Introversion

[Storyrider]

Are you an introvert or an extrovert, and how does it affect your day to day life?

 

My therapist loaned me a book called The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. According to the written test, I'm almost as introverted as one can possibly get. (This doesn't mean shy, necessarily, just inwardly focused.)

 

The book provides workarounds for making the best of your temperament in different situations, and takes a sort of knowledge-is-power approach.

 

It includes theories about how brain chemistry and genes influence the introvert/extrovert temperaments. She theorizes that there are evolutionary advantages to each temperament.

 

She also discusses some lesser known aspects of introversion that I had never clued in on, that explain some things about me. One was the desire to have long swaths of time without interruption because introverts derive energy from having access to a continuous inner stream of thought.

 

When I used to work full time, my job automatically provided this, as I was at the computer for at least fifty percent of the time, working alone.

 

Parenting is one of the worst jobs for this, as kids naturally interrupt to ask for things, to get their needs met. I think this is why I get so overwhelmed and freaked out after not getting time alone, and try to make up for it by staying awake until 2 AM, as this is the only time I get alone at a stretch with no one expecting me to interact.

 

If I have a lot of social obligations in a given week, it completely taxes me. I think this explains why I felt so drained the day I had been at the kids' party at the museum and H and I later got into that fight about me withdrawing from my parenting obligations.

 

On that day, when I told him I was feeling the need to be alone and decompress, he gave me a bunch of reasons why I shouldn't have felt that way because the morning I'd had was simply not that difficult. (I only had one kid instead of two at the museum, I was only at the museum for three hours, etc.)

 

Yesterday, when I was telling my H about the premise of the book, he responded that you shoud not let temperament control your choices, but instead strive to do the morally right thing and rise above your temperament. I don't think he understood the premise of the book. I think he's afraid it gives a free pass to just indulge one's weaknesses.

[Taramere]

Yesterday, when I was telling my H about the premise of the book, he responded that you shoud not let temperament control your choices, but instead strive to do the morally right thing and rise above your temperament. I don't think he understood the premise of the book. I think he's afraid it gives a free pass to just indulge one's weaknesses.

 

From some of your other posts, Story, I think your husband is temperamentally driven towards duty and responsibility. In terms of personality types, a natural Guardian. If so, fairly fixed moral codes might still be difficult for him to adhere to at times - but not to the extent that they are for certain other personality types.

 

I don't know if you've ever done the keirsey temperament sorter test but I would have you pegged as an INFP. I suspect quite a few people on a board like this would have a tendency towards that category - but you in particular.

 

Every personality type has its strengths and weaknesses...and obviously if you have kids, the need to have a lot of space away from them could definitely be problematic. More so if your need for space and privacy has become a real bone of contention between you and your husband....because almost certainly you'll want to rebel against/escape from his judgements by creating even more opportunities for private time away from the rest of the family.

 

That need for a lot of personal space is something that can be hard for more extrovert people to understand, and I think they can take it very personally. They think that the fact that you need some time to yourself must mean there's something wrong with you, them or the relationship. And the more they think in those terms, the more you want to escape from them.

 

You're in the very difficult position of having young children who are clearly going to be needy of a lot of your time and attention....and of course you do have a responsibility to give them that. A child's needs are, after all, paramount....but it doesn't mean that your needs become a total irrelevance. You obviously have to be able to work out a routine that allows you some of that personal space you need, without staying up late into the night to get it. So, for instance, if you have a lot of social obligations one week, arranging for a babysitter for one day so that you can have that re-energising time alone that will leave you better equipped to deal with other people's needs.

 

I think that protective, controlling people can often gravitate to people with your temperament type, as there's a gentleness about it that they find appealing. Likewise, a guardian type can have a lot of attraction for a dreamer who knows that they need someone who will keep them in touch with reality and encourage them to attend to practicalities....but there's a danger of those two very different personality types becoming increasingly frustrated with the differences when they're living together. And, through that frustration and lack of acceptance, exacerbating the differences to an extent that both find very hard to tolerate.

[Trialbyfire]

Story, if you have the chance, do take that test. There's the free overview version and then some other paid, more indepth analysis. It pegged me, dead on.

[carhill]

OP, you also might want to examine the sensitivity of your nervous system. Your anecdotes sound familiar to me.

