Livid.

[Never_Again]

See, that's the part I find unfair. They BOTH had sex, but only the woman can choose whether to have the kid and raise it, or to get an abortion or adopt it out.

 

The man has NO say. If she decides to have it, the man just has to go along with it. I just know if it were reversed, it would stick in my craw a bit. Say the birth control fails, woman isn't on any but says it's safe, they have unsafe sex, any of these situations can happen, and the man will end up being a victim of the system.

 

And I was raised by a single mom. Whose father SOMETIMES paid support. So I'm looking at this from that angle as well. ANyway, that being said, I empathize with Never_Again's position to an extent, and this abstract "man/woman child support consent issue" is sort of off topic... I feel bad discussing it in her thread.... She needs our support right now.

 

Sorry, Nev.

 

I appreciate your support, Pink. I need all the support I can get.

[Never_Again]

81, PINK, Isis,

 

The questions I raised are largely moot for me, as I have no sexual interest in young women.

 

And I can guarantee you that they have no interest in you either, sweetheart!

[Never_Again]

Never again has the right to receive reasonable child support, no less, and certainly no more. Hopefully the 'Never Again' refers to the fact that she's learned the very painful lesson that the decision to do the MM thing in these circumstances has heavy financial, social, and emotional costs. I know from experience that single parenthood makes you pay and pay and pay, from all of these banks, until you are spent and exhausted. And then you get up and do it all over again the next day. So your perception that's she's leading a cushy life of sorts is probably off some.

 

I myself took advantage of government grants to complete college, along with about one year of government assitance in total before and after my child was born. I re-entered the workforce as a college graduate 9 months after his birth, and have been paying taxes without interruption on a growing income in the 12 years since. In the end it's money well spent and a benefit to society as a whole that outpaces what are in my opinion somewhat narrow and impractical arguments against it.

 

THANK YOU!!!

 

Yes, the never again refers to the fact that I will NEVER AGAIN be fooled by a man... married or not. Especially not my xmm, who has fooled me time and time again.

[Never_Again]

YOU took responsibility. You didn't sit & moan & groan over what someone "owed" you..or how someone else was managing their finances.

 

You, as a single mother, knew that it was your responsibility & yours alone, to pull this thing off. And by god, you did it, didn't you?

 

I think that's all the posters want for this OP. To open her eyes up to the facts.

 

The fact that she will never be able to depend on MM, nor his W, nor be a part of their lives. And most likely her child won't either.

 

That is it SHE who will have to bust butt for the next 18 years (plus 4 years of college).

 

The sooner she learns this the better off she is. Right now she is not taking responsibility. Everything is everybody else's fault.

 

She also feels that this family owes her something.

 

Are you blind, Isis??? I am not taking responsibility???? Okay, because once my child was born I just sat on my ass and went straight after xmm to pay all my bills. Or the government??

 

WRONG.

 

Everything my child gets is because of ME. My child is happy and healthy because of ME. I take 100% responsibility for how amazing my child is doing.

 

Additionally, I have had the financial burden 100% since I became pregnant, which isn't right.

 

The whole point of my rant is I am PISSED OFF that xMM gets to gallivant around and not contribute SH*T to my son while I have to work my ass off. Granted, I am happy to work my ass off. I LOVE school. And in 4 years, when I am making more than $200k a year, I can't wait to laugh in his face and I will not accept ANY of his money.

 

But while I am in school and struggling, I need the financial support that he should have been paying since the beginning. Why anyone on here thinks he should get off scott free is beyond me!

[Never_Again]

Not sure where you live, but where I live child support in cases like this are based solely on the "fathers" income. The BW is not a factor. She is not part of the case.

 

Also, if I were his wife, knowing that he has a child with an OW, I would have him sign a post-nuptial as part of the decision to stay married to the man. Hopefully she was smart enough to do that.

 

But then again, if I was his wife and he had a child with an OW, I wouldn't be his wife anymore, and I would have 50% of everything that he has and 100% of my income all to myself. Plus alimony and child support of my own.

