My Story

[Karyyk]

This is actually a much longer story than I'm going to write. I don't believe a gentleman kisses and tells, but there are some things I need to get off my chest and this would be the right place to do it.

 

At any rate, I recently ended a 6 year long-distance relationship. It was the right thing to do for a multitude of reasons, but that doesn't mean it was easy. When you put that much time of your life into someone and pass up on a lot of things because you're committed to them, well, there's bound to be some bitterness.

 

It all started about 8 years ago actually. I met someone online that seemed like a dream come true. We talked and IM'ed for about four months, and then finally met. We spent 5 days together, and all seemed well at first, but there were some factors she had kept from me (such as being separated, not divorced like she had told me). She left to go back home (750 miles from me), and after talking for another week or so, she basically told me she had to think about some things and that we couldn't talk. I gave her the time she needed, and when we spoke again, what I had dreaded came true...she was breaking it off.

 

Needless to say, I was heartbroken, but there was an odd bit of relief as well. I've never really felt that way before or since.

 

Fast-forward about a year, and I'm doing a little bit better with things, I'm doing a line of work I enjoy and have nearly forgotten about her. Then I get a short e-mail from her, just saying hello, to see how I'm doing. All the emotions come flooding back. After not hearing from her in all that time, here's an e-mail asking about me.

 

So basically I did what I shouldn't have done and responded, we start to talk on the phone again and after talking for a week she tells me she's had a baby. Instantly my heart starts to race. I'm obviously affected by this and she tells me that it's not mine...my heart starts to race faster. Apparently she got back together with her husband and she got pregnant only to kick him out later (deservedly). Apparently there was also another guy she was with while she was pregnant, but he's no longer in the picture.

 

What I should have done at this point is obvious, but just no, I'm an idiot. After talking for a few months, we decide to "try again," For the first year, things seem to go fairly well. We seem to be in love, I know I am. I also fall in love with her daughter. I quit the job I enjoyed at that point, because it didn't pay particularly well, and because I thought that our being together was a sure and imminent thing. I could have never been more wrong.

 

After two years, she starts telling me that she has problems saying she loves me because of some emotional issue she never really put into words. Shortly thereafter she more or less quit saying it altogether for reasons I won't go into. Affection dwindles, but by this point I still love her, and I'm determined to keep trying. I also love her daughter, and I've been helping her financially for about a year. Did I mention that I am an idiot?

 

Basically, we'd see each other 3 or 4 times a year, but that number starts to fall off. I'm basically sending her $600 a month at this point, so having extra money for trips and vacations is hard to come by. The fourth year, we're maybe seeing each other twice a year. Talk about marriage is rare, and I'm starting to feel hopeless. I don't know what to do. How can I just walk away from something I've put so much of myself into?

 

On year 5 we took a vacation together to the beach. I'm going into debt at this point, but that's ok, I've got love, right? The beach is a nightmare. She barely touches me at all, and I'm really starting to be fed up by this point. Being with her daughter is still wonderful though, and I really, really love the little girl. I've been around her since she was an infant. I've changed her diapers, fed her, held her in my arms. I love her like my own.

 

I don't see her at all during year 6. I couldn't afford to go on a vacation with her at this point, which disappoints her greatly. I can't even afford to repair my car when it breaks down. When I bring up the idea of going up there (only have to pay for one airline ticket instead of two), she always changes the subject. At this point I'm desperate. We still talk on the phone almost every day, but things are getting strained. I enjoy talking to her daughter more than I enjoy talking to her.

 

At the end of the 6th year, after getting into an argument over something trivial, I basically know I can't go on with it. I feel like I had wasted 6 years of my life (and given her $40,000 in support...not talking about gifts or anything like that). I try to talk to her, but there's nothing there. I broke it off. Realistically, it had been dead for four years, and I should have quit then, but like I said, I am an idiot.

