To tell or not to tell

[mistresswchildren]

well here's a quick upddate - the T called me a little while ago and we spoke and 'made up' as far as i no longer feel mad towards him and don't think i will be taking action. I now will be meeting with my neighbor, whose husband I have a crush on so I guess i'm not exactly an angel myself but let's just see what happens I guess.

 

Mad at him or not, what he did to you was completely and utterly WRONG. We all have our moral issues, but he is worse than most. You really have to think about whether or not you want your situation to play out on another person. Think about whether or not that is okay. What if he has someone in his care that is SERIOUSLY ill. I do not know your mental state, so I am assuming that you aren't certifiable or anything. What if his next patient is easily manipulated? What if that person cannot get over it when the T tries to end the relationship? You may not think that he's the type to do this more than once, but who knows? I think it is important that you take legal action. The longer you allow this to go on, the more likely it is that someone else is going to be taken advantage of.

 

I am not on a moral high horse as I have made mistakes of my own. I just am concerned about the mental stability of some of his female patients. Think about it. I would do something if I were in your situation. I wouldn't talk to the wife because that could be turned on you (you were stalking or something). Seek legal counsel! This is not right!

[whichwayisup]

well here's a quick upddate - the T called me a little while ago and we spoke and 'made up' as far as i no longer feel mad towards him and don't think i will be taking action. I now will be meeting with my neighbor, whose husband I have a crush on so I guess i'm not exactly an angel myself but let's just see what happens I guess.

 

I have no idea what is going on inside your head.

 

I've always been in your corner, backing you up, fighting for you, listening to you, giving you my empathy - I really thought you were on a smarter path, your eyes were opened about your T. Everything he did to you was WRONG and UNPROFESSIONAL, you seemed to understand that - Now, after ONE call from him (hense HIM manipulating you and you falling for it again) everything is okay. I wish you would see that his call to you was to make nice so you WOULDN'T press charges and ruin his career, let alone his marriage. This guy will now continue on to do whatever he pleases, do this to more woman (and possibly men too) who are in need of counselling and he'll take their money and abuse his power.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He will continue to f*ck his patients mentally and physically, no doubt about it. He's gotten away with it now at least twice that we know of. I'm sure there are others as well before and during this saga, and will be more afterward as well. He sure knows how to manipulate his patients to keep them quiet.

 

As far as the neighbor, why are you meeting with his wife?

[sb129]

Please, let's not do the what's right/wrong about telling his wife. THAT ALL changed because he was her T. He was the professional, she was his client. He used her own words against her in therapy to push her and manipuate her, brainwash her. Sorry but this isn't about telling his wife now, this is about HIM having a Suit against him legally.

 

Oh, I completely agree that she should take legal action, however unfortunately, I don't think she will, because she still doesn't see how terrible his actions have been.

 

I think contacting the wife is a silly thing to do, esp if she DOES get legal advice, as any contact with the T or his W from now may do her case a disservice.

[Fun2BMe]

Oh, I completely agree that she should take legal action, however unfortunately, I don't think she will, because she still doesn't see how terrible his actions have been.

 

I think contacting the wife is a silly thing to do, esp if she DOES get legal advice, as any contact with the T or his W from now may do her case a disservice.

 

I keep going back and forth because every time I talk to him he acts like he cares about me but then I realize he is still manipulating me. My ex is getting very fed upo with me and that hurts, and no they re definitely no longer friends ever since the T had advised me to stay away from him, and now he can't understand why we still talk so he is starting to pull away just when we started to talk and I had gotten over the T.

 

That's a good idea to break all contact with the T. After I stopped my sessions he didn't even contact me for a month and suddenly he is contacting me a lot and coincidentally it's at the same time I am seeing my ex again so maybe he knows and is worried or ?

 

I don't want to throw all my money into an expensive lawsuit with a pricey lawyer so maybe the only option I have is to walk away and let him continue harming others while his wife remains clueless too.

[Cagney]

well here's a quick upddate - the T called me a little while ago and we spoke and 'made up' as far as i no longer feel mad towards him and don't think i will be taking action. I now will be meeting with my neighbor, whose husband I have a crush on so I guess i'm not exactly an angel myself but let's just see what happens I guess.

 

You go girl!

 

The best way to get over this married man is to get under the next married man.

