How do I emotionally disconnect in the same house with hubby?

[mariebb]

On a scale of 1-10 my marriage is a 15 for being dysfunctional. Although neither of us drink, drug or have anyone else in the picture we are miserable. My husband completely ignores me and has emotionally abandoned me for the last three years. He doesn't look at me, he rarely talks to me that is not task related or child care matters. He rarely touches me - sex is NEVER initiated by hiim and I have to whine, beg and plead before he'll begrudgingly do it. Last year we had sex 4 times!!! I'd have it everyother day if I could! He insists he is like this because of years of resentment (been married 8 years) over things like me leaving my socks on the floor, me leaving apple peels on the counter, not keeping the van clean, not wanting to move where he wants to move, not liking team sports etc. I have tried and tried to clear up our problems but its always me doing the work and him doing nothing. I make the couples nights out, he never does and then he sits there staring at his dinner plate and refusing to talk, even though I try a meridian of guy related conversation topics. I've now stopped doing this. We went for MC last fall and the therapist gave us "homework" - talking 10 min a day not child related, and physical contact 3 times a week for at least 10min (not necessarily sex) - during that homework (that lasted only one week before he refused to do it any longer) I got pregnant with our 4th child. Problems developed with the baby and our precious little son was stillborn last month. I am in serious grief and my husband is being a complete @ss. Yesterday night I lay in bed sobbing in my pillow - he's two inches away from me but refuses to lean over and hug me or support me - after 30 min of me quietly crying, he starts yelling "shut the f___ up!!! Just shut up!! For f-----'s sake just quit it!!!" This is how compassionate and loving he is toward me. He is currently refusing MC even though I want it to work things out.

 

I'm now at my wits end - I'm grieving and he has retracted even more instead of coming around and supporting me at my lowest of low times in life. I can't separate from him right now - I'm a mess with grief, I'm not sleeping, I'm not myself and I have three children under 4 (all from IVF, he rarely has sex with me remember) My question for you guys - how do I emotionally disconnect from him while living in the same house as he? I can't live like this. Any suggestions would be very helpful.

 

Marie

[TheRain]

I think he is having an affair. At least an emotional affair. Do you know where he is 24/7? Do you know any ladies from his work whom he may be having a connection with? You need to look into that.

[Citizen Erased]

If he treats you like that, this is not about you leaving your socks on the floor.

 

There could be a number of reasons, not necessarily he is cheating, but there is something he is not telling you. This is more than resentment

[mariebb]

He's really angry at his life and i think he's taking it out on me. He suffered serious long term abuse as a child and although he persistenly denies that his anger comes from this, I think it is. I really doubt he's having an affair though. I work at the same company as he and I know where he is and who he is with 98% of the time due to our tracking system at work. He rarely does anything outside the house when he's on time off, so I would really doubt it, although I suppose anything is possible. He's always had a very low sex drive, even when we were first dating - its just gotten worse with him in the last couple years. Thanks for your input.

[Nomad1]

Understand that you can't change him. Any change has to come from him. BUT you can change you. People always want what they can't have. They pursue it because they can't handle the rejection. Once you understand this, you will stop pursuing him and start living for you. If no affair is involved, then you can help him by giving him more of what he wants....time and space! You will need a lot of patience, but if you really love him, start doing things for yourself and the kids. Invite him to join in if he wishes to, if not just go ahead and enjoy your life with your kids. It is not normal to be sad and detached all the time. There must be a reason. I hope he will tell you what it is when he is ready.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[Ladyjane14]

Yesterday night I lay in bed sobbing in my pillow - he's two inches away from me but refuses to lean over and hug me or support me - after 30 min of me quietly crying, he starts yelling "shut the f___ up!!! Just shut up!! For f-----'s sake just quit it!!!" This is how compassionate and loving he is toward me. He is currently refusing MC even though I want it to work things out.

 

I think you'd do well to get into some grief counseling. It's going to be hard for you to make a decision about the marriage while you're still grief-stricken. You need clarity for making a choice of this magnitude, and you won't get it until you've dealt with your loss.

 

Now, I don't want you to think I agree with your husband's behavior. I don't. But... this little example you've posted here makes me think he's a guy who's easily overwhelmed by emotions. Often, a man who's having trouble identifying and processing emotional information shows it in angry outbursts.

 

It's quite possible that he has NO IDEA how to deal with you when you're emotional. And because it often makes men feel inadequate when they're faced with a problem they can't solve, you end up seeing frustration and then anger.

[carhill]

How old are you?

 

Did one of you want to have a child "more"?

 

How is your husband with the children? Does he share parenting tasks?

 

Did your husband ever receive therapy for his abuse as a child?

 

I'm going to opine he's depressed, possibly clinically. When was the last time he had a full physical?

 

In any event, I empathize with you feeling emotionally abandoned. Nothing worse than feeling utterly alone in a marriage. If you can afford IC, I'd get that. Talk to your doctor about ideas to help you deal with the stress and sleep issues.

 

I hope that, at some point, your husband can see that what he's doing now affects your children, just like he was affected in a different way by the abuse he suffered as a child. If he can see that light, perhaps it can be an impetus for change.

 

I wish you well

Edited April 4, 2008 by carhill

[mariebb]

Thank you guys, each one of your for your input - its really helpful to me. And just to have someone say to me that being alone and abandoned in our relsp is not normal. To answer some questions - no, he's never received counselling for his past (he will start next week - on his own), I'm 42, he's 40 - we had years of infertility then turned to IVF. This last baby was a natural big surprise - I wanted it badly right from the start. He was upset at first but warmed up to the thought of another. My husband is outstanding around the house - he cleans obsessively, he tidys stuff, folds wash, organizes toys - even though he doesn't have to. He's crabby and harsh with the kids a lot, and has little tolerance for their kid actions. But when he's nice with him he's great. The main issue is that he completely abandons me emotionally and physically. Yes, you know, he may be depressed - hadn't thought of that because his sleep and his diet remain unchanged ( major symptoms of depression as I know it).

 

Nomad, I agree with you.

 

marie

[Ladyjane14]

.... he may be depressed - hadn't thought of that because his sleep and his diet remain unchanged ( major symptoms of depression as I know it).

 

Anger is probably the BIGGEST symptom in male depression. And your husband is just about at the right age for midlife crisis. Not everyone believes there is such a thing... but I think there really is credence to the idea that there's a certain amount of biochemical adjustment at the male midlife which seems to affect the neurotransmitters. Research... serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, neurotransmitters, male midlife

 

Here's an article on Male Depression which will give you a list of symptoms:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/male-depression/MC00041

 

And there's a book out, which I haven't had an opportunity to read yet... but might be just the thing:

The Irritable Male Syndrome: Managing the Four Key Causes of Depression and Aggression

by Jed Diamond