 

Now I'm struggling, struggling with the idea that she was using me, struggling with how much of my life I'd given for someone that didn't deserve it, and struggling with the fact that it feels like I've lost a daughter. I had to explain to my nephew the other night that we'd never be seeing her little girl again. He keeps asking about her, and has always considered her to be my little one. I can see the sadness in his eyes when I try to explain it. He tells me he misses her, to which I can only respond with tears in my eyes, "Me too baby, me too." It's hard, it really is. Even though I know I did the right thing for me, and even though my feelings towards my significant other had died a slow and agonizing death, sucked dry by a lack of any semblance of affection, understanding or commitment, I still love and miss her daughter. There's not much I can do about that though.

 

I know I'm a fool, and I don't expect a lot of sympathy, but I just needed to get this out somewhere. You love someone, and you want to make it work, but sometimes it's just too much, especially in the case when the other person isn't giving you what you need, and you're just pouring yourself out. After the fact everyone's been asking me why I hadn't done it sooner, asking me what I saw in her, just basically repeating the thoughts that echo in my head constantly.

 

The weird thing is that now, I feel lost. I might have been heading in the wrong direction, but at least I had something in my sights, at least I had something to live for. Now, not so much. I feel aimless, I feel like life is almost pointless, and the things I want out out of life just seem out of my reach. I know I need to concentrate on myself right now, and repair the damage that's been done (financially more than emotionally frankly), but I almost feel desperate at this point. I'm not really sure what to do. Part of me knows that the last thing I need to do right now is get into another relationship, but there's a part of me that really needs something, something much more reciprocal. There is someone that I'm very fond of, but she's dealing with her own issues right now, so I'm guessing it's the best thing to just kind of step back from things entirely, let us both do what we need to do for ourselves and then hope to see how things might work out down the road.

 

Why do relationships always have to be so complicated?

[justine4]

What a horrible situation to be in, but you know, for your own sake, its the best thing that could happen - even if it doesn't feel that way now.

 

One thing tho - STOP putting yourself down! You're human. You fell for the woman and her little girl. Thats normal. She didn't know how lucky she was and seems to have played on your good heartedness and basically, took you for a ride.

 

I would say you want a family of your own (even though now, with the financial situation you find yourself it) and thats why you are finding it so hard - because of the little girl. I'm sure she misses you too.

 

For your own good though, stop being angry with yourself and blaming yourself for how things have turned out. You are allowed to be angry with her - shes the one who seems to have done all the taking in this relationship.

 

I hope things get better for you - they will! Especially as you're not sending money to her.

[Karyyk]

5 months after the fact, and it looks like things are actually getting worse. A lot of this is my own fault, for doing things I know I shouldn't, but I still just have this overwhelming feeling that I'm the one who messed things up. I wish I didn't blame myself, but I do. Judging from the way things are going for me lately, it's almost as if the situation with her was a stabilizing factor in my life. It's odd really...

[strongertoday]

oh Karyyk...HUGS

 

She was no stabalising factor, she was simply a focus. Now you feel with no focus like your a ship without direction. how is the rest of your life? job?? sport?? friends?? socialising ?? Try and fill your hours so you have a plan for each day...even voluntering might help.

 

I know its darn hard to do, but from your post we can all see what a careing strong man you are.....take a breath and let that shine thru...

 

good luck

[lily8656]

As the poster above me said, we can tell how caring you are by your posts. I know you will make some woman very, very happy, and I would bet you would be an amazing father when the opportunity comes your way under better circumstances. As hard as this situation is, you would be much happier in a relationship that returns that same care and love.

 

Although it is always easier (for everyone!) to look back and notice the signs when it should have clicked that something was off, the best anyone can do is learn from those experiences, whether it's a 6 month relationship or one that lasts many years, as in your case.

 

Kudos to you for venting about your experience...that's not an easy thing to do. I'm sure it doesn't help much now, but you will be much happier in the end when you find a mutually caring, giving, and loving relationship.

[LikeCharlotte]

There is someone that I'm very fond of, but she's dealing with her own issues right now, so I'm guessing it's the best thing to just kind of step back from things entirely, let us both do what we need to do for ourselves and then hope to see how things might work out down the road.

