guys that dissapear (do they ever really come back ???

[Mouldylocks]

He emailed me.

 

Another 'response to a two week old email'. And he actually asked how I was getting on with therapy.

 

Longest email and 'most interested' email I've had for ages from him.

 

Think I'll make him sweat it out for a while longer

[stlnsmile]

Well thats the whole point, it was crazy, and I found myself in the middle of it. I loved him because he seemed perfect......but, alas, its the perfect ones that should scare you I think:) And I think we've talked about this before, I'm a dancer too...I've been dancing since I was 8 yrs. old, tap, hip hop, lyrical, and jazz........I preform in front of 100's of people. Thats the point.....I won't say I am a great athlete though.....I do it, but tend to not be the top preformer or anything.....but really, I mean if your going to base your whole life on cr** like that, I mean what is that? I guess they wanted an olympic athlete or something like the presidents son.....seriously, and I mean that.

It was crazy, I mean they didn't see what a great person I was, or how much I loved there son, and that he was happy, they pushed and they pushed and they pushed him. In the end, they won, and I think thats what sucks about it. But you know, he let it happen.

 

But you know, I am over it, I explain myself for the sake of explination. I do not want to marry into a family like that, I mean could you imadgine me raising my kids someday in that? How I would never be a good enough mother? I know this was allowed to happen for a reason as much as it hurt me, and truthfully I think it was to save me.

 

And now I meet this guy, who is so unbelievably mellow, and non judgemental and down to earth it blows me away. I don't know if it will be anything or not. But at least I know its out there now. He's a musician and does not expect me to be one either:) He's a prodogy, can hear anything and play it, plays multiple instuments......he's awsom, and cute to boot.....thats what I mean, I mean God (if you believe in God, or whatever) had a reason and I really believe that. Maybe you too Sedge, maybe your gonna meet some awsom guy who is a musician, but can appreciate everything you do, and does not have a judgemental bone in his body........thats what we both deserve. And thanks for saying that cause sometimes its hard to remember that it was crazy, and it wasn't me.......

[stlnsmile]

I mean, what if someday, say ten years from now, your ex were to bring home a woman and tell his parents he was planning to propose. What would they do, ask her what her high school GPA was and what sports she played to determine if she was good enough for him? Let's say she was in some field most people consider successful and difficult -- let's say she was a doctor, for example -- are they going to ask to see her med school transcripts to find out if she's good enough to date their son or not?

 

Yes I believe they will.....they will judge that person based on some criteria that they don't know they are being judged on.....like I said, I was in a game and didn't know I was playing. Thats why I actually feel sorry for his new gf......she does not know what she's getting into.....she will mess up in some trivial way, and she won't understand how, and she won't understand why all of a sudden weird things are happening. Anyway, not my problem, I'm out... and glad of it.........

[mistie03]

Be careful. He wants something from you. Don't set yourself up for heartbreak again. Assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised if you're wrong.

 

He came and stayed for a few hours.

 

I came in after he left and watched the last half of the Oprah show. It's the one about puppy mills and she dedicated the show to her dog Sophie that died last month. She said that Sophie gave her 12 years of unconditional love. I understand that because I love my dog so much.

 

I started crying and I cried really hard. I thought that I could handle this, but out of nowhere, the tears came. My bf and I were together almost 8 years.

 

He told me that a storage space will be available at the end of the month and that he will move his stuff out of my garage.

 

He noticed that the tire was flat on my lawn tractor (I have a huge yard) and he fixed it for me.

 

I just had a vertical spa installed in my shower and he came in to see it.

 

Then, we went out to the garage. He told me that his life fell apart around the holidays. His father died a year ago and didn't have a will. He found out that his parents (both died) weren't really his parents. He was adopted and they never told him. He said that he feels his whole life was a lie. He wouldn't look me in the eye when he was talking. It was so strange. He talked for awhile and left.

 

We hugged and he said that he would call me later.

 

I'm not kidding myself. I accept things for what they are. He has always been emotionally distant and very closed off and mysterious. I'm sure that he probably never loved me. I think he liked me and was physically attracted to me, but "love" is not in his vocabulary. He has issues. It still hurts though. I'll be Ok. We had been NC for 3 months and I was doing fine.

Edited April 4, 2008 by mistie03

[sedgwick]

I'm a dancer too...I've been dancing since I was 8 yrs. old, tap, hip hop, lyrical, and jazz........I preform in front of 100's of people.

