Family and Relationship advice anyone?

[SaneorInsane]

I am in a relationship with someone that is very different from anyone I have ever been with. I have fallen completely and utterly in love with her as well. We get along great on the surface but have issues from time to time.

 

I am in my 30's and have been told from time to time in past relationships that I was afraid to commit. I was always unsure of everything but was completely honest with them. Most of the time I wanted to take the dating thing slow and get to know them. It was always a problem for them. They said I was emotionally constipated. I never really showed my feelings toward them, I didn't feel comfortable doing so. It was something they took offense to, even when I explained it was just something I had a hard time doing at first. I was in two longer relationships in the past and was very torn up by the latter one. Although, I knew that we weren't right for each other.

 

I grew up in a stable, but smothering home. I am the youngest and have been viewed as the spoiled brat by siblings. I come from a small blue collar family and am the only one that graduated from college and obtained a professional position. My mother was always dependent upon me emotionally, and has numerous other issues medically as well. She would make me feel guilty if I spent too much time at my SO's house in the past, and would call me excessively at college and when I was on my home. Told me I was selfish for moving out of my parents home when I graduated. She threatens suicide when she blames me for making her feel rotten. She hasn't taken care of herself medically for years and develops severe illness' from smoking most of her life. I have tried to get her to stop smoking for years to no avail, and find myself not having much sympathy for her. She makes me feel guilty for not sitting by her side constantly now that I moved closer to my hometown. First Question, am I selfish for not wanting to sit around and watch her kill herself, and not listen to her nag me all the time?

 

Bigger issue. This girl that I am crazy about, hates my family and voices her opinion constantly. Tells me over and over that my mother is an ignorant, selfish, vindictive person that constantly tries to make me feel guilty. She thinks that I should stop contact with her to a degree, and not feed into her guilty trips. My mother immediately didn't like my GF because she thought she was taking me away from the family. I never had a big relationship with brother or sister, so i never was around to spend that time with them before. I spent my time at my parents mostly out of guilt. My mother has said some mean things ever since I have been going over there less and talking to her less. I tried to explain that I love this girl and would like to spend my life with her. She doesn't care...thinks that I don't give a **** about my family anymore. I blew up and told my mother that she is not going to win, that if she loved me she would be happy for me.

 

My GF comments constantly that I have no life, that I need to break away from family and that she is embarassed to say that my family could be her inlaws. Says she isn't used to being associated with a blue collar family, and that her parents went to college and were well educated. She tells me that I am not like them and thinks I should forget about them and break alot of contact.

 

My mother went into the hospital, and she was upset I left her house and drove two hours to visit her. Says that I shouldn't pick up and leave so quickly. Wants to be the priority. What do you think about my GF? Is she too harsh?

[jalexy]

I am only 21 so I cannot say that what I will say will be the best. I think that your gf is just being really honest. I do not think that breaking family ties is ok, but my Dad has done that because his parents are just awful and hated my mother. My parents are still going strong after 20 something years...so point being, if you think you need to cut the ties, you are a grown man, by all means do it. But it seems like there can be a healthy balance here. You can (don't take this as an insult) stop being a Momma's boy and separate your relationship with your gf from your mother. Your gf doesnt have to see them all the time if you get married, for goodness sakes. Just see them when you have kids, on certain holidays.

I think you are old enough to make a smart decision on your own here. Compromise and you can get where you want to be. I think deep down you really know what you need to do

[Just A Girl2]

Hi there,

First of all, what age is your g/f? (not that it matters a lot, just curious)

 

How long have you 2 been together?

 

I sure don't blame you for not wanting to sit there and watch your mother slowly kill herself with continued smoking, when she already has respiratory problems.......However, just in case you never thought of this....your mom could be in denial about her health...or depressed and thinks it's "too late" to to reverse the damage that's already there (for instance, I know a lot of terminal cancer patients who have lung cancer.....they will smoke right up until the end, and I would never begrudge them of that.....if that is there little bit of enjoyment in life, then so be it.....)

 

Your Mom does sound very needy and dependant on you. This puts you in a tough spot.