 

I think the right eye contact with her husband might get him all roused and just might give you the fix you're lookin' for. You'll be able to see it in his eyes ... his eyes might even dilate.

 

Please keep us up to date!

[Fun2BMe]

You go girl!

 

The best way to get over this married man is to get under the next married man.

 

I think the right eye contact with her husband might get him all roused and just might give you the fix you're lookin' for. You'll be able to see it in his eyes ... his eyes might even dilate.

 

Please keep us up to date!

 

oh I must be the only woman who has had a crush on a married man. I like how the single people are the guilty party, treated as if THEY have made vows to be loyal to someone and are breaking them. Sorry but you are targeting the wrong person. I am SINGLE and not in a relationship, let alone a marriage so calm down and pour your sarcasm on someone else!

[Cagney]

... I don't want to throw all my money into an expensive lawsuit with a pricey lawyer ...

 

Maybe you could find a married lawyer who will take you case on contingency. You never know what else you could get going there.

[Fun2BMe]

Maybe you could find a married lawyer who will take you case on contingency. You never know what else you could get going there.

 

No thanks, I've always paid for services I have asked for,with money, including to the T in question. I don't like handouts. Maybe you use your body as currency so that's how you came up with that idea, but I don't.

[whichwayisup]

I keep going back and forth because every time I talk to him he acts like he cares about me but then I realize he is still manipulating me. My ex is getting very fed upo with me and that hurts, and no they re definitely no longer friends ever since the T had advised me to stay away from him, and now he can't understand why we still talk so he is starting to pull away just when we started to talk and I had gotten over the T.

 

I honestly think you should get both of these men out of your life. Stop with the ex's and the T. Clean slate for the next (single) man. No more MM and ex's.

 

That's a good idea to break all contact with the T. After I stopped my sessions he didn't even contact me for a month and suddenly he is contacting me a lot and coincidentally it's at the same time I am seeing my ex again so maybe he knows and is worried or ?

 

Hmmm. Don't you think it's weird, the timing? Seems that maybe your ex and your T are still friends. Something doesn't sit right...It never has, even from day ONE when your back then boyfriend, now ex, reffered to you to HIS friend, the therapist.

 

I don't want to throw all my money into an expensive lawsuit with a pricey lawyer so maybe the only option I have is to walk away and let him continue harming others while his wife remains clueless too.

 

I would rather you throw your money into an expensive lawsuit rather than that money going BACK into the hands of the T. You're on the fence, teetering here...

 

I can't answer the last part, only you can decide if that is okay, to know that T is using women and their issues against them, taking their money and abusing his power..

[Cagney]

oh I must be the only woman who has had a crush on a married man. I like how the single people are the guilty party, treated as if THEY have made vows to be loyal to someone and are breaking them. Sorry but you are targeting the wrong person. I am SINGLE and not in a relationship, let alone a marriage so calm down and pour your sarcasm on someone else!

 

Fun ... c'mon!

 

I'm single too, like you. And I understand crushes.

 

I screwed a married woman for 7 years and managed to do some damage to the marriage and the husband.

 

I completely understand you.

[Fun2BMe]

 

I can't answer the last part, only you can decide if that is okay, to know that T is using women and their issues against them, taking their money and abusing his power..

 

Well it's like damed if I do and damed if I don't. If I say I'll tell her, people jump on me and say leave her in the dark so she'll continue with her head in the sand and live happily ever after and he'll continue targeting other vulnerable young women who come to him for help.

 

If I say fine then I'll just move on and not say anything, I'm told then he will continue doing what he's doing, and he'll have succeeded in keeping me quiet and getting away with it. Time is of the essence in these matters from the research I have done. Plus I would be ruining my reputation by speaking up so it's not like I have something to gain from it all. I just want to know what the right/best thing to do is.

[Cagney]

Well it's like damed if I do and damed if I don't. If I say I'll tell her, people jump on me and say leave her in the dark so she'll continue with her head in the sand and live happily ever after and he'll continue targeting other vulnerable young women who come to him for help.

 

If I say fine then I'll just move on and not say anything, I'm told then he will continue doing what he's doing, and he'll have succeeded in keeping me quiet and getting away with it. Time is of the essence in these matters from the research I have done. Plus I would be ruining my reputation by speaking up so it's not like I have something to gain from it all. I just want to know what the right/best thing to do is.

 

I think you've made it clear that you're desire to tell the wife, swings on the husband being nice or not.

