GF of 8 Years Made Out With Married Man

[JohnDoe1978]

After a rough back and forth beginning between me and her ex, things got much better. She was my first, and I feel I endured some very cruel treatment from her back then, in the hopes that it would earn me a permanent place in her heart. She eventually gave up on her ex when she found out he had been trying to seduce her younger sister by sending her gifts and letters, and after that she seemed to fully embrace me. A couple of years later, she began acting distant and I could sense something was wrong. One night I looked in her purse when she left the room, and found a love letter to another ex of hers. When I confronted her, she apologized crying and tore up the letter along with his phone number that I hadn't noticed. She went back and forth during the discussion between seeming like she wanted to give him a chance, and wanting to stay with me, and in the end she chose me.

After that, up until about 4 months ago things were good. I didn't hold any of her past mistakes over her head, and I never brought them up. That night, she was running very late and not answering her cell phone, so I go to her mothers house to see if she's there because I was worried about her. As I got there, she came out the door with another guy that I didn't recognize. With my heart pounding, I approach them and the guy (very drunk and aware of my presence) lets out a loud "Well, time to get back to my wife and kid.". As my GF noticed me, she nervously explained that it was a childhood friend of hers, and he needed a ride home. Wanting to believe her, I accepted her explanation and watched as they got in her car and drove off. When she got home, she told me that he told her that he always loved her, and she shot him down. The whole thing seemed hard to believe the way she told it, and after a few days my doubts leading her to expose more and more of what really happened, she confessed that she made out with him that night. I told her she needed to stay at her moms house while I thought about what to do, and she agreed. After a week or so, I decided I couldn't let her go for just kissing him after all the good times we had, and invited her to come back.

I have good times with her still, but I find this time bothers me more than the others, and it's almost always in the back of my mind. Maybe because after all the times I forgave her and felt we had moved beyond, she still wasn't faithful. I'm almost 30 now, and on bad days I feel like if I don't get out now it will just happen again and I'll be too old to move on and find another. She's my closest friend, and she has been very good to me between the crappy times. I guess I'm looking for some advice to help me decide what to do. I feel weak for not being able to get over this. Thanks for any replies.

Edited April 5, 2008 by JohnDoe1978

[Bryanp]

She has a pattern of constantly lying and cheating behind your back. You sound like a really nice guy that she knows how to play. The other guy comes out of the house drunk and you let her drive him home? Why didn't you go with them. She tells you she made out with this married guy in the car? I bet you do not have the full story. The chances are pretty good she did a hell of a lot more.

 

She is able from time to time continue to cheat on you because she knows you will continue to forgive her. This will be a continuous pattern of behavior. Open your eyes and find someone you can respect and trust because she is untrustworthy and does not respect you or your relationship. I am sorry my friend but she continues to play you for a fool. I wish you luck.

[Cobra_X30]

After a rough back and forth beginning between me and her ex, things got much better. She was my first, and I feel I endured some very cruel treatment from her back then, in the hopes that it would earn me a permanent place in her heart.

 

Well, she has made it abundantly clear that your just renting space in her heart. It sounds like the lease is up too.

 

If you have even a shred of self respect left. You will throw her out and find a better woman. It's not that hard. There is nothing to be afraid of... I mean it seems like you have a lot to offer. Find one with a fully functioning brain and she will appreciate that.

[carhill]

Firsts are always worst

 

Time for NC and let her go. At some point you two may find each other again and be on the same page, maturity-wise. She has a lot of growing up to do.

[82knightrider]

Just turn around from this relationship and run and dont ever look back. It is tainted and will never be the same. She is not worthy .Unless you like being "second best " "doormat" "safety net " type of dude. Which leads to no where but heartache .If You stay with her she will never respect you.

[KidEternity]

Man, get the hell out of there! (maybe a slight over-reaction)

 

It might break you're heart but seriously man, you sound like a great guy and you don't need to be wasting your time with someone like that. Do not settle for her, just look at it this way if you do spend the rest of your life her, you'll always know that the one woman you were with wasn't faithful. Wouldn't you want to be with someone who is faithful to you?

Edited April 5, 2008 by KidEternity

[surviving1076]

Man, I agree with everyone else because I have been there. If you do not let her know you are not a doormat, she will keep on doing it. Get out of the relationship and keep yourself busy working and hanging with friends, and you will be ok. You will see that once you stand up for yourself, you will get more respect and feel much better cause you don't have to worry about the crap anymore.

[mark982]

been there,seen it ,done it.she has no respect for your relationship.she'll keep doing this if you take her back. hell she'd be dumb if she didn't. it will be tuff at first "but" there's alot better women out there.

[HenryII]

Man I hate to be a downer but. A man once told me" Don't ever think u are going to be the last person to make love to your woman"

Such a terrible thing to live with. I'm from the old school. I will love the woman I'm with. When she tells me it's over I'll leave.

Thing is some women want the best of both worlds and cheating to them is part of the HIGH that they get,. They are acting out a fantasy. God forbid if I was to act out mine.

If it bothers you that she has time with someone else then it'stime to leave.