 

HOWEVER...your g/f sounds like a b*tch on wheels:

 

Bigger issue. This girl that I am crazy about, hates my family and voices her opinion constantly. Tells me over and over that my mother is an ignorant, selfish, vindictive person that constantly tries to make me feel guilty. She thinks that I should stop contact with her to a degree, and not feed into her guilty trips.

 

While your g/f has every right to dislike your family, it's highly rude and disrespectful to YOU, for her to constantly badmouth them to you. How is that helping YOU? You already are more than aware of the family you have to deal with.......why would you need the added stress of her hammering on about them, so negatively? It's also rather disrespectful, IMO, for her to be so rudely vocal on how she feels about your mother. Your Mother *is* who she is, and nothing will likely change that. SHe's obviously got her own tons of issues, but I'm sure she has a few good points as well, no? I think your g/f is out of line in being so vocal about not liking your family. If anything, it must really stress you out and make you feel that she's wanting you to CHOOSE between them. Wrong.

 

My GF comments constantly that I have no life, that I need to break away from family and that she is embarassed to say that my family could be her inlaws. Says she isn't used to being associated with a blue collar family, and that her parents went to college and were well educated. She tells me that I am not like them and thinks I should forget about them and break alot of contact.

 

Okay, NOW she sounds like a snobby, judgmental superb*tch.

 

Who the f*ck is she to accuse you of having no life? She sounds rather verbally and ?mentally abusive to you. That's not right. A partner should be sensitive to the trials their partner has to deal with.......not poke fun at them and insult them.

 

If I was dating someone and they told me they'd be embarassed to have my parents as inlaws, I'd tell them to piss up a rope and suck on the wet end. That is RUDE!!! And hell, it gets even better....now she's dissing them because they don't have a stinkin' college education. She sounds like a snotty, spoiled, rude, insensitive wench. Who gives a fart if your parents have no college education? Tons of people, and parents in this world don't.....I know mine don't, for instance. My Mom and Dad worked their asses off for years to provide a good life for my sister and myself. It was very important for them to send us to college, I became an RN and my sis became a teacher. They are very proud of us and we'd not be where we are if it hadn't been for their love and sacrifices and hard work (blue collar) and putting us first. Your g/f really just makes me quick sick.

 

She is out of line by ragging on you to break off a lot of contact with your family. Your family were there long before she came along, and if things don't work out with her, your family will still always be your family, and will love you, even if it's in a dysfunctional way.

 

How can you respect a gal who is so disrespectful of the very people who helped create you? Sounds like she's wanting to isolate you from them....maybe she's jealous? Wants you all to herself?

 

How can you have respect for her? She obviously has no respect for you, or your family, however dysfunctional they may be.

 

This is definitely not someone I'd be considering spending the rest of my life with........if you think her rudeness is bad now, it will get worse once she has a ring on her finger...because then she'll DEMAND that you do as she says. Yuck.

[SaneorInsane]

She is in her 30's as well, has been divorced for a year, and has custody of her two children.

 

I did use hate in the last post, she never said she hated them. She just thinks that the way my family treats me is unacceptable. My mother mostly.

 

She does act snobby and lives beyond her means, depends mostly on her child support and alimony. She is very generous, and tries to help me out whenever she can though. I am not a monetary person though, I don't think one can show love by gifts.

 

Because of her marriage, she hasn't dated many people, she thinks because I have dated more, that my morals about sex are questionable. I have never given her any indication that I haven't respected her, and treat her as well as I know how. She is afraid I will put my family before her in a long time relationship, and this is why she is divorced. Her x always worked and never was around. She didn't get along with his family either. I am at a loss here.

[Just A Girl2]

Let me point out some of the more "red flag-like" comments/facts from your post:

 

She is in her 30's as well, has been divorced for a year, and has custody of her two children.

 

Well gee wiz, what if you weren't all that crazy about being with someone who has kids; maybe marrying one day and becoming an "instant family"....with kids who are not yours. Would you be ragging on her about how poorly behaved her children are and how you thinks she so obviously puts them before you? Her children come with the package, and to a large degree, your family come with yours.

 

By the way, you didn't say how long you 2 have been together????

 

 

 

I did use hate in the last post, she never said she hated them. She just thinks that the way my family treats me is unacceptable. My mother mostly.