 

That's right! Yes! You are also a dancer! I remember!

 

Anyone who thinks dancers aren't athletes has a standing invitation to come to dance class with me and talk to me after. Once they've done shimmy drills for 15 minutes straight with their arms held at chest level the entire time, then they can tell me about how it doesn't take any athleticism.

 

I hope your musician is awesome to you. But if you come through the door one day and he's holding a fiddle and drooling, trust me -- RUN!

[Trialbyfire]

He came and stayed for a few hours.

 

I came in after he left and watched the last half of the Oprah show. It's the one about puppy mills and she dedicated the show to her dog Sophie that died last month. She said that Sophie gave her 12 years of unconditional love. I understand that because I love my dog so much.

 

I started crying and I cried really hard. I thought that I could handle this, but out of nowhere, the tears came. My bf and I were together almost 8 years.

 

He told me that a storage space will be available at the end of the month and that he will move his stuff out of my garage.

 

He noticed that the tire was flat on my lawn tractor (I have a huge yard) and he fixed it for me.

 

I just had a vertical spa installed in my shower and he came in to see it.

 

Then, we went out to the garage. He told me that his life fell apart around the holidays. His father died a year ago and didn't have a will. He found out that his parents (both died) weren't really his parents. He was adopted and they never told him. He said that he feels his whole life was a lie. He wouldn't look me in the eye when he was talking. It was so strange. He talked for awhile and left.

 

We hugged and he said that he would call me later.

 

I'm not kidding myself. I accept things for what they are. He has always been emotionally distant and very closed off and mysterious. I'm sure that he probably never loved me. I think he liked me and was physically attracted to me, but "love" is not in his vocabulary. He has issues. It still hurts though. I'll be Ok. We had been NC for 3 months and I was doing fine.

((hugs))

 

8 years is a long time. It's no wonder you have strong residual feelings of pain. Someone distant like this, is an almost impossible read, especially since they don't really understand themselves, most of the time.

 

Take care of yourself.

[LuCidiTy]

Enlighten me oh wise one.........

 

hardly wise. it's just that in my experience, they always come back in one form or another, no matter how horrible or cold the parting was. dunno why. guilt maybe, something on their conscience, plain old curiosity, or all of the above and then some.

[LuCidiTy]

Drama avoidance = they don't have to deal with the anger/hurt and sense of betrayal, that the other party is certain to display upon hearing they want out.

 

Power play = sometimes people play games, even to the point of risking or creating the permanent demise of a relationship. It's used by people, when feeling insecure in a relationship. A way to even up the perceived imbalance of power. It's also used by playahs, the hook of push/pull, to keep someone off balance, thus maintaining control.

 

In not stating anything definitive, ambiguity leaves the door open for future contact, usually preceded by....excuses...

 

thanks. that clears up what you meant for me. sometimes i think people use NC as a game.

[mistie03]

((hugs))

 

8 years is a long time. It's no wonder you have strong residual feelings of pain. Someone distant like this, is an almost impossible read, especially since they don't really understand themselves, most of the time.

 

Take care of yourself.

Thank you.

 

I don't think he does understand himself - much less anyone else. He seemed so haunted, sad and angry.

[mistie03]

Drama avoidance = they don't have to deal with the anger/hurt and sense of betrayal, that the other party is certain to display upon hearing they want out.

 

Power play = sometimes people play games, even to the point of risking or creating the permanent demise of a relationship. It's used by people, when feeling insecure in a relationship. A way to even up the perceived imbalance of power. It's also used by playahs, the hook of push/pull, to keep someone off balance, thus maintaining control.

 

In not stating anything definitive, ambiguity leaves the door open for future contact, usually preceded by....excuses...

 

So true, Trailbyfire! I noticed that today when I saw my ex-bf after 3 months. It was all so ambiguous. None of it made sense. One thing that was definitely present without a doubt was the total lack of empathy for me and what his actions may have caused. He kept going back to an innocent remark that I made that he took offense to where none was intended (Saying that I had been single X amount of years when I was referring to how long I had been divorced). I would have never said it in the way that he took it. I finally told him that I was never going to convince him of that. It was like it went in one ear and right out the other. He just kept talking about himself and how upset he was with his personal issues surrounding his father's death and being cut out of his estate and finding out he wasn't his parent's biological child. None of it makes sense! He told me that the personal hell he is going through is the reason that he disappeared over Christmas. He said that he had to be alone.

