Dishonesty in marriage

[velvetkisses]

Hi, I'm new here, and I'm hoping I'm posting this in the right spot.

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years (have known each other for 5, started dating immediately after we met). Since the very beginning, my dh has lied to me about anything, big, small, unimportant, important. This past December he confessed to me that he had had sex with a coworker about a month after we got engaged after a lot of flirting. I had before asked him pointblank if anything had happened with the woman, and he always said no.

 

After hearing this, my eyes kind of "opened" and I realized that it's not healthy to be lied to all the time, and I have considered leaving him. He says he wants to change, and has done pretty good for the most part. I feel that I can move on from the "affair" but it's all the lying he's done over the years that I don't think I can move on from. I can't tell if he's willing to work to change or not. We are seeing a marriage counselor, but she seems to be more concerned with my issues than dh's.

 

Can a habitual lier change? I guess I'm just needing some opinions on this. Hopefully someone has gone through the same thing (well, actually, I'd hate for anyone to have to go through this, but I would love to have advice from someone who's been there.)

 

Thanks!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Can a habitual lier change?"

 

They seldom do. This usually starts in childhood and most people grow out of it at some point. If they attain adulthood and continue to tell mistruths, there is pathology.

 

He doesn't have the problem. YOU do. You know he lies, you've known he lies since day one. YOU are responsible for your life, he's not. He doesn't have to stop lying. You're the one who has to get away from men who lie if you want to be in a healthy relationship with someone who you can trust to be honest with you.

 

If I had a penny for every woman who wanted to change a man, I'd be a billionaire. Now, you have to ask yourself why you have stayed with this guy so long fully knowing he is full of crap and you can't trust much of what he tells you. This is YOUR problem.

 

You may want to enlist the help of a qualified counsellor in getting away from this guy. He will be trouble all the days of your life if you remain with him. Cut your losses and run.

[velvetkisses]

It's easy to say "just leave." But it's not quite as easy when you can see some of the good things in him. Actually, your reply kind of angers me, but I don't know if it's because it hits a sore spot or because I really think it's wrong.

 

I know I'm stupid for putting up with it. I already know I can't change him, I figured that out the hard way. Kind of funny, because I never thought I'd be the type of woman who'd think she could change a man. I used to pity women who did that. Now that I've taken off my rose-colored glasses, I can see I have been doing the same thing.

 

I guess I just wonder if he can change if HE wants to change....I don't really need, or want, to know if I can change him. I already know I can't, and what's the point in trying.

 

I hate to just "give up." I don't want to leave the marriage feeling like I didn't do all I could have. Sometimes I think I'm being a total fool, and sometimes I think I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I don't even have a clue what the hell I'm doing.

[Leikela]

Sure, all people have good points but it seems as though his bad ones outweigh the good ones. Take off the rose colored glasses all the way and really see what your marriage has been reduced to.

 

1-- He CHEATED on you.

2-- There is no trust.

3-- He lies.

4-- He has no repect for you.

 

A healthy marriage/relationship is about trust, communication, honesty, and respect. You have none of that.

 

Will he change? The odds say NO. He needs massive therapy and you need to take a closer look at yourself and see why you are willing to put up with his crap. Stop enabling him and do what's best for YOU. Put yourself first in this situation and not your marriage for once. In the end, it will be you who suffers the most if you don't.

[dans]

