To tell or not to tell

[bentnotbroken]

Geez Cagney who peed in your cornflakes today. BNB wasn't bragging about anything -- she was just explaining that she is familiar with the Bible. It's like if I quoted something from Sound and the Fury, my absolute favorite book ever, and someone else said I was taking it out of context or misquoting it or something, I would say "I'm sorry but I know this book very well because I've read it five times and, to me, it says this." She happens to read the Bible daily so she's in quite the position to know it. She wasn't "bragging" just because it was the Bible she was talking about knowing well.

 

 

 

Thank you Nadiaj. Who peed in your cornflakes, that made me .

[carhill]

I'm very familiar with FUN's situation and this guy did as much, if not more, to lead her on and keep the A going. ALL the while pocketing her money as well..

Yes, I figured he did, but wanted to pose a worst-case scenario.

 

Here's the thread in question; fair warning, it's 655 posts long....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117965/

[Art_Critic]

Yes, I figured he did, but wanted to pose a worst-case scenario.

 

Here's the thread in question; fair warning, it's 655 posts long....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117965/

 

and this one

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130472/

[nadiaj2727]

Thank you Nadiaj. Who peed in your cornflakes, that made me .

 

You're welcome. I just don't get why he got all worked up about you saying that you're familiar with what you're talking about. Oh well.

[Cagney]

... I just don't get why he got all worked up ...

 

Someone peed in my cornflakes

[Lizzie60]

I was the OM for a long time and then I was betrayed by my MW which pretty well brought me to my knees for the past 4 months and is still very painful.

 

I anguished over the question of telling her husband about her and me, and her and BF #2. I asked for advice on this forum, from trusted friends (one is a marriage counselor) and from my own professional therapist. All of the friends and counselors STRONGLY advised that I do NOT tell, not even in some anonymous way.

 

Some of the posters here urged me to tell.

I have NOT told.

I’m tempted to though, each day, but still have not done it.

I would like to address some of the motives for telling:

“Do it for the husbands benefit”.

“the golden rule”

“Wouldn’t YOU want to know if you were the betrayed person”

“Protected him from STD’s”

"Give him the benefit of being informed so he can make his own decsions”

 

I carefully thought about all of these, especially that I would want to know if it was me.

 

Yes. I WOULD want to know.

But NOT EVER from the person who had the affair with my wife.

Yes, I would be glad to find out the truth.

But I would NOT appreciate the SOB for telling me.

 

I would be angry at him for having the affair.

Then I would ALSO think he was a complete chickensh*t and cry-baby for telling me ONLY after he enjoyed my wife for so long and then lost her for whatever reason.

 

If he called thinking he’s going to feel better afterward, I can assure you, he would NOT feel any better, I’d see to that.

 

I don’t see how that could ever really make you feel better.

 

And if you need it for YOUR closure … then isn’t all about YOU?

If you’ll feel more forgiven, or purged, or un-weighted, then that’s about YOU again.

 

It is NOT your place to tell (in my opinion).

Your pain is difficult, but just like me, you incurred it on to yourself. Deal with it.

 

Life will go on, without you adding any more drama to the betrayed wife, or to the creep that you once were impressed with.

 

I’m only offering this to you … exactly as it also applies to me.

I don’t need to hurt her husband any more. You don't need to hurt the wife.

 

I don’t need revenge on the lying coward, serial cheater that she turned out to be. You don't need it either.

 

Now I need to figure what made me allow and enable that affair in the first place.

 

Well said, especially the bold text..

[Cagney]

Sure, the therpist is horrible for what he did!

 

But F2BM wanted him anyway, even as a husband, in spite of his evil ways. By her writings, she would have would have accepted him as is if she had been succesful at getting him to divorce his wife and be with her!

 

And she had some bad stuff to say about his wife too ... so it seems strange to me that she's wanting to help her in any way ... NOW but not then.

[Cagney]

Curious: If a patient like F2BM accuses a therapist of this kind of behavior, is the patient really at risk of some reversal? Like being pursued for slander?

 

That doesn't make sense to me. I would think the therapist might possibly succeed in getting his name cleared, but not succeed with some counter action.

 

I don't know, I'm just asking.

