carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Sorry OP, I didn't recognize your handle. Yes, I remember the story you posted. I would spare no effort and expense to pursue the offending therapist civilly and criminally. Under such circumstances, though IANAL, I would council against any personal contact of any sort with the offender or his family. I would suggest, if not already done, to contact appropriate legal council and be apprised of your options and different scenarios. Don't contact them/her/whatever...that's my advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I don't know her story.. but if that's the case.. then she doesn't need to tell HIS wife.. but to call the police and have him charged.. simple.. The 'telling his wife' won't do anything IMO.. if he was in fact the therapist, abusing his client.. it's definitely not the W that needs to know this.. but the authority.. If she is mordicus to tell his W.. then it's solely for revenge.. IMO NO. It's not all about revenge. My ea is long, long over with xmm..and I still question as to if I should have told xmm's wife. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Lizzie not everyone has the same thought patterns that you do. Some people actually do feel guilt and look for ways to make amends. There are courses of action for living one's life. Even though yours suits you, it may not suit everyone. Actually I think the classic make amends phrase was "go, and sin no more" - nothing said about ripping someone else's heart out because you had a little guilt pang Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Lizzie, go click on her username and read up. This isn't just about kiss and tell, this is about a Therapist ABUSING his client and manipulating her, using her vunerablities/insecurities against her so HE could take her $$ and have an affair with her. This so - called T needs to have a lawsuit against him and not practice therapy anymore. I'm sure there are many other women he's done this to as well. She can't be the only one. Then it should be a criminal matter, not the exOP "telling the W" - bring charges and she will know soon enough. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Then it should be a criminal matter, not the exOP "telling the W" - bring charges and she will know soon enough. I agree. I just don't think it's the OW's place to tell...It's not like the OW thought about telling the W while the A was full-blown... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I just don't think it's the OW's place to tell...It's not like the OW thought about telling the W while the A was full-blown... I agree with you. Yet in FUN's situation this man really messed her up. I'm just glad she realized what was what and got out! She needs to file a suit against him, reguardless of the fact he's married. IF he was single and doing this, my advice to her would be the exact same thing. It's just unfortunate he is married and his wife is going to be hurt by his stupidness. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Be sure you get some legal advice first! This guy has done this before, and no doubt knows how to cover his tracks. I'm sure his notes do not reflect what happened and in fact he may have put in his notes that you had inappropriate feelings for him and were prone to creating fantasies and lying. In other words, I have no doubt he covered his ass, and made sure if things came down you would look delusional and he would look like a victim of a BPD patient suffering from erotomania. He stands to lose everything, and you can bet he covered his tracks very well to keep that from happening. If you tell his wife, he may turn it on you in some way in order to get revenge and continue covering his own ass. If you do it legally, there is a greater chance his other victims may come forward and put a stop to his patient abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Actually I think the classic make amends phrase was "go, and sin no more" - nothing said about ripping someone else's heart out because you had a little guilt pang Actually you are speaking about one part of the bible where Jesus tells the prostitute who is about to be stoned to go forth and sin no more. He also instructs us to apologize to those we have hurt. Now that I have had time to think about it, I probably would tell the wife so that she has some warining before I went to the authorities. She shouldn't be blindsided by media and police. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Be sure you get some legal advice first! This guy has done this before, and no doubt knows how to cover his tracks. I'm sure his notes do not reflect what happened and in fact he may have put in his notes that you had inappropriate feelings for him and were prone to creating fantasies and lying. In other words, I have no doubt he covered his ass, and made sure if things came down you would look delusional and he would look like a victim of a BPD patient suffering from erotomania. He stands to lose everything, and you can bet he covered his tracks very well to keep that from happening. If you tell his wife, he may turn it on you in some way in order to get revenge and continue covering his own ass. If you do it legally, there is a greater chance his other victims may come forward and put a stop to his patient abuse. I totally agree with LB.. it would be ridiculous to think that this guy hasn't covered his a$$... Even if she tells his wife.. he can show her the notes.. and tell his W.. she is a psycho.. back in her depression.. blablabla... Chances are his W will believe HIM instead of HER.. Best thing is to charge him criminally and hope that more victims will come up.. THEN the chances are better. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 His wife, unfortunately won't be surprised to hear it given her own circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I God says we should go to the person we have offended and ask for forgiveness. I don't mean to get into a Bible argument, but I'm certain this text applies to fellow members of one's congregation. I don't think this principle was intended for this kind of "offense". I can think of many other examples where one may have "offended" another, where and it would NOT be a good idea to go and confess and ask forgiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Best thing is to charge him criminally and hope that more victims will come up.. THEN the chances are better. I'm missing something here. What crime has he committed that any athorities would be interested in? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Depending on jurisdiction, sex by a licensed psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist with a patient while under treatment can be considered a criminal act, and I believe in all cases is, if rape (sex against will or while incapacitated) can be proven. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I don't mean to get into a Bible argument, but I'm certain this text applies to fellow members of one's congregation. I don't think this principle was intended for this kind of "offense". I can think of many other examples where one may have "offended" another, where and it would NOT be a good idea to go and confess and ask forgiveness. I won't argue with you either, but as someone who studies on a daily basis the full chapter and context, this is exactly one of those situations. But as I said before, she will have to do what she feels is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 Depending on jurisdiction, sex by a licensed psychologist/therapist/psychiatrist with a patient while under treatment can be considered a criminal act, and I believe in all cases is, if rape (sex against will or while incapacitated) can be proven. So is the husband in this thread (started by F2BM) a psychologist? Or has the thread been hijacked to some other story. I'm not being sarcastic, I just don't see where this husband was ever described as a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I was the OM for a long time and then I was betrayed by my MW which pretty well brought me to my knees for the past 4 months and is still very painful. I anguished over the question of telling her husband about her and me, and her and BF #2. I asked for advice on this forum, from trusted friends (one is a marriage counselor) and from my own professional therapist. All of the friends and counselors STRONGLY advised that I do NOT tell, not even in some anonymous way. Some of the posters here urged me to tell. I have NOT told. I’m tempted to though, each day, but still have not done it. I would like to address some of the motives for telling: “Do it for the husbands benefit”. “the golden rule” “Wouldn’t YOU want to know if you were the betrayed person” “Protected him from STD’s” "Give him the benefit of being informed so he can make his own decsions” I carefully thought about all of these, especially that I would want to know if it was me. Yes. I WOULD want to know. But NOT EVER from the person who had the affair with my wife. Yes, I would be glad to find out the truth. But I would NOT appreciate the SOB for telling me. I would be angry at him for having the affair. Then I would ALSO think he was a complete chickensh*t and cry-baby for telling me ONLY after he enjoyed my wife for so long and then lost her for whatever reason. If he called thinking he’s going to feel better afterward, I can assure you, he would NOT feel any better, I’d see to that. I don’t see how that could ever really make you feel better. And if you need it for YOUR closure … then isn’t all about YOU? If you’ll feel more forgiven, or purged, or un-weighted, then that’s about YOU again. It is NOT your place to tell (in my opinion). Your pain is difficult, but just like me, you incurred it on to yourself. Deal with it. Life will go on, without you adding any more drama to the betrayed wife, or to the creep that you once were impressed with. I’m only offering this to you … exactly as it also applies to me. I don’t need to hurt her husband any more. You don't need to hurt the wife. I don’t need revenge on the lying coward, serial cheater that she turned out to be. You don't need it either. Now I need to figure what made me allow and enable that affair in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I completely agree with Cagney. Do not tell the BS. Do not deal with either one of them at all. They have their own problems (obviously). Don't add yourself to their list. Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted April 5, 2008 Share Posted April 5, 2008 I found the thread, way back. I think it WAS a therapist. F2BM, is this the same therapist you wrote about, way back, trying to figure out how to get him to leave his wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Cagney Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 ... as someone who studies on a daily basis the full chapter and context ... Hmmm ... my oh my ... Bragging about how much you study, ....not exactly a humble Bible student Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I found the thread, way back. I think it WAS a therapist. F2BM, is this the same therapist you wrote about, way back, trying to figure out how to get him to leave his wife? Yes it is. She has to talk to a Lawyer and the police, press charges and get a law suit going against this guy so he doen't do this to anyone else again. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 Hmmm ... my oh my ... Bragging about how much you study, ....not exactly a humble Bible student Geez Cagney who peed in your cornflakes today. BNB wasn't bragging about anything -- she was just explaining that she is familiar with the Bible. It's like if I quoted something from Sound and the Fury, my absolute favorite book ever, and someone else said I was taking it out of context or misquoting it or something, I would say "I'm sorry but I know this book very well because I've read it five times and, to me, it says this." She happens to read the Bible daily so she's in quite the position to know it. She wasn't "bragging" just because it was the Bible she was talking about knowing well. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 I found the thread, way back. I think it WAS a therapist. F2BM, is this the same therapist you wrote about, way back, trying to figure out how to get him to leave his wife? The OP could be undressing herself and him and pleading with him to leave his wife and he's still bound by professional ethics (and criminal statute in some jurisdictions) to thwart her attempts and discontinue therapy or refer her to another practitioner. I know it sounds "bad" that the OP might have fallen for her therapist, but it goes on all the time. I'll see if I can dig up the thread with the details. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 OP I'm not familiar with your story but if you feel that in your conscience it is right to tell her, then tell her. All you're going to get here is a bunch of people telling you what they think or what they would do. But I think this is a personal decision which only you know how to make. What is best for you and what do you honestly feel is best for his wife? That's all it comes down to. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 The OP could be undressing herself and him and pleading with him to leave his wife and he's still bound by professional ethics (and criminal statute in some jurisdictions) to thwart her attempts and discontinue therapy or refer her to another practitioner. I'm very familiar with FUN's situation and this guy did as much, if not more, to lead her on and keep the A going. ALL the while pocketing her money as well.. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted April 6, 2008 Share Posted April 6, 2008 Hmmm ... my oh my ... Bragging about how much you study, ....not exactly a humble Bible student I am not a humble psychological or education major either. I am OCD, and nosy, that makes me anything but humble in the pursuit of knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
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