4 yrs and at a loss... going crazy!!

[bamagrl75]

Hi everyone...

 

I'm new here and not even sure how to completely use this site... so any tips on that subject would be greatly appreciated also!!

 

Here's the deal... Hope you have a minute or two or three!!!

 

I have been with the same man for almost 4 yrs (April 24th ). He lives in Georgia and I live in Alabama. We are only about 1 1/2 hrs from eachother so it's not too much and it's definitely worth the drive!! However, the distance between us has caused some major trust issues. I am 32 and he is 31, so we aren't young kids in love, we're old ones We met through a personals site and after 2 wks of talking we went on our first date. We have been together ever since. Besides the distance, we have had some issues with the internet... him being on the personals for the first year and a half... being the main one. After me catching him chatting with other women, going through a 3 wk break up... we decided to try to make it work once again. Once we were back together it was a total change from the first year we had dated. He was suddenly more interested and a lot more jealous... I told myself it was because he was finally being faithful and he was worried I'd do to him what he had done to me. I have never really gotten over what he did to me... not completely... but I have my reasons. Because of my insecurities I have searched him out from time to time and unfortunately found him in different places. Not necessarily on personals sites, but places he didn't need to be if he wanted to be with me. Don't get me wrong... I am far from perfect... I had a myspace and though it was totally and completely devoted to him... he didn't want me on there and I didn't take it down. That caused more issues with him (this was over a year ago). When he found my profile on there he was totally ticked off and broke up with me. It didn't take long for us to reconsile, but he definitely didn't trust me at all!! I was told I had to prove to him that I was trustworthy... this I did and have done since it happened. This site is actually the first thing I have joined since myspace.

 

Now that I've typed forever... you at least have the low down on how everything comes into play Ready for the rest???

 

2 weeks ago... I was doing a search on google for MY username... which I do from time to time, just to see what all comes up. I then did a search with his username and I found his profile not only up, but also updated within the last 6 months (he started a new job with an executive position and this was updated). I completely lost it... didn't even want to hear what he had to say... as far as I was concerned... there was no excuses that could work for me. He promised and promised that the only reason he was on there was to look for me, because I had been acting strange and he was worried I was on there (I was suffering from some major PMS and hadn't talked to him for several days). Even though I knew in my heart that if that was the case, that profile would not have been UPDATED... I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we worked it out. Since then I have been very suspicious and having a hard time trying to trust him. I think for good reason... he thinks I'm insane!! The other night I got home from his house (we spend every wkend to every other wkend together) and my daughter and I were looking at pictures he had posted of his work progress on his driveway on a forum he is on. I started reading other stuff that he had posted and was completely crushed by what I found.

 

PLEASE tell me if you think this was overreacting... because I don't.

 

I saw where he had posted a pic of us, so he could show people what he looked like (it's a motorcycle forum) and found that odd to begin with, what really got me was that he called me "the girl" WTF??? 4 yrs together and I'm "the girl"... it gets better... as I read further (now wishing I had not) I found where he got in a heated discussion with some women about PMS. I do PMS and sometimes it's really bad, but I didn't think he would write about it in a forum. He never said my name, but by what he said... and it wasn't nice... it was SO talking about me. On several other post he talked about me... again I was not his GF... this time I was his "friend"... that really hurt my feelings. As I read further I saw where he had told some women on the site that he would be their escort to go to a club and go dancing with them... he did not go, but it's still the fact that he offered... again WTF??? When I found this on Monday night I was completely torn. He had also, during the same time I had broken up with him over finding him on match (2 wks ago), wrote to a guy on the forum about the guys GF and asked if she had any friends that he could set my BF up with.... it even said PLEASE!!! Now... I didn't speak to him all day yesterday because honestly I had no idea what to say. I didn't want to flip out on him and it turn into an arguement, so I waited until I had gotten myself together. As soon as I asked him... he soooooo flipped out on me! Told me that I would never trust him and that I shouldn't be snooping around. Well hell, if you're going to post stuff in a public forum... you shouldn't be pissed about someone reading it... even me. Now he is being totally and completely mean to me and telling me that I jump to conclusions and all of our arguements are stemming from me being a snooping b***h. You guys... am I wrong for feeling upset from what I read? Is it not normal to feel untrusting when you find your BF of 4 yrs on a dating site... no matter what reason they were on there for?? I'd really appreciate some advice. I'm so sad that he's being mean to me and it drives me crazy that he can't see why it hurt me so much. Please please HELP

 

I know this is very lengthy... but I couldn't cut it short without losing you in the process. Sorry... but thank you for taking the time.

