stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 you'd be surprised... Enlighten me oh wise one......... Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Well, I don't think he'll ever be able to understand what he's done to you unless it's done to him. Even if you get the call, even if he tells you why, the reasons will sound so hollow. I know it almost feels like a sense of justice, but no matter what he says or does, it will never be "ok" in your mind. And each communication just opens up more questions. It's a painful cycle that can actually delay healing. Edited April 4, 2008 by Crestfallen_KH typo Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know exactly what he did, he cheeted, and I have moved on, trust me on that......and I still want the damn phone call:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Well, I don't think he'll ever be able to understand what he's done to you unless it's done to him. Even if you get the call, even if he tells you why, the reasons will sound so hollow. I know it almost feels like a sense of justice, but no matter what he says or does, it will never be "ok" in your mind. And each communication just opens up more questions. It's a painful cycle that can actually delay healing. You are right in this, I know nothing he ever said to me could make up for anything he has done, and yes, its a sense of justice I guess, a wrong made right? Not that he ever could make it right.....but an appology would go a long way towards forgiveness. Although, I can say, I think I am starting to forgive him to my own shock and horror. Link to post Share on other sites
Far Behind Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I know exactly what he did, he cheeted, and I have moved on, trust me on that......and I still want the damn phone call:laugh: i want a phone call again, too, but I want it so i can finally say sod off! Link to post Share on other sites
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 You say it leaves the door open? How, it just pissed me off more, to be thrown away so coldly, I mean that just made me sure I never would let him in my life again....so how could such cold behavior translate to "leaving the door open for future contact?" because the person knows that you'll take him/her back whenever they decide to come back. so instead of getting proper closure and moving on, they just step out and in whenever they like! if you had to say bye to someone for good, you know the person will never take you back. but if you keep jumping in and out so suddenly, the other person keeps hanging on without proper closure and keeps wanting what they had with you again. (did i make sense?lol) Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Whether they ignore you or communicate with you, you're left to get closure on your own. I think this is really it......I mean, I will be soooo far down the road by the time it ever happens, I'm not going to care that it does happen. And he certainly will not have helped me to heal or get to the point of complete wholeness, or to get closure, I will have done that for myself. Making his contact completely uneeded and probably unwanted at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 because the person knows that you'll take him/her back whenever they decide to come back. so instead of getting proper closure and moving on, they just step out and in whenever they like! if you had to say bye to someone for good, you know the person will never take you back. but if you keep jumping in and out so suddenly, the other person keeps hanging on without proper closure and keeps wanting what they had with you again. (did i make sense?lol) Yes completely, but my guy is already in another relationship.......so I mean would he, could he actually be stupid enough to think I would ever take him back after that? I guess all I am saying is he is not jumping back and forth, he made a decision, never broke that decision, never contacted me, a fact which I found immensely cruel, I mean not a peep, and then got into another relationship 4 weeks after we broke up with a girl I know he met before we broke up.......so no back and forth on his part.......I understand completely what you are saying though. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 :lmao:Yeah that would be fun to say too:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 i want a phone call again, too, but I want it so i can finally say sod off! That would be fun too:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Yes completely, but my guy is already in another relationship.......so I mean would he, could he actually be stupid enough to think I would ever take him back after that? I guess all I am saying is he is not jumping back and forth, he made a decision, never broke that decision, never contacted me, a fact which I found immensely cruel, I mean not a peep, and then got into another relationship 4 weeks after we broke up with a girl I know he met before we broke up.......so no back and forth on his part.......I understand completely what you are saying though. I'm sorry to hear that.. I don't know exactly why you and your guy did break up but it seems that he's moved on and I hope you are doing so too. I hope that you aren't dwelling too much on the big qn after every break up : "Why isn't he/she missing me?" You owe it yourself to forget him & find a new,enriching relationship in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm not entirely sure I understand the first two? Drama avoidance = they don't have to deal with the anger/hurt and sense of betrayal, that the other party is certain to display upon hearing they want out. Power play = sometimes people play games, even to the point of risking or creating the permanent demise of a relationship. It's used by people, when feeling insecure in a relationship. A way to even up the perceived imbalance of power. It's also used by playahs, the hook of push/pull, to keep someone off balance, thus maintaining control. You say it leaves the door open? How, it just pissed me off more, to be thrown away so coldly, I mean that just made me sure I never would let him in my life again....so how could such cold behavior translate to "leaving the door open for future contact?" In not stating anything definitive, ambiguity leaves the door open for future contact, usually preceded by....excuses... Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I'm sorry to hear that.. I don't know exactly why you and your guy did break up but it seems that he's moved on and I hope you are doing so too. I hope that you aren't dwelling too much on the big qn after every break up : "Why isn't he/she missing me?" You owe it yourself to forget him & find a new,enriching relationship in the future. No I'm really not anymore.......I did for a really long time because I did not know what happened, one day he loved me, the next he didn't......the night before he was holding me in his arms, and looking in my eyes, and telling me he loved me, the next day, we were over. I answered all of my questions long ago. I have stopped mourning the loss of him, and now, do not want that person, I think he is truly one of the coldest people I have ever met, and not just becuase of what he did to me, but other things that happened before the relationship ended. I don't think about him really, I don't put energy into him really anymore. Which is why I can say what I say, the phone call to me is still important even though I am over him. I have met a new wonderful person who I am dying to get to know.....so no, not holding on, in fact anything but.......released him to the universe. I think there will always be a tiny piece of me, that has memory of him, sort of a small tatoo on the heart ya know.....you can't get rid of memory........but believe it or not, I even find myself forgiving him because I know it has to do with the way he was raised, and the things he learned from some really narcissistic parents. I mean the truth is, I was in a game, and never knew the game exsisted. But I forgive them for that, because they have to stay that way, they can not be different......I can. I feel sorry for them all. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Drama avoidance = they don't have to deal with the anger/hurt and sense of betrayal, that the other party is certain to display upon hearing they want out. Power play = sometimes people play games, even to the point of risking or creating the permanent demise of a relationship. It's used by people, when feeling insecure in a relationship. A way to even up the perceived imbalance of power. It's also used by playahs, the hook of push/pull, to keep someone off balance, thus maintaining control. In not stating anything definitive, ambiguity leaves the door open for future contact, usually preceded by....excuses... Yes, I understand.......hmmmm Mr. Darcey, where was he.......ahhhh, my favorot movie and I can't remember.......good question? Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Hey... So I go away for 36hrs and this GUY closes THE most important support contacts I have!!!??? WTF? a) prince charming or cowardly jerk?!! (Honestly, HOW the hell did ANYthing we post be off topic to that???? b) WHO CARES!? IF TONY (am writing him now) actually DID read the thread, he would reasise just how important our posting there was to US! c)honestly, he could have just let it be!!! am gonna post a few things...need 100 Link to post Share on other sites
NickP Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 stnlsmile i admire your resilience Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 No...don't want him back the way he was, just want to know WHY he did what he did. my biggest question! WHY!? Link to post Share on other sites
beta Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Mine is still gone ( Miss him today...Again! Link to post Share on other sites
mistie03 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 You ask - Do they ever really come back? My bf of over 7 years just called. OMG.....my heart skipped a beat when I saw it on my caller ID. We have been NC for 3 months. He said that he needs some of his tools out of my garage and he wants to talk. I feel like crying. He was so nice to me. That wasn't the case the last time I talked to him. I didn't expect this and don't know what to expect now. I can't concentrate on my work now. I need to regroup.... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 He said that he needs some of his tools out of my garage and he wants to talk. Be careful. He wants something from you. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak again. Assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised if you're wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 my biggest question! WHY!? I don't know.......I don't think its for validation........it is a little bit:rolleyes:.....that I was great and he was a sh**! But also like I said, I mean I did care about this person and I want to know he grew from it eventually....cause then, I know he won't do it again.....I guess its all part of the healing forgiving part too. Its a little of both??? I can say I do not want that phone call now though........much much later. I know, I'm a weirdo....... Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Hey... So I go away for 36hrs and this GUY closes THE most important support contacts I have!!!??? WTF? a) prince charming or cowardly jerk?!! (Honestly, HOW the hell did ANYthing we post be off topic to that???? b) WHO CARES!? IF TONY (am writing him now) actually DID read the thread, he would reasise just how important our posting there was to US! c)honestly, he could have just let it be!!! am gonna post a few things...need 100 Just glad to hear your going away.....well I hope that was a literal statement, maybe you just weren't on your computer......but then you must have been busy......so either way........good for you, keep movin girl. Believe me, it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
