Why "settle" for a second chance?

[CaliGuy]

You know I was thinking today, why would anyone "settle" for a second chance? We know the odds of a second chance succeeding are slim. Why wouldn't you rather start over with someone new, than start over with someone old?

 

Is it because....

 

a) We don't think we'll find anyone else?

b) We don't think we'll find anyone better?

c) Many more I'm not even going to waste time listing.

 

Do you remember your ex? They were new once too. You found them, they found you. And so will someone else.

 

My point is, it's better to start NEW with a fresh face who does not carry any reminders of past hurts into the relationship.

 

We quite often discourage ourselves from succeeding with someone new when in reality our chances at happiness really revolve around one simple thing: "Letting go of the past."

 

You can't move forward and meet that wonderful, great new person the entire focus of your present life is spent trying to force someone to be with you -- who doesn't want to be. You can't do it. It won't work.

 

So my advice to everyone fighting for a second chance is let it go and move on. The sooner you do, the sooner true happiness will find YOU.

 

Cheers!

Edited April 7, 2008 by CaliGuy

[Marin]

I don't think that is a fair generalization. Lots of couples have realized they belonged together and ended up married, after breaking up for a while!

Just because you wanted to get back with your ex and it didn't work out, doesn't mean it doesn't work out with someone else. It's very situational. I actually think that is pretty obvious.

Cheers!

[wareagle]

Good post. I wish it were that easy though. LOL. Maybe one day we will let go and live our lives.

[ahah2322]

Why 'settle' for a second chances?

 

''Is it because....

 

a) We don't think we'll find anyone else? NO

b) We don't think we'll find anyone better? NO''

 

Because you know it will work out, if both parties put in the neccessary effort. Because we should never 'settle' for someone less-than-deserving. There is a distinction between settling for second chances and for people less-than-deserving of our love.

 

I am deeply saddened and woeful when people put down the notion of second chances. This (unwarranted) pessimism will influence other people, and like i've said before, the reason why second chances often don't work out is this self-fulfiling negative prophecy.

 

Once a relationship with a SO has soured, we should just bail and start over with someone new? What is love without effort?

 

I honestly believe that once people are self-assured, independent and confident, they will have no problem handling relationship trauma because it will not be 'trauma' at all. Independent people makes for healthy interdependence. If interdependence don't work out, independence still holds. Independence entails not being afraid to try new things and accept challenges, be it putting in effort to make second chances work or dating new people.

 

Please do not put down the notion of second chances because that is akin to obliterating the conception of hope. When 2 people are committed to making it work out, we should be hopeful- because that will not be based on false hope.

[Star Gazer]

Genius!!

 

I heart you, CG. Please move north.

[Biker2007]

CG,

 

I am w/ you 99% of the time, but I do feel like second chances can work out.

 

The chances are not good (I will freely admit), but some of the best relationships that I see from my circle of friends are examples of people making a second attempt. In each case, all parties were self aware enough to realize they had to make some compromises and let go of their stubborn ways.

 

If both parties involved in making a second attempt are willing to put in the work, there is a chance. If it is a one sided effort, then I agree w/ you 100%...the second attempt will probably end like the first one.

[CaliGuy]

Because you know it will work out, if both parties put in the neccessary effort. Because we should never 'settle' for someone less-than-deserving. There is a distinction between settling for second chances and for people less-than-deserving of our love.

 

See, that's just it. You need two people willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. If they walked away from you once, there's a real good chance they'll do it again.

 

I am deeply saddened and woeful when people put down the notion of second chances. This (unwarranted) pessimism will influence other people, and like i've said before, the reason why second chances often don't work out is this self-fulfiling negative prophecy.

 

Ask around. Take a poll. Find out just how many people have made a second chance work. You'll see it's not pessimism but fact. The odds of a second chance working are very slim. (my estimates are about 5%) With that in mind, I wonder out loud why people would be so apt to throw their future away?

 

Once a relationship with a SO has soured, we should just bail and start over with someone new? What is love without effort?

 

If they truly loved you, they wouldn't have walked away. If they truly tried and it didn't work out (for them or for you), why beat your head against the wall trying to fit a square peg in a round hole?

 

I honestly believe that once people are self-assured, independent and confident, they will have no problem handling relationship trauma because it will not be 'trauma' at all. Independent people makes for healthy interdependence. If interdependence don't work out, independence still holds. Independence entails not being afraid to try new things and accept challenges, be it putting in effort to make second chances work or dating new people.

 

Please do not put down the notion of second chances because that is akin to obliterating the conception of hope. When 2 people are committed to making it work out, we should be hopeful- because that will not be based on false hope.

 

That's just it.

 

It takes TWO COMMITTED PEOPLE to make a second chance work. If you find me two committed people, I'll show you a relationship, not a second chance.