[Eilonwy]

Welcome to the site.

 

Wow, I'm not sure what to say. Well... first, I don't understand what your (both of you) general issue with internet forums/sites is. What's wrong with a Myspace account (besides the awefulness of myspace, that is. )?! You shouldn't have to take that down for anybody! Unless it was only used for finding partners. I can't understand it for any other profile either, unless the purpose is really finding a partner and nothing else. But normal chatting should be allowed, with either sex! Otherwise there's really something wrong in my opinion.

 

What I do understand, however, is your reaction to what you found. And you are not overreacting at all. It's clear that must have been very painful. If he offers to accompany girls and asks to be set up with a girl... you have every right to be suspicious and upset. Did he explain his actions at all? I'm sorry to say, but from what I've read this boy is really not trustworthy.

[all4love]

Hey this is exactly what I had gone through for about a whole 'year' in my previous relationship! It was also an LDR and I had found his interest in me getting decreased..I used to write a diary that time and now I can see clearly how and why it all happened-'the break-up'.

He was losing interest in talking to me,i found his phone busy late in the night(he would make excuses and then said he was talking to this particular female friend but later on I discovered there were more girls he was talking to),I found out he was putting all his efforts in making new friends(girls) online and I hardly remember 1 day when he didnt lie at all.I mean he was becoming someone I couldnt imagine him to be.

For several months there was a cycle of 'breaking-up' with him and then 'patching-up' and then I completely lost trust.But then again it was me who was more concerened about working it out when I should have finally cut it off!!

He lied,lied and lied...even after our break-up (final one...when 'he' had dumped me), I could never accept it and tried things like NC and all but it never got any better or say it was just good temporarily.

One day after 2 weeks NC I called him up and after insisting a lot ,got to know he had made a gf and he could never get the courage to tell me or even think of letting me know.

That was when I cut him off from my life and my memories...

 

I would strongly suggest you to THROW such b***ard outta your life right now rather than wasting another year in wondering,guessing,over-analyzing,being depressed...it all affects you only and lowers one's self-esteem 'big time'.

[planna]

Take the power back girl, y are you letting him dictate to you about your feelings? trust your feelings and your gut instinct/ intuition, at the end of the day they will stil be with you no matter wat happens. if it smells like ****, tastes like **** and looks like ****.....chances are it is ****!

 

kia kaha! (stay strong!)

[bamagrl75]

Thanks so much for responding... all of you!! I really feel like a prisoner in this situation, because I have loved him so very much and very deeply. Evidently or I wouldn't still be here... right??

 

The chatting that he had done in the first year was definitely NOT friendly chatting... it was him telling girls he was single and looking and had "Just not found the right woman yet". Talk about a stab in the back!!

 

I too have went through the ups and downs of him (lately) doing the whole... I'm not sure what I want... thing. After 4 years... you should know something... right? At least what you're in the relationship for and why. It's like he says hurtful things just to get a reaction out of me and couldn't care less how it affects me. I could not ever say the hurtful things he says to me... never. I'm not one of those type people who gets a kick out of watching other people hurt. In fact... I'm more like... when I do get mad or ugly with someone... even if they deserved it... I feel bad for them... after the fact

 

I know in my heart what he did was wrong... You know, the whole telling women he'd go dancing, asking other guys to set him up, getting on a personals site and so on. It just amazes me that he blew up on me and managed to turn it into all MY fault. Anytime I am bothered by something I try to talk to him about it. He never lets me... Which just means the issue is never resolved... it only lies dormant until I hold it in for so long that I try to discuss it again. So that you guys understand what I mean... If and when I try to talk to him about anything that is negative (something he has done wrong or even just something bothering me period)... He will telling me to quit b**tching, he doesn't want to hear it, ask or tell me to leave, hang up on me or just flies off the handle and yells at me.