mistie03 Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 Be careful. He wants something from you. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak again. Assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised if you're wrong. Good advice, Trialbyfire. Sometimes when you are flailing around and freaked out, it helps to have a voice of reason give advice. You're right. He disappeared before. The best predictor of future behavior is what they've done in the past. Link to post Share on other sites
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 I don't know.......I don't think its for validation........it is a little bit:rolleyes:.....that I was great and he was a sh**! But also like I said, I mean I did care about this person and I want to know he grew from it eventually....cause then, I know he won't do it again.....I guess its all part of the healing forgiving part too. Its a little of both??? I can say I do not want that phone call now though........much much later. I know, I'm a weirdo....... Okay, well now I'm thinking about this way too much......WHY do I want the phone call.....so let me say this, you have to understand that the whole time we were dating, his parents did not think I was good enough for him, and made it known in different ways. I was always fighting against that, hoping he would know better, escape his roots. His parents didn't like me because I was not an athlete, even though I play varsity tennis, 3rd year and play volleyball and soccer, they also didn't feel my grades were good enough even though I had a 3.2 GPA, which is not great but not bad either.......they just never ever thought I was good enough...and he was stellar, 4 different sports, 3.5-3.8 GPA bla bla bla, so I was alway in the relationship fighting them, and they were always making me feel inadiquite. Then the break up phase was the culmination of this, you know your not good enough for me and now I realize it too....of course new girl he has stellar athlete bla bla bla......I guess I was never raised to approach life in that manner, and I wanted so desprately for him to not have to live like that.......to not be that. Of course I did not see this at first.....but Narcissism, seriously, is hard to detect.....they come into your life like a ray of sunshine, make everything perfect, and then swallow you for breakfast with a smile. I'm not sure any of you can understand this or not. From the begining his mom was trying to get him away from me, she was jelouse........and devious in ways you can not believe. I mean it was really sick, but I thought we could get around the family, I was always nice to them, and love each other, and that he would learn to appreciate life, not because of what you do.......but for who you are. So his dumping me was like proof they were all right.....and they weren't, and I want HIM to know that. So it is validation and it is something I would love to hear.......but maybe what you all are saying is WHY........you have to KNOW you are great, and no one should have to tell you that. Normally, I would not need that.....I guess this just beat me up so much, that I know it would help me......but now you all have me thinking.....how boneheaded am I to need that jerks validation or apporval anyway??????? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted April 4, 2008 Share Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) His parents didn't like me because I was not an athlete, even though I play varsity tennis, 3rd year and play volleyball and soccer Uh...that sounds like an athlete to me. How many sports does one have to play before this guy's parents consider her an athlete?! It's not unlike my guy breaking up with me because, even though I'm a bellydancer, I perform regularly with live music, I play zils (finger cymbals, which are part of the percussion) and I'm learning to drum, I'm not a musician. Because to him musician equals old-time fiddle player. I makes me so sad that your bf's parents are setting such ridiculous standards. Who CARES if you're an athlete?? Who cares if your GPA is 3/10 of a point lower than his? That's ludicrous. That's nothing but them setting themselves up to be disappointed over really stupid, petty, trivial stuff, and teaching their son to do the same. I hope you know they're the crazy ones. I mean, what if someday, say ten years from now, your ex were to bring home a woman and tell his parents he was planning to propose. What would they do, ask her what her high school GPA was and what sports she played to determine if she was good enough for him? Let's say she was in some field most people consider successful and difficult -- let's say she was a doctor, for example -- are they going to ask to see her med school transcripts to find out if she's good enough to date their son or not? Can you imagine being that petty and ridiculous? Edited April 4, 2008 by sedgwick Link to post Share on other sites
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