 

So, you should be glad that she stayed married to the man. Had she left him, he would be paying her alimony and child support and you would certainly be left with only a few dollars. So when you say that they are messing around with your life, know that she did you a favor and you should leave her, her money and her purchases alone.

 

Deal with the MM for your CS and let the wife be. She never did anything to hurt you and if you feel that her extravagant purchases are messing with your life, maybe you should have a talk with her so she can tell you how she feels about what you have done (with her H, yes it's his fault as well) to mess with her life.

 

I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING TO THE WIFE. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THIS?!??!! HER MONEY IS HERS ALONE!!!!! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!

 

I SHOULD CHANGE MY SCREEN NAME TO "MISS_REDUNDANT"

[Never_Again]

Actually, it's none of your business what the BW does with her money. You have no say in anything the BW does. All you have is the MM's income and whatever the courts decide he should pay in CS.

 

The fact that you think you can have any say in how the BW spends HER money is ridiculous. It's not your decision on how they run their household. You are not a part of that family unit. Now, I do agree that the MM should pay CS for the child you had with him, but not with even one penny of the BW's money.

 

 

COME ON NOW, CLASS.... LET'S ALL SAY THIS IN UNISON: NEVER_AGAIN DOESN'T WANT ANY OF THE BW'S INCOME!!!

 

YAYYY!!!

[LakesideDream]

And I can guarantee you that they have no interest in you either, sweetheart!

 

 

Good for you Never Again. I'm truely impressed. You are doing the best you can and there is no higher achievement than sticking to that.

 

While I'm old, I am no longer a Republican, I've lived to long to continue to buy what they are selling.

 

I humbley apologise for misjudging you.

 

BTW, as for the comment above, it was pretty uncalled for. Personally I find it unseeming for a man my age to have lustfull attractions for young women his daughters age or younger. I have known many men who have, and it's very offputting to me.

 

Obviously I wouldn't expect a young vibrant woman just starting her life to have any romantic interest in me, or any other geezer for that matter. If I knew one that did I would discourage it immediately. While it might be flattering, it would be totally inappropriate.

 

Give me Cybill Sheppard, Meg Ryan or Cindy Crawford anyday! I find them much more interesting and attractive than Jessica Simpson or Beyonce .. Few things are as beguiling as life experiance.

[Never_Again]

Good for you Never Again. I'm truely impressed. You are doing the best you can and there is no higher achievement than sticking to that.

 

While I'm old, I am no longer a Republican, I've lived to long to continue to buy what they are selling.

 

I humbley apologise for misjudging you.

 

BTW, as for the comment above, it was pretty uncalled for. Personally I find it unseeming for a man my age to have lustfull attractions for young women his daughters age or younger. I have known many men who have, and it's very offputting to me.

 

Obviously I wouldn't expect a young vibrant woman just starting her life to have any romantic interest in me, or any other geezer for that matter. If I knew one that did I would discourage it immediately. While it might be flattering, it would be totally inappropriate.

 

Give me Cybill Sheppard, Meg Ryan or Cindy Crawford anyday! I find them much more interesting and attractive than Jessica Simpson or Beyonce .. Few things are as beguiling as life experiance.

 

I truly appreciate your apology, lakeside. I really took offense to the fact that since I was upset that my son's father was not taking any financial responsibility (which I was/am reasonably upset about) that you were lumping me into the "welfare single mom" category. When, in fact, I will be making triple the amount that xmm makes in just a few short years.

 

I am relieved and glad that you think that way in regards to young women. My xMM is around your age and he takes any young thing he can get.... which sickens me.

 

(and I am glad you aren't buying into the republican crap anymore.. that's probably the thing that made me smile the most about this comment!)

[norajane]

I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING TO THE WIFE. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THIS?!??!! HER MONEY IS HERS ALONE!!!!! THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!