 

Why do relationships always have to be so complicated?

Karyyk, I read you entire story and I'm angry with her. I feel like she used you to validate herself, for money, for emotional support, for whatever she could take. I don't know her and I shouldn't judge. I'm sorry.

 

I knew someone who was involved with a woman who just kept him hanging on like that and it ruined at least one chance for happiness for him. I won't air someone's business but I will say that I don't like her either.

 

She used/uses him to validate herself and has no intention of ever reciprocating the kindness and fairness he has given and it has wrecked him inside and out. I'm not even sure if he knows it because he keeps her in his life at all costs even though they are not and will likely never be together. I on the other hand will probably never know him that way again and I never treated him with such selfishness. Maybe I was jealous of her or bitter because I can't ever have what she has/had, HA! That would be a first for me! I think it really is that she uses/d him and hurt/s him and gets forgiveness no matter what. I just can't like her because I saw the train wreck his heart and head endured first hand even though he didn't talk about it much. I'm really glad that she and I never met because I'd likely want to tell her about herself. *grumble* selfish, emotional cheating, string along, using, ruining, grrrrr, why didn't he just let go? What a mess that was.

 

That being said, I'm not invalidating your pain but have you told the person you are fond of what you are going through? Is she aware that you are interested in her? What makes that so difficult other than your heartbreak? Is she sympathetic to your healing? Did something happen to make it impossible? I'd hate to see you lose anymore than you have. You never know, it could work out with a little honesty and effort.

 

I am asking this because I have been the "someone" in this scenario (obviously) and it didn't work out very well. I'd have given him all the time in the world if I knew for a fact that he was still getting over it while we were involved. Looking back, I'd have had infinitely more patience if he talked about it. Alas, he wouldn't talk about it and I'm not pushy. The situation is different in someways but I do wish he'd taken a chance. Again, I'm not even sure he knows how he feels.

 

I might be projecting a bit but my point is that if there is any way of making it work with the one you are fond of then you should give it a shot because you deserve it. You've given so much. Its time for you to get something back. Don't let her take any more from you.

[Karyyk]

You'll notice that I posted this a good long time ago. The other situation has been taken off the table, and not by my choice. Yes, she knew about my interest (she expressed hers for me initially) and what I've been going through. I haven't so much as heard from her in over a month now. I'm honestly not sure it could ever work out. That's all I'll say about that, other than that it hasn't been easy. Another disappointment, but I'll manage through that too I suppose.

 

Honestly, at this point I really, really think I need to not deal with anyone for the time being. I want to find the right person, and I want to be with her, but for right now I'm not sure I can handle another relationship so soon, and I know I can't handle another disappointment. What worries me about that is that I have no idea when I will be able to handle it, and frankly, I'm starting to feel like I've already given the best years of my life away. I just feel old...

 

As for my ex, as much as I want to give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes, there's no way to deny that she used me on some level. There's no reason to be sorry for that. I've heard it so many times from so many people at this point that I wonder how long some of them have been thinking me a fool. She won't take away any more chances from me. Other people will do that...

[Nevermind]

Karyyk, stay strong. You give so much love, and you seem such a caring person, that I am sure true love will come to you.

 

Take your time to heal and focus on yourself. Be good to yourself and try to be happy. Don't allow her to make you bitter, or afraid.

 

((hugs))

[LikeCharlotte]

You'll notice that I posted this a good long time ago. The other situation has been taken off the table, and not by my choice. Yes, she knew about my interest (she expressed hers for me initially) and what I've been going through. I haven't so much as heard from her in over a month now. I'm honestly not sure it could ever work out. That's all I'll say about that, other than that it hasn't been easy. Another disappointment, but I'll manage through that too I suppose.

I did notice it was awhile ago that you posted this I guess I just had questions about your update. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't heard from her.

