The Other Woman

[UnusuallyUnusual]

I can tell you that the biggest reason why as a MW I had an ea with a mm was because at that time I was in a very troubled marriage. I am not proud of my choice..I choose the wrong road. I assume you are married? If so how is your marriage?

 

AP:)

 

I am not married. I am divorced. The worst part about this is that I was the MW and my ex-husband was the MM having the A. (I'm getting good with these single letters and their meanings). I swore I would NEVER put another woman through what I had gone through and what ultimately ruined my marriage. Yet here I am.

[Meaplus3]

I am not married. I am divorced. The worst part about this is that I was the MW and my ex-husband was the MM having the A. (I'm getting good with these single letters and their meanings). I swore I would NEVER put another woman through what I had gone through and what ultimately ruined my marriage. Yet here I am.

 

Thanks for giving me a better picture here. Well.. then you need to think about how you felt when you were the one that was beign cheated on. If you keep this up with mm your are going to hurt his wife and will ruin his family. Can you live with that? I don't mean to sound harsh here..I am simply trying to help.

 

AP:)

[Owl]

The psychology behind all of this is really irrelevant.

 

Its waaaayyyy too easy to allow yourself to focus on that, and avoid actively doing anything to fix the situation.

 

You say you don't want to end it.

 

That's fine...that's your choice. That means that you're willing to accept all of those things that go along with that choice...they become your responsibility.

 

That would include the list that MWC put down for you:

What do you have to lose?

your heart (as someone already said)

your rational mind

your dignity

your self respect

your chance at a healthy relationship (when you are in an A you do not seek another relationship)

your ability to love and/or trust another human being

your sense of self (you no longer know who you are because these actions are not typical of the person you know yourself to be)

 

 

It would also include the intent to hurt his wife and his children by taking the love and attention and time that he should be spending on them...in other words, it means that you CHOOSE to be that OW that you said you'd never be. It means that you CHOOSE to be exactly like the woman your H had an affair with before.

 

Is that what you CHOOSE to be/do?

 

Or do you CHOOSE to be more than that?

[beta]

My guess is that the majority of cheating MM's stay in the M due to the financial obligations and distance they would have from their children and not because they love their w.

 

In any case- get out before you invest too much. You are very likely to get hurt. Even IF he ends up with you- I promise you it will be a difficult and hurtfull clime before that happens.

 

 

totally agree

[Lizzie60]

How often do men cheat

 

I would say most MM cheat... at one point in their M... those who don't.. fantasize a lot about it..

 

 

and how often does the "other woman" actually become more than just sex?

 

I would again say that, in general, the A is just about sex... but there are a few exceptions .. I was one of those exceptions over 40 years ago..

 

I'm having affairs now and they're all about sex. I can't complain as this is the way I want it.. no emotional commitment.

[beta]

The whole point of this forum is NOT to get to know each other! lol

 

I think it happens way more than you think!

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Well, this morning was my first taste of being the OW and feeling the hurt. Even though it has only happened a few times, he said this morning that it is too risky and that we shouldn't see each other again. Wow... I feel disappointment, hurt, rejection, everything you all said I would feel and I swore I wouldn't.

 

I now know that it really MUST end, and it did. Although I wouldn't say my heart was involved, you were all right, it most definetely would have gotten that way, and fast!!!

 

Thanks again to all of you. I hope I can use some of my own expertise on other subjects to help you all in the future!

[whichwayisup]

I now know that it really MUST end, and it did. Although I wouldn't say my heart was involved, you were all right, it most definetely would have gotten that way, and fast!!!

 

Imagine how you'd be feeling if you had to try to end it in a year or even 6 months. Right now it hurts but you'll get over it quicker. You aren't deeply emotionally invested like you would have been if you had allowed yourself to go on longer with him.

 

Stay strong and do not allow yourself to be manipulated back in if he comes sniffing around looking for an ego boost and attention from you. DO NOT mistake that for him "loving you" or "wanting a relationship with you."

[smartgirl]

My understanding... the majority of MM (more than 50% of all of them) have cheated or will cheat on their W's at some point in the M.

 

And the majority of those cheating MM's love their W's and don't want to leave the M for the OW.