 

Now now, don't go making excuses for her, or minimizing the rude things she's said. Whether she hates your Mother or just really doesn't like her, it doesn't matter..it's all semantics. She's made it very clear, from what you've posted, that she despises your mother, and family.....and basically thinks they are trailor trash who have no education and that she's better than them, her family are better than them, she'd be *EMBARASSED* to have them as inlaws because they are 'blue collar', and she accuses you rudely of having no life.

 

What is wrong with this picture?

 

You don't have a problem with her snobbishly putting your parents down for not having gone to college? For being blue collar folk? This is ACCEPTABLE to you? THis kind of snobbery is okay with you? If so, why?

 

She does act snobby and lives beyond her means, depends mostly on her child support and alimony. She is very generous, and tries to help me out whenever she can though. I am not a monetary person though, I don't think one can show love by gifts.

 

Oh my God, let me get this straight. She has the AUDACITY to put her boyfriend's parents down because they are basically not good enough, not educated enough....are only "blue collar folk"....yet she lives beyond her means and depends on child support and alimony? How rich. So what ages are her children? If they're young, okay..but if they are school age or older, then why isn't she out there, Miss Educated, WORKING to support herself and her children, as opposed to living off her ex hubby????

 

You want to get tangled up with someone who likely doesn't work, likely never would (spoiled is what she sounds like) and who lives beyond her means? Well if you marry her, plan on likely having to work as hard as her ex hubby......the poor guy was likely busting his hump working lots so that he could support her spoiled self.....and to pay off the debt she was racking up. Did that ever occur to you??

 

Because of her marriage, she hasn't dated many people, she thinks because I have dated more, that my morals about sex are questionable. I have never given her any indication that I haven't respected her, and treat her as well as I know how. She is afraid I will put my family before her in a long time relationship, and this is why she is divorced. Her x always worked and never was around. She didn't get along with his family either. I am at a loss here.

 

Oh geez, now what ELSE is she ragging on you about?! She despises your mother, your family, thinks they are trailer trash and doesn't hold back the opportunity to say so, says she'd be embarassed to have them as inlaws.....and now she's ragging on you because you have a (shudder) PAST?

 

Your morals about sex are questionable? What exactly is that supposed to mean, anyway? Can you explain?

 

Oh poor thing....afraid you'll put YOUR family before her in a long term relationship. Sounds exceptionally jealous, possessive and needy....and her possessiveness is manifesting itself in her constant desire to insult your family and say horrid things about them. She has no right to.

 

And as for her ex always working/never around, refer to what I wrote above.

 

And IMAGINE THAT!!! She didn't get along with HIS family either? See a pattern here? Sounds to me like she's a spoiled, childish, disrespectful, manipulative, controlling, possible-free loader who only wants a man in her life who will be at her beck and call, who will dote on her and give her tons of attention.

 

I dated a guy who had an ex wife who loved to spend his money.......she racked up tons of debt. TONS. He put her through school (they had no children) and she worked for awhile, but didn't work much after awhile......had too much shopping to do. She racked up all the credit cards and that poor guy had to work almost 7 days a week, 16 hr days, just to keep from losing their home and having to declare bankruptcy. She ended up leaving him......after she'd slowly syphoned off a sh*tload of his hard earned money..........citing the reason for leaving was because "he worked too much"..well DUH, of course he had to, to pay off her debt.

 

Your gal sounds like a dud. I hope you can see this soon.

[SaneorInsane]

I don't think you like my GF......no?

 

 

She does have a full time job. It just isn't a well paying one. We have been dating for 8 months. She had legitimate complaints about her x though. He insisted on living in a big house, she wanted him around more to live in a smaller one.

 

Believe me I appreciate any insight, at times I find myself questioning alot of the issues I have spoken about.

 

My mother immediately didn't like her, even before she met her. Because she didn't want me to be around her all of the time. My mother tries to manipulate me into feeling guilty about the way I treat my family. I treat my family well, but have never received any respect when it came to personal issues and privacy. My mom feeds off of drama within the family and I can't take it at times. She wallows in self pity and won't seek help when I try and suggest that she needs to talk to someone. She has revealed disturbing facts about my father in attempt to turn me against him, it goes on from there. She will NOT seek Mental Health counseling...said she doesnt need it.