 

I SHOULD CHANGE MY SCREEN NAME TO "MISS_REDUNDANT"

 

I think what people are trying to say is that, since they are a married couple, their combined income will be affected by child support payments. Therefore, ultimately, it is partly her money as well.

 

Example: They go out to the movies. He buys the tickets with HIS $20 and she buys the sodas, popcorn, and candy with HER $20. If he has to give you $10 of his money, he only has $10 for the tickets, which isn't enough. Therefore, she has to contribute the shortfall to buy the tickets, leaving her with only $10 for sodas and popcorn. HE has to pay you, but SHE is also feeling that effect.

 

Her money is the disposable income that buys the extras and frills for the family (like the boat or whatever they bought), and his money is used for the required tickets to see the movie (like their bills, mortgage, food, etc.). If he has less available for the required bills due to child support payments, they have no choice but to use her money for the same, therefore she then has less disposable income. Meaning, the final result is that yes, you are getting money that she would otherwise have because their income as a couple is decreased in total.

 

Regardless of your intention to take only what is due for child support out of HIS income, hers is also affected. There's no way around that, of course, but that's the viewpoint being expressed here.

[Never_Again]

I think what people are trying to say is that, since they are a married couple, their combined income will be affected by child support payments. Therefore, ultimately, it is partly her money as well.

 

Example: They go out to the movies. He buys the tickets with HIS $20 and she buys the sodas, popcorn, and candy with HER $20. If he has to give you $10 of his money, he only has $10 for the tickets, which isn't enough. Therefore, she has to contribute the shortfall to buy the tickets, leaving her with only $10 for sodas and popcorn. HE has to pay you, but SHE is also feeling that effect.

 

Her money is the disposable income that buys the extras and frills for the family (like the boat or whatever they bought), and his money is used for the required tickets to see the movie (like their bills, mortgage, food, etc.). If he has less available for the required bills due to child support payments, they have no choice but to use her money for the same, therefore she then has less disposable income. Meaning, the final result is that yes, you are getting money that she would otherwise have because their income as a couple is decreased in total.

 

Regardless of your intention to take only what is due for child support out of HIS income, hers is also affected. There's no way around that, of course, but that's the viewpoint being expressed here.

 

I get it now, NJ. I was so lost for a while.

 

I understand everything you said, and I empathize with the wife 100%. However, he still has a financial responsibility to his child. He hasn't taken it yet, but he should be and he WILL be soon.

 

I honestly don't think it is unreasonable for me to be upset at him for not taking any of the financial burdens that I have been dealing with. He contributed just as much as I did in the creation of this beautiful child. Therefore, he should pay for him.

 

If this affects his household, I understand and feel awful for them.... but, it's only going to be for a few years until I am out of school and making what they BOTH make and THEN some!! Then I will be happy to leave them alone for the rest of my life!!!

[LakesideDream]

Never Again,

 

Additionally, I believe it's the responsibility of every man to support his children, inside or outside of marriage. I would however have serious qualms if purposfull decite were involved, as in a woman lying about her physical condition (claiming to have a tubal ligation, or of being infertile when not) which obviously is not your situation. Even in the cases above I would still err on the side of responsibility because the examples above cannot amount to more than a miniscule percentage of the vast number of dead beat dads out there.

 

Today's society seems to allow many men who have fathered great numbers of children to skate by with a wink and a nod. A very bad thing.

 

I hope your exMM steps up and accepts his responsibility with resignation. I am sad that you entered into a relationship with an "old geezer" like me. That's really a dead end for a young woman like you. While the sperm may remain motile, the rest of the guy... well isn't so much.

 

I can't imagine having the stamina to work.. then wash dishes, play catch, vacuum the rugs, build tree forts, and go camping with a 10 year old.. when I'm 67. Even with the excellent chance that I could afford to pay someone to do the other mundane tasks of life like removing snow, cutting lawns, painting the exterior (or interior) of the house... or even putting on the snow tires, all of which I can and do pay someone to do even though I am a batchlor, and totally unencumbered. I would not be so unencumbered with a young wife and child!