 

IMO, it's understanding oneself clearly and globally that is important, not the "type" that one necessarily is. As cognitive creatures we can modify our behavior to augment/cope with our intrinsic nervous system and personality type. Therapy does help

[CaliGuy]

Story, if you have the chance, do take that test. There's the free overview version and then some other paid, more indepth analysis. It pegged me, dead on.

 

I was curious so I took it.

 

Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicate that your personality type is that of The GuardianTM.

All Guardians share the following core characteristics:

 

Guardians pride themselves on being dependable, helpful, and hard-working.

Guardians make loyal mates, responsible parents, and stabilizing leaders.

Guardians tend to be dutiful, cautious, humble, and focused on credentials and traditions.

Guardians are concerned citizens who trust authority, join groups, seek security, prize gratitude, and dream of meting out justice.

 

Pretty much me in a nutshell.

[Trialbyfire]

I was curious so I took it.

 

Pretty much me in a nutshell.

 

Here's mine. In so many ways, it's bang on my personality.

 

Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicate that your personality type is that of The RationalTM.

All Rationals share the following core characteristics:

 

Rationals tend to be pragmatic, skeptical, self-contained, and focused on problem-solving and systems analysis.

Rationals pride themselves on being ingenious, independent, and strong willed.

Rationals make reasonable mates, individualizing parents, and strategic leaders.

Rationals are even-tempered, they trust logic, yearn for achievement, seek knowledge, prize technology, and dream of understanding how the world works.

Rationals are the problem solving temperament, particularly if the problem has to do with the many complex systems that make up the world around us. Rationals might tackle problems in organic systems such as plants and animals, or in mechanical systems such as railroads and computers, or in social systems such as families and companies and governments. But whatever systems fire their curiosity, Rationals will analyze them to understand how they work, so they can figure out how to make them work better.

In working with problems, Rationals try to find solutions that have application in the real world, but they are even more interested in the abstract concepts involved, the fundamental principles or natural laws that underlie the particular case. And they are completely pragmatic about their ways and means of achieving their ends. Rationals don't care about being politically correct. They are interested in the most efficient solutions possible, and will listen to anyone who has something useful to teach them, while disregarding any authority or customary procedure that wastes time and resources.

Rationals have an insatiable hunger to accomplish their goals and will work tirelessly on any project they have set their mind to. They are rigorously logical and fiercely independent in their thinking--are indeed skeptical of all ideas, even their own--and they believe they can overcome any obstacle with their will power. Often they are seen as cold and distant, but this is really the absorbed concentration they give to whatever problem they're working on. Whether designing a skyscraper or an experiment, developing a theory or a prototype technology, building an aircraft, a corporation, or a strategic alliance, Rationals value intelligence, in themselves and others, and they pride themselves on the ingenuity they bring to their problem solving.

Rationals are very scarce, comprising as little as 7 to 10 percent of the population. But because of their drive to unlock the secrets of nature, and to develop new technologies, they have done much to shape our world.

[MoonlightLover]

I find it best not to throw a label on yourself or be influenced to throw a label on yourself by others...you are who you are...don't like who you are then work on those areas by all means...get help if need be, don't get caught in labelling yourself...makes you feel worse and trapped in that catagory.

[Storyrider]

I will take the test, guys. No time now, as I'm off to the grocery store, but later tonight.

 

I'm not suprised that Cali is a guardian, as his thought processes are a lot like my husband's, especially in feeling empowered by a strong sense of morality. Although I have Cali pegged as more extroverted than my H.

[Storyrider]

Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicate that your personality type is that of The IdealistTM.

 

All Idealists share the following core characteristics:

 

 

• Idealists are enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, yearn for romance, seek their true self, prize meaningful relationships, and dream of attaining wisdom.
  
• Idealists pride themselves on being loving, kindhearted, and authentic.
  
• Idealists tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials.
  
• Idealists make intense mates, nurturing parents, and inspirational leaders.
  

Idealists as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self--always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

[Trialbyfire]

Sound familiar, Story?

[Storyrider]

Sound familiar, Story?

Yes, it does sound like me, except I'm skeptical of the idea that I'm all that altruistic or that I hold myself to a particularly high standard. I think I'm pretty self-absorbed and lazy.

 

Other than that, it sounds like me.