 

As he drove away, I felt like I was looking at an enigma.

[Trialbyfire]

thanks. that clears up what you meant for me. sometimes i think people use NC as a game.

It can be a very cruel game.

 

Call me naive but I believe it should be used to move on.

 

So true, Trailbyfire! I noticed that today when I saw my ex-bf after 3 months. It was all so ambiguous. None of it made sense. One thing that was definitely present without a doubt was the total lack of empathy for me and what his actions may have caused. He kept going back to an innocent remark that I made that he took offense to where none was intended (Saying that I had been single X amount of years when I was referring to how long I had been divorced). I would have never said it in the way that he took it. I finally told him that I was never going to convince him of that. It was like it went in one ear and right out the other. He just kept talking about himself and how upset he was with his personal issues surrounding his father's death and being cut out of his estate and finding out he wasn't his parent's biological child. None of it makes sense! He told me that the personal hell he is going through is the reason that he disappeared over Christmas. He said that he had to be alone.

 

As he drove away, I felt like I was looking at an enigma.

I think you were bang on, when you said he has issues. If you truly cared about someone, how can you have no empathy about the pain you've caused. I just don't get it but then, people can be very selfish and self-centered.

[cat-power]

Would it kill them to just tell us "hey, i'm going thru a rough spot, need some time alone.." but no...instead they just dissapear into their own selfish world.

[stlnsmile]

That's right! Yes! You are also a dancer! I remember!

 

Anyone who thinks dancers aren't athletes has a standing invitation to come to dance class with me and talk to me after. Once they've done shimmy drills for 15 minutes straight with their arms held at chest level the entire time, then they can tell me about how it doesn't take any athleticism.

 

I hope your musician is awesome to you. But if you come through the door one day and he's holding a fiddle and drooling, trust me -- RUN!

 

Yes about the dancer being an athlete, I'de like to see any Navy Seal go through my stretch class......he'd be cryin like a baby. And I promise Fiddle+drooling=RUN!!!!!!!!! God this new guy is so amazingly intelligent.....wow...talking to him last night.....I'm darn impressed, didn't think I could ever like someone again......I'm pretty excited. But muuuucchhh wiser. Don't think I'll be putting all of my eggs into one basket ever again.

[stlnsmile]

I think each of us has expirienced this level of selfishness.....where the other person we are with are only thinking about their lives, their problems, their stuff, their feelings, their choices, their successes.....I mean honestly thats not love.........when you love someone you can not intentionally hurt them, you care that their heart hurts. Obviously your guy is soooo wrapped up in his own universe you do not exsist......and honestly, I wonder if you ever did......and that is not said to sound harsh, I just know with my ex, who was exactly the same way, I know now, he never and I mean never, invested his emotions into me.......never, and thats why it was so easy for him to walk away.....he just never felt anything and never let himself, so it was easy during the relationship to not give me anything, he didn't care.....and it was easy for him to walk away and find someone new.....he didn't care. Simple, but true. Sucks when you figure that out!!!

[Far Behind]

Would it kill them to just tell us "hey, i'm going thru a rough spot, need some time alone.." but no...instead they just dissapear into their own selfish world.

 

That was the part I could never understand...how hard is it to "man-up" and just say what needs to be said? Do they honestly think we can't take it? What it is, though, is they are such cowardly worms they would rather just disappear than deal with whatever emotional upheaval would come with "the talk."

 

Love your quote!

[stlnsmile]

It almost seems like a way to control you.....you know pull on the ol heart strings even after he's dumped you? Keep you feeling sorry for him and his situation, use it as a sudo excuse......I mean my parents have gone through way worse stuff than that, including loosing a baby, and they are still together???? Love does not change because of stress, and I get so tired of guys using their emotional cr** as excuses. This is not a "fight or flight" response to pain, it is a choice to not be with you???? Its BS. If it was a temporary freak out, he'd work through it ya know? Why is he giving excuses, and why is he trying to make you feel bad for him? Maybe its his way of being friends, sharing his life with you, but do you want that???? I don't know if I'de want friendship, guess it depends on how hurt you really are now. Seems like you can tolerate being in his presence????

[stlnsmile]

That was the part I could never understand...how hard is it to "man-up" and just say what needs to be said? Do they honestly think we can't take it? What it is, though, is they are such cowardly worms they would rather just disappear than deal with whatever emotional upheaval would come with "the talk."

