Overcoming this separation

[TrustInYourself]

I question why she only wants to hang out and sleep over when I have my DD2.

 

What the ****. She calls me constantly about nonsense. I forgot a pair of clothes in our daughter's bag when I dropped her off today. I forgot a pair of her shoes.

 

C'mon there is like 10 sets of clothes in there and 6 pairs of shoes. She isn't going to miss that one set of clothes or shoes.

 

I could probably read into this behavior, if I really wanted to be a cooky nutcase. I don't care. I have a feeling that she's starting to have regrets about living on her own. Not going to even consider it though, I don't want to. Last time, I thought we were improving I was mistaken big time.

 

If I'm thinking of dating/seeing another woman, how should I address this with my wife who left me? I've brought it up before and she said go for it. However, yesterday, she told me she was having a dream about a genuine me and an ******* me. The ******* me was stealing her money, lying to her, and talking to some girl on the phone.

 

I'm not sure what the hell is going on at the moment. I know I am getting sick of this crap. At times, I think about why I want to stay with someone who treats me like this. Who plays with my heart and my mind. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Am I wrong?

[Nomad1]

TIY, you are driving yourself insane! Stop reading into what she does / says. She moved out. You do not need her permission to start dating...I think you should go ahead and do it. If you want her to join in when you have your D, fine. If you don't, that's fine too! Step back and really look at your situation. Things are not as bad as you think. You see your D; you are free from your dysfunctional former wife. Stop all unnecessary contact with her and start living!

 

 

Nomad1

[Chrome Barracuda]

Get those legal seperation papers signed befoer you start dating.

 

As much as it sucks you dont want her coming back and saying you cheated on me, yadda, yadda.

 

Just hope you know that if you do start dating your wife could not return if you let her know.

 

What is it you specifically want?

 

Do you want to move on, are you finally over your wife? Is she over you?

 

Nomad is kinda right you dont owe her anything, no explanation or nothing. But outta respect she deserves the truth so that way she can make an informed decision on how to proceed. Who knows she could want to finalize the divorce when you tell her you want to date other people?

 

Just tell her the truth, it shouldnt be a big problem.

[TrustInYourself]

I wish it was that easy to step back and see it all with a positive light. Right now, I'm just fighting my emotions of hurt again.

 

I'm serious this rollercoaster is hell. I don't know what the hell I want. Do I have a choice anymore? I feel like I'm a victim of circumstances. LOL, I know that is so cliche.

 

Well, who knows what will happen today. Gotta love life, I tell ya.

[TrustInYourself]

The question is toss my shambles of a marriage into a garbage can? After all this agonizing over trying to work on it, I find myself hesitating. I'm thinking it might work with another 3-4 months of time. What do you guys think. Should I just be rugged as hell and say eat me and file for divorce? I brought it up and she was like..

"I think we are getting better, but I can't stop you. It's only been one month apart."

 

What the ****. One month of hell.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

I've been reading this and holding my tongue this past couple of weeks, but I cannot anymore.

 

MOVE ON! Go directly to divorce, do not pass separation.

[TrustInYourself]

And why would you say that?

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

And why would you say that?

I don't know exactly how you feel in a given moment, but from the information you divulge in your posts, I think it's time for you to move on with your life.

 

It sounds like she's kind of playing games with you because of the lack of boundaries thing that was mentioned before.

 

I said go straight to divorce because a legal separation costs just as much, but you're still married in the end (or so I've read). The sooner you two get your ducks in a row as far as your daughter is concerned and divorce, the sooner you can start dating again and put your newfound physical fitness to good use.

 

Like you said, it's been one month of hell. Do you really want that to become two...or three...or four?

 

Good luck to you whatever you choose.

[TrustInYourself]

Well said. I chuckled at your avatar. lol.

 

I don't know man, my heart is still in it. But you're right. Do I cut my losses or do I ride this rollercoaster to the very end, whether that be reconciliation or divorce?

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Thanks for the complement, I usually get a positive response to it, and as a former Marine, it's natural for me to poke fun at the other branches.

 

I don't remember how old you are, but you're certainly not getting any younger. I wouldn't let this drag out for that reason alone. Especially since your daughter is at an age where she probably won't remember all of this. If you and your wife are in separate homes she'll probably remember it always being that way.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm 27, I'll be 28 by June 10th. She set the boundaries, I want to cross them. I'd be game to just go over there right now if she called me. The problem is, she's not going to call me lol.

 

As far as coming over when I have the daughter, it's like a double edged sword. We share time, bed, talk like we are married and I enjoy the closeness, the feeling like everything is cool while it lasts.

 

When she leaves and I don't see her for a few days and she doesn't call, then I start to feel like crap.

