why so eager to get married?

[barefoot880]

Why are so many people eager to get married and have children? I'm assuming they are perfectly aware of the huge responsibilities that come with that lifestyle choice. So why do many people feel eager to take on such unnecessary responsibilities in life?

 

I'm a single man and I'm just fresh out of a 4 year relationship. I look on the bright side of getting dumped. I have less drama and less to worry about. I hardly have any responsibilities. My life is so much easier when I am only responsible for providing for myself. These are the blessings I receive for getting dumped.

 

So why are the other men in this world so eager to take on more responsibility in their life than necessary by getting married and having kids? Is it because your girlfriend twisted your arm and/or gave you an ultimatium to marry her and have a baby with her or else?

 

Is it because you were afraid of letting her get away and the thought of living without her is unbearable that you had to make the tough decision to marry her and consequently take on unecessary responsibilities?

 

I know some posters would say that the reason I feel this way about marriage and children is because I have not met the right person. That is not true. First of all I don't believe there is just one right woman for me. I believe there are several right women that I may come in contact with during my lifetime.

 

Now if I met a woman whom I thought was good for me and I was madly in love with her then would I let her get away if she twisted my arm and gave me the ultimatium to marry her or else? I probably would let her get away because I would constantly remind myself about the enormous responsibilities I would have to take on if I did marry her.

 

So if I was ever in that situation I would be faced with 2 options. 1. Marry her and take on big stressful responsibilities. 2. Let her get away and spend the rest of my life grieveing the end of our relationship but I still get to keep my freedom to do what I want. Option 2 is the lesser of 2 evils for me.

 

I guess I just would like to understand what motivates other men to get married. I can't think of anything that would motivate me to get married even if I met the girl of my dreams.

 

When I read about other people's marriage problems I feel grateful that I don't have to worry about that since I'm single. Life is tough enough without the added stress of romantic relationship problems. When I take the relationship problems out of the equation then my other problems in life don't seem like a big deal.

[Curmudgeon]

Why are so many people eager to get married and have children?

 

Some of actually fall deeply in love with our spouses and aren't so self-absorbed that we really do wish to procreate with them. That would be those of us who are products of normal evolutionary trends and who don't fear actually having to take on some responsibility outside of ourselves.

 

Maybe some of us are just more daring and braver than others, hmmm!

 

Go figure, huh?

[lovestruck818]

Why are so many people eager to get married and have children? I'm assuming they are perfectly aware of the huge responsibilities that come with that lifestyle choice. So why do many people feel eager to take on such unnecessary responsibilities in life?

 

I'm a single man and I'm just fresh out of a 4 year relationship. I look on the bright side of getting dumped. I have less drama and less to worry about. I hardly have any responsibilities. My life is so much easier when I am only responsible for providing for myself. These are the blessings I receive for getting dumped.

 

So why are the other men in this world so eager to take on more responsibility in their life than necessary by getting married and having kids? Is it because your girlfriend twisted your arm and/or gave you an ultimatium to marry her and have a baby with her or else?

 

Is it because you were afraid of letting her get away and the thought of living without her is unbearable that you had to make the tough decision to marry her and consequently take on unecessary responsibilities?

 

I know some posters would say that the reason I feel this way about marriage and children is because I have not met the right person. That is not true. First of all I don't believe there is just one right woman for me. I believe there are several right women that I may come in contact with during my lifetime.

 

Now if I met a woman whom I thought was good for me and I was madly in love with her then would I let her get away if she twisted my arm and gave me the ultimatium to marry her or else? I probably would let her get away because I would constantly remind myself about the enormous responsibilities I would have to take on if I did marry her.

 

So if I was ever in that situation I would be faced with 2 options. 1. Marry her and take on big stressful responsibilities. 2. Let her get away and spend the rest of my life grieveing the end of our relationship but I still get to keep my freedom to do what I want. Option 2 is the lesser of 2 evils for me.

 

I guess I just would like to understand what motivates other men to get married. I can't think of anything that would motivate me to get married even if I met the girl of my dreams.

 

When I read about other people's marriage problems I feel grateful that I don't have to worry about that since I'm single. Life is tough enough without the added stress of romantic relationship problems. When I take the relationship problems out of the equation then my other problems in life don't seem like a big deal.

 

hah and you suddleny become richer when you are single...jeezus christ, my boyf costs me a fortune!

[Tanaquil]

So why are the other men in this world so eager to take on more responsibility in their life than necessary by getting married and having kids? Is it because your girlfriend twisted your arm and/or gave you an ultimatium to marry her and have a baby with her or else?