 

My point is, once it comes to someone saying it's over then you no longer have two committed people. You have one person desperatly grasping at straws and another moving foward, maybe with someone new. That in no way constitutes a relationship.

 

I'm not trying to crush anyone's dreams. I'm trying to get them out of their own pit of despair. If a second chance is to come, there's nothing one can really do to force it. It will occur on it's own. And that's normally when the dumpee gets their act together and moves on with their life.

 

And quite often when that second chance does come along, they won't want it anyway.

 

Cheers

[ahah2322]

i don't think it's fair to generalize i.e.

If they truly loved you, they wouldn't have walked away. If they truly tried and it didn't work out (for them or for you), why beat your head against the wall trying to fit a square peg in a round hole?

 

There are many reasons why relationships didn't work out in the first place. No relationship is smooth-sailing all the time. Bailing out may be a weakness. It may be due to a variety of plausible and practical reasons i.e. physical constraints, time, et cetera.

 

In any case, i think we both do agree that the quintessence is that we should always live for ourselves first (my point about being self-assured, confident, independent) i.e. each and every one of us does not NEED a special someone or even a relationship in any way. We differ only in the trifling sense that I believe that we should not rule out possibility of and be pessimistic about second chances working out, not to say that we live in false hope, of course.

[ahah2322]

CG, i do love all your posts about living for oneself. that should be the way! life is too short for depression, misery and definitely giving someone the rein of our personal happiness.

 

I feel so sad for posters who find 'moving on' (i.e. not disregarding second chances but living life for oneself) arduous. I wish them strength and wellness.

[Tormented]

You know I was thinking today, why would anyone "settle" for a second chance? We know the odds of a second chance succeeding are slim. Why wouldn't you rather start over with someone new, than start over with someone old?

 

I think the circumstances surrounding a breakup dictates the success rate of a second chance.

 

If the breakup occurred from a unforseen event or change that effects the relationship in a negative way but is not within the control of either partner, (having to relocate for college or a new job, or suddenly finding themselves in a position of having to care for a chronically or terminally ill relative, or falling into a depression as the result of a traumatic event, for instance), then the chance for a successful reconciliation down the road is favorable.

 

In cases like the above, trust was not broken nor abused. When trust remains intact, there is hope.

 

However...if the breakup occurred as the result of lying, cheating, abuse (verbally, physically or emotionally), immaturity, game-playing, indecisiveness, (one day they love you, the next they don't), possessiveness/controlling/extreme jealousy, rebounding, or sudden "disappearing" acts only to return with a myriad of feeble excuses...it is best you walk away and never turn back.

 

In a case where the trust has been broken or abused, there is next to no hope. Many people fall into the trap of thinking they can "forget and forgive" the betrayal, only to find that no matter how hard they try to forgive...they will never forget. Never again will you fully trust them, not like you did before because they have proven to you that they are indeed capable of betraying you. You might learn to trust again in given time, but not to the extent before the betrayal because the dynamics in the relationship has changed. Denial will see you through for a period of time, but eventually it will wane and you will be forced to face the reality that you are in a relationship with somebody that you truly do NOT fully trust. A lack of trust only serves to constipate the growth in a relationship, and a relationship that fails to grow will eventually die.

 

I know....believe me, I know!

 

~T~

[sandflea]

Another great post by CaliGuy!

 

My best buddy used to say the same thing to me.

 

I'd say: "I want her back"

He'd say: "No, you don't".

 

He was right!

 

Cheers! Happy Hunting!

 

SF

[John Who]

I would love a second chance with my ex,I don't care about this move on look ahead crap,I know what I want I know how I feel.

 

I have been in other relationships since we D,I have hung out with other women. I'm not comparing them to my ex,I just don't have that love for them that I have towards my ex.

 

Just because it is a new start with a new face does not mean it will work out.

[sandflea]

I would love a second chance with my ex,I don't care about this move on look ahead crap,I know what I want I know how I feel.

 

I have been in other relationships since we D,I have hung out with other women. I'm not comparing them to my ex,I just don't have that love for them that I have towards my ex.

 

Just because it is a new start with a new face does not mean it will work out.

 

True - there are no guarantees. I, too, miss some elements of who my ex wife was, and I still love to remember some of the things we did - but...

 

We all romanticize the past. I think our brains also find ways to heal from terrible wrenching experiences like divorce and heart ache by blocking out the pain and negative memories. It's just how we heal.

 

Of course, everyone's experience if different - but for me, I miss the dream of what could have been. I miss the good times I remember. I've conveniently blocked out the bad times.

 

All I need is my best buddy around to remind me that I was left on Valentines day - when facing a medical crisis. Yeah. Then the "good old days" don't seem so fine.

 

What's done is done. Take your memories - the good ones - and look back and grin. Let all of the bad stuff go. Heck, be friends if you want to. But turning back the clock? No way, Jose!

