XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 Hi everyone. I hope I do not get bashed. I know I am being too sensitive, so please understand that when you read this. I am not sure why, but I always feel hurt when my BF points out how attractive another female is...I have always been an insecure person in this manner because of certain events that have happened in my life. I don't tell him everytime that it hurts me; I merely try to deal with it inside. I have tried so hard to stop these feelings...it is painful. These are just 2 examples and I realize I am reacting strongly. This weekend, we were watching TV and a movie premiere came on. He has DVR and rewound it so I could see how much the girl in the movie looked like Britney Spears in certain shots. I agreed that she did and I said maybe that's why they cast her. He said they cast her because she's freakin' beautiful. Then later that weekend, he rewound another commercial with a model in it and said he loved this commercial and that at a certain point the actress makes the hottest face in the history of the world. He had me watch it. I don't know why but it made me feel bad. My BF and I get along really well and I love him. He loves me too. I want to know how I can stop feeling so hurt about something so inane. Other than these comments, I have a great sense of humor. I think it makes me feel like I'm not beautiful...I don't know why. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 Your boyfriend has every right to find certain woman hot. But, he is being a turd for feeling, and acting, like that right extends to acting in a disrespectful manner towards his GF. Certain behaviours are rude at worst, and pathetic and juvenile at best ; this is one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkKittyKat Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 His actions are VERY disrespectful. He can feel whatever he likes, but that is just so out of line rewinding stuff and making you watch, and telling you how hot they are. It's not surprising you feel insecure and sad about it. I think most people would. Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel. He may not realize he is making you feel so bad. I don't think he would like it if you did the same with other guys on TV.... Link to post Share on other sites
thehappycynic Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 Men can be insensitive without meaning to be. Just tell him that it hurts your feelings, and ask him to please stop. He will always look, but he doesn't have to share every detail going through his brain while he's doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 7, 2008 Author Share Posted April 7, 2008 I don't mind that he finds other women attractive at all! I find other men attractive. That's life and it makes life beautiful. I can also find women beautiful and I understand why he finds certain women beautiful, for I see it, too! But I don't understand why these comments bother me (the one's I have outlined.) I really don't get it. How do I stop letting this get to me? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 I am not sure why, but I always feel hurt when my BF points out how attractive another female is...I have always been an insecure person in this manner because of certain events that have happened in my life. I really don't think this guy is good for you. Maybe I'm wrong... but based on other stories you have posted, his attitude is not good. You assume that this is just your problem, but it's not. It's his too. His failure to be sensitive to your insecurities just isn't good. In fact he feeds them and makes them worse. I think you deserve to have someone who makes you feel good about yourself. IMHO. I hope you don't blame yourself for everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 If I were you I would tell him that you're not interested in watching those movies or whatever... I think he will eventually stop if you say you are NOT AT ALL interested in looking at those stars.. but if he is he can look at them all he wants when you're not around.. simple.. that should work.. eventually.. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkKittyKat Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 I don't mind that he finds other women attractive at all! I find other men attractive. That's life and it makes life beautiful. I can also find women beautiful and I understand why he finds certain women beautiful, for I see it, too! But I don't understand why these comments bother me (the one's I have outlined.) I really don't get it. How do I stop letting this get to me? I think the problem is that he is acting in a way that hurts you. He's rubbing it in your face. Rewinding shows to force you to view "a model making the hottest face ever", is not going to make you feel good. No matter how self confident you are/aren't. I understand why they bother you, because they would bother me too. This is not about you being over sensitive, or needing to get over it. This is about him needing to grow up and stop acting so disrespectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 7, 2008 Author Share Posted April 7, 2008 I also want to add that he is very kind to me. He makes me dinner and lunch, etc. whenever I stay with him. He never has me cook. He tells me he loves me all the time and that he thinks I'm amazing. I am confident he believes it, so why do I feel this way? I want to know how to stop. Also, I don't mind him looking at other women. I know he watches porn and it doesn't phase me one bit. I watch it, too. But honestly, I wouldn't be interested in watching it with him because I know that certain comments would inevitably get to me. It's never the fact that he finds other women hot, I guess it's his manner about it? I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
konfuzd Posted April 7, 2008 Share Posted April 7, 2008 When my bf makes comments like that, I just turn it around and make a joke about it, or remind him of something he likes about me. In my case, I have polar fleece sheets on my bed that he loves. So, I'll just say "sure she's hot, but I bet she doesn't have fuzzy sheets" Or about the girl who makes the sexy face, I'd say something like, "I bet she makes that same face when she lets out an explosive fart she's been brewing for a while". That will change his frame of mind on her! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Also, I don't mind him looking at other women. I know he watches porn and it doesn't phase me one bit. I watch it, too. But honestly, I wouldn't be interested in watching it with him because I know that certain comments would inevitably get to me. It's never the fact that he finds other women hot, I guess it's his manner about it? I don't know.This is key, IMO. It's not that he's commenting about other women, it's how he's doing it. I'll bet it is the tone and context of his comments, not simply that he finds certain women beautiful. Maturity will teach him how to acknowledge his preferences without demeaning or hurting you. My wife and I do this all the time when out or watching TV. As a stylist, she's very much into beauty. I comment objectively on my perception of women we're talking about. It's the way I talk about them which is non-threatening to her. She values my eye. I've done the same with some of her clients when I happen to be at the salon. She knows I'm not flirting with them but merely providing an objective male opinion. It's good for sales too Lastly, OP, you might consider working on techniques to feel more comfortable and secure in your own skin, so BF's comments about others roll right off you. Knowing your own strengths and having confidence in yourself really does minimize such intrusions. It sounds like you have a great relationship otherwise so I don't see this as a major issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 8, 2008 Author Share Posted April 8, 2008 Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do so that internally this is not a problem for me? How do I stop feeling this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 8, 2008 Author Share Posted April 8, 2008 Has anyone else ever felt this way? What did you do to stop? Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do so that internally this is not a problem for me? How do I stop feeling this way? How does one stop feeling a certain way in reaction to another? Well, you can: A) Self medicate. Drink a lot, don't stop at one glass, go for 2 or 3, that dulls the emotions properly so you don't have to feel your natural upset emotions to him. B) Ask for prescription pills to dull your emotions, the more pharmaceutically inclined route that looks more legit. C) Tell yourself over and over "it's nothing, I don't know why I feel that way, why must I feeel this way, he loves me". Wash, rinse, repeat. Obviously these are not serious suggestions, but it seems to be the only answer to your question "how do I not feel this way?" since you have made it clear you would rather change your own reactions than anything else. Option 2: my SINCERE SUGGESTION (not like above): take physical action: A) Remove yourself from the room, just get up and leave, get in your car, go home. You may want to give him fair warning that if he does that one more time, you intend to do just that, so he is not confused when you leave, but will see that his behavior won't be tolerated THROUGH ACTIONS BY YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 8, 2008 Author Share Posted April 8, 2008 Do you think his actions warrant that type of extremity?? I guess I just want to feel better and not make him feel badly, either. Link to post Share on other sites
Florida Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Do you think his actions warrant that type of extremity?? I guess I just want to feel better and not make him feel badly, either. B2B you feel badly enough that you posted about it, it is on your mind, it makes you sad and worried. So to answer your question- yes. I do think it warrants that kind of reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 OP, have you had issues in the past with your physicality, like others demeaning you, or having deep-seated insecurities about your outer beauty? Has the nuance you describe with your BF been a feature of past relationships as well? IME, women I've known who have doubts about their inner beauty are the ones most likely to vacillate markedly in their view of their outer beauty and others opinion of it. A fragility, if you will. As confidence in their inner self strengthens, issues with their outer self subside. Don't know if that makes sense, but it has been my experience. Such confidence comes from within and IMO cannot be projected upon by compliments, support and love, though those techniques are great maintainers Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 8, 2008 Author Share Posted April 8, 2008 Do you think this would be a bad idea: The next time I am over, and I see someone really attractive while we are watching something, I am going to rewind it and say : :"Look at those abs. That's one of the hottest things ever...just wait and I'll show you. Let me rewind this. OMG." and then when one of my favorite actors is on, I want to show him and say, he's so ****ing hot. OMG, I am watching this!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkKittyKat Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Do you think this would be a bad idea: The next time I am over, and I see someone really attractive while we are watching something, I am going to rewind it and say : :"Look at those abs. That's one of the hottest things ever...just wait and I'll show you. Let me rewind this. OMG." and then when one of my favorite actors is on, I want to show him and say, he's so ****ing hot. OMG, I am watching this!!!!! Haha, I vote for this option!!!! And get back to us!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 I feel that BlacktoBlack relizes she has a problem, she just gets so upset over little things. I think you'll feel better if you tell your bf how you feel maybe he can be more sensative Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 8, 2008 Author Share Posted April 8, 2008 KMT, maybe you are right but I don't want to mess around with "little things"...I just wanna' get over them, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Well then, snap out of it, don't be a brat/ drama queen. Stop letting every little thing ruin your day/week. Just make the decision to say no to yourself when you catch yourself obsessing oversomething you know shouldn't bother you so much. You know he loves you, and your his girl, cmon sweetie snap out of it and be the happy girl you know you can be Link to post Share on other sites
MoonlightLover Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Haha I'm sorry, i have to laugh at your bf rewinding these advertisements its funny in a cute way. I wouldn't worry dear, it might just be your hormones? Time of the month etc...i find that can make me feel more insecure and also very psychotically dangerous at times lol. Maybe pipe up that you think these models are hot too and that you might leave him for a woman..laugh with him about it? Dunno, just making suggestions. But now seriously, using my psychic cyberness here....i think you' re pretty hot...you've nothing to worry about hun trust me Link to post Share on other sites
Author XxBacktoBlackXx Posted April 8, 2008 Author Share Posted April 8, 2008 I guess I didn't find it funny 'cause it didn't feel like a joke or anything. What am I gonna' get out of seeing this, you know? I have never done anything like that to him before and I have talked to him about some comments in the past (though not like this), so I think I am just going to talk about it in my therapy this week and see how I can deal with feelings of insecurity. I do plan on reversing it on him next time we are together, though...I don't want to hurt his feelings, yet I want him to know how it feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Replicant Posted April 8, 2008 Share Posted April 8, 2008 Time of the month etc...i find that can make me feel more insecure and also very psychotically dangerous at times lol. I think the OP is just lacking the underlined trait in dealing with the handling of the situation stated originally. Link to post Share on other sites
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