 

Ha! It took my fiance months to convince me to marry him (I have issues with change). There was most definitely no arm twisting involved. I know that my fiance was lucky enough to grow up in a family that had fun with life and who supported each other through hard times. For him, a family is the most important thing in life so he is eager to marry me and begin working towards our family. One of his goals in life is to be a great dad--I rather think he will be.

 

You obviously have your own ideas as to what marriage and relationships are like, however other people will look at things differently. From your post it sounds like all you see when looking at marriage is the work--which is important of course--but there's a lot more to it than work alone.

[a4a]

Some of actually fall deeply in love with our spouses and aren't so self-absorbed that we really do wish to procreate with them. That would be those of us who are products of normal evolutionary trends and who don't fear actually having to take on some responsibility outside of ourselves.

 

Maybe some of us are just more daring and braver than others, hmmm!

 

Go figure, huh?

 

You know I love you Curm but - being self absorbed is not the only reason people do not want to procreate.

 

Not every person wants or enjoys children. I see many self absorbed people that did choose to procreate for their own selfish reasons and the kids pay for it.

 

OP- nothing wrong with enjoying the single life. Marriage and kids are not for everyone.

[Curmudgeon]

You know I love you Curm but - being self absorbed is not the only reason people do not want to procreate.

 

Not every person wants or enjoys children. I see many self absorbed people that did choose to procreate for their own selfish reasons and the kids pay for it.

 

OP- nothing wrong with enjoying the single life. Marriage and kids are not for everyone.

 

It was the tenor of the OP's post that sounded self-absorbed to me. When he posts things such as "So why do many people feel eager to take on such unnecessary responsibilities in life?" what he's saying, in essence, is that those of us who have replicated have done something we didn't need to. It gives no credence to the fact that most of us wanted to and don't see our children merely as "unnecessary" responsibilities. Instead, we wsee value in them.

[norajane]

Some people see life as a team effort, and prefer to share it with a partner, including sharing responsibilities. When it works well, marriage "halves your sorrows and doubles your joys".

[blind_otter]

Why are so many people eager to get married and have children? I'm assuming they are perfectly aware of the huge responsibilities that come with that lifestyle choice. So why do many people feel eager to take on such unnecessary responsibilities in life?

 

Well it seems that not everyone wants the same things out of life that you do.

 

Cheers!

[j_hunt_12]

I'm not married or anything yet, but I will definitely be that stupid guy that gets married young (23-24 years old) if my current relationship lasts a year or two longer and I want to get engaged in 6 months, so I'll tell you my reasons at least:

a) I'm madly in love with her blah blah blah

b) she might not be the only one that's perfect for me but she is better or just as good as any girl I could come across.

c) I've never had any qualms with young marriage and I want kids, I want them young so they can be independent and I can be free with just my wife. I've already had fun, travelled etc.-- it's not that great, honestly. I want to be 45-50 and make a lot of money with kids already out of the way.

d) I want someone there to be with and want it to be her. Most will say it's not as good as it sounds but, at least for my parents and my girl's parents the marriages have been incredibly healthy with no regrets for 20-30 years...

 

But I would be happy too if I was single. Like I said, I've never had any qualms with getting married young. Ever since I was a kid I've kind of had that "when she comes, go for it" mindset... peace

[Woggle]

Because people are stupid.

[Pyro]

Why are so many people eager to get married and have children? I'm assuming they are perfectly aware of the huge responsibilities that come with that lifestyle choice. So why do many people feel eager to take on such unnecessary responsibilities in life?

 

Opinions vary when it comes to marriage.

 

By eager do you mean the type who you feel rush into getting married?

 

I agree that people shouldn't rush into marriage. Get to know the person before you decide to share your life with them.

Edited April 3, 2008 by Pyro

[j_hunt_12]

Ohh yeah... another big part of it is that it has been what we do for hundreds of years. The stay single til you are 30 get married five years, divorce, get married again at 40 and settle down and have a kid is actually a new development. We naturally want kids. If we were not like this, we would have population shortages like we already do in many advanced places like Japan and Western Europe.

[barefoot880]

Well it seems that not everyone wants the same things out of life that you do.

 

Cheers!

 

The purpose of my OP isn't to tell other people that it's right or wrong for them to take on the responsibilities of marriage and children. The purpose of my post was to satisfy my curiousity about why many people are so eager and looking forward to this kind of lifestyle.

 

I simply stated my opinion as to why I'm not looking forward to it. All I'm trying to do is understand the motivation behind others who choose otherwise. I'm not attempting to imply that anyone is right or wrong for the path they choose in life.