 

My friend always says "Looking back is looking down". I think he's right.

 

SF

[CaliGuy]

I would love a second chance with my ex,I don't care about this move on look ahead crap,I know what I want I know how I feel.

 

I have been in other relationships since we D,I have hung out with other women. I'm not comparing them to my ex,I just don't have that love for them that I have towards my ex.

 

Just because it is a new start with a new face does not mean it will work out.

 

I never said a new face guarantees it will work out, did I? I don't remember saying that. My point is the odds of a second chance working out is extremely small. Let me put it this way.

 

If you had kids would you put them on a bus knowing that it only had a 5% chance of making it back safely? Of course not. Yet that is what most people do with their emotions when they put them all on a Bus with a 95% chance of failure. Pretty crappy odds and not a wise investment of your time, don't'cha think?!?

 

For a relationship to work in the long run, you need two people willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

You're divorced, right? I am assuming that is what "D" stands for. If that is the case, then saying "I know what I want I know how I feel" doesn't matter. How does SHE feel? It sounds like she gave up because you're divorced. I am not saying NEVER in your case, but if a relationship deteriorates to the point of divorce, I can safely say that at least ONE of you has given up and moved on. Divorce doesn't sound anything like two people working hard to make a relationship work, does it? Not to me. No how, no way.

 

Brother, the harder you chase someone, the more you end up pushing them away. If a relationship is meant to be, it will happen. There's not much you can do to force it along, but you can certainly ruin it by being aggressive. And that is what happens when men or women beg and plead (besides losing their self respect). It's a really sad and disrespectful way of trying to manipulate an ex back to them. Oh it may work for a short while but pretty soon the ex is going to realize that feeling sorry for someone is no reason to continue a relationship and they'll leave you again.

 

Being overly aggressive cages your S/O into a relationship and they'll do whatever it takes to be free of that cage. Your S/O should feel the freedom to love you, not feel like they are forced to do so.

 

Anyway, good luck to you. Take some time to read through the second chance forum. I think for every 1 success you find, there will be at least 90 failures, if not more. I don't want to sound like a doomsayer, because I am not. I think you'd find that life isn't so bad if you leave your past behind and look forward to your present and future.

 

Cheers.

[CaliGuy]

- but for me, I miss the dream of what could have been.

 

You know, I understand what you're saying. I've been there myself. We tend to put much more stock in potential when sizing up a mate than what is actually in front of us. You know what they say, right? The best indicator of future behavior, is PAST behavior. In other words, the only gauge we really have of how someone is going to behave as a mate is how they've acted in the past.

 

I'm sorry your relationship didn't end up the way you wanted, but wouldn't you rather someone new come along who loves and accepts you as you are, than waste your time on someone who doesn't want to be with you? I know I sure don't.

 

And I agree, we do tend to focus on all the positives to help push out the bad memories, but if we kept the bad memories around maybe that would help us move along faster.

 

Either way, I sure as heck wouldn't bank my happiness on a 5% chance of success.

 

Cheers

[smileysmile]

Interesting thread.

 

I am half and half here.

 

My situation is complicated. It happened so fast.

I believe in my heart we could resolve our problems.

We loved each other for heavens sake. Not over 10 yrs or 5 yrs. It was after 1 month! We felt right with each other more than others we have previously met. It still happened to quick. Moving in together, getting engaged, marriage and a child. My story is some place.

 

If I hadn't read her damn diaries I don't we would be hear today. Ok, my insecurities. My problem!

I love her and fancy her like mad. We were compatiable in many ways. If I could have just dealt with the way I channel my anger and stopped saying such hurtful things when angry (which is why she left) then we would all still be together.

Every situation is different. We had the 'spark' and 'chemistry'.

 

I don't want to go on about me again but some posters are right. Second chances can work. Its all to do with communication. Though, forgiving and forgetting is tough and if not overcome then will become a BIG problem and are we programmed to do this? We just can't help it can we? Eating away at us. It all depends. Every situation is different.

If you have kids together it makes a heck of a difference to.

 

There are some bitter and negative posters on here lol

[a-sweetart]

It takes TWO COMMITTED PEOPLE to make a second chance work. If you find me two committed people, I'll show you a relationship, not a second chance.

 

My point is, once it comes to someone saying it's over then you no longer have two committed people. You have one person desperatly grasping at straws and another moving foward, maybe with someone new. That in no way constitutes a relationship.

Cheers

 

 

This is so true. We got our second chance BUT it is only because neither of us wanted to end the relationship the first time. It was necessary for each of us to take time apart to address our own issues. However we BOTH wanted to try again when the time came. I believe that timing is a big part of what makes relationships work. Both people have to be ready and able to commit at the same time. We were not ready before, but now that we are things have been great for the past 1.5 years. So I do believe that second chances can work out, but BOTH people have to be on board. I would never wait around for someone that told me "never".