Velvetkisses, I can certainly understand what you are saying about wanting to be certain that you have done all you can to save this marriage. I got married in December after a whirlwind romance (I met him in April). I had been married for 20 years and divorced for 10. I was not looking for a husband and when I met mine we connected in a way that I have never connected with anyone before. He was everything that I could have ever dreamed of. Then he lied to me. He had stopped smoking and one day when I smelled smoke on him I asked if he had smoked again and he denied it. I persisted and he finally told the truth. I told him that I absolutely could not tolerate a lie....big or small. He acknowledged that he had hurt me deeply and he promised to never lie to me again. He works offshore and is only home 2 weeks out of the month and two months after he lied to me he again came home smelling strongly of cigarette smoke. When I questioned him he denied it. I begged him not to lie to me again and as he looked into my eyes and told me how much he loved me he promised that he was telling me the truth. Being a former smoker, I am very sensitive to the smell. I persisted and he finally admitted that he had been smoking. I am wondering if he has lied to me about other things and I am wondering if I can ever trust this man again. I have only been in this marriage for 7 and 1/2 months and I am wondering if I should just get out now, but I too think of all the good qualities this man has. I don't want to become co-dependent but I don't want to give up too easily.

[sarahg]

I am just replying to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for four years and have discovered now that I have married a pathalogical liar. Though he has never cheated on me, he has lied to me a lot about money and has had difficulty holding down a job. It is very distressing because I have seen what he is capable of, and it is mainly his upbringing and past that contributes to his current problems. Those are things that run very deep and are difficult to reverse.

 

We have been separated for several months and have a four year old daughter. I am wanting to make things work, but am still afraid of spending all my energy and sanity on a man that may never change. I feel very guilty about these feelings even though most people tell me to think of myself and my daughter. I feel it is important to stick to a marriage even though times get tough, though most people tell me that it's better to let him go so he doesn't continue the same behavior. Letting him go will supposedly shock him (or not) into reality. But then, if we wanted to get back together there would be an even larger barrier to cross because of all the time spent separated.

 

It is very confusing and painful, I know. You want to be there for him, you have a deep bond with him. However, you would be staying in a relationship that may never change. There are consequences for both decisions that are equally frustrating and hard. I just wanted to post to let you know that I am here and I know what you are going through. I wish I had some answers for the both of us, but I am now starting to realize that there are no guaruntees; If you want to work things out with your partner, you just have to have faith that the power of your love, patience, and compassion will support him in working towards being an honest and faithful partner.

[Fedup&givingup]

Velvet,

 

I do not think you are stupid, you are a victim. I commend you trying to resolve this with your husband through therapy, and I can understand your frustration with the therapist focussing on you.

 

Here's what I think about that...marriage counsellors want the marriage to work, and she could be taking the focus off of the main subject that could inevitably end up terminating your marriage. Do you think she might be working with you more because she wants to help you to, because you got "stuck" with a liar and a cheater? If that's the case, pay attention to her.

 

Personally, I feel that continuing this marriage will leave you feeling deflated, frustrated, and cheated. You will be given more and more of this, because as Tony said, these types of liars have lied just about all of their lives. It's about what YOU and what your threshold for tolerance is.

 

Since your husband is at least willing to go to therapy, that is a good sign. He really might want to change, and that's good. Just use this opportunity for yourself as well, because this therapist might truthfully be trying to help you as well.

 

Good luck, and keep posting.

[CindyGale]

[color=blue]I have a husband that I have been married to for 14 years I have stayed with him because for years I believed he would change from his constant and pathological lies. He lies about the little things and he lies about the big things and about things that need no lie at all. I have become punch happy and where there was hope, there is nothing at all. I have a hugh vaccum now in my heart towadrs him. I cant stand being near him, I am ashamed of him, and I am afraid of him. I wish sometimes that he were dead, and sometimes that someone (the man that GOD did create for me would somehow majically find me and rescue me from this non existant life that lies have produced now in my soul.) I have come to see that there are some things that we just cannot change, and a lier is one of the hardest. It was not the thief on the cross next to Jesus that went to hell, but the lier. Our word is just as important when we speak it to one another as god's Word is to us. After all he created the the earth by mearly speaking it into existance. So when ever we lie to one another, we speak life or death with the power of our words, and lies are nothing but death sentences. Lies can only produce death, distruction, and heartbreak, and seperation. For once in your life think about your spirit ... DONT BE UNEQUALLY YOLKED .... ther eis no good thing that can come out of it. CindyGale[/color]

[moimeme]

DONT BE UNEQUALLY YOLKED

 

BTW, it's 'yoked'. No eggs involved.