 

When he's not nice, you want to tell the wife.

When his is nice then you seem to lean toward keeping quiet.

[Fun2BMe]

I think you've made it clear that you're desire to tell the wife, swings on the husband being nice or not.

 

When he's not nice, you want to tell the wife.

When his is nice then you seem to lean toward keeping quiet.

 

The bottom line is, I went to him suicidal and depressed. He took close to $30,000 in cash over the course of a year, isolated me from my family and friends, made me feel used and more depressed, used me sexually in very demeaning ways, and maybe I"m weak but I am having a hard time dealing with the consequences, and being told I'm the bad one and I should just so easily move on. He made me think he loved me and I was special, so maybe when he called out of the blue to reinforce those thoughts, I am desperate to want to think he really cares and maybe will apologize so I can not face the reality of how I was manipulated, used and dumped by someone I paid to help me feel better.

[Cagney]

The bottom line is, I went to him suicidal and depressed. He took close to $30,000 in cash over the course of a year, isolated me from my family and friends, made me feel used and more depressed, used me sexually in very demeaning ways, and maybe I"m weak but I am having a hard time dealing with the consequences, and being told I'm the bad one and I should just so easily move on. He made me think he loved me and I was special, so maybe when he called out of the blue to reinforce those thoughts, I am desperate to want to think he really cares and maybe will apologize so I can not face the reality of how I was manipulated, used and dumped by someone I paid to help me feel better.

 

You've never read where I said you are "the bad one".

I think he's "a bad one" for sure.

 

But why are you willing to accept him in all his badness, if he'll come back on to you?

 

And then you're speaking of turning him in, telling the wife on him, but only when he's not being nice???

[Cagney]

... used me sexually in very demeaning ways ...

 

I went through most of that thread ... I thought you always maintained that there was never really any sex.

 

Then why don't you turn him in?

I don't think an accusing patient is EVER in jeopardy of counter action.

Maybe some on this site know better.

 

It won't be pleasant, but you're not going to get counter-sued.

And even if it won't be pleasant, this angush can' be very pleasnt either.

[used2saynvr]

be honest with yourself about the reason(s) you want to tell.

 

if it's 100% about her (the W), then, that's just something you will have to decide.

 

however, if there is any---even the most minute---malicious or vengeful motive involved, then No, don't tell. Her husband should have to opportunity to come clean to her (in his own time).

 

The only fathomable, justifiable reason that comes to mind is if you had an STD. Then, hell yes!, you should tell her, so that she can get medical help. Other than that, not your place. Don't be a "s**t-starter" more than you (we) have already been. Playing games can be dangerous. And some OW want to rat out their MM for revenge or to make the W feel insecure. This should not be the reason. In defense of those OW who have told, that was a decision (I'm assuming) you felt had to made. Either b/c children were involved, or whatever. No judgment there for those types of cases.

 

Just know why you want to spill the beans. That's all.

Edited April 7, 2008 by used2saynvr

[sb129]

The bottom line is, I went to him suicidal and depressed. He took close to $30,000 in cash over the course of a year, isolated me from my family and friends, made me feel used and more depressed, used me sexually in very demeaning ways, and maybe I"m weak but I am having a hard time dealing with the consequences, and being told I'm the bad one and I should just so easily move on. He made me think he loved me and I was special, so maybe when he called out of the blue to reinforce those thoughts, I am desperate to want to think he really cares and maybe will apologize so I can not face the reality of how I was manipulated, used and dumped by someone I paid to help me feel better.

 

$30000 ???????? :eek::eek:Read that post above again Fun, and then tell me why you shouldn't sue this CROOK for every penny he has got and make sure he NEVER EVER treats patients again. Don't you want to make sure that nobody else ends up experiencing what you did?

 

You recognise that you desperately WANT to think that after all this, he really does care, and that you are having a hard time facing the reality that is the opposite of this.

The next step is accepting the reality, and getting angry- I don't think you are at the angry stage yet.

 

Maybe when you are angry, you will take further action.

Think of what you could have spent that $30K on.

[twice_shy]

'Kiss and tell' people are miserable losers..

 

No, people that sleep with other people's spouses and brag about it are.

[nadiaj2727]

Originally Posted by Lizzie60

'Kiss and tell' people are miserable losers..

 

 

No, people that sleep with other people's spouses and brag about it are.

 

There we go agreeing again twice-shy.