 

I've also noticed that there is a great deal of confusion and uncertainty in the typical MM's mind regarding his feelings for the OW. He's just not too sure about the whole thing. Hence the lying, flip-flopping, throw-her-under-the-bus behavior.

 

My advice? Get a dog.

 

I think this is pretty accurate. With so many women in the workforce now, opportunity for friendships between sexes is common and many of those will lead to affairs. Some people are more focused on the opportunity for sex.

 

If the man is any kind of decent person whatsoever (plenty of decent people cheat) he will find it hard not to become emotionally connected to a woman he has become infatuated with and then started having sex with. As he becomes closer yet to this woman through physical and emotional intimacy he may have increasing difficulty feeling intimate or emotionally connected to his wife. Now he is in between and not sure which way to go.

 

The man may begin to feel he is in love. There are different types of love though. If the A goes on long enough, the MM may come to realize that he is actually more compatible with his W and doesn't really want to leave. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for his OW, but he realizes that he might have been swept up in the high heat and emotion of the A and thought there was more potential to the A relationship than there really was.

 

Statistically? Based on studies I have read about, a relatively small percentage of MM actually leave their wives/families for OW. Of those, the majority (not all, so don't everyone jump) will leave in the first three months. The percentage who leave after that is estimated at less than 1%. Of affair partners who ultimately marry, 75% of those marriages fail. I have seen these study results reported in many books and articles so I don't think it is made up.

[smartgirl]

I'm glad the two of you have put an end to this already. You hurt now, but it would be so much worse later on.

 

But stay strong. My H broke up with his OW twice in the first two months. She was not willing to take no for an answer and the fact that she still wanted him so bad fed his ego and infatuation. So it went on a year and there is plenty of damage all around.

[Mustang Sally]

Well, this morning was my first taste of being the OW and feeling the hurt. Even though it has only happened a few times, he said this morning that it is too risky and that we shouldn't see each other again. Wow... I feel disappointment, hurt, rejection, everything you all said I would feel and I swore I wouldn't.

 

I now know that it really MUST end, and it did. Although I wouldn't say my heart was involved, you were all right, it most definetely would have gotten that way, and fast!!!

 

Thanks again to all of you. I hope I can use some of my own expertise on other subjects to help you all in the future!

Good for you!

I hope it continues down this path, for your sake.

 

I think, when it comes to validation, most humans are really crack-addicted rats. We know that pushing the button will eventually lead to our ultimate demise, but we love the euphoria so much, that we deny to ourselves the known outcome and keep pushing the button anyway.

 

Add to that the competitive edge that exists when one is "luring" a MM away from someone else (his wife) and...well, you have a real recipe for disaster.

 

And one is very unlikely to keep one's emotions out of it. If you do manage not to develop an emotional attachment to the guy, then at the very least, your esteem will become attached to the ego-strokes you get from this attached (there's that competition-thing, again!) guy paying such devoted attention to you. And then when the A finally progresses to the point where the guy is having to make choices between his "real" life and you...and sometimes the "real" life wins out? It's going to hurt.

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Imagine how you'd be feeling if you had to try to end it in a year or even 6 months. Right now it hurts but you'll get over it quicker. You aren't deeply emotionally invested like you would have been if you had allowed yourself to go on longer with him.

 

Stay strong and do not allow yourself to be manipulated back in if he comes sniffing around looking for an ego boost and attention from you. DO NOT mistake that for him "loving you" or "wanting a relationship with you."

 

Good call, I guess I didn't think ahead (again) to what I would do if he did come back for more. I won't let him back in. It would just be hurting myself once again. I'm dumb... I sooo knew better!!!

[UnusuallyUnusual]

I don't think he'll be coming around any time soon. (Due to intense guilt about the VERY short-term A) If he does, I will have to stay strong. You guys on here really do rock! I never thought that just by joining a forum that it would be this helpful. I've always relied on my "real-life friends" but with this situation, I didn't even want to tell my closest ones. You have all been my friends for the past few days, and I thank you all!

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Good for you!

I hope it continues down this path, for your sake.

 

I think, when it comes to validation, most humans are really crack-addicted rats. We know that pushing the button will eventually lead to our ultimate demise, but we love the euphoria so much, that we deny to ourselves the known outcome and keep pushing the button anyway.

