I think I did it this time

[Jake]

I think I might have accidently driven my wonderful wife away with my jealousy. She's a beautiful intelligent woman that is constantly being hit on by men and women, and it just gets the best of me sometimes.

 

I know it's bad and that it's a reflection of MY insecurities, but sometimes I can't help it. Men literally throw themselves at her, whether I'm standing right there or not. It drives me crazy.

 

So, seeing as I'm a jealous jerk, when I noticed something was wrong a couple years ago in our relationship, I started reding her private e-mails and her diary. That's how I discovered the cyber affair.

 

We had a big blow up and were working on our relationship for the past 6 months or so, but for the past couple of weeks she seemed to be distancing herself from me again, saying she was bored.

 

I wasn't thinking straight and I'm so worried about being hurt again. that I went and read her diary AGAIN! I did it because she doesn't talk about her feelings AT ALL. I can never know how she truly feels cause when I ask what's wrong she just mumbles "nothing".

 

She discovered I invaded her privacy again and she is understandably angry and hurt. She hasn't been home since this morning. I don't think we're going to be able to get through it this time. We both said some hurtfull things to each other.

 

I don't want her to leave, but I think she may have fallen out of love with me. I'm so emotionally and physically drained from the past couple of years of fighting and head games.

 

I have a gut feeling that it's over for good this time. I will miss her. Hopefully it won't be too bad on the kids.

[Jamie31]

Your were wrong by reading her private email and diary, but then again, she was wrong by having a cyber affair. Maybe some marital couseling would help. Or maybe yall just need to take a long vacation together and get away and have some time to yourselves. But find out if she is willing to work on this marriage. If she isn't, then jsut give her some time and space. That's really all you can do.

[Jake]

We tried the counselling route, she went to one session and cried through the whole thing. She wouldn't say a word. She definately won't go back.

 

I guess I just have to wait and see.

[Jake]

So, I apologized and said I was sorry for invading her privacy by reading her journal. I asked her to forgive me like I forgave her for her affiar. She gave me the "I need some space" line.

 

I wanted to grovel and plead. I wanted to threaten and throw a tantrum, but I didn't. I simply said;

 

"Usually "I need some space" is a nice way of saying, "I don't want to hurt your feelings, you are nice and all, but the spark is gone. I am bored or unhappy and want to find something new." I hope this isn't the case with you. I was hoping you were going to forgive me like I forgave you last year and we could work it out, but the "I need space" line makes me think it's already over, I just don't know it yet.

 

I appreciate our time together, but maybe you're right. Maybe I need to get away from you for a while."

 

I thought she was going to just go to a hotel room for a week or so, but now I see she has been looking for apartments!! With room-mates even!!!

 

I'm pretty sure this is going to be the end.

[JessieKay05]

I don't know if I can help you much or at all. Your wife doesn't deserve you. You have put up with her having an online relationship, you have put up with her lieing, and you havn't told her to leave. She had you wrapped around her finger. You could do much better. My parents got divorced because my father is a wife beating, alcoholic, pot smoker. My father was a no good loser. He'd take what money my mother made at work and he'd give her 20 dollars to feed us kids for a month. You are a better man that the man that I am supposed to call my dad. You are doing right by your kids so it seems and you are very caring and understanding. You don't need your wife to treat you like a piece of meat. If I am making it worse tell me, but I think that you deserve so much more.

[km82794]

I've been on your wife's side of the fence, maybe I can help.

 

Although I never had an affair online or off, I know first hand what's it's like dealing with an overly jealous man.

 

I am not saying an online affair should be overlooked by any means, you have a right to be mad, but if the jealous behavior started before this online affair, this could have been the cause.

 

He checked my cell phone, my underwear. He went through my purse constantly. Accused me of screwing almost any male I knew, from my sisters boyfriend to friends of the family. I work for my Dad and he even went as far as accusing me of screwing around behind closed doors at work, it was sick.

 

He had his kids note EXACTLY what time I walked in the door from work. If I was five minutes late because I stopped to pick up my mail, there was a fight. I couldn't stop after work to go tanning or even so much as go to the grocery store without him.

 

He wouldn't take me out dancing because there would be guys to hit on me, nor could I go out alone. I couldn't even go out to celebrate my sisters birthday because "He" didn't want to go.

 

He accused me of wanting any friend he had. They all wanted me and I of course wanted them too, aghhhh.