 

The only reason I want to just cut her loose is I think that will just force the situation to a close. No more games. No more separation. If she wants me, she will choose me.

 

I'm just struggling with that whole not wanting me. I guess because at times I feel so close to her again. We hug casually constantly.

 

For me to be over this, I'd have to be the biggest ******* ever. I'd have to start burning some serious bridges. I'd have to close my heart off and just go through the motions like a divorce robot built for destroying my own heart and all the attachments therein.

 

Now, do I go out in a blaze of glory or do I ride this ride as long as she is willing to put me through it.

 

I kind of like to think the pain of this separation is like a crucible. Sure this is hell right now, but if I get through it and prove I'm worthy, it's going to be worth it. That is with my marriage intact or through divorce.

 

Yeah, I feel and think that inside, but sometimes, just forcing yourself through the intense moments that come and go is the hardest part.

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

Well, I vote for divorce robot, lol.

 

Your decision.

 

Boundaries are a two way street though. Set some of your own so you don't come off as desperate. That is, if you decide to stick it out. If not, then the focus shifts to childcare boundaries.

[Billy Bob]

The only reason I want to just cut her loose is I think that will just force the situation to a close. No more games. No more separation. If she wants me, she will choose me.

 

Relationships are not supposed to be like this.. There is a girl out there for you that is dependable, beautiful, will love you no matter, committed to working on a stable, loving, relationship.. and you are wasting your time with this garbage.. WHY?

 

I have been where you are at, and trust me.. it may take you a few months to get back into the swing of things, but life will be much better than the crap you are dealing with now.

 

Soon you will reach your cracking point and say enough is enough and begin moving on with your life without her. You have to reach this point, you also have to move on.. get a GF, date, become happy being single again.

 

I guarantee that your wife will come crawling back someday.. maybe 6 months, maybe a year.. Mine did, I didn't want that screwball anymore. You probably won't want yours either. You are like a woman in an abusive relationship right now.. everyone can tell her to get away from her abuser, but for some reason she stays to get hit some more. Your logic is clouded.

 

Figure you screwed up and picked the wrong one, got a great kid out of the mix though.. Plenty of gals out there would love to be a stepmom and marry a nice guy with a nice kid. Don't sell yourself short.

 

Don't put up with any more abuse, MOVE ON!

[Billy Bob]

Should I just be rugged as hell and say eat me and file for divorce?

 

That's exactly what you should do. You should take on the attitude that you are worth more than to be manipulated and your emotions toyed with. You deserve a good, normal, loving relationship, to hell with this BS. If someone doesn't want you with all their heart and soul, then why be married to them.

 

File for divorce - be happy - find someone you can be happy with!

[TrustInYourself]

Thanks for the responses. I'm walking hard. WALK HARD. Have you seen that movie? It has gratuitous shots of penis. I was scared at first, but after watching it for a bit, I found myself enjoying it.

[Shin0bi1]

Thanks for the responses. I'm walking hard. WALK HARD. Have you seen that movie? It has gratuitous shots of penis. I was scared at first, but after watching it for a bit, I found myself enjoying it.

 

 

TIY!! Whassup man?! Homie, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU... and then some.

 

She told me she is gonna serve me up papers pretty soon (couple of weeks) and you know what... THANK GOD! All the lies, deceit, the cowardice, and stress she put on my son is ridiculous. My soon to be ex wife has completely lost her mind. It is like she flipped a switch and went crazy dude. I look at her and can't even recognize her stoopid arse anymore. The things she said and have done is beyond insane and she is dragging my son through some of the crap with her.

 

What am I trying to say? Dude... I know you are holding unto something special but that special thing might not be in her anymore. It is a past memory and idea of what it could of been. I let go of it awhile back and slowly moved on. She moved on quick and is now introducing her new boyfriend to my son as a 2nd dad even though we have not finalized our divorce yet. Yeah...its F'd up...but in the end be strong homie. Your daughter is gonna need it especially if your wife is involved with someone else. Remember you didnt go outside the relationship and had an affair or seek someone else too comfort you. You tried to work with her and she bounced out the crib with our daughter. Seriously... she don't know wtf she wants and I personally went thru with this and I cut my wife off like a bad habit. I ain't going to be dragged through the bull$hit of some crazy woman who is can not tell the difference between right/wrong. Life is too short for that. Every night I was crying to myself in sorrow and trying to do things right, my STBXW was with this other guy and coming home lying to my face about everything. She obviously did not give a crap about me and only needed me for her security blanket.

 

Stay strong dude and trust me there are plenty other girls out there. I've been dating already, getting shot down mostly lol, but I feel free of her bullcrap that had depressed me for months awhile back.