 

It would be grossly unfair to be the father / husband in a relationship that began with that much built in inequality. I am willing to admit that many (if not most) ment can't see far enough in front of their penis's to anticipate the possible future consequences of their actions.

 

The fact that your exMM did neglect to anticipate the consequences of his actions, while having an existing family with a young child (children?) at home is utterly incomprehensible to me.

[child_of_isis]

Ya know...there is no sense in getting defensive & calling people names & crap. We are just trying to get you to see it for what it is.

 

And what it is, is exactly what is pissing you off.

 

Yes, MM gets to gallavant around & spend money while you work your butt off. It is the way of the single mom.

 

Are you blind, Isis??? I am not taking responsibility???? Okay, because once my child was born I just sat on my ass and went straight after xmm to pay all my bills. Or the government??

 

WRONG.

 

Everything my child gets is because of ME. My child is happy and healthy because of ME. I take 100% responsibility for how amazing my child is doing.

 

Additionally, I have had the financial burden 100% since I became pregnant, which isn't right.

The whole point of my rant is I am PISSED OFF that xMM gets to gallivant around and not contribute SH*T to my son while I have to work my ass off. Granted, I am happy to work my ass off. I LOVE school. And in 4 years, when I am making more than $200k a year, I can't wait to laugh in his face and I will not accept ANY of his money.

 

But while I am in school and struggling, I need the financial support that he should have been paying since the beginning. Why anyone on here thinks he should get off scott free is beyond me!

[child_of_isis]

Well see, this is where you & I differ in opinion. I think ultimately, a woman should take responsibility for her own body.

 

And because you didn't...does not give you the right to to your righteous indignation of W not having to pay any bills in the family home.

 

Just take him to court, get the child support & stay out of their lives.

 

It is obvious that you are still connected emotionally to their lives. And truthfully, I think it has less to do with the child & more to do with W's cushy life.

 

I honestly don't think it is unreasonable for me to be upset at him for not taking any of the financial burdens that I have been dealing with. He contributed just as much as I did in the creation of this beautiful child. Therefore, he should pay for him.

 

[bentnotbroken]

I truly appreciate your apology, lakeside. I really took offense to the fact that since I was upset that my son's father was not taking any financial responsibility (which I was/am reasonably upset about) that you were lumping me into the "welfare single mom" category. When, in fact, I will be making triple the amount that xmm makes in just a few short years.

 

I am relieved and glad that you think that way in regards to young women. My xMM is around your age and he takes any young thing he can get.... which sickens me.

 

(and I am glad you aren't buying into the republican crap anymore.. that's probably the thing that made me smile the most about this comment!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a little cofused, do you have a son or daughter? And if MM is all the the things you describe, druggie,irresponisble, etc. why did you chose him to be with and have a child with?

 

Yeah, well I bet you wouldn't agree with him if you were a single mother who didn't purposely get pregnant and had to do everything on your own. I don't mind raising Her on my own, but I need (and legally deserve) some help from him. More than a few dollars every now and then.

[Never_Again]

Well see, this is where you & I differ in opinion. I think ultimately, a woman should take responsibility for her own body.

 

And because you didn't...does not give you the right to to your righteous indignation of W not having to pay any bills in the family home.

 

Just take him to court, get the child support & stay out of their lives.

 

It is obvious that you are still connected emotionally to their lives. And truthfully, I think it has less to do with the child & more to do with W's cushy life.

 

Well, that shows how much you know. I want nothing to do with their lives. They are the ones who contacted me.

 

I did take responsibility for my own body by continuing with the pregnancy and taking care of my child 100%. I don't know where you get off in thinking that just because I decided to continue with the pregnancy and have my child, that his father should be able to skate by without taking any financial responsibility. That just boggles me.

 

I will take him to court. I have stayed out of their lives. And this is 100% to do with my son not getting his fair share while xmm skates by. 100%.

[Never_Again]

I am a little cofused, do you have a son or daughter? And if MM is all the the things you describe, druggie,irresponisble, etc. why did you chose him to be with and have a child with?