 

Why, Cindy, are you not getting a divoce instead of praying for a knight in shining armour to rescue you? You can manage quite fine on your own. Get out of that marriage and go find the better man for you. What are you waiting for?

[Rightlymia]

You ladies don't forget you only live once. Get rid of those morons and move on.

[Karlise13]

This is a true story

 

Years ago I met a guy at a party . We spent some time talking. He told me all about his stint in the navy, his years spent travelling abroad and how he owned his own business. He had never gotten married because he was waiting for the right one.

 

We dated a bit and ended up sleeeping together. He left his house keys in my place and I brought them to work with me. I left a message on his cell phone saying that I had his keys and that he should stop in at my job to pick them up. I left the address of the restaurant I was working in, my name of course and the times I would be there.

 

Well, guess who stopped in to see me?

 

HIS WIFE !!!!!

She had intercepted the messages.

 

She was the saddest, most broken down person I had ever seen. She didn't even seem mad. Just resigned. She told me that she needed her husband's keys back and that I should not call the house again.

She told me, "Let me just set you straight about a few things. He has three kids. He is a pathological liar. He can't help himself. I have to go thruogh this at least once every couple of months. He tells wild stories, I know. "

 

I was in shock. To put it mildly.

I just sort of stammered, "I"m sorry. I'm so sorry"

 

She shrugged. "i'm used to it. You don't know the half of it"

 

I can't imagine anyone wanting to be her. What kind of bond is worth putting up with that????

[Miakal]

All I can say is...after I read this I wanted to poke my eye out with a fork.

 

My advice however cruel it may sound...

 

1. Obtain (1) mean, nasty divorce attorney.

 

2. Obtain (2) HIV tests...(6) months apart.

 

3. Obtain (1) functional spine....stand up and walk outta there!

 

Feel free to do these in any order.

 

Best of luck.

[marriagesucks]

Hi Velvet,

 

I was just writig to reply to you that I know exactly how you feel. My husband cheated on me a year and a half ago. The way i found out was when i was talking to him on the phone one night from work (I was 5 months pregnant working 12 hour shifts from 6pm to 6am), and we moved in with a female who also worked in the same building as my husband and i (HUGE mistake I know), and i heard her yell 'I fuc*ed your man (my name). I was so shocked i didnt know what to do, i immediately said, im really busy i have to go and hung up. i later on confronted them both seperately and asked them is that what she said (i already knew the truth i just wanted to see if they would lie to me) both of these church going people who claim to be individuals of God both lied to me, to this day i still periodically ask my husband if he slept with the female, he always says no, but i know hes lying. my husband openly told me that he purposely misleads me (misleading someone means you lie to them). Knowing that my husband slept with this female that i have to see everyday just eats the sh*t out of me day by day. i am literally turining into a very angry and rebellious person because of this. i constantly find myself wanting to harm my husband and every single female that he was ever involved with. i just have this anger building up inside of me and nowhere to put it. the reason why i am still with my husband is because i have done him wrong as well, i just never lied to him about it. but i feel that he doesnt deserve for me to leave him if he hasnt left me for cheating on him 2 times. i feel like i should forgive him like he did me. only difference between me and him is that he keeps fuc*ing up, and im making all possible efforts not to repeat what i have done wrong. bottom line is, dont put up with it any longer than you feel you need to. it will tear you down eventually. one key point: if you dont have any kids with this guy just leave him, it is as simple as it sounds.

[Thinkalot]

Your situation does not sound good at all....lacking in trust, honesty which are relationship fundamentals. I am sorry you in are this situation, but moving forward on your own sounds like the best option.

[yellowrose]

Why can't you kick the female roommate out?

 

It's your marriage, your home... keeping her around just seems, well, suicidal to the family.

 

Kick her out now!