Far Behind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Yeah I know, it was tourture when I was going through it, but honestly, I think you have to. I mean I think you have to go through each feeling, each thought, each tear, to develop and understanding of what the heck happened. I mean for me, I finally found out, he had someone else. And that helped bring me to closure really quickly. But even before I found that out I was pretty close to done it had been 3 mo. 2 weeks by then. It just takes each of us however long it takes to process it. How long has it been for you? I hated those thoughts, they hurt so much and I cried so much.....but it will go away as soon as your mind has understanding, until then, just know its okay, and cry as much as you want, and ask as many questions as you want, because you will come up with your own answers to those questions. Well it's hard to answer directly. I met him in December and the first time he bailed was about a week after New Years. No word, nothing. Three weeks went by and then one day he replied to what was going to be my last attempt at an email. We went out that week, discussed our feelings, and then I didn't hear from him again. Then the emails started again, and as I tapered off, he came on stronger, til my birthday, when he said the bit about having run off the best thing in his life in a long time, maybe ever. So we started up AGAIN. I felt the entire time like I was walking on eggshells because I was so scared he would do it again, even though he assured me he wouldn't, and said he'd be patient and understanding about my trust issues. A week ago Thursday was when he poured out his heart to me with the "I love you, I was miserable without you, I don't want to be alone." The next night was when he didn't call when he said he would, and Saturday I got an email saying I was being too pushy. HUH? Anyway, I decided that I was going to put an end to this because of my trust issues, I was just going to let him go. When I replied to his email on Saturday, he didn't answer. I also sent a card just saying please don't give up on us, but he never opened it. Tuesday I was going to send the email, but didn't want to send to him at work cuz it seemed like a crappy thing to do to someone. That night I discovered he had removed me from his myspace page. I immediately sent him my email, which he deleted without reading. We have had no further contact since then. Right now, I won't attempt to contact him at all. That was my pattern in the past, which he knows. IF he were to contact me, and god knows I wish he would, all I would want to say to him is F*ck You. I believe with all my heart that I have more than earned the privilege of doing that, but to initiate contact to say it would not be the way to go. Although I have been having a lot of anxiety this week, and the weeks I was with him again, I also feel so much different than the first time. That was when I was in hysterics and would start to cry spontaneously, and cry myself to sleep. I really have not cried at all this week. I started to when I was talking to my doctor the other day, but I stopped myself. I do not want to shed one more tear over this guy. I need to stop cuz I feel myself getting angry, lol.
trulysomething Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Damn about the Prince Charming thread. Hadn't had much of a chance to write in it except once, but I was reading it. They disappear because they can't deal. This is either for short term (My ex-whateverthehellheis totally bailed on me today..yet AGAIN..he does this all the time and yet I keep getting upselt about it. *grrr*) or the long term. I'd like to find myself an intelligent, CARING and warm funny man....where are they?
Far Behind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Damn about the Prince Charming thread. Hadn't had much of a chance to write in it except once, but I was reading it. They disappear because they can't deal. This is either for short term (My ex-whateverthehellheis totally bailed on me today..yet AGAIN..he does this all the time and yet I keep getting upselt about it. *grrr*) or the long term. I'd like to find myself an intelligent, CARING and warm funny man....where are they? If you find one that knows more, send them to South Florida where there is a dangerous lack of such men. Sorry you are going through this, too, truly, and it really does suck. I know there will not be another round for me. I am having a difficult day, but I am feeling anger/numbness as opposed to grief or sadness. There are occasional thoughts as to what he may or may not be doing right now, does he think about me (as if), stuff like that. He knows I don't have my kids this weekend so does he think, as I have, we would have been spending this weekend together if he hadn't of screwed it all up again. You do realize, I'm sure, we all do...we have choices here, too, as in whether or not you will allow the behaviour on your end to continue. If you have kept taking him back, he has learned it's ok. I see that now because I'm finally getting out of it. As someone else said, think it was Lucidity, lather, rinse, repeat! My hair is squeaky clean...no more repeating for me! (and I mean it, too, I think...lol)
