy and player.

 

In short, there are rarely tell-tale signs that a guy (or girl) may stray. Human nature is too complex for us to put in a box. But if I were to offer any advice it would be from Dr. Maya Angelou : When someone show's you who they are, believe them.

[Chinook]

But if I were to offer any advice it would be from Dr. Maya Angelou : When someone show's you who they are, believe them.

That is very good advice. The trick is recognising what it is they are showing you in the first place.

 

Maya Angelou is an awesome lady

[notgoodatthis]

I have a question for all of you.

 

Can you tell the difference between a "genuinely good guy" and a "player"?

 

Obviously the main difference is that the player goes after every girl that walks his way.

 

But I wanted to ask a hypothetical question.

 

Maybe this is mostly to the women.

 

If you never saw a "player" flirting with any other girls other than you, how can you tell if he's a "genuinely good guy" or a "player"?

 

Because I feel that the "player" emulates certain characteristics that make him seem like the perfect guy.....and it's hard to tell the difference between the 2.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

The best and quickest way to diffrentiate between the two is to see how confident he is when you first meet. Most genuinely good guys are a little shy and awkward when they first meet you. Players have no shame so they come across with lots of confidence but don't mistake that for arrogance.

[BareGoddess]

In short, there are rarely tell-tale signs that a guy (or girl) may stray. Human nature is too complex for us to put in a box. But if I were to offer any advice it would be from Dr. Maya Angelou : When someone show's you who they are, believe them.

 

I don't agree. Without fail, I've seen the signs very early on.

 

Love the Angelou quote, but I submit that people show you who they are, again, very early on.