Husband Not In Love Anymore!!!!!!

[milena35]

The first week of January, 2008 my husband told me that loves me to death as the mother of his kids but not in love with me anymore. I felt like a knife just ripped through my heart. We been married for 5 years, he tells me that he is sorry but I guess he was in denial because I use to tell him that we argued too much and we need to see our priest or seek counseling and he kept telling me "no" that I am crazy that every married couples argue and we never went to counseling, he now tells me that he is sorry I guess he was in denial, he though that the arguing would eventually become less but instead it never got resolved. We had so much going on when we got married that I do acknowledge that we forgot about ourselves. I was already pregnant when we got married (we planned the baby before the marriage) then a year after that we had anotehr baby, bought a home, finances, husband bad luck with jobs, got laid off twice in one year to busy with kids we forgot about going out like a date night or things that we use to do before the kids were born. Husband and I rarely saw each other, I worked day time he worked night time. Now that he has been in this job for a year he feels that he is finally succeding and that his job is number 1, himself and the boys and I am not in the picture at all. We tried counseling but I stopped that I did not see that doing anything to us, I told my husband to move out, he did, his stuff still here but he does not sleep here. I ask god every day to please heal his heart and let him realize what he is doing to us, I am in so much pain that I decided to file for divorce he will be getting served next week. He wanted a legal separation but I rather just end it. I did not see this coming I am still a little shocked but I am moving on. He tells me that he is not sure what he wants, he is afraid that later on he will say to himself what have I done. He told me that he needed a break from me so that is why I told him to not sleep here anymore and I only did that because every night he was getting home from work I wanted to talk to him about this and he did not like it at all. My husband was so crazy about me when we met and was the one pursuing me and wanted to get married, kids and family and this is what I get. I always worked even when he was laid off I was still bringing money, had two boys with him, clean, cooked as soon as I got home from work, took kids to our church, paid the bills which was so stressful also, how can he do this to me? But now I know God is in control and I just need to step back and I have for 2 months now I been just talking to him about the kids, when he is coming in the morning to take the boys to school for me I am alreayd getting in my car so we dont see each other more than 5 minutes.

 

What do you people think of my situation?

Milena

Edited April 2, 2008 by milena35

[Nomad1]

I am sorry to say this to you but it is highly likely that your husband is having an affair. That is typical speak that cheaters use. I mean, feeling in love during marriage is something that is dynamic. All kinds of emotions / feelings come and go, eg. happiness, sadness etc. There are times when you really love and appreciate being with your spouse. Other times s/he may annoy you and you may feel cross with him / her. It does not mean that you stop loving him her. Marriage is meant to be for life. However, weak and vulnerable spouses who have poor self esteem and low self-confidence tend to seek validation elsewhere. He probably thinks that whomever he is with is the one. He hasn't had to live with her, share house chores, kids' welfare etc. So of course she is a better option. In time he will realise that she is a woman and is no different to you. In fact you are probably a much better person since she is willing to sleep with a married man! Milena, I think that what you are doing is the right course of action. DIVORCE. Don't allow anyone to disrespect you. Some people are willing to tolerate infidelity if the wayward spouse changes their ways but others will not do that under any circumstances...too much hurt after the betrayal. The trust is gone! I would not talk to him about the relationship anymore. I would only talk to him about divorce and the children. Be strong! You can do it.

[carhill]

If he won't agree to MC either with a lay or clergy counselor, you really don't have many options outside of divorce. It takes two to make a marriage work.

 

Have you always had arguments, from the very beginning of your marriage/relationship? I don't mean disagreements, but rather discourse which wounds, like with personal insults and such....

 

While it is possible he's having an A, if he's been distant and argumentative for some time, he may have checked out of the M a long time ago, so, to him, it doesn't seem that way.

 

Perhaps the reality of legal papers will shake him up....I don't know...

[milena35]

Well, I would of rather be another woman, I am in the legal business and at first I got a friend of mine who is a P.I to follow my husband, he found absolutely nothing all he was finding was that he was staying at work late and coming here but now he lives in a studio with his male friend who he really did not want to move to because they live close to the worst part of that city. I had asked my husband from day one if there was someone else and he said, NOPE, its about me, my career that he is finally succeding and will not slow down for nothing and his boys. I asked him again yesterday and again he said that its not about anybody or going out there to be free its all about what I want and right now that is his JOB!!!!. I did in the beginning use to go through his cell phone and i use to see the bill, logged in his work email but as of now i found nothing, my P.I friend stopped following him because he found him just goind from work to his new apartment now. I would of rather be another person so it would just be over so I can go on. I am doing better than other people and its only been 3 months for us, he still comes in teh mornings to take our boys to school, i noticed he keeps bringing more of his stuff home becuase he tells me that at mark's place there is no room for his stuff. I feel for him, he has lost tremendous weight, he has dark bags under his eyes and looks depressed. But hey this is what he wanted so go ahead. I am a nice person and like he said its not me that problem its him with issues, I done ok for a wife, he is a very hard person to deal with and I do wish him luck. I have a great job, I am a nice outgoing bubbly person and attractive for a 38 year old, have 3 beautiful healthy kids and a home what else do I need in life. Life is too short, I have guys that are interested but I am not at this time. I am still going for counseling and that is what helped my anger go away faster than I though, I am already thinking of forgiving him. We never insulted each other or any domestic violence, when we use to argue was very quick and we would do it when kids were in bed NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR in front of them. Him and I will have a meeting tomorrow to talk about our marriage, i will basically tell him that at least I know Itried to make it work and that is what I would tell my kids when they get older.

 

Thank you for your advise.

[carhill]

Our psychologist worked with us to focus on our relationship past, to analyze our feelings at a time when there wasn't such distance, and if there was substantial honest love to recover from that time and bring as a new love into the present.

 

This process has made me much more aware of my psychology and the reality that I may have been projecting more feelings onto my wife than were actually there.

 

I'm using this as an example of how therapy can help one clarify themselves and what about the relationship is important to one. Your situation and reality is obviously different.

 

You sound like you've covered your bases and, if he's still resistant to MC, really have no reasonable choice except for D. I personally don't see the issues you've related being solved outside of MC, if the perspectives you've shared are accurate.

 

I suspect you include your attractiveness as an asset in light of the current situation, but I can say with some confidence that there will always be men interested in you that way; it's just part of being a woman When I hear this, I hear your pain....

[milena35]

Yes, I would never tell you that I am not in pain because I would be called a big LIAR!!. I was a mess the first month but then I pulled myself up and realized that I am not the problem. I am still going for counseling but he does not even know that, I know he has noticed a big difference in me but will not ask a thing about that to me. This counseling has helped me tremendously and happy to still be going. My husband had said to me 2 months ago that he might consider mc later but not right now but I am tired of asking him and waiting. Yes and it does feel good to being wanted by man constantly but that only lasts for the moment and it goes away, I am certainly not ready to see or date anybody right now. My kids are my concentration and if I will end up alone so let it be.