Walking away Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 (edited) I gave myself two weeks to hurt over this guy. (And that was being generous because he really wasn't even worth a day of pain..) And the two weeks are up tomorrow. And, it's funny. I started feeling better yesterday. Two days early. I feel free again. Edited April 5, 2008 by Walking away
stlnsmile Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Okay, this is funny sort of......my dad saw my ex today, we live on the same street as I have said before, my ex was out with his father and brother, and as I am sure you have read about all the judgemental cr** of me and my family......well my father drove up to all of them, and just as happy as punch started talking to them as nice as can be, and to my ex too, even though he knows in his heart the whole time my dad is talking to him, that he screwed me over for some other girl.......and my dad is just being wonderful to these horrible people, and the Narcissist, the mom, is looking out the window the whole time at my dad. There is more to the story, but believe me.....my ex is thinking right now......maybe they weren't as bad as I thought, he was really nice to me after what I did to his daughter.......and I'm LMAO:lmao: This on top of really awesom guy that is so great and nice and into me, and I can't wait to see him again......he's totally sick with flu right now, two weeks and lost 10 lbs. because of this flu.......its horrible, but we talk everyday. Anyway.....I'm having a great day:cool:
stlnsmile Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 My dad did it on purpose...he came home laughing and told me all about it:cool:
sedgwick Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 (edited) Good for your dad, that's awesome! Just think how unhappy your ex's family has to be to compare themselves with other people all the time -- even if they compare themselves favorably. How exhausting! I mean, really. If you feel good about what you have, you don't care what anybody else has. Can you imagine being a grown woman who gives even half a sh*t what sports someone plays in high school? How miserable must she be? You just have to look at people like that and feel sorry for them for being too afraid to go out and become self-actualized. If your life is full and happy, you don't have time for the petty things. So now back to me...*heh*...I was just looking at youtube, at videos of one of the many tattoo reality shows out there, because i have a friend who's on it. And there were all these guys going on and on in the comments about how hot tattooed girls are, why can't they find a tattooed girl with weird hair who walks around in a bikini, etc. And I'm like...okay...that's me. I'm a tattooed girl with weird hair who walks around in a bikini BELLYDANCING, for f*ck's sake. So why, if I'm such a commodity and there are all these guys out there looking for a girl like me, did I get dumped for not being a fiddle player? WHY???? It just pisses me off to no end. I am really angry and hurt over the fact that he is not speaking to me. I was of so little value to him that he just tossed me aside because of some ideal he had in his head. How nice must it be to be a big ass hillbilly dork who's so confident of his awesomeness and ability to attract women that he can just throw away the one who really loves him, fully expecting that when this elusive fiddle player comes along, she'll love him back. I can't imagine having that kind of confidence. I mean, hell, I lay in bed crying all day the day I turned my book in because I felt like it was no biggie because it wasn't the fiddle. That's the amount of self-esteem *I* have. I sure would like to have a little of his. Instead of getting better, every day he ignores me makes me feel a little more worthless. Edited April 5, 2008 by sedgwick
Walking away Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Sedg, I am sorry you are feeling so low. But when I read about you all I think about is how funny and special you are. BTW.... Fiddlers are HIGHLY overrated!
stlnsmile Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I agree with all of the above sedge, fiddlers are highly over rated......you kneed to find a very cool and mellow guitar player:cool: They are way cooler:lmao: You don't need to let some over self absorbed ass and his opinion of you matter......just like me.......his opinion of you is not truth. Is one mans opinion, and a pretty stupid mans opinion if he let you go. You are awesom, and everytime I read what you say, I think thats a great woman right there! Seriously, hon......you need to see your own value, and let it be shown to the world.
stlnsmile Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Go hand out at that tat shop on T.V. oh what the heck is it called, can't remember but you know the one I'm talkin bout! Mi*** Ink!!!!! Thats it.