[Cagney]

I am not a humble psychological or education major either. I am OCD, and nosy, that makes me anything but humble in the pursuit of knowledge.

 

It's like telling me what God instructs! (your words) Like you might really know.

... loosely quote scripture, not citing the text

... but then try to back it up - pretty much the way you did.

 

I kinda' leaves a bad taste ...

It's sorta' like peeing in my cornflakes.

 

And besides, God instructs us to try to be humble.

I think ... didn't he???

Edited April 6, 2008 by Cagney

[amerikajin]

Should the wife be informed that her husband was cheating on her? I am not friends with the wife, but I'm wondering if I have a moral obligation to inform her that her husband has been unfaithful with her for the past year. Do you agree it's best for her to know instead of staying in the dark while he cheated and might cheat again?

 

Don't be so disingenuous. You're not doing this because you care about the married woman, you're doing it to exact revenge on the MM. You're just bitter because you got played. The real key here is how do *you* feel about what *you've* done in this little soap opera. If you really cared about the health of her marriage you would simply go away. Leave her husband alone, leave their marriage alone. You had no business getting involved in their personal lives in the first place, and you have no business getting involved now. I think if you were to go through with this it would reveal a lot about your character. It would show me, at least, that you haven't really grown as a person from this experience, because if you had you would be concerned about the health of their marriage enough to leave it the hell alone. You'd let them have their peace and let them see if they can't just work out their problems on their own. But that is not the case at all, is it? You don't want to leave their personal lives alone at all; to the contrary, you want to take center stage and make a spectacle out of it. This, to me, is far worse than the affair itself, and that was bad enough.

 

Judgmentally yours,

Amerikajin

[sb129]

I agree that if you DO want revenge, then you should seek legal advice first.

 

Even if you did tell the W, her H (being the manipulative person he is) would probably convince her that it didn't happen- look how he manipulated YOU.

I wouldn't be surprised if he then tried to get an injunction or something against you- as LB says I bet he has covered his tracks well with this one.

 

Be very very careful about having any contact with either of them.

 

Alternatively, you could just let it go, forget about the whole situation, and get on with your life.

[OWoman]

Someone peed in my cornflakes

 

Maybe it was Fun's therapist, who finally found an audience?

[Fun2BMe]

wow i didn't know there were all these replies...let me read and catch up so I can comment.

[Fun2BMe]

I totally agree with LB.. it would be ridiculous to think that this guy hasn't covered his a$$...

 

Even if she tells his wife.. he can show her the notes.. and tell his W.. she is a psycho.. back in her depression.. blablabla...

 

Chances are his W will believe HIM instead of HER..

 

That is one of my fears - I thought that must be why he continued to accept money from me so that he can show it was only a professional relationship. Towards the end he was pressuring me to get onto a lot of meds but I kept thinking he was wanting me to turn into a basket case for his alabi.

[Fun2BMe]

Actually you are speaking about one part of the bible where Jesus tells the prostitute who is about to be stoned to go forth and sin no more. He also instructs us to apologize to those we have hurt. Now that I have had time to think about it, I probably would tell the wife so that she has some warining before I went to the authorities. She shouldn't be blindsided by media and police.

 

That's a good point. If I tell her, I think I will feel like I have atoned (not sure what that means but it sounds right) for what my contribution was, and will be able to sleep better. I do have a connsciience and this is all about making a wrong, right, and by tellling her, I think she willl have the information she needs to decide if she wants to work on a marriage with this type of man or leave.

[OWoman]

Fun, IIRC from the other thread, you said this therapist was some kind of holy dude, who'd written books and all? In which case, wouldn't a safer route be to alert the religious grouping he is aligned with? Most religions have some kind of moral stance, quite aside from the ethics governing his profession, and tipping them off might afford you some kind of protection?

[bentnotbroken]

It's like telling me what God instructs! (your words) Like you might really know.

... loosely quote scripture, not citing the text

... but then try to back it up - pretty much the way you did.

 

I kinda' leaves a bad taste ...

It's sorta' like peeing in my cornflakes.

 

And besides, God instructs us to try to be humble.

I think ... didn't he???

