Wife not interested in counseling

[car2007]

Fairly long history, but in a nutshell: Married 15 years, bad communication, no passion (never really was) but there were good times too. Over time, I became depressed at my inability to connect with her or her with me (I did not recognize this until I started IC). I cheated, then she cheated with my consent but still resents (of course) my cheating. Turns out, she had an EA with this guy a couple years ago but it didn't turn into a PA then. I broke off my PA months ago thinking I didn't give my marriage enough of a chance. She is still in hers, seeing the guy about once a week. I've told her I'm not going to tell her not to see him; she has to decide that for herself. He's married too but he's not leaving his sitch and my wife doesn't want our marriage to break up.

 

She says she wants to stay together but doesn't want to go to counseling because she doesn't think a counselor could give us any useful advice because our relationship is "complex". I agree it is complex but not so sure we couldn't benefit from talking with someone. I've been in IC for about 3 months and it has helped me to understand myself better and express myself better to her and in turn understand what she says to me better, but I still don't feel much of an emotional attachment to her. I feel no excitement or joy at the thought of being with her and going to dinner or to a movie or taking a vacation together. Also, she doesn't want to say anything to our 8 year old about why daddy sleeps in another room and doesn't go to grandma's house (wife's folks) with her and mommy. I thought it might be a good idea to talk to a marriage counselor if for nothing else than to figure out what, if anything, to tell our child. But she doesn't think its a good idea.

 

I've tried to encourage her to try IC for herself but she says she doesn't know what she would say. She's a very smart person (Vassar grad) and can talk circles around me when we have discussions about our marriage. She thinks the problem is with me because she says she's willing to just stay together and I should find a way to be satisfied with that and if I leave, its all on me. While I'm not convinced we can save our marriage with counseling, I think we should at least give it a try. Should I just stick it out for the sake of our child and hope things will get better or that she'll change her mind about counseling?

 

BTW, everyone knows about my PA but no one knows about hers. She has wanted to keep it secret and hasn't told ANYONE, but had no problem telling her friends and family about mine. She says its to protect him. No sour grapes here, what's done is done. I've kept her secret and I've been willing to own up to what I did but it seems just a bit hypocritical to me. But I cheated first so I guess I deserve it. Overall I feel much better now than throughout most of the marriage because I've realized I was afraid then to say what was on my mind about how I feel about her and our marriage, so I'm not really depressed anymore and will be able to handle what eventually could happen. Honestly I am still somewhat fearful to leave because of all that entails and the impact on our child, but I remember how unhappy I was before the affairs and really don't want to (can't) return to that.

 

I'm willing to be patient for now, but really don't want this period of limbo to go on indefinately. While I am better able to express myself and we've been able to talk about our problems, that hasn't really resolved anything.

[smartgirl]

Your wife doesn't want to go to MC because she knows the counselor will tell her she needs to stop seeing OM and she doesn't want to stop.

 

What you did was wrong. Her doing what she is doing now is just as wrong. She doesn't get a pass on this.

 

She may be smart, but she is not being intelligent about her A. She is being selfish and cruel and frankly, she is playing you for a fool.

 

She is showing no redeeming qualities. You don't have any desire to be with her. Do not stay with this woman for any reason. First, gather any evidence you can that she is cheating before you leave or she will have the upper hand in any divorce and custody proceedings.

 

This is not a healthy environment for your daughter. Make it stop now.

[car2007]

This past weekend she agreed to family counseling. I've got an IC session tonight; I'm curious as to what my counselor will say.

[car2007]

Thank you, BTW, jmargel and smartgirl, for your replies. Yes; what I did was wrong. I know it and regret it. She started her PA while I was in the midst of mine so I didn't care. Now that I'm out of mine, I still really don't care. I'm mostly concerned about my daughter and the impact our splitting up could have on her. Even if my wife quits her relationship, that doesn't fix the problems we've had all these years.

[SnapCracklePop]

Thank you, BTW, jmargel and smartgirl, for your replies. Yes; what I did was wrong. I know it and regret it. She started her PA while I was in the midst of mine so I didn't care. Now that I'm out of mine, I still really don't care. I'm mostly concerned about my daughter and the impact our splitting up could have on her. Even if my wife quits her relationship, that doesn't fix the problems we've had all these years.

 

My situation is quite different - ie just marital issues... but I do have the same concern about my kids. But I have been thinking a lot about this lately... do kids *really* get affected by divorce, or is it affected by abandonment of one parent? They are definitely not the same, and divorce does not imply abandonment. If you have shared custody and you do put in your time, the thing that kids need is to feel loved and to know that their needs will be taken care of. The way that is delivered will change and will cause some stress, but change always causes stress (thing new job or new home...) Eventually, everything settles down and you gain that comfort level back.

 

To add to this - suppose you keep on as is right now. Exactly what are you showing your kids? Do you fight? Do you hug and kiss each other? Are the kids learning the wrong things from your behavior, or lack of expected behavior from parents that love each other? This is what I have been asking myself now.. my wife and I haven't really been affectionate in years... my kids could grow up into adults that don't know how to be loving and caring, which could be just as damaging as growing up in a volatile home.

 

But - I am not an expert... It would be nice to have someone elses thought on this suggestion too.

[car2007]

All good questions Gibson, the same ones I've been asking myself. It has been many years since my wife and I showed each other geniune affection as well, but we don't fight in front of the kid. If we've got something to say to one another related to our problems, we do it out of earshot or when she's not home. We talk about every day things and play with our daughter together, but it is not a "normal" husband and wife arrangement to be sure, especially regarding the sleeping arrangements.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

My feeling is this...If you two REALLY want to get on an even ground. You have to let both of your family and friends know of both of your infidelities. Getting it out in the open will make her face what she fears, that she has done as much wrong as you and that no one is perfect in this marriage. She has to face their is a problem and letting out and go may build those communications between you two. However, YOU have to make the choice on that end.

 

Second, if you want to really heal your marriage, the infidelity must stop on BOTH sides. There is no sense of stitching up an wound before one cleans out any possible infects. Your relationship is infectious to its core and it will take the BOTH of you to heal it or make up your minds and get the heck out of it. The child will suffer some, but not as bad as if he or she is living in a household where the parent's aren't acting in tandem to give him or her that peace and tranquility they deserve.

 

If you have a religious leader, talk to him or her. Look for spiritual guidance in your time of trouble. Pray, meditate, or whatever your personal belief is and seek out the answers to your questions as well as on here and other places...But, in the end you BOTH must be involved in this process or it is not going to work.

 

 

DNR