[CaliGuy]

This is so true. We got our second chance BUT it is only because neither of us wanted to end the relationship the first time. It was necessary for each of us to take time apart to address our own issues. However we BOTH wanted to try again when the time came. I believe that timing is a big part of what makes relationships work. Both people have to be ready and able to commit at the same time. We were not ready before, but now that we are things have been great for the past 1.5 years. So I do believe that second chances can work out, but BOTH people have to be on board. I would never wait around for someone that told me "never".

 

I would say your case falls well in to the exception and not the RULE category. Congrats though

 

The problem is there are a ton of people who are oblivious to their Ex moving on and flat out denying it to themselves. In the process, their life is stagnant or moving backwards, while their Exs move full steam ahead with someone new.

 

That's not a second chance. That's the end of a relationship. I mean, I hate to sound harsh but that's a reality of life. People come and go in your life quite often. When they decide to walk away from you, LET THEM.

 

How are you going to find the right person for you if you're too busy focusing in on chasing the wrong one?

 

Cheers.

[Walking away]

Yep.

 

When someone decides to walk away from you, you LET them.

 

So, so true.

 

Someone out there will never, ever want to let you go.

 

And THAT is the person you want.

[Marin]

Lots of times both people realize, after time being broken up, that they were happier when they are together. When they both mutually want to be together and both are happier with the other person than without, then it can work.

 

I do believe the odds are quite higher than you state.

 

I think your post should more encourage people not to sit around hoping for a second chance, moping around waiting for their lover to come back....or if those who really make the shot and are turned down, also it's time to move on.

 

Otherwise, just because your situation didn't work out, Caliguy, don't discount it can happen to others.

[82knightrider]

Maybe a lot of ppl posting here in the second chance forum are already beyond there second chances and working on 3rd ,4th,5th,etc chances. Id say its safe to say the odds of reconciliation diminish drastically as the chances increase?

A second chance might work if the right steps are taken by both ppl , the timing is right , and the breakup didnt involve cheating or anything drastic.

For me ,I will never ever have a chance with my ex nor would I EVER want to.After 6 years ,5 painful breakups enough was enough.Im not sacrificing my diggnity to be with her anymore. Starting a new chapter in my life.

[CaliGuy]

Lots of times both people realize, after time being broken up, that they were happier when they are together. When they both mutually want to be together and both are happier with the other person than without, then it can work.

 

I do believe the odds are quite higher than you state.

 

I think your post should more encourage people not to sit around hoping for a second chance, moping around waiting for their lover to come back....or if those who really make the shot and are turned down, also it's time to move on.

 

Otherwise, just because your situation didn't work out, Caliguy, don't discount it can happen to others.

 

 

Who said I was basing it on my situation?

 

Read this forum. Ask around. You'll find out that I'm accurate in the odds of second chances not working out.

 

I've been on LS a long time. Read a lot of threads. Seen a lot of people ruin their chances of healing by needlessly chasing something that is not meant to be. An ex -- and in the process, ruin themselves.

 

I've always encouraged people to move on with their lives and this is just one of them. I'm a firm believer in the simple fact that people who truly love you don't walk away from you.

 

FWIW, I'm glad my second chance never worked out. Tis better to be single and lonely than married and miserable

 

Cheers.

[marlena]

Sad but true.

 

Like Cali said, it is not pessimism. It is simple a fact. Second chances rarely ever work out. The time to work through problems is during the course of the relationship. If two people were unable to solve their differences whilst in the relationship, chances are very slim that they will be able to do so after a break up. A break up will only cause more insecurities and fears not to mention anxiety over whether the person who severed the relationship will do it again. The foundations of the relationship have been shaken up and it is only a matter of time before the whole edifice comes crumbling down.

 

I personally believe that this is so because people fundamentally do not change and we can not make a person change. We shouldn't even want to. Supposedly, we chose this person because we admired and respected him/her and were attracted to certain of his/her traits. If we cease to feel this way, then, it follows that the person we chose is no longer the right person for us.

 

Wanting to change someone is a wrong premise on which to build a relationship to begin with. It will never happen especially where adults with a strong and independent identity are concerned. A relationship can endure the test of time only when both partners accept each other fully and unconditionally. This means accepting eachother's faults and shortcomings, taking the bad with the good. To do this one must love the other enough to be willing to make adjustments and compromises through patience, love and understanding.

 

In a second chance situation, not only are the underlying issues still there, unresolved and waiting to surface, but there is also a lot of resentment and pain because of the break up.

 

In many ways, it is like making the same mistake twice. This is how off and on relationships drag on for years and years, causing much emotional damage.

 

At any rate, this has been my experience and the experience of a lot of people that I know. I have resolved never to do this again. If two people are right for eachother, it is apparent from the get-go.

Edited April 8, 2008 by marlena