 

Her treatment and actions make it hard to side with her on this issue. She said mean things about my GF on Instant Messanger even before they met for my GF eyes to see. Opinions and assumptions that held no merit. I was very surprised at the comments made.

[SaneorInsane]

She says that she questions my morals on sex because I dated and had sex with 3 times more people than she has had in the past. She thinks I use sex to feel better about myself. She hopes I don't do that to her.

 

Wow, when I write it down, she does sound horrible.

[Just A Girl2]

If your Mom has mental health issues, then your g/f should cut her some slack.

 

You started off here painting a picture of a really vocal, controlling, manipulative girlfriend. As you continue to respond, it seems you're trying to excuse your g/f's behavior/words...and you're focusing on how your mother is.

 

Nothing changes the fact that your g/f has had the nerve and rudeness to say that she'd be embarassed to have your parents as inlaws. What part of that don't you get? This is a HORRID thing to say to one's partner..... How can you not GET how rude that is?

 

And how can you be 'okay' with someone dissing your parents for not having a college education?

 

Your g/f has been with you for 8 months........she disses you (says you have no life), she disses your family, she insults them to you, she's trying to guilt/manipulate you into having very limited contact with them and she has issues with YOUR PAST (which you've never elaborated on). Hey, if this is the kind of quality gal you dig, knock yourself out. Most men wouldn't put up with a woman like this for 10 seconds.

 

Best of luck, you're going to need it.

[SaneorInsane]

I just was trying not to give you a one sided view, wanted you to be clear on both sides. Trying not to be all negative about her. I wouldn't be with her if it was all negative believe me. There are good things about her and these issues come back from time to time.

 

I guess, what im saying, is that when my mom acts the way she does, I tend to be a little unsympathetic with her and it makes it easier to accept my GF's issues about her.

[Just A Girl2]

Are you a guy or gal? Your profile says you're a 'female' yet I got the impression you were a guy.

 

I found a previous post of yours here, from a few months ago.....where you gave more info on your g/f:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=20214

 

She was upset that you went to visit your mother for an hour? In your recent posts here, she didn't like the fact that you visited your Mom in the hospital? In your past post (link above) she made it clear she wanted to be #1 in your life but felt it okay to go spend weeks away with a friend for vacation?

 

Again, she sounds spoiled, a control freak, bossy, wants her own way, judgmental...and like a real b*tch. but hey, if that's what you like....

 

My mother went into the hospital, and she was upset I left her house and drove two hours to visit her. Says that I shouldn't pick up and leave so quickly. Wants to be the priority. What do you think about my GF? Is she too harsh?

 

Possessive, jealous control-freak. What kind of human being would begrudge their partner of visiting their ill mother in the hospital and "picking up and leaving quickly"? What the hell? What, should you have gotten her permission to leave in a week? HOw insane.

[quankanne]

JAG's got some valid points about these two women trying to manipulate you. Your mom you can't exactly cut out of your life, but there are ways of dealing with the situation, i.e., not putting up with the drama and setting boundaries of what is acceptable. Your girlfriend? Well, she doesn't sound like a very nice person -- it's one thing to be concerned about how well she will mesh with you/your family, but a completely other situation when she puts down your family for being blue collar, for not trying to help you find a "happy medium" in your relationship with your mother, or even dissing you about your past sex life! Sounds like she's only looking out for herself, and do you really need to get tangled up with someone like that for the rest of your life? I mean, really, this sounds like it's the best it'll ever be between the two of you because she's got expectations that aren't very reasonable ...

 

as for your mom and her in the same room ... well, I think most women will tell you that they don't find their MiLs their favorite people, but many of them will also tell you that they do what they can to encourage a good relationship between their husband and his mom. I can take or leave my MiL, but I'll be damned if my husband thinks he can let the line of communication slip between the two of them! Especially when I have to explain over and over to him that she needs to hear from him even if she's too cheap to call him. And I've told her that it's not about me visiting or calling (or rather my lack of doing so), but that I make sure that HE has a decent relationship with HER because this is her only son and she prolly sees him as her little boy still. THAT'S what is important to me, not the fact that I can take her or leave her.

 

JAG, you crack me up --- piss up a rope and suck the wet end? ROTFLMAO ... and thanks for the image!!!!