mistie03 Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I think each of us has expirienced this level of selfishness.....where the other person we are with are only thinking about their lives, their problems, their stuff, their feelings, their choices, their successes.....I mean honestly thats not love.........when you love someone you can not intentionally hurt them, you care that their heart hurts. Obviously your guy is soooo wrapped up in his own universe you do not exsist......and honestly, I wonder if you ever did......and that is not said to sound harsh, I just know with my ex, who was exactly the same way, I know now, he never and I mean never, invested his emotions into me.......never, and thats why it was so easy for him to walk away.....he just never felt anything and never let himself, so it was easy during the relationship to not give me anything, he didn't care.....and it was easy for him to walk away and find someone new.....he didn't care. Simple, but true. Sucks when you figure that out!!! So true! That was all I heard out of my ex-bf yesterday when I saw him. Me, Me, Me! How selfish!!! The thing of it is, I have always cared about how he feels and I feel for him when he is in pain or struggling. It just is not reciprocted. I don't think that is possible with him. I had some horrible things happen last year that left me crying for days. Never once, did I think of bailing on him. In fact, he told me that those issues had changed me and were affecting our relationship. What an a$$ he is!!
trulysomething Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 If I had a nickel for everytime my ex talked about himself...I'd be a millionaire! He only ever talks about himself or thinks about himself. He wasn't always that way. When we dated, there were lots of good things about him and he could be very thoughtful. Now..it'slike he did a 180. He can still be caring, but it only comes in dribs and drabs. I am seriously angry that he stood me up today though. The thing is I called him at 7 pm to find out what time he WAS actually going to show. He was surprised by that because he "really didn't want to" and thought I had felt the same. Seriously. He is lame. Lame AND boring AND doesn't deserve to even have me around.
beta Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 (edited) Hiya Girls! I missed you! I saw my therapist on Friday (tripple dose!) That went well...I'll tell you about it in a min. First, I was out helping a friend this morning and I came home and logged on (to see if I can find our old thread re-opened (I emailed Tony)) and my ex-bf was logged on!!! Holy *! I mean, a) wasn't expecting him to be there since he has pretty much tossed me like I was a rotten fish decomposing pathetically in his boat and b) he's at the Grand Prix!? Whatever. He was there! My heart skipped a beat. But I DID NC! He stayed on for about an hour! Not sure what to make of him even logging on? (I've known everyone in his life and can't imagine who he would be wanting to chat to? Besides, our mutual friend is with him! ) Sigh. K is a psychotherapist. I was very reluctant into going in my past. Honestly believing (but hey, haven't I sufficiently proven that what I believe in is about as worth as much as a a dime in Luxembourg?) ANYWAYS.... We did some time line therapy. Went thru Anger and sadness. Wow. That was VERY emotional and VERY surprising! I eventually came back to the bf dumping event (you work from the past to the future) and with the sadness, she had to take me back twice but I am learning to let go of that overflow of emotions. This is not to say that I don't love him dearly, that I don't believe we could've been amazing together or that I don't miss him dearly; but I CANNOT go on in this dark depression anymore and I need to cope. I feel so much better. I do. We still have to work thru some other strong emotions (hurt, guilt, etc...) Like I said, I don't think I could ever forget but I am feeling much more calm about this whole situation. Still sticking around though. It has been SUCH a saving grace to have all of you to look forward to everyday during this past month and to know that I am not alone living with these feelings. xx Edited April 5, 2008 by beta
Far Behind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Beta, I miss you...tried to start a thread to you and it got yanked and I got reprimanded! When you become an established member, you must PM. I think it must be 2 months or something, not really sure how it works. Glad you are feeling good. I have been in an angry mood today, but I think in my case the anger is good and it is warranted. I used to, before all this crap happened the 2nd time, walk around sad and pining away for what was and what could never be. Now I am just glad I know for sure that I am gonna be fine without him in my life!
beta Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 FB: Miss you too I emailed about PM, have no response as of yet. I was angry yesterday. My therapist has a very ZEN office and I felt like my energy might paint it black (I had a massive chip on my shoulder). She said it was good too. It's grieving. I've been avoiding it I believe. Because if we grieve, that means we move on. And honestly, I didn't want to move on! It would seem all too final but we need to do this. BTW, 4 letter adjectives were the words of the day yesterday. Seems to help me.
