Cheating after 8 YEARS!

[Chrissy_Dragon]

Its been 5 months now since the worst day of my life. But since then I have gotten back up on my feet, proud of being independent and by myself, and strong. Even though it was a terrible thing that happened to me, I don't wish it never happened. It made me strong and made me learn things about myself that I never knew...

 

This is the very first time I have ever done any kind of posting like this...searching for answers.

 

I met the love of my life when I was 16, yup I was a youngin'. We did everything together, partied together, boating, family events, we were the ultimate best friends. Now we're 26 and 24...and not together anymore since 5 months ago.

 

For some background...three years ago this past Feb. I went on my very first vacation without him. I went to New Orleans with one of my girlfriends during Mardi Gras. Yea..I had a blast. But...my GF's childhood guy friend was down there working for FEMA...was head over heels for me, alocohol was involved, partying for 3 days straight, one thing lead to another and I made out with him....nothing more. It was a thrill that I never experienced and was selfish enough to take it on and not care about anybody else at home...but I knew once I got home, it was a big mistake. After coming home and seeing the love of my life...and knowing I was the first to cheat...I couldn't keep it from him. I was brutally honest and I broke his heart.

 

8 months went by and we had our rough times. We worked through it and got stronger, but it would still come up. He was still broken about it. Until one night out, a girl in the midst of the group he was with, was known as the 'slut' of the group...and was all over him that night. He took the opportunity and made out with her...doing it out of spite for what I did to him.

 

After that...we were heavenly. Honestly...we were the strongest we ever could've been....so in love....on our 7th year. The cheating was behind us and we never thought of it again. That next summer, I finished my Masters degree, and we decided to look at multi-family houses. FINALLY our next step. We get the OK on a house and start the buying process.....and it all goes downhill from there.....(this started happening last August 2007).

 

He was so distant from me. Told me he didn't really find me a sexually attractive as he used to...going out constantly...like 3-4 nights a week. Leaving me home. Turning his phone off on me. Not showing up on time to work on buying our house and working on our house. To the point where I said we needed space. He stayed with his friend for few weeks...still helped me on working on the house, but still was so different. After the space, he apologized a lot and said he's changed, that he wants to move in with me in the house so bad...so I did, I let him back in...

 

Three weeks go by living in our new house together, and it was ok. Nothing spectacular...still distant. Until one saturday night he did it again...he didn't come home until 6 in the morning. (There were times before where I didn't know where he was until 9:30am) That week after that I came to terms and said "I don't think this is working..." We talked about it that week, and then Halloween night comes. We both go out with our friends, separately...until my girlfriend pulls me aside towards the end of the night and says "I saw him kissing another girl just now..."

 

Come to find out the next day (after my insane blow out with him outside the NY clubs the night before) that he would meet up with this girl when he went out. Not every time he went out but, only when she would call him and it was going on for almost 3 months. All they did was kiss while they were out, but it was nothing more. He thought he fell in love with her...but now knows it was just lust.

 

I kicked him out of the house and have been living there by myself ever since. He's been crawling back like crazy, has had many hysterical nights knocking on my window, but he's still seeing 'her'. Only because I won't take him back.

 

He claims he's only 'using' her to keep himself sane. To keep his mind off of what happened. He says he doesn't love her...and can never see her as his GF, but she helps him with his low self esteem.

 

The main reason for the cheating, he's explained, is that he got attention from someone that he never got from me. He felt sexually attractive, which he never got from me either...and I agree...I lacked in that area. And that once the house started becoming reality, that he panicked and rebelled. A lot of responsibility in so little time.

