Young and Distant: ?

[LongDistanceJeff]

Well, I don't know where to start, I guess a little background would be good.

 

 

My name is Jeff, and as my name implies, I am in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for nine months, seven of which have been long distance. We are both nineteen and attending our freshman years of college; colleges that are 5 hours apart. Before we started dating, we had been friends for a few years. I would have considered her my best friend before anything between us happened. Anyway, summer before college, we finally became a couple. Spending everyday of summer together, we both fell deeply in love. I already loved everything about her before we were dating and the transition to being in love as opposed to just loving her came very quickly. Only having spent two months together as a couple, we decided to try to make it work in college, as so many other young couple set out to do.

 

 

The first quarter of school went by quickly for both of us. Our communication was great and we were both falling more and more in love. We talked on the phone everyday, multiple times, telling each other all of the days happenings. When holidays came, we spent almost every second together, and she would tell me that at the end of each break she was even more in love, as was I. As the quarter progressed, we started expressing new developing feelings towards each other. She would often convey that she would love to spend her life with me one day, and we would talk about moving in together after college. Along with these hopeful aspirations, she began to grow. And well, I expected it. She started to make new friends and establish a new life; a life that didn't involve me and that I knew little about. I didn't mind that she was spending more time with her friends as opposed to talking to me, because I knew it was healthy. We couldn't depend on each other solely to make one another happy. My only problem here was that, unlike her, I was not adapting well in college. Being somewhat of an introvert, I was lonely and tried to make up for it by constantly needing her attention. We were still in love though, and talked about my loneliness and everything still seemed to be perfect.

 

 

Well, after the long and much needed winter break, my second quarter began. This quarter was hell. Winter took a tole on my mood and I became depressed. The cement walls of my dorm and gray and rainy exterior of Washington lent to my overall demise. My depression weighed a heavy tole on my relationship. I lost weight, cried quite frequently and felt a constantly down. I told her I felt that I could only be happy in college when I was talking to her, something that I knew was unhealthy. She, scared by this, began to fade. Our phone conversations lost there joy as well as there length. She stopped expressing her feelings for me and started spending a lot more time with her other friends. She hesitated in everything with me and became distant. This made the depression worse. I ended up going to some counseling sessions and was able to get out of the depression, but she was still distant. As much as I tried to convey to her that I was better, but nothing seemed to work. All the while, she was still growing in college and I felt like even less important piece of her life. Finally on Valentines day, we over a long phone conversation, it finally got through to her that I didn't need to constantly talking to her to be happy, all I needed was to know that her and my relationship was okay. Well, soon after our relationship became much stronger. The conversations came back and the expressing of feelings returned. No longer did she talk about the future with me though, which bothered me. It only bothered me because I felt that we once shared something we don't anymore, which made me feel as though she wasn't as blissfully in love as I was.

 

 

Ever since that issue, I have felt distant from her. We still talk everyday, webcam occasionally and still love each other very much but something is missing that once wasn't. It's now the final quarter of school, and things are at the worst they have been in a while. I moved out of the dorms into an apartment where I am isolated and extremely lonely. Her new life is continuing to flourish, and mine is not; her life is changing and evolving, mine isn't. I'm scared she will grow out of me. I know she loves me, but I think her new life is taking priority. I guess ever since we had that first mishap about my depression, I lost the confidence in our relationship that I once had. I live in constant fear of her finding someone else or forgetting about me. Lately we haven't been talking as much. She has been hanging out with her friends more, including watching movies with this one guy, someone I am very jealous of because her and I used to watch so many movies together. The phone conversations aren't as long and she no longer expresses her feelings as consistently as she used to. For example, although this may sound lame, she no longer posts loving remarks on my facebook wall and doesn't call me except for at night, and occasionally in between classes. I feel as though if I were to take as little initiative to communicate with her as she does me, we would speak quite infrequently and for very short amounts of time. I guess I'm currently struggling with lonely and isolation here, and it doesn't help that we don't' get to talk as much. Worst of all, is that although we talk everyday, I wouldn't call it “good communication”, it's seems to just be routine, and I hate that. We have talked about how I feel, and it usually ends up with me saying “I'm sorry, I'm irrational and just being petty.” However, I don't' know if this is true, or if I am just giving in to her logic. I'm confused about what to do. I love her more than anything, and I know she loves me, I just wish that I felt more confident in our relationship. I wish our communication was stronger, and that I seemed like less of an obligation to her. I don't know if my line of thought is rational or justifiable, but as I'm writing this it is how I feel. Any advice please.

Edited April 7, 2008 by LongDistanceJeff
Word choice

[TMichaels]

Have you considered transferring schools?

 

Best,

TMichaels

[LongDistanceJeff]

I've considered it but neither of us think it's a good idea. First of all, I can't afford to go to her school, it's a well-respected, private college. Aside from that, it just doesn't seem like a good move. If we were to break up say, I would probably regret the decision of going there.

[shanny]

Are you truly making your best effort to make your own life at your school? The reason I ask is because I know you love her and the idea of staying in your room talking on the phone with her is probably more tempting than going out. I'm sure you've met people there...

 

When I was in college I did the same thing. I was dating a guy at a different school (he was only an hour away though) and I turned down many invitations to go out with people and therefore had no life at my own school. I regret it to this day because as you can imagine, me and my man did not last. I could have made so many great friends and had a great time, but I chose to be a loner at my own school.

 

Maybe you have made an effort, but for some reason I doubt it. It may be hard, but as long as your girlfriend sees you hanging onto her for dear life, I think things are gonna keep going the same way.

[LongDistanceJeff]

Maybe you have made an effort, but for some reason I doubt it. It may be hard, but as long as your girlfriend sees you hanging onto her for dear life, I think things are gonna keep going the same way.

You now, I like to tell myself I am making an effort, but I know I could do better. I turn town a lot of opportunities because I would prefer talking on the phone to her or w/e. She however, never lets the opportunities pass, which is what I should be doing. I have made an effort to expand but I just have a hard time enjoying anything here, I'm bitter. I don't drink nor party so it rules out your average college-goer experience and honestly, the comfort of my own room is enough to keep me staying in.