Defending the OW with babies

[mistresswchildren]

I have read many threads, and I have recently realized a problem. There are many people judging myself, Never Again, and Gwyn. This is all due to children related issues. I am here to say that no birth control is 100% first of all (this is why I have two kids), and second I am fairly certain that the three of us never intended to get pregnant.

 

Many of you feel that the MM should just be able to walk away. That he should not have to pay child support. This is backwards thinking in my mind. This is based on the idea that it is SOLELY the woman's responsibility to take care of a child. If you make the choice to keep your child, you are the only one responsible.

 

Also, many of you have attacked Never Again and said that she should go get a job. Are you kidding? If you have ever read any of her threads you would know that she is going through school. I am going through school. Gwyn has a job and is doing everything in her power to take care of her child. Just because we ask for child support does not mean that we are welfare cases.

 

I personally want to get to the point where I don't need his money. I would love to be able to put it aside for my children to go to college or get a car or whatever they would like to do after they are grown. I know that Never Again and Gwyn share my opinion on that. I also feel that these MM need to have some reminder of what they have done. We have a DAILY reminder. They are only reminded once a month when child support goes out. This is how it should be. The MM should either be reminded that he had a child (and should care about that child) or be reminded about his affair so that he won't do it again.

 

Look, I screwed up. I had kids with the guy. The act itself was a mistake, but the MM had plenty of input about the children after they were conceived. I know in Gwyn's case that is true as well. We do not simply get knocked up and then never say a word to the guy.

 

Then there are those of you that attack because you feel that we aren't concentrating on our children. Who are you to even say that? Until you live the life, you have no idea. My children are my world. They are my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I kiss the boo boos, I wipe the tears, I clean up the vomit, I make the trips to the hospital (recently because they both had the flu), I bathe them. Bottom line, I LOVE THEM. This is how any good mother I know treats their kids. I may have gotten involved in a crappy situation, but that does not make me a bad mother.

 

For those OW that make these comments, it can happen to you no matter how careful you are. I was on birth control that was rendered ineffective because of female issues. That was completely unplanned. I did not scheme to get pregnant. It shocked me to a degree that you could not even understand.

 

For those of you that are supportive of us, I thank you. You understand that we are doing the best we can with a very crappy situation. There are even those of you that try to snap some sense into us, and I appreciate that. I think that most of you really care.

 

Those of you that judge, get off your pedestal and come into the real world. We are human beings and as such we are fallible. Judging what you do not know and you choose not to try to understand makes you extremely narrow minded. Unless you have supportive things to say (even if they are sometimes criticism) then don't say it. There is enough drama in all of our lives. Leave it alone.

 

I just needed to vent about this because it has been bothering me ever since I joined this forum. Comment after comment of unproductive ranting. It helps no one. That goes for all threads here on OW/OM. Unless you truly believe that your comments can be productive, stop.

[Event Horizon]

If you don't like getting people's opinions then don't post. That's what this board is for and people can give whatever advice they want.

 

There was no guarantee when you joined that you would like every response you receive to your threads/posts.

 

Oh, and if you get pregnant by a married man and post about it, then be prepared to hear the truth, not just what you want to hear.

Edited April 6, 2008 by Event Horizon

[mistresswchildren]

Not saying that I would. I'm simply saying that those who post ONLY attacks and never have anything constructive to say aren't exactly giving advice are they? They are making themselves feel better by vocalizing.

[mistresswchildren]

Also, the truth and an attack are two completely different things. I know people on here who are very opinionated and sometimes "harsh," but I know it comes from a good place. Those are the people that have actually really helped me (MimiMe and WWIU)

[Event Horizon]

Some spouses have been seriously hurt by OW/OM...I was an OM and I don't blame them for their feelings. They have as much right to this board as we do.

 

There are some here who ONLY support the OW/OM, or at least look at things from their point of view. Should they be required to not post unless they only support the betrayed spouse?

 

I think this board has a good mix of support and cold hard truth.

[mistresswchildren]

Some spouses have been seriously hurt by OW/OM...I was an OM and I don't blame them for their feelings. They have as much right to this board as we do.

