Married boss flirting with me...

[confusedgirl85]

Ok so the worst part came today... we have a chat system were we work and most of our conversations are there, so we were chatting about work, what time was i leaving and what plans i had for the week, and all of the sudden he says "i wanna come over to you house tomorrow night, can i?" i just asked what time he said 9:30pm, after work, then i said i go home at 7, dont u? and he said no tomorrow ill leave at 9:30 can i come to your house then? And i never answered back, then he had to leave and said tell me tomorrow i gotta go, take care.

 

Now that little chat makes me nervous... i have no idea how to tell him no he cant come to my house at 930pm tomorrow!!!

 

And yes im american, latin american precisely.

[carhill]

Visiting parents, friend, etc. and won't be home.

 

Hey, maybe he'd like to meet your dad?

[Trialbyfire]

Why not say "No, I don't think this would be an appropriate idea."?

[carhill]

She wouldn't be here if she could do that.

[whichwayisup]

i have no idea how to tell him no he cant come to my house at 930pm tomorrow!!!

 

1)You're my boss and married so it's completley inappropriate of you to come to my house. BUT, if you would like to come over with your wife and children, that's okay..

 

Just say no. You are an adult. Why are you scared to say NO to him? Are you afraid he'll fire you or something?

 

Have you thought about getting another job? This man has no respect for you as his employee. He sees you as a piece of meat, sorry to be crass here, but this is just wrong.

[carhill]

I have a feeling it's a boundary issue. She has a hard time setting boundaries with males. It could be cultural or situational. OP, what is your experience with males as authority figures? Is your family traditional in cultural practices (Latino/Hispanic)?

[TheRain]

Hey, you never know what he will do at your house just the two of you. He might rape you.

[confusedgirl85]

Maybe yes i have a hard time setting boundaries with males, especially since i dont have another male authority figure like a father... ive always lived with my mom. So males in my life is not something im used to (havent had any real boyfriends) and im not so sure what you mean by traditional? Like what for example?

[carhill]

Hispanic/Latino families in the traditional ways have very defined roles for fathers/mothers/children, in addition to fairly rigid male/female roles. Who were the defining male role models in your life? Uncles/grandfathers, etc? Friends/love interests of your mother? Just trying to get a handle on what formed your perceptions of how men are and your role with them.

 

I have close female friend who had similar boundary issues when she was young and did get into an affair with her boss at your age, except she was married. Not pretty. I've never heard so much pain in my life. Don't want that to happen to you.

 

The ladies here have great advice, likely better than mine, but you need to be strong to take it. Do you think you can do what they are suggesting? It's pretty confrontational, and he is your boss. Only you know the exact circumstances and your psyche.

[confusedgirl85]

The only male role i've ever had is my uncle, who is like a dad to me. But he's in my life in a very pasive way, i mean he doesnt interfere with what i do or say, or what my mom says. Its been always just me and my mom, just both of us. In case of love relationships like i said ive nver been in a serious relationship, not even close to it.

 

I dont know if im strong enough like you say, but i guess i will have to be. I dont want to be involved in a office scandal... or something worst.

[Lookingforward]

Ok so the worst part came today... we have a chat system were we work and most of our conversations are there, so we were chatting about work, what time was i leaving and what plans i had for the week, and all of the sudden he says "i wanna come over to you house tomorrow night, can i?" i just asked what time he said 9:30pm, after work, then i said i go home at 7, dont u? and he said no tomorrow ill leave at 9:30 can i come to your house then? And i never answered back, then he had to leave and said tell me tomorrow i gotta go, take care.

 

Now that little chat makes me nervous... i have no idea how to tell him no he cant come to my house at 930pm tomorrow!!!

 

And yes im american, latin american precisely.

 

Is there anyway you can log the chat messages? This is sexual harassment.... you need to take it up with HR...but having hard evidence would be best.

[carhill]

The only male role i've ever had is my uncle, who is like a dad to me. But he's in my life in a very pasive way, i mean he doesnt interfere with what i do or say, or what my mom says. Its been always just me and my mom, just both of us. In case of love relationships like i said ive nver been in a serious relationship, not even close to it.

 

I dont know if im strong enough like you say, but i guess i will have to be. I dont want to be involved in a office scandal... or something worst.

Well, let's make sure your first serious relationship isn't an affair with a married man, shall we?

 

Let me ask you; when you interact with males in your culture, like your uncle, do you feel or act deferential to them (like a respect for their "authority")? Do you feel they have "power" over you?

 

Also, are you comfortable with your sexuality and how it affects the men around you? Sometimes, unconsciously, you're sending out signals which men pick up on. I know this was a big issue for my female friend. She hated the sexual attention but felt (sadly) that sex was a way to get men to like her. Even all these years later, I still sense that from her. I ignore it, but I can see how it still affects other men. I don't know where it comes from. It happens even when she wears no makeup and dresses in sweats.

 

The key to dealing with your boss is understanding and trusting yourself and your strengths. IMO, a direct approach like others here have suggested is the best, quickest, most honest way; I hope you're up to it. Be prepared to be uncomfortable but try to keep a calm exterior. If you have any e-mails/chats, save and print them and keep them in a safe place.

 

Keep us posted on your progress.

[confusedgirl85]

Is there anyway you can log the chat messages? This is sexual harassment.... you need to take it up with HR...but having hard evidence would be best.

 

Yes theres a message history all our chats are recorded there i have that... but im not sure i wanna take it to HR.

[confusedgirl85]

Well, let's make sure your first serious relationship isn't an affair with a married man, shall we?

 

Let me ask you; when you interact with males in your culture, like your uncle, do you feel or act deferential to them (like a respect for their "authority")? Do you feel they have "power" over you?

 

Also, are you comfortable with your sexuality and how it affects the men around you?

 

Well yeah im sure its not going to be with a married man, but all men that come to me are married, divorced, separated, with children, and thats why i havent had a real nice relationship.

 

About your question with males in my culture? I am more shy with them i guess, and i dont know if i feel they have power over me.. some do like my boss, but for instance my male coworkers no, my uncle yes because he is like a father to me.

 

And about my sexuality.... well im not sure about that given the case im not sexually active or i dont consider my self sexy at all i dont know..

I dont feel i have an effect on men like u say

[carhill]

Hmm, why does this sound familiar...

 

I would say to review this thread tonight and sleep on it. Sometimes a good night's sleep will give you perspective. I think you'll find direction. Is it possible to talk to your mother about this? She might be able to reinforce some of the advice the women here have given you or offer some of her own experience. I'm glad you came here for help before doing anything you might later regret.

 

Remember, one day at a time and don't do anything your instincts tell you is wrong.