 

Yeah, well I bet you wouldn't agree with him if you were a single mother who didn't purposely get pregnant and had to do everything on your own. I don't mind raising Her on my own, but I need (and legally deserve) some help from him. More than a few dollars every now and then.

 

I loved him at one point and was deceived into thinking that he was someone he wasn't.

 

I have a son, that was a typo. I was on my way out of the door and in a rush.

[bentnotbroken]

I loved him at one point and was deceived into thinking that he was someone he wasn't.

 

I have a son, that was a typo. I was on my way out of the door and in a rush.

 

 

Thanks for the clarification.

[OWoman]

I think what people are trying to say is that, since they are a married couple, their combined income will be affected by child support payments. Therefore, ultimately, it is partly her money as well.

 

Example: They go out to the movies. He buys the tickets with HIS $20 and she buys the sodas, popcorn, and candy with HER $20. If he has to give you $10 of his money, he only has $10 for the tickets, which isn't enough. Therefore, she has to contribute the shortfall to buy the tickets, leaving her with only $10 for sodas and popcorn. HE has to pay you, but SHE is also feeling that effect.

 

Her money is the disposable income that buys the extras and frills for the family (like the boat or whatever they bought), and his money is used for the required tickets to see the movie (like their bills, mortgage, food, etc.). If he has less available for the required bills due to child support payments, they have no choice but to use her money for the same, therefore she then has less disposable income. Meaning, the final result is that yes, you are getting money that she would otherwise have because their income as a couple is decreased in total.

 

Regardless of your intention to take only what is due for child support out of HIS income, hers is also affected. There's no way around that, of course, but that's the viewpoint being expressed here.

 

NJ, I disagree. He can cut his suit to fit his cloth, in a way that DOESN'T affect his W's income. As per your example above, he could opt out of the popcorn & drinks, so that the lesser amount of money still covered what was required - or he could opt out of the movies all together, letting the rest of the family go. After all, he's already had his fun, hasn't he? Their turn now...

 

If he wants to maintain the same standard of living, what stops HIM getting another job? He had enough time for a second woman, why not devote that to a second job to support the second family HE created?

 

NA, I say nail the guy! I've raised kids as a single parent without a cent from their father, and while it's certainly possible, it does come at a cost. Working hard to make ends meet deprives you - and your son - of some of the together time he'd elsewise have had, and that you can never make up. My kids respect my choices, but I know that at the time it was difficult for them when the other mothers could be at school activities while I had to work. Your son deserves the best you can offer him, and that best involves nailing his deadbeat dad to his responsibilities.

 

As for the impact on his other family - frankly, that's HIS problem, not yours. He should have thought of that upfront, and he's certainly going to have to think of that now. HE'S the one who needs to deal with the fallout of his own actions; you're not his parent that has to protect him from himself. Your only parental responsibility is toward your son.

 

Good luck - I hope the courts are fair. (I don't know US law at all, it seems a bit bizarre to me.)

[BareGoddess]

Ok, I didn't read every single response but just wanted to say this. You seem very upset that this couple is buying luxury items.

 

When I met my H, he was divorced and paying child support. Child support was reviewed periodically (forget how often now) and was increased/decreased based on my H's income...not our income together.

 

Now, after we married and I was working, our income went up. We took trips, redecorated, etc. etc. etc. But that had NO bearing on the amount of child support paid. In fact, H made less some years and child support was decreased even though our joint income had increased due to my income.

 

So I did want to clear that up. You keep claiming you don't want HER money, but you resent that they're buying luxuries. You have absolutely no say in whether she contributes to the bills or not.

 

In fact, my H and I used my income solely as disposable income/savings while he paid all the bills for awhile. Although I did put extra down on the mortgage as well.

 

You have absolutely NO say in what their financial arrangement is. She's not legally obligated to contribute anything to their bills. And what would you do if she was a stay-at-home mom?