 

I'm not sure why I put up with all of this... I guess love really makes you do crazy things... huh

 

I haven't talked with him since yesterday (which he was a total ass), but when I did and I tried to tell him how bad it hurt me to read what HE had written... he hung up on me. We were supposed to go see Jeff Dunham (comedian) at a beautiful opera theater tonight. This was a Valentine's gift I had bought for him (but thankfully kept the tickets in my name), but when I found this out... I told him he couldn't go. WOW... talk about someone flipping out!! Not that I wanted to be mean and take it away from him (like he said), I just didn't want the night to be ruined by him being a jerk to me and my $100 + thrown down the drain. He informed me that I needed to give him the $60 I paid for his ticket, if I took my best friend instead of him, because it was HIS present. Well you guys... I'm going tonight with my best friend... we get to get all dolled up... and after reading your responses... I'm very proud of myself for sticking to what I said (I usually let him control every situation).

 

I honestly do thank you guys... girls It has made me feel so much better knowing I'm not the only one going through this. Not that I would wish this kind of pain on anyone... but it still helps to know... I'm not alone. I hope all is well with all of you and I wish you all my best in everything you do Maybe one day we can all look back at this forum and read our sad words... and smile... cause we've found the RIGHT person to appreciate us and we know that what we once hurt so bad over... ended up bringing us to the happiest place or people in our lives.

 

Love to all you and best wishes... Thank you so much!!

[all4love]

hey bamagirl if u read d posts of kitkat289,which was my old ID you'll know I had gone throught the exact same thing.

He did all the bad things,I suppressed my hurt feelings most of the time so that things do not get very ugly and when I wanted to cry,I'd still try to joke on the phone just so that he doesnt put the phone down out of boredom or something.Well that was past and Iam gladdd that I found a guy who's full of surprises and has gone through the same kind of thing in his past relationship and so we connect reallyyy well.We've been each other's emotional support during our worst phase of life and though we are afraid of things getting too serious, we really hope that we just enjoy and have fun as long as the relationship stays.I wish everyone gets such an honest,faithful,enthusiastic guy and people dont stop believing in love.

[Miad's Princess]

Hey hun I hope you enjoy your night out jeff dunham is hysterical btw hope you didn't and won't give him the $60

 

Well what can I say that guy is seriously an ass (sorry) but you deserve soo much better you seem so sweet and loving he doesn't deserve to be with you.

 

I know you love him otherwise you wouldn't have spent 4 years with him, I went through a 6 year relationship with someone who treated me like crap too when I left eventually it was the best thing I ever did even though it hurt a lot at the time. I loved him too....

 

You know everything you feel is totally justified and we have told you that too but I hope you know that if loved you and cared in any way he would never do those things in the first place or react in the way he does, it seems so cold and heartless to me. Love doesn't hurt remember that.

 

Best Wishes hun !!

[iSmiley]

wow..u should jus break up with him and never contact a person like that again. He does not even respect you and does not know how to treat a girl right! Please do yourself a favour and get away FROM him. You deserve someone better...and that is definitely not HIM.

 

Good Luck ^^

[TMichaels]

It just amazes me that he blew up on me and managed to turn it into all MY fault. ...If and when I try to talk to him about anything that is negative (something he has done wrong or even just something bothering me period)... He will telling me to quit b**tching, he doesn't want to hear it, ask or tell me to leave, hang up on me or just flies off the handle and yells at me.

 

Why does he do it? Because he's guilty and he knows it.

 

Why does he keep doing it? Because no matter how crappily he treats you, you hang in there and come back for more.

 

 

I'm not sure why I put up with all of this...

 

Don't wait until you figure it out. Drop-kick this loser's butt to the curb NOW. He's an immature, selfish, two-timing jerk. You've already wasted four years of your life on this @ss, don't spend a minute more.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Mary3]

You see for some men , one girl is not enough and when you have the internet and a computer~ 240 girls is more what some guys would like to juggle.

 

He's on multiple dating sites ( while dating you ) and has some questionable comments , blogs , posts and pictures.

 

In his world , he has free reign to talk to TONS of women. He likely gets sent sexy pics by those that are willing. He is likely talking to plenty of women on the phone , texting , emailing. He loves the attention.

 

Unless you take a hammer and destroy his computer tomorrow night then he will likely continue the dating frenzy and smorgesboard of women.

 

 

Because of what he has done * of course * you don't trust him. If you could sit in his livingroom at night and watch what he does on the computer you would trust him even LESS.

 

Let this bad boy go. He wants the masses of women.