Far Behind Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 FB: Miss you too I emailed about PM, have no response as of yet. I was angry yesterday. My therapist has a very ZEN office and I felt like my energy might paint it black (I had a massive chip on my shoulder). She said it was good too. It's grieving. I've been avoiding it I believe. Because if we grieve, that means we move on. And honestly, I didn't want to move on! It would seem all too final but we need to do this. BTW, 4 letter adjectives were the words of the day yesterday. Seems to help me. Yes, exactly...moving on means it's done, finis, over. I wasn't ready before. I am now. I still didn't delete him from my AIM contact list because everytime I notice it there, I can shout one of those 4 letter adjectives at him. Actually, I am using it as a verb, in the imperative sense of the word!!! My dog, poor old thing, thinks i'm a nut but I know he doesn't think I'm yelling at him:laugh: I was supposed to see my brother later tonight, but I'm feeling less inclined to go out and more inclined to take a bath, drink a few beers or some wine, and Notting Hill is on cable tonight, which is one of my all time favorite movies. Maybe I can release some of the tears that have not flowed yet. My kids are over their dad's tonight, so I can curse and cry the night away if that is what I choose to do. Then again, I may just enjoy the wine, enjoy the movie, and enjoy my own company and the hell with him!
sedgwick Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I wish I wasn't so sad today. This blows. I miss him so much. I miss him all the time. Last night I had yet another big long dream that we got back together. I'm torturing myself trying to figure out why he's ignoring me. Is it because he hates me? Because he's with someone else? What? For some reason, it's hard all of a sudden not to look at his myspace or band website or any of that. I haven't had one moment's difficulty thus far; I haven't wanted to see. But now I suddenly want to look just to see pictures of him because I miss him so much. I don't feel like doing any of the things I need to do. Nothing appeals to me. I desperately need to be editing my book, but all I want to do is lie in bed and obsess about him. It's a gorgeous day out. I'm sitting inside my dark apartment. This is not right. Maybe I'll go get a pedicure and a piece of cheesecake.
stlnsmile Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 So true! That was all I heard out of my ex-bf yesterday when I saw him. Me, Me, Me! How selfish!!! The thing of it is, I have always cared about how he feels and I feel for him when he is in pain or struggling. It just is not reciprocted. I don't think that is possible with him. I had some horrible things happen last year that left me crying for days. Never once, did I think of bailing on him. In fact, he told me that those issues had changed me and were affecting our relationship. What an a$$ he is!! Well thats kind of the whole point, I mean think about it, when you have emotional issues does that mean you run away? Most people really don't, those that do, seriously have problems. I mean it is possible for all people to need space time and again, but that is different than running away. So I guess my point is, he may have been torn up, his life upside down, it was all a lie etc...,but the truth is, thats when you cling to the people you need, not run from them, and obviously it had nothing to do with you. YOU did not lie to him. So I guess all I am saying is don't let your self equate his leaving with his problems, its just not true. And if he left originally for those reasons, he would have worked them out by now. Guys lie when they break up, plain but true, they say the things they think will avoid the most drama, and keep them looking like the good guy "I'll always be in your life, you'll always be my friend, I doooo care about you" Whatever........its all cr** and avoidance. I think half of these guys were talking about are probably having their bread buttered else where, which is why they were able to get the Ba**s to let go of us? I don't know, it just all sounds selfishly familiar:)
sedgwick Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Well thats kind of the whole point, I mean think about it, when you have emotional issues does that mean you run away? Most people really don't, those that do, seriously have problems. Exactly. Think about your best friends, the ones who have been your friends for years. My three best friends have been my friends for 14, 12, and 8 years. You can bet that in that time we've seen each other through some bad stuff. But we've never run away from each other, because we're committed. With each of my three best friends (two women and a man), there has been some point at which we've said to each other, "I love you. You're family." We have chosen to be friends even when one of us is not so much fun to be friends with, because the payoff of the overall relationship is worth it. I watched my ex go through some not-so-great stuff, but I loved him anyway. I loved him when he was crabby, distracted, exhausted, smelly, and so on. But he couldn't do that for me, and I'm not sure he has it in him. He does have a couple of female friends he's had for a long time -- I wonder what their take is on his issue.