[Fun2BMe]

I just had a talk with my ex. He is encouraging me to tell the authorities about the T and said if I want he will go with me. I told him I would call them after we hung up, but I am really scared about it because it would basically ruin his life and the reality is making my heart pound. On the other hand if I don't my ex was pointing out how many other victims there will be. He is feeling very guilty for having referred me to him, but I can't blame him for anything bec how was he to know. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

At this point, I'd say whether the wife knowing/not knowing is a lesser factor than the T facing a) consequences of his action b) not having access to other patients and now that it's time to take action, I am finding out I'd rather the wife not know, at least not from anything that has to do with me, bec. this whole thing is difficult enough as it is.

Edited April 7, 2008 by Fun2BMe

[carhill]

OP, your heart doesn't have to pound. Contact or get a referral to a private attorney.

 

Here's an example:

I had an issue with my mother's trust (a legal document) and she's in a dementia facility and no longer competent. I was referred to a family/estate lawyer by a business colleague. This lawyer set up a consultation and spent about 90 minutes with me going over the trust and our options and various scenarios. There was no cost involved. I agreed for him to proceed (we need to go to court) and he told me to send a 500.00 retainer and they'd get started. I did and they've got most of the petition finished and I just have a few documents left to gather. It'll cost about 1500 or so, including court costs, to complete the matter. The whole process has been painless and professional.

 

IMO, you need to get professional advice as to how to proceed. If you come to the consultation with as much documentation as possible and a concise accounting of the events, a good lawyer will quickly assess your situation and advise you how best to proceed (criminally or civilly). It's worth the money you spend, if you want to proceed. You sound like you incurred financial damages, along with emotional distress and the obvious breech of conduct by the T.

 

If I were in your shoes, that's how I'd proceed.

[whichwayisup]

I just had a talk with my ex. He is encouraging me to tell the authorities about the T and said if I want he will go with me. I told him I would call them after we hung up, but I am really scared about it because it would basically ruin his life and the reality is making my heart pound. On the other hand if I don't my ex was pointing out how many other victims there will be. He is feeling very guilty for having referred me to him, but I can't blame him for anything bec how was he to know. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

At this point, I'd say whether the wife knowing/not knowing is a lesser factor than the T facing a) consequences of his action b) not having access to other patients and now that it's time to take action, I am finding out I'd rather the wife not know, at least not from anything that has to do with me, bec. this whole thing is difficult enough as it is.

 

Definately get the authorities involved. Your T was WRONG and he doesn't deserve to be practicing anymore. He has messed you up not helped you and he gladly took that 30 grand from you with a big fat smile on his face.

 

His wife, well, it's awful she is married to a monster, someone who has taken advantage of his patients. She has to know. I mean, he is like a rapist in some sense and he has to pay for his crimes! This isn't about having an affair like a normal situation between an OW/MM - This goes beyond that..

 

Don't throw in the towel out of fear.

[OWoman]

I am really scared about it because it would basically ruin his life and the reality is making my heart pound.

 

Fun, YOU would not be ruining his life. His life would be ruined by the consequences of his own actions. It's HIM who has ruined his life by abusing patients the way he has.

 

It's not revenge. It's a social responsibility to prevent the abuse recurring, or happening to others.

 

Him being nice to you should not affect that. He's just trying to buy your silence by messing with your mind. Fun, if you read up about abuse, you'll see he's doing what abusive spouses, paedophiles or anyone else who uses a position of power to abuse someone else does. He's playing you by the book.

 

Fun - I've not seen this answered in this, or any of your other threads, so forgive me if I'm asking something that you've discussed previously:

 

 

• Is this guy a registered therapist, subscribed to an ethical code of conduct, or is hje just a religious healer? You mentioned in another thread that he doesn't advertise his services, that it's all through referrals, and that his reputation is based on his "holy" connections. it, or is he also qualified and registered?
  
• The religious grouping he's affiliated to - is it mainstream, or something more peripheral (not necessarily like Jim Jones - or even Warren Jeffs - but I'm getting the impression of that Kate Winslett film - I think it was called Holy Smoke?)
  

 

Either way, I think the religious grouping needs to be informed - unless it's the kind of thing they sanction (and even then, adherents need to know that before they enter "therapy" with affiliated "therapists") they would be concerned to know someone associated with them was behaving in this kind of unethical and abusive way.