 

As of now, I've been seeing someone else...and they are my clone. They have every trait that I've always wanted my ex to have. I see myself going far with this person....but I cannot get my ex out of my head. We we're together for so long and never broke up until now. NEVER broke up. We were two peas in a pod, other people in relationships looked up to us. I honestly believed he was my soulmate....is this something that I can forgive? Is it worth the risk to try it again in the future? I'm sooo scared I'll get hurt again...but my biggest fear is that I'll never love someone else as much as I love him...:(

[Chinook]

my biggest fear is that I'll never love someone else as much as I love him...:(

Chrissy, it's encouraging that you can think about you and you can think that you CAN love again. For the record, no I don't think you will ever love someone like you loved him. But let me tell you something, love is not something you can quantify. It's a feeling, an emotion. For all the poetry and art in the world there has never been anything which has captured it's essence accurately. For that reason, a new love will not be more... it will simply be different. What you're questioning yourself with is whether you'll be able to lay yourself wide for another person to that same level again and I'd like to tell you that yes, you will. The right person will come along and you won't think about it. The key is not to be scared, give yourself time and don't make the next person pay for the hurt your ex inflicted. Be yourself, the person you were before all this.

[Cobra_X30]

So, what did you learn from all this?

[Spectre]

No offense, but your relationship seemed like it was full of shady behavior on both parts. You cheat on him, he cheats on you, he cheats again, you kick him out, then you are mad he still has a gf, then you begin to date someone else? Yeaaah good luck with that. Keep in mind you are not the only victim, as you both cheated.

 

You say you are now independent and such, but in reality you are still playing games. You are clearly still in love with your ex, yet you felt it was ok to begin dating another man, you are even wondering if in the future you can get back with your ex, which is just shady. Not shady to your ex, but shady to the guy you are with now. The poor sap is dating a chick still in love with her cheating ex, and the same chick also has a history of cheating, and is also debating getting back with said ex.

 

All I can say is good luck, because this will not end well for anybody, good luck with your "independence".

Edited April 2, 2008 by Spectre

[AAlike]

So, what did you learn from all this?

 

oh cobra, you're getting predictable...

 

the lesson is - don't fall in love with the first person you hook up with??

 

in all honesty - even though she is responsible for the breaking the seal of trust and the beginning of the demise of the relationship, which is what I think that you are hinting at, Cobra, I don't think that all of these issues would not have happened had the cheating not happened. it seems like the problems were stemming from a different source.

 

as far as moving on, yeah, it's going to be tough. First thing to do - you can't compare love in magntitude like that - now that you have some life experience under your belt, your emotions and your approach to relationships are going to be completely different. Therefore, unfortunately, that "soulmate" stuff that you were thinking is never going to happen again, because it really doesn't exist. relationships consist of good and bad, and typically the former comes first, then you deal with the latter, and after weathering both and weighing them, you decide if you want to relationship to endure. since you started at such a young age with this guy, you probably got a healthier dose of problem-free time than most, but realize that the crazed knocking on the window and the acting out of insecurity was as much a part of the first guy as the childhood boating or whatever. it is hard for adult relationships or second marriages or whatever to measure up, because you're chasing the dragon, which in this case is that feeling of puppy love that you don't get in subsequent relationships, because generally whatever ended the first one has put you on guard too much to let that happen again. kind of a strange paradox.

 

but persevere - if the new guy is really perfect for you, it should be fine. you have 8 years of memories to replace...that's tough for anyone...but if this new guy is the right one, and you learned from your mistakes on the last guy (which I'm sure you can do, you were young then, they aren't that out of the ordinary), you'll be able to replace them in no time.

[Cobra_X30]

oh cobra, you're getting predictable...

 

the lesson is - don't fall in love with the first person you hook up with??

 

in all honesty - even though she is responsible for the breaking the seal of trust and the beginning of the demise of the relationship, which is what I think that you are hinting at, Cobra, I don't think that all of these issues would not have happened had the cheating not happened. it seems like the problems were stemming from a different source.

 

There are always lessons to take away, and in this story I feel that there is more than one!

 

Yeah, she fell in love young. I don't think that's a crime. I don't think that youth means it won't work long term either, just lowers your chances.

 

I think it's best she draw her own conclusions as to what she can take away from this.

 

I don't think she at any point handed her BF a get laid free card.