When we are dating and involved with someone else do we care who was with them last nite? No, we try not to. After all we have no holds on anyone do we.?

Sorry for rambling.

[JohnDoe1978]

Thanks for all your comments. It really helps me feel better to read that other people don't think it is a petty issue (other than talking to her, this was the first time I've shared this with anyone). I don't really have any close friends outside my family because I have problems opening up around people, and I think that also plays a part in my difficulty letting her go. I've had plenty of failed attempts at relationships, and at least with her she always comes back and says she's sorry. She really does love me I think, and if I proposed (no, I'm not that stupid), I'm sure she would accept.

I agree that there is a lack of respect, and I guess I played right into that by being so forgiving of her earlier acts, but some good days (like today) I still believe there is hope for us. I was actually surprised to see no one saying "it was just a kiss" or "give her another chance". I know no one can have a fuller perception of the situation than me, but from what I've said, do you really think it will happen again? This was her first mistake in 4 years (AFAIK), and I've been giving her a pretty hard time for this one and she seems really sorry.

Edited April 6, 2008 by JohnDoe1978

[carhill]

I see insecure attachment style. Yes, she may develop a more mature attachment style over time, but you have to ask yourself if you want to be the carpet on which she walks on this journey. One way to look at it is, if your emotions are tied up in her, you are not open to new people and new opportunities for a healthy relationship.

 

She's sorry but she can't help herself. That's classic and I mean that with all empathy. She really can't. Therapy could help her, but I think time and life experience may have to come first for the therapy to work.

[Bryanp]

Why in the world would you think it was just a kiss? They came out of the house drunk. They were probably messing around already. In front of you she drives off with the guy and she admits she was kissing him in the car. Are you really that blind to believe that this is all they did? You sound like a nice guy and she plays you like a fiddle. She can mess up with you because she knows you will accept all kinds of humiliation and disrespect from her. You are deluding yourself if you think you have the full story. Think about it.

[InLimbo2]

first mistake in 4 years? what if it's 2? or 12? cheating, disrespecting, and hurting you is still cheating, disrespect, and hurt - no matter how long since the last time. you want to be with a woman for the REST OF YOUR LIFE that cheats on you every so often?

 

I'm a woman - I think the rest of the posters were men - trust me - no woman in love acts like that, and no real woman would respect a man that would take it. One mistake *maybe* - but not more.

 

walk away

 

 

Thanks for all your comments. It really helps me feel better to read that other people don't think it is a petty issue (other than talking to her, this was the first time I've shared this with anyone). I don't really have any close friends outside my family because I have problems opening up around people, and I think that also plays a part in my difficulty letting her go. I've had plenty of failed attempts at relationships, and at least with her she always comes back and says she's sorry. She really does love me I think, and if I proposed (no, I'm not that stupid), I'm sure she would accept.

I agree that there is a lack of respect, and I guess I played right into that by being so forgiving of her earlier acts, but some good days (like today) I still believe there is hope for us. I was actually surprised to see no one saying "it was just a kiss" or "give her another chance". I know no one can have a fuller perception of the situation than me, but from what I've said, do you really think it will happen again? This was her first mistake in 4 years (AFAIK), and I've been giving her a pretty hard time for this one and she seems really sorry.

[Spectre]

You think there is hope? No man, there is no hope with females like this.

[twice_shy]

JohnDoe. Only one thing you should be thinking of at this point. Kicking her to the curb where she belongs.

[twice_shy]

Thanks for all your comments. It really helps me feel better to read that other people don't think it is a petty issue (other than talking to her, this was the first time I've shared this with anyone). I don't really have any close friends outside my family because I have problems opening up around people, and I think that also plays a part in my difficulty letting her go. I've had plenty of failed attempts at relationships, and at least with her she always comes back and says she's sorry. She really does love me I think, and if I proposed (no, I'm not that stupid), I'm sure she would accept.

I agree that there is a lack of respect, and I guess I played right into that by being so forgiving of her earlier acts, but some good days (like today) I still believe there is hope for us. I was actually surprised to see no one saying "it was just a kiss" or "give her another chance". I know no one can have a fuller perception of the situation than me, but from what I've said, do you really think it will happen again? This was her first mistake in 4 years (AFAIK), and I've been giving her a pretty hard time for this one and she seems really sorry.

 

It was no mistake. She knew what she was doing.

 

The longer you keep fooling yourself and looking at it as a "mistake", the longer you will go on letting her play you for a fool. Afterall, it was just a "mistake", right?

[JohnDoe1978]

Well, after a pretty bad day yesterday I exploded at her and went for a walk to think. Deciding to end it, when I returned I sat down next to her and I just couldn't do it. The sentiments of many of the posts were brought up by me, and she seemed to know where I was headed. But when it came down to it I chickened out. I picture her getting back with her abusive ex BF (she has told me she probably would) or on a morgue slab sometime way down the line, and I just couldn't deal with the regret of not knowing for sure a split is the right decision. Maybe it's time for me to talk to a family member about it, though I thank you for all your replies, as I feel they have allowed me to get a wider perspective on this and helped me move forward a bit.