 

There are some here who ONLY support the OW/OM, or at least look at things from their point of view. Should they be required to not post unless they only support the betrayed spouse?

 

I think this board has a good mix of support and cold hard truth.

 

Again, some of these people that have "snapped some sense into me" have been those very people. Just because they were hurt does not mean that they do not have a respectful way to say something. They have a right to post. Everyone does. If you would however read the first thread here posted by the site, attacks are NOT okay.

I do not blame the BSs for saying the things that they do. Most of them, however, have really good thought provoking things to say. I do not mind that.

The point is that when you post, it should be to help others or at least make them realize the error of their ways. Not every BS is hateful and vengeful. There are a lot on here that have made really good comments. It is the minority that gets me. It is those people who just want to hear themselves talk.

[Lookingforward]

I have read many threads, and I have recently realized a problem. There are many people judging myself, Never Again, and Gwyn. This is all due to children related issues. I am here to say that no birth control is 100% first of all (this is why I have two kids), and second I am fairly certain that the three of us never intended to get pregnant.

 

Many of you feel that the MM should just be able to walk away. That he should not have to pay child support. This is backwards thinking in my mind. This is based on the idea that it is SOLELY the woman's responsibility to take care of a child. If you make the choice to keep your child, you are the only one responsible.

 

Also, many of you have attacked Never Again and said that she should go get a job. Are you kidding? If you have ever read any of her threads you would know that she is going through school. I am going through school. Gwyn has a job and is doing everything in her power to take care of her child. Just because we ask for child support does not mean that we are welfare cases.

 

I personally want to get to the point where I don't need his money. I would love to be able to put it aside for my children to go to college or get a car or whatever they would like to do after they are grown. I know that Never Again and Gwyn share my opinion on that. I also feel that these MM need to have some reminder of what they have done. We have a DAILY reminder. They are only reminded once a month when child support goes out. This is how it should be. The MM should either be reminded that he had a child (and should care about that child) or be reminded about his affair so that he won't do it again.

 

Look, I screwed up. I had kids with the guy. The act itself was a mistake, but the MM had plenty of input about the children after they were conceived. I know in Gwyn's case that is true as well. We do not simply get knocked up and then never say a word to the guy.

 

Then there are those of you that attack because you feel that we aren't concentrating on our children. Who are you to even say that? Until you live the life, you have no idea. My children are my world. They are my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I kiss the boo boos, I wipe the tears, I clean up the vomit, I make the trips to the hospital (recently because they both had the flu), I bathe them. Bottom line, I LOVE THEM. This is how any good mother I know treats their kids. I may have gotten involved in a crappy situation, but that does not make me a bad mother.

 

For those OW that make these comments, it can happen to you no matter how careful you are. I was on birth control that was rendered ineffective because of female issues. That was completely unplanned. I did not scheme to get pregnant. It shocked me to a degree that you could not even understand.

 

For those of you that are supportive of us, I thank you. You understand that we are doing the best we can with a very crappy situation. There are even those of you that try to snap some sense into us, and I appreciate that. I think that most of you really care.

 

Those of you that judge, get off your pedestal and come into the real world. We are human beings and as such we are fallible. Judging what you do not know and you choose not to try to understand makes you extremely narrow minded. Unless you have supportive things to say (even if they are sometimes criticism) then don't say it. There is enough drama in all of our lives. Leave it alone.

 

I just needed to vent about this because it has been bothering me ever since I joined this forum. Comment after comment of unproductive ranting. It helps no one. That goes for all threads here on OW/OM. Unless you truly believe that your comments can be productive, stop.

 

The B/C failed you twice ? Surely after the first time you knew enough to not fall pregnant again and compound the issue. Once is understandable in that instance, twice is inexcusable (at least if you want us to believe it was unplanned).

 

NM and G have only had the one child by the MM and from what I can see never treated it as a "relationship". You were obviously hoping for far more from your MM. Please correct me if I have the wrong impression here.

 

I'm not "judging" you, just pointing out the inconsistency.

[Event Horizon]

Again, some of these people that have "snapped some sense into me" have been those very people. Just because they were hurt does not mean that they do not have a respectful way to say something. They have a right to post. Everyone does. If you would however read the first thread here posted by the site, attacks are NOT okay.