 

Love your quote!

 

From what I hear, a man would rather have a gun to his head than deal with your crying.....crying is like a fire, and it must be put out.....men are taught to win, rescue, fix.......that simple.......they are not taught to deal with emotions, in fact it is highly discouraged. So they would rather dissapear than loose on the emotional battle ground which they can never win at agaist a woman and they know it. Stupid but true.......read that from a very smart man on LS.

[Far Behind]

My idiot disappeared knowing I had is ATM card...you are telling me it is easier to go through the hassle of getting a new card than to deal with me? Grow up, buddy! And mine is 48, not hardly a child in the chronological sense of the word...in the emotional sense, he is about 17.

[stlnsmile]

My idiot disappeared knowing I had is ATM card...you are telling me it is easier to go through the hassle of getting a new card than to deal with me? Grow up, buddy! And mine is 48, not hardly a child in the chronological sense of the word...in the emotional sense, he is about 17.

 

Ahhh the same age as mine:lmao: Yup they would rather do anything than deal with us women:) Wimpy wimpy wimpy:lmao:

[Far Behind]

This roller coaster sucks; I want to get off. I am not worried that I will contact him, because I won't; I just can't seem to stop dwelling on the whole situation...wondering if he thinks about me, what he did, that kind of thing.

[stlnsmile]

This roller coaster sucks; I want to get off. I am not worried that I will contact him, because I won't; I just can't seem to stop dwelling on the whole situation...wondering if he thinks about me, what he did, that kind of thing.

 

Yeah I know, it was tourture when I was going through it, but honestly, I think you have to. I mean I think you have to go through each feeling, each thought, each tear, to develop and understanding of what the heck happened. I mean for me, I finally found out, he had someone else. And that helped bring me to closure really quickly. But even before I found that out I was pretty close to done it had been 3 mo. 2 weeks by then. It just takes each of us however long it takes to process it. How long has it been for you? I hated those thoughts, they hurt so much and I cried so much.....but it will go away as soon as your mind has understanding, until then, just know its okay, and cry as much as you want, and ask as many questions as you want, because you will come up with your own answers to those questions.

[cat-power]

This roller coaster sucks; I want to get off. I am not worried that I will contact him, because I won't; I just can't seem to stop dwelling on the whole situation...wondering if he thinks about me, what he did, that kind of thing.

 

yeah..i'm on the same page as u are right now- I seem to remember all the little details now that makes this situation make even less sense.

 

Like he would qoute me on trivial stuff I said half a year ago (things I couldn't even remember) One of the times he dissapeared before I sent him a one line email saying "if you've lost interest, please just tell me, reply to this email and I will never bother you again" plenty of chance to bail out !!

 

I'm currently setting myself up for another disaster. A guy at work seems to be interested (I only figured this out today....i'm a bit thick when in comes to that) Both him and me are doing up our fireplaces, and out of the blue (dunno how it exactly happened) he offered to come fix mine tomorrow. Another engineer, also costcontroller, like Mike. At least this one cannot dissapear because we work in the same place:o We were also gonna go to this company outing coming Wednesday, and another one next saturday. I saw it as a chance to meet people...and not be alone...as i've only started there 3 wks ago.

But now I think (and as he's already called twice today) that there may be more to it. I never told him about Mike...

 

This offer to fix my fireplace (he gets to drive 3/4 hour) seems a little bit over the top....i'ts beginning to scare me now !

[sedona]

This offer to fix my fireplace (he gets to drive 3/4 hour) seems a little bit over the top....i'ts beginning to scare me now !

Just relax!! Why are you thinking about what he wants and what everything means. The guy offered to help you with your fireplace. That's it. Take it from there and don't be scared from the get-go. Maybe he's a possible love interest, maybe he'll be a friend, maybe he'll end up being a colleague that you nod to in the hallways. In the country where I'm living, they have a saying that translates as "Don't do all your worrying in advance."

[cat-power]

but I specialize in worrying !

[Far Behind]

Just relax!! Why are you thinking about what he wants and what everything means. The guy offered to help you with your fireplace. That's it. Take it from there and don't be scared from the get-go. Maybe he's a possible love interest, maybe he'll be a friend, maybe he'll end up being a colleague that you nod to in the hallways. In the country where I'm living, they have a saying that translates as "Don't do all your worrying in advance."

 

Great quote! I need to start adhearing to that one, lol.