 

Honestly, at this point I really, really think I need to not deal with anyone for the time being. I want to find the right person, and I want to be with her, but for right now I'm not sure I can handle another relationship so soon, and I know I can't handle another disappointment. What worries me about that is that I have no idea when I will be able to handle it, and frankly, I'm starting to feel like I've already given the best years of my life away. I just feel old...

Is there anything you can do to help yourself feel ready? I don't know how you feel about therapy but it works for a lot of people. When I feel old, tired or simply exhausted from trying I take a little break and gather strength. It seems very much like this is what you feel you should do. I believe that facing your feelings head on and being introspective is very healthy. On the other hand, personally, I only have here and now and I don't want to waste too long. I remind myself that the sun will rise tomorrow with or without me. I prefer the former. I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you haven't lost your best years. I think you are being hard on yourself. You might not know when you will be ready to meet someone new but you will know when you are healed. I think the saying is "You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette". I could feed my whole town breakfast for a year... you aren't doing so badly.

 

As for my ex, as much as I want to give her the benefit of the doubt sometimes, there's no way to deny that she used me on some level. There's no reason to be sorry for that. I've heard it so many times from so many people at this point that I wonder how long some of them have been thinking me a fool. She won't take away any more chances from me. Other people will do that...

I'm still sorry. I didn't intend to put salt in the wound. As for taking chances, thats what its about isn't it?

[Karyyk]

Karyyk, stay strong. You give so much love, and you seem such a caring person, that I am sure true love will come to you.

 

Take your time to heal and focus on yourself. Be good to yourself and try to be happy. Don't allow her to make you bitter, or afraid.

 

((hugs))

 

Thanks for the kind words. Unfortunately, fear and bitterness have more or less already set-in, which is one of the reasons I need to sit back and allow myself to heal. I'm more than a little bit skeptical about ever finding true love, and I know I won't settle for anything less (there's no point otherwise). That might very well mean being alone, but if it comes to that, so be it.

 

 

 

I did notice it was awhile ago that you posted this I guess I just had questions about your update. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't heard from her.

 

Yeah, so am I. All I can assume is that she wasn't really who I thought she was, and that she herself was unsure of the things she told me. It didn't seem like that, but it happens. I get angry about it at times, but I don't harbor ill will towards her. Her life has not been easy either...

 

 

 

Is there anything you can do to help yourself feel ready? I don't know how you feel about therapy but it works for a lot of people. When I feel old, tired or simply exhausted from trying I take a little break and gather strength. It seems very much like this is what you feel you should do. I believe that facing your feelings head on and being introspective is very healthy. On the other hand, personally, I only have here and now and I don't want to waste too long. I remind myself that the sun will rise tomorrow with or without me. I prefer the former. I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you haven't lost your best years. I think you are being hard on yourself. You might not know when you will be ready to meet someone new but you will know when you are healed. I think the saying is "You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette". I could feed my whole town breakfast for a year... you aren't doing so badly.

 

Well, I guess there are two ways to look at it. I know some people who wasted six years of their life would want to make up for lost time and get on with their lives. Me though, there has to be a period of mourning, and then a healing process. It's just going to take me some time. What's made things so difficult is that it seems like every time I make the decision to get things together, something comes along that completely blindsides me (like getting my bookbag stolen last week...had my checkbook and $500+ worth of crap in there).

 

I honestly don't think therapy would help me very much. I'm fairly stubborn, and while I think it works great for some people (I have friends whose lives have more or less been saved by it), in my case, I just don't think they're going to say much of anything that's going to make me see things from a different perspective. Even if that was the case, I currently don't have the means of paying for it, so that kind of makes it a moot point anyways.

 

On the other hand, the bar I generally frequent is called Group Therapy, so I could just say that I already attend twice a week. Yeah, probably not so funny in this context.

 

 

 

I'm still sorry. I didn't intend to put salt in the wound. As for taking chances, thats what its about isn't it?

 

Nah, I really don't mind. You've got nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes putting salt in an old wound is good. As long as it still stings, you know there's still healing to do.

 

As for the chances, I wouldn't mind winning a hand for once. I've got once last chip to play, so I'd better make it a good one.