I do not blame the BSs for saying the things that they do. Most of them, however, have really good thought provoking things to say. I do not mind that.

The point is that when you post, it should be to help others or at least make them realize the error of their ways. Not every BS is hateful and vengeful. There are a lot on here that have made really good comments. It is the minority that gets me. It is those people who just want to hear themselves talk.

Well if the world was a fair place then the betrayed spouses wouldn't have had to worry about people like you and me.

 

They have to put up with us and what we did...I think we can take whatever is said about it here. At least that's my opinion. Compare your problem with posters here, to the wife's problem of another woman being pregnant by her husband.

 

E..H

Edited April 8, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lookingforward]

And don't even start with the forum rules....life has rules too and we didn't see a problem breaking those..huh?

 

E..H

 

"attacks" are more often than not dependant on the perception rather than the reality too. Just my opinion.

[mistresswchildren]

I understand what you are saying, and not every one knows my situation. The second time was a broken condom, I'll be honest about that. I was still breast feeding so I couldn't be on birth control. That wasn't even the issue though. He forged a divorce decree and showed it to me. We signed a lease together. I thought we were going to be together otherwise I would have stopped sleeping with him. I wasn't about to have another one. He was living with me (later I found out she was just in military training). I thought the divorce was one signature away (hers of course). I realize that I should not have trusted him, but when you think that the sun is shining through, you start to believe the things that he says.

 

When I realized that the divorce decree wasn't real, it was too late. That is when I realized how far this guy would go to lie. That is when I finally realized what I needed to do. Ending it is hard, but I know it is what is best. I mean, this guy is a pathological liar, and he is no longer my problem.

[Lookingforward]

I understand what you are saying, and not every one knows my situation. The second time was a broken condom, I'll be honest about that. I was still breast feeding so I couldn't be on birth control. That wasn't even the issue though. He forged a divorce decree and showed it to me. We signed a lease together. I thought we were going to be together otherwise I would have stopped sleeping with him. I wasn't about to have another one. He was living with me (later I found out she was just in military training). I thought the divorce was one signature away (hers of course). I realize that I should not have trusted him, but when you think that the sun is shining through, you start to believe the things that he says.

 

When I realized that the divorce decree wasn't real, it was too late. That is when I realized how far this guy would go to lie. That is when I finally realized what I needed to do. Ending it is hard, but I know it is what is best. I mean, this guy is a pathological liar, and he is no longer my problem.

 

God, what a JERK (I can't type the word I really want to). If it was me I would have had NO compunction in reporting him to his commanding officer, trust me.

[Event Horizon]

God, what a JERK (I can't type the word I really want to). If it was me I would have had NO compunction in reporting him to his commanding officer, trust me.

Reporting only after he didn't leave the wife?

 

Only after the affair is over?

 

That's cowardice and nothing but being a rat. Just my opinion.

 

I agree with what you said about attacks being perceived rather than real.

[Lookingforward]

Reporting only after he didn't leave the wife?

 

Only after the affair is over?

 

That's cowardice and nothing but being a rat. Just my opinion.

 

I agree with what you said about attacks being perceived rather than real.

 

No, reporting him as soon as I found out the truth about the forged divorce papers. That would have been the dealbreaker right there and all bets would have been off.

[mistresswchildren]

God, what a JERK (I can't type the word I really want to). If it was me I would have had NO compunction in reporting him to his commanding officer, trust me.

 

That gets a little too complex though. One minute he says he doesn't want anything to do with the kids, then he says that if I ruin his career he wants joint custody. He tries to use that against me (really screwed up, I know).

 

Also, if he doesn't have a job he cannot pay child support or get the kids covered medically. Right now, I'm finishing school, so I don't really want that to happen. If he does kicked out, his career options are slim. Who wants to higher a guy that got dishonorably discharged?

 

I think it is less messy if I just leave him to his life and concentrate on mine and the kids. It's best for all involved (except maybe his W because she has to live with him). I actually really feel for his W. I know that he is capable of those kind of lies, he won't stop. I'm not sure that he knows the truth from a lie anymore. I truly believe that he is a pathological liar.