 

Having said all of that I must not be human or I'm unique because I'm part of the 3% of the population who has no desire for marriage or children.

[barefoot880]

Some of actually fall deeply in love with our spouses and aren't so self-absorbed that we really do wish to procreate with them. That would be those of us who are products of normal evolutionary trends and who don't fear actually having to take on some responsibility outside of ourselves.

 

Maybe some of us are just more daring and braver than others, hmmm!

 

Go figure, huh?

 

 

I don't consider myself self-absorbed for not wanting marriage and children. If I really wanted to be self absorbed then all I would have to do is bring children into this world and be a deadbeat father and have the court systems twist my arm with child support payments.

[j_hunt_12]

Well there is nothing wrong about making smart choices about who to marry. Many people make horrible choices when it comes to this. But just saying "I don't want responsibility" is a kind of selfish way to go about this argument or discussion, and a little childish sounding. I think that is where the comments came from. I think it is actually more resposible sometimes not to get married because the people are not ready. But anyways, I get where you are coming from and I gave my reasons.

 

Thinking logically even before I met my lady friend I always thought it would be easier once you are married... as long as it's a good girl, which is hard to tell. You can take care of each other etc., combine your incomes toward a better place to live without the hassles of a normal roomate, have a fairly constant supply of sex, wake each other up in the morning... teamwork blah blah blah... that's the ideal and when it happens (as with me and my GF's parents) you really can have a higher standard of living. The problem is many people just don't have what it takes to get that.. or they find the wrong ones... I've heard statistics that married people, on average, actually are less stressed, more healthy, have longer lives, are more financially stable and successful , and----get this---have better sex lives than singles (that one caught me by surprize too).... peace

Edited April 3, 2008 by j_hunt_12

[blind_otter]

The purpose of my OP isn't to tell other people that it's right or wrong for them to take on the responsibilities of marriage and children. The purpose of my post was to satisfy my curiousity about why many people are so eager and looking forward to this kind of lifestyle.

 

I simply stated my opinion as to why I'm not looking forward to it. All I'm trying to do is understand the motivation behind others who choose otherwise. I'm not attempting to imply that anyone is right or wrong for the path they choose in life.

 

Having said all of that I must not be human or I'm unique because I'm part of the 3% of the population who has no desire for marriage or children.

 

Perhaps I was soo succint in my reply. There are many many reasons why people choose marriage and children (or one without the other). And IMO those reasons are as varied and the individuals who are making those choices. Some want security, some are simply traditional and following their parents footsteps. Some are very much in love with their partner and see marriage as the natural evolution of their relationship.

 

So you may get a small sample of the many and varied reasons for the choice to get married and have children, on this message board. But I'm not sure if 15-20 outlooks would be nearly enough to encompass the vast panoply of worldviews that exist.

[Gunny376]

I've personally have been married what you might say twice (Married

~ 12 years, Shacked up - 6-1/2)

 

About all I got out of it was a little compaioship, ever less and less sex, headaches, heartaches, financial troubles, grief, ~ that is to say ~ I put more into it than I got out of it?

 

In my personal experience? Men bring more to the relationship, and have more to lose? What most men up being? An early retirement, a meal-ticket, the handy man, the guy that kills the spiders, and the sprem donar?

 

And, I've talked to a lot of men about this? But, it would seem that once children enter into the picture? You're second to the children, the wife, and everything else in the marriage? You're just the guy that works and pays the bills?

 

Where I work? I'm the only single guy, (alright the two college students are getting married next month) Two of them work are basically working two full time job. Another was ~ for nine years? Why? Because once he and the wife had the only child gone and grown, the mortgage retired? The wife want a newer, bigger, nicer house and with a bigger mortgage to go with it?

 

One of the college students that's 25 says he's and his GF haven't had sex in seven months? And we all know if he's not getting sex before the wedding ~ he can hang it up ~ after the marriage?

 

Most your average Joe that gets married? The start out with notihng, living in a fifteen year old single wide trailer, eating rancid cheese sandwiches everyday for lunch, driving a 74 Ford Maveriick held together with bailing wire, duct tape, and daily Prayer?

 

Marriage? Yea go for it!

[datingmum]

I haven't even finished reading the thread above, so who knows if this has been raised. You phrased your opening question "why are women so eager to get married" in such a way that it is women who have the problem...

 

Yet I just read your beginnings here on Loveshack:

 

I remember her talking to me 6 months ago about wanting more intimacy in our relationship because we never had sex. I kept telling her I was not ready to go that route.

