food for thought

[quankanne]

from a March 2008 Reader's Digest interview with Sheryl Crow:

 

"When I was engaged the second time, I asked my mom how she and Dad made it for so many years. She said that every single day, you have to decide you're committed to the person."

 

and I think this is what separates the married couples who understand that the relationship comes first from those folks who indulge in affairs for whatever reasons ...

[Trialbyfire]

Those are wise words, quank.

 

When I was married, I didn't even have to do that. Regardless of who hit on me, it was unthinkable for me to consider anything beyond rebuffing them. It's what entering into marriage is all about. Forsaking all others.

 

I just don't get how anyone could ever enter into a situation of infidelity. You've given your word before everything and everyone you hold sacred and dear. In negating your word, in essence you've lied, or justified your lack of ability to stick to your given word.

[quankanne]

I also wonder if the whole "well, I can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out" mentality doesn't play into it? How committed is someone to a relationship if they're already looking for loopholes?

 

lol, I used to tell my husband that as a good Catholic girl, I wouldn't divorce him … I'd just have to kill him!

[Cobra_X30]

Those are wise words, quank. When I was married, I didn't even have to do that. Regardless of who hit on me, it was unthinkable for me to consider anything beyond rebuffing them. It's what entering into marriage is all about. Forsaking all others. I just don't get how anyone could ever enter into a situation of infidelity. You've given your word before everything and everyone you hold sacred and dear. In negating your word, in essence you've lied, or justified your lack of ability to stick to your given word.

 

That's the type of person you are more than anything.

 

I also wonder if the whole "well, I can always get a divorce if it doesn't work out" mentality doesn't play into it? How committed is someone to a relationship if they're already looking for loopholes? lol, I used to tell my husband that as a good Catholic girl, I wouldn't divorce him … I'd just have to kill him!

 

I've often wondered that myself. I think that cheating is a separate issue however. Remember people respond to consequences. If we passed a law where we executed cheaters... the percentages would go way, way down. Sure there would always be some retards... that's natural selection at work.

 

Point is that the easier divorce is... the more tempting it will be to people. I think most divorces are still initiated by women here in the U.S. In many other countries... It's men who walk out. Odd huh!

[StayClose]

Those are wise words, quank.

 

When I was married, I didn't even have to do that. Regardless of who hit on me, it was unthinkable for me to consider anything beyond rebuffing them. It's what entering into marriage is all about. Forsaking all others.

 

I just don't get how anyone could ever enter into a situation of infidelity. You've given your word before everything and everyone you hold sacred and dear. In negating your word, in essence you've lied, or justified your lack of ability to stick to your given word.

 

Many people who do cheat will point out that their spouse was forsaking them as well. The sheryl crow quote applies to spouses who have been cheated on as well.

[Trialbyfire]

That's the type of person you are more than anything.

Hold to your word or your word is worthless. If you can't hold to your word, then come right up front and state it. In doing this, you give the other person, who you vowed to love, honour and cherish, the opportunity for freedom and finding happiness, elsewhere.

Many people who do cheat will point out that their spouse was forsaking them as well. The sheryl crow quote applies to spouses who have been cheated on as well.

If one spouse is forsaking the other, time to bite the bullet and do the big "D", if the other spouse is unwilling to amend their behaviour. For those of us who've walked from our marriages, due to acts of infidelity enacted upon us, we've chosen to give the cheater and more importantly ourselves, the opportunity to find happiness, elsewhere. For those that revenge cheat, they're no better than the cheaters and third party enablers.

[OldEurope]

And I maintain, and will continue to do so, that there are times when an affair is absolutely justified in certain situations.

 

As we have seen here time after time after time, there are many spouses--let us use the guys for the sake of an example--who bust their backs trying to please their wives, to provide for the household and the children when she, the wife, may be contributing little or nothing; men who do household chores and work and help to raise the children, who are out there doing war at the office to make the money which she will spend and later tell him to make more and work harder. And when he does, she then tells him he doesn't do this and that for her and so on and so forth. She shows more interest in her friends than in him, his life, his work. The sex life then goes down the tubes. Perhaps she lets herself "go" because she is "safely" married. She takes him for granted. Marriage is now, in her mind, a meal ticket, marriage is "what have you done for me lately", it is a charge card at Saks Fifth Avenue, a free car, a health insurance policy. Then, all kinds of buried resentments, perhaps lack of self-esteem, on her part start being used as weapons against him which she will only articulate through mood swings and postures, though she will later say that the "communication" problems were his...And so on...

 

This man, this husband, in return, is waiting for apprecation. He is wanting the emotional life, the intimiate life with her. He wants to see that she cares about him, that her vows at the altar also meant something; that she is also going to "love honor and cherish" as she promised. But she is not. He tries and tries to get through to her, she rebuffs him. So he feels, in fact, betrayed. He feels that she is "cheating" him. He is also a man as well as a human being, and in this state of affairs and in his frustrated state of mind he meets someone...Someone who might be well educated, beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring, and smart. He might see that his life still has a chance.

 

He sees that he does not have to be a robot working for someone else who is a "spouse" but no longer a "wife" or the woman he thought he married. He begins an affair, both with "reason" he believes, and the power of emotion. He does not rush to the divorce court first because he honestly has wanted to be married and stay married. He also knows that should he divorce he could lose his kids and his house and his money--the things he worked for. So he is stuck. He has guilt, frustration, he feels as if his life has come to a complete stop, he craves human interaction, a woman truly in his life, the wonders and beauty of sex, emotion....Yes he has had an affair. What comes of it--the wife finds out and she divorces or she considers her share of the blame for the problems in the marriage and attempts to work it out...Or the man leaves for the second woman...or the affair stops on its own...each ending is different.

 

Is the affair "good"? Perhaps not. Is it understandable? Absolutely.

 

XOXOXO

OE

Edited April 8, 2008 by OldEurope