[planna]

dont worry, no doubt there is lots of people that have and are going thru the same thing. i thought i would tell you a little story, once upon a time there was a beautiful woman with an amazing spirit that found the prince of her dreams (or so she thought) they got engaged, they had a child togethor, they went thru court to get custody of the beautiful womans oldest child and they were a happy family for a long time. then an evil magic crossed their paths and their lives were never the same again. the prince turned into an ugly man, consumed with greed and the need for drugs which overtook his desire for a family. anyway me and the children were on the receiving end of wicked mood swings that recked our lives, everything that happened was turned into my fault, a lovely man told me about a cycle that was in our relationship: its called the cartman triangle and what happens is that he will be the aggressor and you will be the victum, then you have enuf of that and turn into the aggressor and he the victum, he starts to feel sorry for himself and may even cry, then you turn into the rescuer which allows the cycle to repeat itself in the next argument and so on till you are at the point you are now. RECOGNISE THIS CYCLE then you can work to change it and the behaviour and gain your power/control back. even if you are not going out with him anymore it helps with dealing with the xs

[bamagrl75]

*****the prince turned into an ugly man, consumed with greed and the need for drugs which overtook his desire for a family. anyway me and the children were on the receiving end of wicked mood swings that recked our lives, everything that happened was turned into my fault, a lovely man told me about a cycle that was in our relationship: its called the cartman triangle and what happens is that he will be the aggressor and you will be the victum, then you have enuf of that and turn into the aggressor and he the victum, he starts to feel sorry for himself and may even cry, then you turn into the rescuer which allows the cycle to repeat itself in the next argument and so on till you are at the point you are now. RECOGNISE THIS CYCLE then you can work to change it and the behaviour and gain your power/control back. even if you are not going out with him anymore it helps with dealing with the xs

*****

 

 

I can relate to your story... somewhat. I too have had a prince and at times... he still is. When I wrote in this forum to begin with... I was filled with hurt, humiliation, rage, confusion... the list can go on. So if I misrepresented him... I do apologize. Let's call him "N" N can be and has been since I met him an extreme gentleman. He has in the last 4 years taken care of me very well. I have never needed or wanted for anything. He can be sweet, playful, serious, happy, goofy, reserved, excited, romantic and we get along perfectly when we are together. He is also extremely handsome (in my eyes) and he's intelligent. I've always thought he was "the one"... from the moment I met him. However... My biggest issue with N is that he never really listens to me. When I try to talk to him about something he'd rather not hear... he usually finds away to cut me off. The communication seems to be one sided. By the time I'm allowed to talk about what's bothering me, he doesn't want to here it and I'm just b***hing. He can be horribly mean and say very hurtful things and he never really apologizes for them.... because he always finds away to justify his actions. In other words... even if I have proof of something he has done wrong... he can manipulate the situtation into something to where I honestly believe it's my fault. If he's not in control of the situation... he is NOT a happy man. If things are running smoothly or he's in a good mood.... it is the most wonderful of times.

 

I don't understand how ONE man can be so absolutely wonderful and treat me with respect and admiration and then totally shut me out and treat me so cold and hateful. What makes a person do this? I can be a b***h, don't get me wrong... I'm no angel (lovely PMS), but aren't we supposed to be in this for the good and the bad (after 4 yrs or in some cases forever)?

 

I'm not asking for the perfect man.... just the perfect man for me. I honestly thought he was that perfect man. And even if he was to come back telling me that he'd change. Could I ever be able to trust him completely? I know I have it in me to be able to forgive (it's not like he slept with someone), but would I ever be able to forget?

 

He told me that he loved me, cared for me and my feelings... through a text tonight. I totally wasn't expecting it. It really made me feel better, but how do you take that? He then called and I talked to him for a few minutes and then I let him go. I asked why he was calling and he told me to check on me. That is very sweet.... but I think it only made things worse. I hadn't talked to him in 2 days and I was getting used to not talking to him... I just wasn't hurting so bad from not hearing his voice. Boy... I'm sounding like a really sad story... Sorry you guys... just very very confused. In some ways, I wish I could just walk away... but how do you walk away from someone that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with... I truly love this man and am completely "in" love with him... our anniversary is less that 3 weeks away... I am so bummed.

 

I wish there was a real way to build trust back... is there???