[BareGoddess]

Sorry, I can't take any tests now. Not in the mood.

 

I can tell you I'm a total introvert. No question about it. I can only socialize if I've been drinking. Period, end of story.

 

I don't care for most people. I don't trust most people. In my opinion most people only care for themselves.

[PuppyDogEyes]

I've gotten the same result for myself as Storyrider, and ... I don't know. This doesn't at all sound like me, but then I'm highly pessimistic and negative. I don't get along at all with most people, or trust them within an inch of my life, heh.

 

These results sound more of what I used to be (i.e., when I was a child and before all of the abuse) than what I am now.

 

I wonder if life experiences can alter your basic temperament... so that it would be possible to get different results at different times in your life? If I had taken this test at say, 18 as opposed to the age I am now, I have no doubt that the results would be completely different.

[PuppyDogEyes]

I don't care for most people. I don't trust most people. In my opinion most people only care for themselves.

 

Exactly.

 

-pde.

[Storyrider]

I've gotten the same result for myself as Storyrider, and ... I don't know. This doesn't at all sound like me, but then I'm highly pessimistic and negative. I don't get along at all with most people, or trust them within an inch of my life, heh.

 

These results sound more of what I used to be (i.e., when I was a child and before all of the abuse) than what I am now.

 

I wonder if life experiences can alter your basic temperament... so that it would be possible to get different results at different times in your life? If I had taken this test at say, 18 as opposed to the age I am now, I have no doubt that the results would be completely different.

Well, interestingly, all the descriptions are positive. Psychologists like to emphasize the positive.

 

I think they should include what an idealist-gone-wrong would look like. Heh.

[Storyrider]

Sorry, I can't take any tests now. Not in the mood.

 

I can tell you I'm a total introvert. No question about it. I can only socialize if I've been drinking. Period, end of story.

 

I don't care for most people. I don't trust most people. In my opinion most people only care for themselves.

What's the matter, BG? has someone in particular roused your distrust or is it just all of humanity?

[BareGoddess]

Exactly.

P

-pde.

 

Why does this make me sad? I mean I'm fine with it. It just makes me sad that others feel this way. I haven't even taken the "test". I don't have to. I know what the results will be.

 

PDE, you're like me. Not sure what to say.

 

Actually, looking at what you said...no. Ok, I don't get along with most people. So yes, we have that in common. What we don't have in common is the fact that I'm not really highly pessimistic nor am I negative.

 

I have no use for most people. But oddly, I think most people aren't bad.

 

Maybe I should take the test.

[BareGoddess]

What's the matter, BG? has someone in particular roused your distrust or is it just all of humanity?

 

Haha! You try being raised with no father and a mother like I had to be raised with.

 

No. I only trust my husband. I only trust myself. I trust no one else. No one.

[Stockalone]

Yesterday, when I was telling my H about the premise of the book, he responded that you shoud not let temperament control your choices, but instead strive to do the morally right thing and rise above your temperament. I don't think he understood the premise of the book. I think he's afraid it gives a free pass to just indulge one's weaknesses.

 

I am an introvert and even though I don't have kids, I understand how such events like the one at the museum literally drain an introvert and how we just want to recuperate afterwards.

 

On the other hand, I also understand your husband and his "come hell or high water, the job needs to get done" stance. For what it's worth, I took the test Taramere mentioned and I am a guardian. No surprise there: loyalty, duty, honor, morality; all that is very much ingrained in my personality.

 

What your husband should try to understand is that introversion is not a weakness per se, it's simply a character orientation like all the others. There are positive and negative traits. I can see how in such a situation the duty as a mother and the need for alone-time as an introvert will collide and how your husband can perceive this as a weakness.

 

I don't know if your husband thinks much of therapy, but I would give it a try and ask him to accompany you to one or two sessions, so you and your therapist can explain what it means to be an introvert. Extroverts more often than not, have little or no grasp of introversion, especially the need for alone-time. I tried to explain that having no alone-time is as bad as not getting enough sleep for a prolonged time but I don't think that people were really willing to believe that.

