cat-power Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 As a follow up to the thread "Prince Charming" , we've had amazing romances that started off really great- then the guy dissapears a couple of times ....and they come back...and back again... Only because we let them...I know, but speaking for myself...i'm 36 always been opposed to marriage....but I would (have...not any more!) married him in a second ! Our relationship started up like a romance novel, very intense....but apparantly the flame died very soon. On his part that is....while he did 5 months of chasing to get me (because I REALLY wasn't interested at first) Is this a way of getting back at me? because that is what it feels like (NC >1 month) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 As a follow up to the thread "Prince Charming" , we've had amazing romances that started off really great- then the guy dissapears a couple of times ....and they come back...and back again... Only because we let them...I know, but speaking for myself...i'm 36 always been opposed to marriage....but I would (have...not any more!) married him in a second ! Our relationship started up like a romance novel, very intense....but apparantly the flame died very soon. On his part that is....while he did 5 months of chasing to get me (because I REALLY wasn't interested at first) Is this a way of getting back at me? because that is what it feels like (NC >1 month) In taking back a flake, you only empower their flaky behaviour. Why would you want this? Is this the type of relationship that appeals? Doubt it. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Good point. A flake is a flake is a flake... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cat-power Posted April 3, 2008 Author Share Posted April 3, 2008 No...don't want him back the way he was, just want to know WHY he did what he did. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 (edited) Here are some of the reasons why flakes, flake, although it's not a conclusive list: Drama avoidance.Power play.Selfishness in that they lack sufficient caring for their partners feelings.Edit - forgot one item. It leaves the door open for future contact, if they change their minds. Edited April 3, 2008 by Trialbyfire Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 No...don't want him back the way he was, just want to know WHY he did what he did. I wanted to know why, it was eating away at me. We finally did get back together, only to lather, rinse, repeat, sigh. And I still don't really KNOW why, other than he is emotionally retarded and gets too close and then retreats and doesn't know any other way to deal with his scary feelings. If you read the PRince Charming thread, you know my story. Now, in hind-site, although I am angry and hurt, I also know I have no regrets because if this had not happened, i would still be idolizing him and thinking of all the what if's. Now I know the ending and it is UGLY!!! On a positive note, I just came from the doctor and i have lost 6 pounds since February. I wasn't too heavy to begin with, but I am thrilled with my weight right now. I don't recommend this bozo as a way to lose weight, but at least he was actually good for something! Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Ladies of the Prince Charming thread.... Activate your PM capability... Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Ladies of the Prince Charming thread.... Activate your PM capability... that's what i'm talking about! Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Ladies of the Prince Charming thread.... Activate your PM capability... Um I can't seem to able to figure out how Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Here are some of the reasons why flakes, flake, although it's not a conclusive list: Drama avoidance.Power play.Selfishness in that they lack sufficient caring for their partners feelings. Edit - forgot one item. It leaves the door open for future contact, if they change their minds. I'm not entirely sure I understand the first two? Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Um I can't seem to able to figure out how Click on "My profile" (to the left on the pink line on the top of the LS screen), then "Edit options" (in the column on the lefthand side) and then check the right box in the "Messages and Notifications" area. I think that should do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Um I can't seem to able to figure out how Try going into the my profile section up above. Don't know that for a fact, but I am guessing that's a place to start! Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Sedona...great minds do think alike! Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 PM what huh? Never done such a thing. I'm so bummed they shut down that thread! It was one of the best ones ever. Ah well. I'm having an angry day today. I can't believe he really honest to god doesn't ever want to speak to me again. It is SO STUPID. I decided to follow the old "If you love something, set it free" bs, and he never came back. Meaning, I suppose, that he wasn't mine. That he wouldn't fight to be with me. I want to find him and look him right in the eye and say, "Really?" I want him to say to me that this is his way of coping when someone loves him like I did: he runs away and hides. I want him to admit he's a coward and explain why he ever got involved in the first place. I want him to straight up tell me his life is better without me in it. How much must you hate yourself not to be able to allow someone to love you? Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted April 3, 2008 Share Posted April 3, 2008 Sedg... Private Message... You can activate it when you hit 100 posts...and you are way past that. Follow the girls' instructions from above... Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 i'm not an established member so i can't do PMs. i have enough posts but apparently not enough time in. oh well Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 i'm not an established member so i can't do PMs. i have enough posts but apparently not enough time in. oh well I thought we joined around the same time, and you have twice as many posts as I have. That's weird. We have to figure this out! Editing to add, duh, I just noticed you joined in March, I did in February. Don't know what the rule is. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I always hear, guys always come back, but this one is a stubborn one let me tell you, I really don't think he ever would, I think he would die a thousand deaths before he ever addmitted he did anything and I mean anything wrong. I don't care if he comes back or not.....but of course I'de love to have that call "I really messed up", someday, just to make me feel better......so do they? Are these the guys that do or don't come back, the dissapearing ones? Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I didn't read the other thread, so I don't know if this was discussed at all but trust me when I say that having them available and willing to talk doesn't help you get closure. My ex-husband felt like crap for cheating on me, and whenever I e-mailed him or called him, he would always respond or pick up, even though he was living with his OW. For the longest time, I didn't let my anger show. I've since dumped it on him twice, and even been nasty, and even in these instances he responded. He said he was willing to talk or do whatever it took to help me with my anger and reach closure (which, after awhile, I found arrogant and insulting). Yes, on one level I appreciate that he has enough respect for me and our 8 years together to be willing to talk to me, but at the same time he didn't have enough respect for me or our relationship to even work on the marriage before checking out at the first instance of "for worse." Whether they ignore you or communicate with you, you're left to get closure on your own. I can see why you would want to talk to them. I can even see why you would feel disrespected or insulted when they walk away. But each time my ex sent me something or talked to me, it just added to my pain. I still don't have an answer to the question of "Why??" And I never will. Even though he was available, NC has been the best for me. Sure, it's nice when that's your choice, but trust me when I say that having them available to communicate with isn't necessarily a positive. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Here are some of the reasons why flakes, flake, although it's not a conclusive list: Drama avoidance.Power play.Selfishness in that they lack sufficient caring for their partners feelings.Edit - forgot one item. It leaves the door open for future contact, if they change their minds. You say it leaves the door open? How, it just pissed me off more, to be thrown away so coldly, I mean that just made me sure I never would let him in my life again....so how could such cold behavior translate to "leaving the door open for future contact?" Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 there's probably no way to predict it. depends on too many things...like who left who or it it was mutual, like if they left for someone else or not, like if he gets lonely. guess it also depends on what we mean by "come back"... come back to say hi?come back with issues not solved and wanting someone to lean on?come back with issues solved and ready to try again?come back to annoy you?come back for a booty call? at this moment in time, i'd say a lot of them are simply too lazy or too relieved to ever really come back. Link to post Share on other sites
LuCidiTy Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 You say it leaves the door open? How, it just pissed me off more, to be thrown away so coldly, I mean that just made me sure I never would let him in my life again....so how could such cold behavior translate to "leaving the door open for future contact?" you'd be surprised... Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I always hear, guys always come back, but this one is a stubborn one let me tell you, I really don't think he ever would, I think he would die a thousand deaths before he ever addmitted he did anything and I mean anything wrong. I don't care if he comes back or not.....but of course I'de love to have that call "I really messed up", someday, just to make me feel better......so do they? Are these the guys that do or don't come back, the dissapearing ones? Mine came back...I laid off the email, responded to his with one sentence responses, and finally i heard what I wanted to hear when he said, among other things, that he realized he may have run off the best thing that happen to him in a long time, if ever. I melted. We started back up and it was always scary for me. I never stopped feeling that panic feeling when he didn't call...and it led to him calling me pushy and disappearing again. Now I know I'm better off and there is relief in no longer worrying if he will call again! Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Yes, on one level I appreciate that he has enough respect for me and our 8 years together to be willing to talk to me, but at the same time he didn't have enough respect for me or our relationship to even work on the marriage before checking out at the first instance of "for worse." Whether they ignore you or communicate with you, you're left to get closure on your own. I can see why you would want to talk to them. I can even see why you would feel disrespected or insulted when they walk away. But each time my ex sent me something or talked to me, it just added to my pain. I still don't have an answer to the question of "Why??" And I never will. Even though he was available, NC has been the best for me. Sure, it's nice when that's your choice, but trust me when I say that having them available to communicate with isn't necessarily a positive. Well thats the point..the respect.....I mean when you never have contact and I mean never, all you know is that you weren't even worth a phone call.....of course NC helps at first to get over things, but then you get over them, and I can tell you, I still want the phone call.......even though I don't want him anymore.......I still want him to have seen what he did, to know for myself that he understands exactly what he did......I guess I want him to learn and me to know it. I don't feel quilty anymore for what I may have done in the relationship wrong, but I did feel it and I did have to go through those feelings, why shouldn't he......I mean I would be woman enough to admit what I've done wrong. IDK, I just know that to get that call someday, and I don't care if its 10 yrs. from now, would be bliss." I assume by the time I get it, I won't care if I get it though....thats the way it always works. Link to post Share on other sites
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I always hear, guys always come back, but this one is a stubborn one let me tell you, I really don't think he ever would, I think he would die a thousand deaths before he ever addmitted he did anything and I mean anything wrong. I don't care if he comes back or not.....but of course I'de love to have that call "I really messed up", someday, just to make me feel better......so do they? Are these the guys that do or don't come back, the dissapearing ones? you shouldn't need him to tell you that he messed up. you should KNOW that he did. that should be your motivator to leave him and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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