 

Add to that the competitive edge that exists when one is "luring" a MM away from someone else (his wife) and...well, you have a real recipe for disaster.

 

And one is very unlikely to keep one's emotions out of it. If you do manage not to develop an emotional attachment to the guy, then at the very least, your esteem will become attached to the ego-strokes you get from this attached (there's that competition-thing, again!) guy paying such devoted attention to you. And then when the A finally progresses to the point where the guy is having to make choices between his "real" life and you...and sometimes the "real" life wins out? It's going to hurt.

Yes. In fact, HE began to develop feelings for ME after only a few times. That is when and why he ended it. (Or so he says... heh)

[Meaplus3]

I don't think he'll be coming around any time soon. (Due to intense guilt about the VERY short-term A) If he does, I will have to stay strong. You guys on here really do rock! I never thought that just by joining a forum that it would be this helpful. I've always relied on my "real-life friends" but with this situation, I didn't even want to tell my closest ones. You have all been my friends for the past few days, and I thank you all!

 

Keep reading and posting it helps so much! You can do this because you are strong. Keep the faith. hugs.

 

AP:)

[child_of_isis]

He'll be back. Right now he is feeling guilt & fear. He'll go home & cozy up to W to make sure she is not suspicious about anything.

 

After the guilt & fear within himself dies down, he will get brave again.

 

Prepare yourself.

Well, this morning was my first taste of being the OW and feeling the hurt. Even though it has only happened a few times, he said this morning that it is too risky and that we shouldn't see each other again. Wow... I feel disappointment, hurt, rejection, everything you all said I would feel and I swore I wouldn't.

 

I now know that it really MUST end, and it did. Although I wouldn't say my heart was involved, you were all right, it most definetely would have gotten that way, and fast!!!

 

Thanks again to all of you. I hope I can use some of my own expertise on other subjects to help you all in the future!

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Good for you!

I hope it continues down this path, for your sake.

 

I think, when it comes to validation, most humans are really crack-addicted rats. We know that pushing the button will eventually lead to our ultimate demise, but we love the euphoria so much, that we deny to ourselves the known outcome and keep pushing the button anyway.

 

Add to that the competitive edge that exists when one is "luring" a MM away from someone else (his wife) and...well, you have a real recipe for disaster.

 

And one is very unlikely to keep one's emotions out of it. If you do manage not to develop an emotional attachment to the guy, then at the very least, your esteem will become attached to the ego-strokes you get from this attached (there's that competition-thing, again!) guy paying such devoted attention to you. And then when the A finally progresses to the point where the guy is having to make choices between his "real" life and you...and sometimes the "real" life wins out? It's going to hurt.

 

He'll be back. Right now he is feeling guilt & fear. He'll go home & cozy up to W to make sure she is not suspicious about anything.

 

After the guilt & fear within himself dies down, he will get brave again.

 

Prepare yourself.

 

You really think he will? He said today in a lengthly email that he will never cheat on his wife again. EVER.

 

Maybe I should post the entire email and let you guys pick it apart for me! You all are so much better at seeing the big picture than I am!!!

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Awww... you guys really are great!!!

[child_of_isis]

He's lying. He is afraid right now. Post the e-mail.

You really think he will? He said today in a lengthly email that he will never cheat on his wife again. EVER.

 

Maybe I should post the entire email and let you guys pick it apart for me! You all are so much better at seeing the big picture than I am!!!

[child_of_isis]

Okay...I gotta add more ;-)

 

Wait until their first big blow out after the A.

 

Maybe he will cause it himself....it will take a little while, but the format will be along the lines of this....:

 

He is feeling all brave now, thinking about you from time to time. Wifey gets PMS, won't give him none. He convinces himself that she is sexually cold. Blow up!!!!!!!

 

He calls you. You are a bit receptive. He picks a few more fights. She gets pissy & won't give him any.....BLOW up!!!!..

 

He starts calling you from time to time. Silently daring her to make a wrong move!!!

 

By this time, he has convinced himself the M has been dead for years. His W has been a frigid & cold nag for years.......

 

he is pissy, she is pissy...BLOW UP after BLOW UP!!!