 

I'd also like to quickly point out that Mr. NewGuy is more than likely a giant rebound, which isn't a super good idea at the moment. However, it does help her from going back to the ex!

[Chrissy_Dragon]

Phew...talk about harsh reply Spectre...but good response. I see your point. Trust me I know I've been playing games, and so has he. But what do you expect when you've been with the same person for almost 8 years? I know and understand that now is ME time and I can't get involved with anyone seriously. You're right on that...

 

And yes I did cheat...but the magnitude of his cheating outweighs what I've done. And for more of a background, he lost his virginity to me when he was 18 and I was the only girl he's ever been with. We never explored the single dating scene and it was all temptation when we had a opportunity in front of us (me on spring break in New Orleans and him with girls making him feel attractive, which I lacked to do).

 

My question is could this ever work again? Do you honestly believe that we could both make it work if we both really wanted it? Especially now that we've grown up and love each other so much? We're not kids anymore....

[Spectre]

Phew...talk about harsh reply Spectre...but good response. I see your point. Trust me I know I've been playing games, and so has he. But what do you expect when you've been with the same person for almost 8 years? I know and understand that now is ME time and I can't get involved with anyone seriously. You're right on that...

 

I'm not talking about you playing games with your ex, but with this new guy. Yeah it sucks you had a long history with a guy and it went sour, but this new guy doesn't deserve to be with someone who is clearly still in love with her ex. You went from one bad relationship to another..

 

And yes I did cheat...but the magnitude of his cheating outweighs what I've done.

 

..why? You both cheated. You were the one to cheat first, how do you know that act in itself did not start a chain reaction? How do you know if you had never cheated, he would of never cheated? I'm not saying you are responsible for him cheating, but you did start the whole thing. Plus think about it, he did have a reason to cheat the first time, revenge, anger, etc. You had no reason, you chose to goto MARDI GRAS of all places, without your husband. Think about that for one second. That is like your husband going to the frickin playboy mansion without you, it is just a silly choice.

 

I understand obviously you can do what you want and go on vacation where you choose, but this is in the same line of thinking as girls/guys who have bf's/gf's, yet go out without them to bars getting absolutely tanked, etc. Yes, they have the right to do so, but is that really the right atmosphere to be in if you don't wanna cheat?

 

And for more of a background, he lost his virginity to me when he was 18 and I was the only girl he's ever been with. We never explored the single dating scene and it was all temptation when we had a opportunity in front of us (me on spring break in New Orleans and him with girls making him feel attractive, which I lacked to do).

 

Eh, I don't agree with this, and let me explain. So many times you see girls/guys break up with their s/o to go "live life" and "explore their options". I say the same thing, you wanna live? Go bungee jumping, rock climbing, sky diving. Living life does not equate to sleeping with multiple people, just to do it. If you truly love someone, you should want to live life with THEM.

 

My question is could this ever work again? Do you honestly believe that we could both make it work if we both really wanted it? Especially now that we've grown up and love each other so much? We're not kids anymore....

 

No offense, but once again, how much have you both truly grown up? You love him, he still loves you..and yet..you are both with other people. You are playing games with other people just to get over each other. I'm not saying you are as mature as you were at 16, but it seems you both can't really stand to be alone.

 

Which is fine, you wanna date around..do it, but it isn't truly fair to whoever you both date when you both are interested in someone else. There is no worse feeling in the world than to find out your gf/bf still loves someone else.

 

As for the question on can it work? In my honest opinion? No, sorry. You might be able to get back together, but the cheating never goes away. Why should your ex settle for a girl who cheated on him, and why should you settle for a guy who cheated on you? Why should you both have a tainted relationship just because there is history?

 

People need to truly think about the choices they make during their relationship. Again to bring up Mardi Gras, you and I both know what Mardi Gras is famous and known for. You had to of known the booze would be flowing, and even if your friend did not bring a guy friend with, you had to of known other guys would be there. Do you honestly believe Mardi Gras is the right atmosphere for a married woman to be in without her husband?

Edited April 3, 2008 by Spectre