[TheRain]

The truth is you would not be having all these "problems" if you did not have sex with a married man. You brought it all upon yourself.

[Lookingforward]

That gets a little too complex though. One minute he says he doesn't want anything to do with the kids, then he says that if I ruin his career he wants joint custody. He tries to use that against me (really screwed up, I know).

 

Also, if he doesn't have a job he cannot pay child support or get the kids covered medically. Right now, I'm finishing school, so I don't really want that to happen. If he does kicked out, his career options are slim. Who wants to higher a guy that got dishonorably discharged?

 

I think it is less messy if I just leave him to his life and concentrate on mine and the kids. It's best for all involved (except maybe his W because she has to live with him). I actually really feel for his W. I know that he is capable of those kind of lies, he won't stop. I'm not sure that he knows the truth from a lie anymore. I truly believe that he is a pathological liar.

 

Not the kind of man the military wants in a position of command, I wouldn't think.

[mistresswchildren]

The truth is you would not be having all these "problems" if you did not have sex with a married man. You brought it all upon yourself.

 

I LOVE YOU TOO RAIN!!!

[Lookingforward]

My daughter's father and his new W decided at one point they were going to go for custody - the same couple that couldn't find the time to babysit her for me one night a week because it didn't fit into their "schedule" LOL

 

It's usually hot air I've found.

[Event Horizon]

No, reporting him as soon as I found out the truth about the forged divorce papers. That would have been the dealbreaker right there and all bets would have been off.

The truth about the divorce papers??

 

What about the promises this man made to his wife?

 

Reporting him now would just be vengeance. The OP has not cornered the market on truth. Not by a long shot. Having children with a married man and she's worried about the truth????? Now????

 

I don't think so. When it comes to an affair, selfishness is the order of the day, and telling now would just be more of the same.

 

E..H

[Lookingforward]

The truth is you would not be having all these "problems" if you did not have sex with a married man. You brought it all upon yourself.

 

So enlighten us - what's YOUR story, morning glory ?

[TheRain]

The lesson to others: Choose your partner very carefully and have higher standards.

[Lookingforward]

The truth about the divorce papers??

 

What about the promises this man made to his wife?

 

Reporting him now would just be vengeance. The OP has not cornered the market on truth. Not by a long shot. Having children with a married man and she's worried about the truth????? Now????

 

I don't think so. When it comes to an affair, selfishness is the order of the day, and telling now would just be more of the same.

 

E..H

 

Well I have to agree with that one - it's too late now, but there was a definite window of opportunity where it would have been the RIGHT thing to do, imo

[TheRain]

And second lesson is that it's a irrebuttable presumption that your standard is low if you get involved with someone who's already married.

[mistresswchildren]

Well I have to agree with that one - it's too late now, but there was a definite window of opportunity where it would have been the RIGHT thing to do, imo

 

I'm not sure there was ever a right time to do it. Unless he still hadn't come through on the child support, there was no reason to do it.

 

I think I would feel like it was vengeance, like I wanted to hurt him as bad as he hurt me. I think that being that vengeful would make it impossible for me to move on. It would obviously show that I had never gotten over it. I don't want to be that way. If I'm going to make sure that this is over, that means that I get out of his life.

 

The military is aware of the situation though. The MPs have a whole file on it because he took off on me right before Christmas of 2006. At that point, I had no money and no way to get home. He had brought me to post because he had to "move some of his stuff out." I didn't even have a car. I had no choice but to go to the MPs so that I could get out of there. They know what happened. His chain of command just never did anything. That was enough of an experience for me. After that one encounter, I didn't want to go through the military any more.

 

Luckily, I got the lease voided, so it all turned out. I am now far away from where he lives when he isn't deployed. I have turned my life around. I am finishing school and probably happier than I have been in a long time. I want to keep it that way. I don't want to mess with him because he will just mess with me right back.

[mistresswchildren]

And second lesson is that it's a irrebuttable presumption that your standard is low if you get involved with someone who's already married.

 

My standards aren't low because I always have you Rain! You know how much I think of you!