 

So my advice? Sop worrying about what they buy/don't buy. It's none of your business. Accept that they will have a better lifestyle than you do, at least until you finish school, and maybe even after that. That's the way it is. We all make our own choices.

 

And finally, yes, of course you should pursue child support. But I do want to mention that he's not obligated to pay for your lawyer. You can't make him, as you've indicated.

 

Good luck.

[Never_Again]

Accept that they will have a better lifestyle than you do, at least until you finish school, and maybe even after that. That's the way it is. We all make our own choices.

 

And finally, yes, of course you should pursue child support. But I do want to mention that he's not obligated to pay for your lawyer. You can't make him, as you've indicated.

 

Good luck.

 

 

First of all, let me state that I do NOT WANT their lifestyle. I think my life is much more rich and fulfilling than theirs. The only thing I want is for my son to get what is due to him. That's it. Period. Should I say it one more time?

 

And, actually, he would be required to pay for my lawyer if HE has a lawyer since he makes more than me. I am sure I know more about the law than you, trust me on this one.

[mistresswchildren]

First of all, let me state that I do NOT WANT their lifestyle. I think my life is much more rich and fulfilling than theirs. The only thing I want is for my son to get what is due to him. That's it. Period. Should I say it one more time?

 

And, actually, he would be required to pay for my lawyer if HE has a lawyer since he makes more than me. I am sure I know more about the law than you, trust me on this one.

 

This is actually true. If he had been willing to sign an agreement or had been paying you child support on his own, then you would have no need for a lawyer. The act of going to a lawyer was brought on by the fact that this man chose not to take responsibility for his actions. The courts look at this. The court would prefer to spend its time and energy on children that are in situations where they are beaten, not securing child support because the guy won't pay up. This man is just causing them more unnecessary paperwork. If he had taken responsibility in the first place, they wouldn't have to hear the case. This is why YOU WILL GET ATTORNEY'S FEES IN MOST CASES. I have been through this already, so trust me it happens. For all of those people out there who thinks that he cannot be held responsible for it, you are WRONG. NA you'll get what you need for you child. Just hang in there. It is a bumpy ride with very few rewards, but it is what is right for your child.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

What would have us do? Take the blame for EVERYTHING? I'm sorry but we are not responsible for EVERYTHING. Unless we drugged the person to make them sleep with us, it was not just our choice. He was VERY involved here.

Well, WHOSE choice was it to continue the pregnancy? I'm SURE it wasn't his. And he didn't really GET to be a part of that decision, now did he?

 

So yes, the one who OPTS to continue the pregnancy has bought her ticket.

 

The fact that the cheating slimeball should have kept his pants zipped goes without saying.

 

But it's the WOMAN who makes the final choice.

 

And the original poster CHOSE to be a single mother and now she's crying that MM and his wife aren't living in the poor house so she can get as much money from him as she can?

 

Jesus.

[child_of_isis]

See...that is my whole point...the only "fair share" your son will ever get is what you get for him.

 

Don't look for a man to do it for you.

 

Grow the hell up & take care of your kid. While being a single mother, there is no "fair Share".

 

 

It's anything but.

 

And this is 100% to do with my son not getting his fair share while xmm skates by. 100%.

[vanilla chai]

Well it is harsh. Because it is my business if she isn't contributing to their household when she makes almost as much money as him and yet he is paying all of the bills so he "doesn't have" any money to send to our son.

 

That is ridiculous.

 

How do you know the wife isn't contributing her fair share? For some reason you're angry with his wife.

[child_of_isis]

You.

Had.

A .

Child.

 

The only thing "due" to him is what you can give him.

This is your kid...it is never gonna be anybody else's.

 

Why aren't you grasping this?

First of all, let me state that I do NOT WANT their lifestyle. I think my life is much more rich and fulfilling than theirs. The only thing I want is for my son to get what is due to him. That's it. Period. Should I say it one more time?

 

And, actually, he would be required to pay for my lawyer if HE has a lawyer since he makes more than me. I am sure I know more about the law than you, trust me on this one.