 

She is still trying to play mind games with me when I am so over her. Everything I talk about is about my son and she thinks that I am jealous or something because she is living with her new boyfriend....at her parents house!!! LOL.

 

Remember, she will use you if you let her. Don't let a woman take advantage of your kindness.

 

-Shin0bi1

[TrustInYourself]

TIY!! Whassup man?! Homie, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU... and then some.

 

She told me she is gonna serve me up papers pretty soon (couple of weeks) and you know what... THANK GOD! All the lies, deceit, the cowardice, and stress she put on my son is ridiculous. My soon to be ex wife has completely lost her mind. It is like she flipped a switch and went crazy dude. I look at her and can't even recognize her stoopid arse anymore. The things she said and have done is beyond insane and she is dragging my son through some of the crap with her.

 

What am I trying to say? Dude... I know you are holding unto something special but that special thing might not be in her anymore. It is a past memory and idea of what it could of been. I let go of it awhile back and slowly moved on. She moved on quick and is now introducing her new boyfriend to my son as a 2nd dad even though we have not finalized our divorce yet. Yeah...its F'd up...but in the end be strong homie. Your daughter is gonna need it especially if your wife is involved with someone else. Remember you didnt go outside the relationship and had an affair or seek someone else too comfort you. You tried to work with her and she bounced out the crib with our daughter. Seriously... she don't know wtf she wants and I personally went thru with this and I cut my wife off like a bad habit. I ain't going to be dragged through the bull$hit of some crazy woman who is can not tell the difference between right/wrong. Life is too short for that. Every night I was crying to myself in sorrow and trying to do things right, my STBXW was with this other guy and coming home lying to my face about everything. She obviously did not give a crap about me and only needed me for her security blanket.

 

Stay strong dude and trust me there are plenty other girls out there. I've been dating already, getting shot down mostly lol, but I feel free of her bullcrap that had depressed me for months awhile back.

 

She is still trying to play mind games with me when I am so over her. Everything I talk about is about my son and she thinks that I am jealous or something because she is living with her new boyfriend....at her parents house!!! LOL.

 

Remember, she will use you if you let her. Don't let a woman take advantage of your kindness.

 

-Shin0bi1

 

Shin, when I joined this board, I took alot of strength from reading your posts and that hasn't changed. I'm still drawing on your strength to be a good father, to really do what's right for my kid.

 

I know that I have to think about my sanity and my happiness. Trust me, if I thought there was no hope I'd be cutting free instantly.

 

She moved out on me, but I think I deserved it. I still love her and she hasn't given me a reason to call it quits, other than the fact to take some space to heal from feeling hurt.

 

I'm at the point where I consider it an extended vacation where I can stay up all night, work out any time I want, and read tons of books. I'm not out clubbing, but I'm happy as things are now.

 

Besides, there are some whacky women out there. Beware! I read somewhere that we subconciously search for the same type of women after a failed marriage. Keep an eye out for those crazies.

 

Take care and best wishes!

[Hannibal27]

Dearest TIY

 

I've taken the whole morning to read through your saga. Though its hard to believe, you and I are in the same bloody boat. At this very moment. I am also 27 going on 28. Married for nearly 3 years, known each other for almost 9. The only two differences are, no kids, and I am not 100% sure about a third party not being involved.

 

Separated for the seventh week now (I'm from South Africa, not "legal" separation here - it's married or divorced). During the 5th week we had a wonderful time. All fell back in place and we were going to move back in together and fix this. by the end of the sixth week it all fell down hard. She's requested no communication to see if she can miss me. She doesn't love me anymore but feels affection. She knows she may be making the biggest mistake of her life. She wants a divorce, but, I need to wait a bit because I want to see a shrink / MC, she is considering it.

 

She's had a hell of an awful life before we met. She does have serious issues.

 

That's the really short version of it. We're on a 95% route to divorce. I don't want to. I have the faintest glimmer of hope and I still love her. But I am also capable of moving on. A bit in limbo now, I need to force patience on myself. I won't throw it away, but I will let go if it boils down to that.

 

I have no answers, not guidelines, no advice. I am in the same situation as you are. I am confused, angry, depressed, lonely and I don't know what to do.

 

Very early in the thread someone ended a post with saying that you / I can or are the best husbands ever, it is her loss. Not mine. Maybe true, maybe not.

 

Al the very least I know now that I am not the one feeling the most horrible pain and confusion at this very instant. I will check back in here regularly to see where things are going and to gather help and strength.

 

We are human beings, we feel as we live. We don't need to live in fear, as fear is the only real opposite of love. Hate is a product of fear (not quoting Star Wars there...). We need to conquer our fears, only then will love exist.