beta Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 (edited) Sedg sweetie, WTF? How is it these men can have us feel so low when there are clearly a gynourmous amount of reasons not to?! Your position intrigues me (and almost scares me) 8 Mos later !? Am I still going to feel like this in 8mos? OR... Is it possible that the whole you not even wanting to look at his myspace page or listen to his music etc...was you delaying the grieving process? Were you rejecting the grieving process for months? Are you kinda now just going thru the "he's out of my life for good?! OMG" process? I'm with you though. **** night last night My ex-husband stays here sometimes with the kids (once a week or every two weeks) when he drops them off. He is still very angry (6mos) and we fought just before I left to stay with a gf (I normally don't like to stick around) I never thought in a million years he would ever lay a hand on me...he grabbed my arm (wrist) really hard. He's never done that before. The children were around...he's being such a ***! Between fighting with him and fighting with my emotions over bf, I am exhausted! AND...although I am a health junkie I freaking pigged out on crap last night! As my gf sat there incredulously watching me invade her children's left over halloween candy, I successfully inhaled about 5lbs of crap chocolate and 3 pounds of hydrogenated overkilled potato chips! Urgh. I need to get motivated to go running again! I wish I could live with my therapist for awhile! Edited April 6, 2008 by beta
stlnsmile Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 I think grief can sort of go differently for all of us. Sometimes it takes months just for the shock of what happened to wear off, then months more to even think about it a little, then months more to be angry, so it just could take a while. I hear Sedge going through some anger lately, so I think thats a good part to be in, because its what makes your realize what was actually done to you, and help you get over it. I think some relationships just take longer to get over. I've heard people talk about a year and more.......so I'm not overly concerned, but also feel that a therapist might help process some of this stuff quicker and help motivate you towards your own life. Its hard when you constantly feel punched in the gut to function and feel happy about what you are doing. At the same time, being stuck there for too long, makes forward motion impossible, and makes true freedom impossible. I mean your decisions are still tainted by the pain.....hope that make sense. If you don't have a therapist, I would suggest getting one. It will help you have someone to talk to and someone to process through all of these overwhelming emotions with. I mean its a death, and many people after loosing a loved one have to goto therapy.
Far Behind Posted April 6, 2008 Posted April 6, 2008 Today I'm having a rather down day. I did, however, go to yoga, so I'm making myself do stuff rather than wallow in it. Yesterday was a do nothing day. I am dealing with that emotional rollercoaster ride and I just hate it. Everything you guys are writing about I am experiencing as well. Today I am going through the How could he's and Why did he's? And I know the answer, it's because he is a commitment-phobic emotional cripple. Knowing that doesn't really ease the hurt though, for some odd reason. I am staying off of myspace. He deleted me off his anyway, and as it's set to private I can't see much other than his mood/status. He uses it to toy with me, I think. The other day his mood was "rockin'" Well, good for him! Rock this! I'm feeling frustrated and bitter today and I need to snap out of it before my kids get home from their dad's.
Author cat-power Posted April 6, 2008 Author Posted April 6, 2008 Well....my fireplace is fixed (the new colleague) He just left, we spent 8 hours together !! laughed a lot, went for dinner. And his dog likes me:laugh: I'll tell you, it's the best medicine for this crap, didn't think (or compare him to) Mike at all. Thought what i'm thinking now (I know it's mean) is that if the *rsehole does ever get back to me, i'll tell him i'm seeing someone else. Don't wanna jump into anything too soon though, I told him it's only been 6 weeks since we split (didn't tell hem Mike just dissapeared) And guess what, he was married, highschool love, they were together for 16 years, then lived with someone for 6 years, and had another gf for 3 months. I DON'T THINK this guy has commitment issues:o
Far Behind Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 Just go slow and have fun...don't be thinking relationship yet, just enjoy getting to know someone slowly, and don't rush. (I hope I can follow that advice when I meet someone new!)
daphne Posted April 7, 2008 Posted April 7, 2008 In not stating anything definitive, ambiguity leaves the door open for future contact, usually preceded by....excuses... You must have experienced this? Very, very true
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