 

and

 

It is true that I am afraid of intimacy and commitment. Is it common for these kind of fears to turn women off?

 

Now, I'm not attempting to call you out or embarrass you by bringing this to your new thread. But to me, perhaps you have some issues that really need focusing on and addressing rather than trying to understand why women want to marry?

 

It's a very serious problem that could cripple you for life. Have you sought therapy?

[datingmum]

And Gunny,

 

As far as 'ever less sex' goes...I was still dressing up, mixing it about and begging/capitulating in the need for hot sex almost every single night of my long term marriage AND relationship (and yes I had children!).

 

So just to let you know, not all ladies are of that persuasion.

 

Also, marriage does not equal a 74 maverick.

 

But I love your literary style! I'm from Louisiana

[PinkKittyKat]

It seems that you are just not into marriage/kids. I don't find it selfish if that's what's best for you. I find the idea that no man wants to get married unless his arm is twisted kind of funny though.

 

Considering just last year I got out of a LTR in which the guy was constantly pressuring me to marry him.

 

It wasn't for me. At that time, with that man, I didn't want to. I couldn't see it ever happening.

The guy I am with now, I can definitely see us being married within the next 5 years. And HE was the one who brought it up! Eagerly.

 

You may eventually find someone with whom you'd see marriage as not just work and throwing effort down a hole. But as a pleasing stable arrangement with someone you love.

 

And you might not. If marriage is not for you, then it's not for you. I don't see anything wrong with that either. I have quite a few friends who are married now. I used to get kind of wigged out when friends started getting married and squirting out progeny, but they seem happy, and I'm used to it by now.

 

I do plan on marriage, but kids are not for me. I feel the same way you do, why take on the hassle for little reward?

[datingmum]

Okay, sorry, I did not make this clear in my last post about the OPs 'intimacy' issues. HE HAD BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 4 YEARS WITH NO SEX. NONE. EVER.

[catclawtub]

I want to get married because I have a strong sense of family. The size of our family is large and we are all very close. My parents will be married for 26 years going strong this month. My grandparents have been together for nearly 50 years. I think that when you are surrounded by positive role models for marriage, you have a better image of what it means to be married. It means to be committed to the love you share and that you want to face life together as a pair.

 

Both me and my partner are excited about getting married next month. It appeals to both of our interests and he is eager to start a family in a couple of years. We don't see marriage as a blockade; We see it as the next bridge you cross in life.

 

Marriage isn't for everybody and I don't see anything wrong with not having the desire to begin with. However, making it seem like a burden to everybody else is a bit judgemental. Not everybody wants to be single and alone the rest of their lives. I can't imagine wanting to grow old alone without having someone to share my life with.

[barefoot880]

Another point is this. Most people here preach that I have to be happy with myself and be content being single before I should get into a relationship with someone else let alone marriage.

 

If I have gotten to the point in my life of being content with myself then what would be the incentive for getting married? If it's true that the reasons people get married isn't because they are trying to feel complete then what is the incentive?

 

Yes I hear posters saying that they don't need to be married in order to be happy. So why get married then? If I'm suppose to be happy living alone then why get married?

 

The truth is I have not reached a point where I'm happy being alone. That's why I pursue friendships and relationships. If it is true that everyone is suppose to be content by themselves then what incentive is there to pursue even friendships? Why bother socializing with other people?

 

If I was content with myself then I would not even bother talking to anybody. So is human companionship and/or human interaction necessary for the human soul or are we suppose to just be emotionally sufficient on our own?

[Woggle]

We already own one house without a mortgage and soon will own another so if my wife wants a bigger and better house she can pay for it. Why would two people need a huge mansion anyway?

[datingmum]

Another point is this. Most people here preach that I have to be happy with myself and be content being single before I should get into a relationship with someone else let alone marriage.

 

If I have gotten to the point in my life of being content with myself then what would be the incentive for getting married? If it's true that the reasons people get married isn't because they are trying to feel complete then what is the incentive?

 

Yes I hear posters saying that they don't need to be married in order to be happy. So why get married then? If I'm suppose to be happy living alone then why get married?

 

The truth is I have not reached a point where I'm happy being alone. That's why I pursue friendships and relationships. If it is true that everyone is suppose to be content by themselves then what incentive is there to pursue even friendships? Why bother socializing with other people?

 

If I was content with myself then I would not even bother talking to anybody. So is human companionship and/or human interaction necessary for the human soul or are we suppose to just be emotionally sufficient on our own?

 

I often wonder this myself.... all the time