 

I would say that the parenting obligations are more important than alone-time though, and it seems that you are doing exactly that (putting the kids first), thus spreading yourself too thin on occasion. I think it is very important that your husband understands that so he knows why he needs to support you. I don't know if that is possible but is there any chance that you can sneak at least some alone-time in your calendar. Your husband giving you a half-hour here or there or hiring a babysitter or maybe the grandparents (if they live nearby) can watch the kids for an evening every other week or so.

[Storyrider]

Stockalone, thanks.

 

They are just finishing up spring break, one in elementary, one in pre-school (three days) so my alone time will increase somewhat again.

 

I am in therapy.

 

Interestingly, my H is definitely an introvert as well, but of a different sort. I don't think he has as much of an issue with being overstimulated, but he does reflect inwardly a lot, is introspective, somewhat reserved, etc.

 

However, he does not ever let environmental factors stop him from doing what he must. He could sleep in the middle of a disco, I think, if he needed to do so. He has jumped out of airplanes, etc, so he can bite the bullet. And he never lets side issues distract him from what he views as important.

 

One thing he does fail to factor in: He's a prof. and gets sometimes four hours a day of desk time to read and write. I believe he takes this for granted, but I don't think he'd feel as satisfied if he didn't have this as part of his daily life. I stay up late at night in order to get this. But I'm always tired.

[Stockalone]

Stockalone, thanks.

 

They are just finishing up spring break, one in elementary, one in pre-school (three days) so my alone time will increase somewhat again.

 

I am in therapy.

 

Interestingly, my H is definitely an introvert as well, but of a different sort. I don't think he has as much of an issue with being overstimulated, but he does reflect inwardly a lot, is introspective, somewhat reserved, etc.

 

However, he does not ever let environmental factors stop him from doing what he must. He could sleep in the middle of a disco, I think, if he needed to do so. He has jumped out of airplanes, etc, so he can bite the bullet. And he never lets side issues distract him from what he views as important.

 

One thing he does fail to factor in: He's a prof. and gets sometimes four hours a day of desk time to read and write. I believe he takes this for granted, but I don't think he'd feel as satisfied if he didn't have this as part of his daily life. I stay up late at night in order to get this. But I'm always tired.

 

Sorry, I must have misunderstood, I thought your husband was an extrovert. Much like your husband, I can also sleep everywhere, one of the things that have stuck with me even after leaving the military.

 

Did your husband serve or does he jump out of perfectly fine airplanes just for fun (if he is a paratrooper, probably both )?

 

I am single, so getting alone-time is easy but I still use my lunch-hour at work to read so I really feel for you if you don't have that time. Having said that, I also can relate to your husband. When I decide that a job needs to get done, I will do whatever is necessary to get it done.

 

I'd consider the need for alone-time not as a side issue, maybe you can try to work that angle with your husband. I hope he doesn't completely dismiss your concern. The way you describe him. outside help is probably not for your husband then, because accepting help would show weakness.

Edited April 7, 2008 by Stockalone

[burning 4 revenge]

Here's some Nordic Ambient to encourage less introspection

 

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=38156604

[burning 4 revenge]

I think that protective, controlling people can often gravitate to people with your temperament type, as there's a gentleness about it that they find appealing. Likewise, a guardian type can have a lot of attraction for a dreamer who knows that they need someone who will keep them in touch with reality and encourage them to attend to practicalities....but there's a danger of those two very different personality types becoming increasingly frustrated with the differences when they're living together. And, through that frustration and lack of acceptance, exacerbating the differences to an extent that both find very hard to tolerate.

Yes, very good observations

 

I see these two personality types together quite often. Generally the guardian ends up dominating out of necessity, but the dreamer can feel suffocated and resentful.

 

This can happen in friendships too, like McCartney was the guardian to Lennon's dreamer

[Taramere]

This can happen in friendships too, like McCartney was the guardian to Lennon's dreamer

 

John Lennon was a strange one. Idealistic in some ways with his Give Peace a Chance chanting....yet regularly unkind and callous to those who cared about him.

 

Then Yoko came along and he retreated completely into the womb, emerging only to produce the odd nursery rhyme. Who couldn't fail to retch to the sound of "Beautiful beautiful beautiful....beau-ti-ful bo-oy"?? And that's coming from a Healer Idealist, so it must have been bad.

[Storyrider]

Here's some Nordic Ambient to encourage less introspection

 

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=38156604

A bit bubbly if you ask me. You're like that, burning.