 

I hope to hear from you frequently, I hope us both the best. Life is ours, we live it our way (now I am quoting). May we find ourselves, let go of our fears and live. Be it single, be it the hard work of putting things back together. My heart goes out to you over these thousands of cold oceanic miles.

 

You're not alone, I know I am not. I miss my wife with a deep, aching loss. But things always work out as they should.

 

Keep posting, you've got my support in any decision you make. We may at the end learn a lot from each other.

 

Good luck! Let go of your fear.

 

Maybe I can release mine too some day.

 

H

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know what I hate the most is when the one who leaves always claim they made the biggest mistake of their lives. Or they know that.

 

If they do why the F do they leave?

 

Instead of working on their issues and letting the one who loves them help and stand for them they want to run and F other people.

 

That's why I always say. if they leave, they stay gone.

[Hannibal27]

I'm letting go. We are getting a divorce.

 

I am struggling with my decision, I struggle at times to realize and remember that it is the better and only choice that is best for both of us. I did not have a choice in this but I am taking the choice as my own.

 

Sometimes giving up is a sign of strength and of letting go.

 

Sometimes a relationship is like broken glass - leave it be or get hurt in failing to fix it.

 

I will always love my wife, but I respect her decision. She does not love me, she does not need me. I'm letting go, life will go on and I will find peace and a new love / life in the nearest future. I do not need her to be happy, I need to find myself again.

 

I hope I can find peace and acceptance, but I need to let go.

[Billy Bob]

I will always love my wife, but I respect her decision.

 

That's what we all say while going through the initial seperation! After she has been banging some other guy for a few years and you have met your dreamgirl... fellings change. Just a FYI..

[TrustInYourself]

Hannibal, let go because that's what you want. Not because you are forced to do so due to circumstances.

 

As far as my situation, I'm not sure how I am doing. These last few weeks I've been working out of town and my family has come to stay with me, they just left today.

 

The wife and I seem to be doing better. Physically we are getting closer. Emotionally she seems to be opening up. I'm not sure though, we are going to have a talk soon I think.

 

I'm not trying to rush this at all. I've come to the conclusion that I love her and I will wait for her to find out if she wants to be with me. I'm not going to actively force her out of my life. To be honest, I've been slacking lately on anything to do with her. Just going to work, spending time with my family, going out with friends, reading, working out on occasion(lol).

 

After all my talk of change, I'm not even sure I have even changed now. I guess I'm more content on my own now. I know what I want from her leaving and walking away. I know what I want in life. I am so scared of becoming complacent again though. Especially if we get back together. I have to challenge myself. It's hard to improve and stay improved when it's so easy to just do what you've always done in the past. I have to make these new changes part of my new habits. It's hard, lol.

 

Anyways, if you guys have any questions or concerns, hit me up and I'll address them as best I can. I'll be around!

[Hannibal27]

Good luck! It is a difficult process. I've met with my cousin last night. He did our marriage contract and (lol) to complete the circle, he'll do the divorce as well.

 

Yes, I know deep inside I need to get out of this. I need to let go. Its just so hard. As you've said, its hard to change when its so easy to do what you've always done. Its easier to plead for a fifth chance at working things out, to get it back to normal, but sooner or later we'll be back at where we are.

 

And each time it gets harder and hurts more.

 

I've got a nice quote:

Nothing you can contemplate will ever be the same - every second is a new spark that sets the universe aflame ... your time will come." - Steve Harris / 1999.

 

Yes, my time will come. Not now, but soon. It will be hard, painful, filled with sorrow and regret, but time will heal and with all the support around me I'll make it. My denial and rejection is already changing to acceptance. Acceptance will bring anger and more pain, but thats the start of the healing process.

 

I will probably say a lot more. Sorry for hi-jacking your thread, its not my intention. Maybe its good for you to see the other side of the equation as well.

 

**** her for throwing everything away, not looking back and feeling better than me. And thats the anger starting to come through.

 

Check back real soon!

 

H

[TrustInYourself]

Well, we had sex. Not sure what that means, but I know it was some of the best sex we have had in a long time. Reconciliation? I'm not sure, but it was hot. lol.

[TrustInYourself]

On another note, I'm at peace with myself. I am happy for myself. I am pumped for my future. I'm living life and being social and being myself and not giving a damn about all the crap. I'm not delusional, just understanding, relieved, prepared, loving, and optimistic.

 

Life is ****ing great, never forget that, no matter where you are. Even when that pain is killing your heart and you want to cry out from the deepest core of your anguished soul. Life is an incredible gift. Live it to the fullest!

 

You don't need someone to be happy either, it's just nice, lol.