[bamagrl75]

Hey hun I hope you enjoy your night out jeff dunham is hysterical btw hope you didn't and won't give him the $60

 

Well what can I say that guy is seriously an ass (sorry) but you deserve soo much better you seem so sweet and loving he doesn't deserve to be with you.

 

I know you love him otherwise you wouldn't have spent 4 years with him, I went through a 6 year relationship with someone who treated me like crap too when I left eventually it was the best thing I ever did even though it hurt a lot at the time. I loved him too....

 

You know everything you feel is totally justified and we have told you that too but I hope you know that if loved you and cared in any way he would never do those things in the first place or react in the way he does, it seems so cold and heartless to me. Love doesn't hurt remember that.

 

Best Wishes hun !!

 

 

You're a Sweetheart... Thank you

[Mary3]

I am sorry to say this but without * trust * respect and communication you cannot have a true relationship. Those 3 MUST exist to have a functioning relationship.

 

There is no trust here. Not by you, nor by him. Neither of you seems to trust the other. I am not pointing fingers at who trusts who, I am just saying there are big trust issues here.

 

Respect . How can he respect you when you do NOT exist ? He has you as * that girl in this picture and * my friend * in that picture. He clearly is on the dating sites because he is looking. He is talking . He is PRESENTING himself as single. He is not presenting himself as in a RELATIONSHIP. Guys do that on the internet because they are fishing. Looking around. Trying to find something else...

 

Communication . There is no proper communication. If there was he would tell you that he is talking to 37 girls on 5 sites . He would tell you he asks for pictures. He would tell you that he talks to other girls because you both live in different states. He would tell you maybe 4 years is done regarding you.

 

I am not trying to hurt you here. I am saying his ACTIONS are going to hurt you far more than what I type here. I want you to be prepared that he wants something else. Maybe I am wrong and will take a slap on the wrist. But if I am wrong I apologize. If I am right then he needs to shut down all his dating sites. I don't expect him to not look at women . Men like to do that.

 

I mean DATING SITES. Why is he on them ? He has a girlfriend ? Or does he ?

[bamagrl75]

Hey hun I hope you enjoy your night out jeff dunham is hysterical btw hope you didn't and won't give him the $60

 

Well what can I say that guy is seriously an ass (sorry) but you deserve soo much better you seem so sweet and loving he doesn't deserve to be with you.

 

I know you love him otherwise you wouldn't have spent 4 years with him, I went through a 6 year relationship with someone who treated me like crap too when I left eventually it was the best thing I ever did even though it hurt a lot at the time. I loved him too....

 

You know everything you feel is totally justified and we have told you that too but I hope you know that if loved you and cared in any way he would never do those things in the first place or react in the way he does, it seems so cold and heartless to me. Love doesn't hurt remember that.

 

Best Wishes hun !!

 

 

Awwww... that really got to me

[Miad's Princess]

Awwww... that really got to me

 

I feel for you I really do. I truley know how you are feeling. The guy I was talking about is the father to my 2 children. I fell for him when I was 16 he was/is a lot older we stayed together more than 6 years after 6 months though it wasn't the same anymore slowly he became the man I didn't like.

 

Your guy sounds like mine in a way he has a split personality, mine was so loving I never wanted for anything made me feel good, but then he would just change anything could start it or nothing when I talked to him about his behaviour he made it seem like it was my fault. I made him angry I pushed his buttons he NEVER took responsibility for his actions

 

I made the mistake of loving him having 2 kids to him knowing what he was like he was abusive and not just verbally or emotionally....

 

But what made me stay was I loved him crazy but I did....I loved the guy who he was when he wasn't being nasty the other side of his personality was good.

 

And that is what made me stay hoping he would one day change we went for therapy the nice ness lasted a couple days but always went back.

 

I truley belive it's something mental having a split personality.

 

You like me stay with him because we love the nice side it makes us hold on and not want to give up.

 

There's no respect in the relationship and we are not respecting ourselves for staying. The day I left was the hardest day of my life but I had to for my own sanity...the day I left I still loved him as much as the day we started but I couldn't do it anymore.

 

That was 4 years ago and it was the best decision I could have ever made.

 

You deserve to be happy, if you are happy with the relationship stay if you are not and you don't believe it can change for the better, don't waste any more time in it. Life is too short...

Edited April 8, 2008 by Miad's Princess