 

 

 

I do really know he instructs my words and I never loosely quote scripture, because he instructs that His word be rightly divided and if text is what you want, just say the word and I can give you chapter and verse.

 

God said to be humble in all I do, that doesn't mean that I see his word being used to suit something and play dumb. That I will be held accountable for.

 

I can understand how His word might leave a bad taste in your mouth, affairs leave the same bad taste in mine. I use Aqua Fresh and Listerine. It makes it all fresh and clean.

[bentnotbroken]

Fun, IIRC from the other thread, you said this therapist was some kind of holy dude, who'd written books and all? In which case, wouldn't a safer route be to alert the religious grouping he is aligned with? Most religions have some kind of moral stance, quite aside from the ethics governing his profession, and tipping them off might afford you some kind of protection?

 

 

Absolutely. You probably will need all the back up you can get.

[Fun2BMe]

I carefully thought about all of these, especially that I would want to know if it was me.

 

Yes. I WOULD want to know.

But NOT EVER from the person who had the affair with my wife.

Yes, I would be glad to find out the truth.

But I would NOT appreciate the SOB for telling me.

 

I don't get that. I am thinking to myself - if I was married and my husband had an affair behind my back - until hell freezes over would he voluntarily tell me especially if it was over, so why would I NOT want to know from the woman he had the affair with?

 

Why is SHE the SOB when I'm not married to her and hardly even know her, and she's doing the favor to tell me what the cheat didn't tell me? Would I believe a 3rd party who told me or would it make me stressed wondering if it was just a rumor if it didn't come straight from the source?

 

I would be angry at him for having the affair.

Then I would ALSO think he was a complete chickensh*t and cry-baby for telling me ONLY after he enjoyed my wife for so long and then lost her for whatever reason.

 

If he called thinking he’s going to feel better afterward, I can assure you, he would NOT feel any better, I’d see to that.

 

That makes no sense - why would you be told WHILE the affair was happening? During the affair I had hope he would leave her for me, since he kept saying how much he loved me and I thought we were meant to be together. It has nothing to do with being chicken! And it's not only about ME feeling better - this is to inform HER!!!

 

I don't think you get that, even though earlier you said if you were cheated on, you'd want to know. So why shouldn't I let HER know, why should she continue sleeping with a man who is DUPING her and has betrayed her without her knowledge? I would rather help her out so she can make the right choice if she should still be with him.

 

 

 

 

You don't need to hurt the wife.

I never hurt her to begin with. It was her HUSBAND who is married and has vows with her, who hurt her. It's like blaming the gun and not the shooter. I feel bad for being the tool he used to hurt her with and think she should know since he will never tell her.

 

I don’t need revenge on the lying coward, serial cheater that she turned out to be. You don't need it either.

 

In my case it won't be revenge, but the right thing to do. I know something bad someone has done and I think the person he did the bad thing to should be informed. Revenge falls nowhere in it.

[Fun2BMe]

 

Alternatively, you could just let it go, forget about the whole situation, and get on with your life.

 

Maybe this will be the best thing to do. I will try to focus on this option today and see if it can sink inside of me.

[sb129]

I hope so Fun. This situation and its fallout has taken over too much of your life, and its time to move on.

 

I don't think you will achieve anything positive by telling the W. Your exMM won't slink back to her and be the perfect H now, I doubt that very much. From what you have told us about him, he will simply move on to his next vulnerable "victim".

His W will find out (if she doesn't know already) soon enough what kind of man she is married to...

At any rate, its not up to you to tell her.

 

Look forward, not back Fun.

[whichwayisup]

Please, let's not do the what's right/wrong about telling his wife. THAT ALL changed because he was her T. He was the professional, she was his client. He used her own words against her in therapy to push her and manipuate her, brainwash her. Sorry but this isn't about telling his wife now, this is about HIM having a Suit against him legally.

[Fun2BMe]

well here's a quick upddate - the T called me a little while ago and we spoke and 'made up' as far as i no longer feel mad towards him and don't think i will be taking action. I now will be meeting with my neighbor, whose husband I have a crush on so I guess i'm not exactly an angel myself but let's just see what happens I guess.

[BareGoddess]

You're a sad case.

[Lizzie60]

 

That's why I rarely contribute to her thread..