 

He finds himself in a full blown A...

 

lol...see how this works? Seriously, this is how it goes in the pea brain between the MM legs.

 

You really think he will? He said today in a lengthly email that he will never cheat on his wife again. EVER.

 

Maybe I should post the entire email and let you guys pick it apart for me! You all are so much better at seeing the big picture than I am!!!

Edited April 5, 2008 by child_of_isis

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Keep reading and posting it helps so much! You can do this because you are strong. Keep the faith. hugs.

 

AP:)

 

He's lying. He is afraid right now. Post the e-mail.

Here's the email I got this afternoon. Please help me decode this and tell me what I might expect from this point. Thanks guys!!!

 

"Look...there just seems to be to much of a connection here. We finish....we cuddle...talk ....get to know each other....there seems to be emotion getting into this on both sides and that is bad. I can't let that happen. Plus you have a hard time justifying it to yourself....and you shouldn't have to. It shouldn't be happening. Your absolutely right about that. And I feel like **** for doing it...because I love my wife...I really do. And to love her and betray her is tearing me up. So there is conflicting sides in both of us and it will be better to end it now. Because no matter how long we both could do it, it has only one place it can go....nowhere. You are a special, beautiful woman....you don't need married men. that is so far beneath you. And I'm sorry I had any part in leading to this. You deserve better. And you can do so much better. You know the feeling of finding out you've been cheated on...and I don't want to put my wife through that. She is a far better person than I ever hope to be and she should never know that kind of pain. And your wrong...I'm not a good man. I'm the worst kind of man....I have everything any man could ever want sitting at home waiting for me...and i don't appreciate the sacrifices she has made to be a great mom and wife. I'm an ******* and I hate myself right now. Please do better than me. I'll never tell her and I'll never be unfaithful to her again. You both deserve that. I'm sorry."

 

There ya go... let me have it!!!

[Lizzie60]

Well it says what it says..he's straightforward.. he wants to end the A..

 

Just email him back..

 

'Thanks it was fun'

 

and move on..

[child_of_isis]

Yup! Guilt.

 

Save the e-mail & read it to him after he has convinced himself (and you) that she is a horrible person...lol Did you read my other post after that one?

 

I am still giggling over it.

 

 

Here's the email I got this afternoon. Please help me decode this and tell me what I might expect from this point. Thanks guys!!!

 

"Look...there just seems to be to much of a connection here. We finish....we cuddle...talk ....get to know each other....there seems to be emotion getting into this on both sides and that is bad. I can't let that happen. Plus you have a hard time justifying it to yourself....and you shouldn't have to. It shouldn't be happening. Your absolutely right about that. And I feel like **** for doing it...because I love my wife...I really do. And to love her and betray her is tearing me up. So there is conflicting sides in both of us and it will be better to end it now. Because no matter how long we both could do it, it has only one place it can go....nowhere. You are a special, beautiful woman....you don't need married men. that is so far beneath you. And I'm sorry I had any part in leading to this. You deserve better. And you can do so much better. You know the feeling of finding out you've been cheated on...and I don't want to put my wife through that. She is a far better person than I ever hope to be and she should never know that kind of pain. And your wrong...I'm not a good man. I'm the worst kind of man....I have everything any man could ever want sitting at home waiting for me...and i don't appreciate the sacrifices she has made to be a great mom and wife. I'm an ******* and I hate myself right now. Please do better than me. I'll never tell her and I'll never be unfaithful to her again. You both deserve that. I'm sorry."

 

There ya go... let me have it!!!

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Yes I read the next one and it is soooo typical. I actually did that when I was married but NOT to have an A but just to get out of the damn house!!! lol. I used to pick fights and then get out and have an excuse to go shopping.

 

So even after reading that whole email, you STILL think he will come back for more??? I really don't think he will! Didn't he end it quite obviously???

[UnusuallyUnusual]

Well it says what it says..he's straightforward.. he wants to end the A..

 

Just email him back..

 

'Thanks it was fun'

 

and move on..

So Lizzie, you think he means what he wrote? Or is he feeling the situation out? And I have decided not to write back at all. I can't say "thanks it was fun", it's just not my style. Thanks though!!!