 

It's making me crazy just writing this.

 

I am not bashing you in any way, but this kind of behavior blows when you are on the other side.

 

It made me cry at first because I couldn't understand why he thought I was so trashy of a person that I would cheat. He couldn't understand that I loved him and him only.

 

Then I went through a period of time that I got nasty (to say the least). Every time he accused me, I went off of some mental tirade, punching things, throwing things, screaming, yelling.

 

Then I finally got to the point to where I understood that he had a "problem" with insecurity and learned to forgive him.

 

Now, I am at the point to where "if" and "when" he starts, I say to myself, "The less I hear, the less he says". Kind of like in one ear and out the other.

 

I told him at one point he was abusing me, and I still believe that to be true.

 

Let's face it, if you can't trust a woman, the simple answer is..... Don't be with "that" woman. I have said this line on more than one occasion.

 

So my advise, apologize, apologize, apologize. Give her the space she needs and if she still can't forgive you, let it go.

 

I wish you the best of luck!!!

[Jake]

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't nearly as bad as your husband km82794, but nonetheless, I was/am a jealous contolling person. I'm in therapy right now.

 

Things went very, very bad. My wife came home drunk from the bar last week at 2:30am. We got in a fight and I ended up slapping her across the face. This was the first time I've EVER hit my wife in 17 years!! I went to a hotel room for a week, and became very depressed at what I have become. I ended up slashing my wrist, but not good enough to kill myself.

 

After a week of me begging and pleading and saying I'm sorry, she's found an apartment and has moved out. I feel so abandoned. There is NO excuse for slapping my wife, but I forgave her for her affair, I was hoping she would see my mental illness as a hurdle, and she would stick by me during treatment.

 

Not to be I guess. She's taking advice from her friends who have been with long term physically abusive boyfriends/husbands and they are telling her I'm going to kill her and the kids!! I feel like I'm paying for the sins of every jerk in the world.

 

I'm trying to let her go and give her space, but it's so hard, and I feel so betrayed. She wants to start dating other people already. She's giving me so many mixed signals. One minute she says she has no feelings for me, and the next she's saying she has hope we can be together again.

 

I'm trying to keep our interactions positive, but that too is difficult. Whenever I see her I start to cry and convince her to stay. I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing, but I want her to know how much I love her.

 

Aaaaarrrrrrgggg!!

[km82794]

Jake,

 

I am so happy that you are a seeing counselor for your controlling manner, and you can admit you might have a problem, so many men can admit that.

 

I feel the only person in life you can control is yourself. If your wife wanted to have an affair, she would have one. You would never be able to stop her, she would have found a way.

 

I think her internet affair was totally wrong, and it is perfectly understandable that you were dealing with some trust issues, but I am guessing your behavior started before this affair.

 

I feel that before you can truly learn from an experience, you need to completely understand it, how and why it happened so you can move on and not let your mistakes happen again in the future.

 

Jake, you said you weren't as bad as my husband and that I can believe, but just to let you know some of the feelings I went through during "my" experience with a jealous man were....

 

1. Confusion, why was he doing this to me? I am a very faithful woman.

 

2. Sadness, Why couldn't he trust me?, when I never did one thing to make him think I couldn't be trusted.

 

3. Out of control, When he tried to control me over stupid things, such as visiting my Mom, family or friends, it made me want to do it all the more and stay out later and later to show him, he could not and would not control me over something so trivial.

 

4. Anger, Why was I always in trouble when I had done nothing wrong? I hated that there was always a fight if I got caught in a traffic jam and ended up being five minutes late. Or I was angry because he made me in fear of losing my job because he wanted me to take the day off work and spend with him.

 

5. Fear, fear there would be another fight, fear I would be late getting home because I had to stay five minutes over at work because the boss needed a last minute favor. Fear of another man talking to me, (even my sisters boyfriend), because he would think something of it.

 

6. Withdrawal, not wanting to be around someone who thought I was basically a cheater and told me so, even though I wasn't. I withdrew from my family and friends because he never believed me that I was visiting them, it was always an excuse to cheat. Sooner or later I got to the point to where I said to myself "Why cause a problem?"

 

7. Depression, why was this happening to me? I am a good woman, don't I deserve to be treated as such?

 

8. Hostility, At one point I wanted to drive him as crazy as he drove me. I accused him of cheating, telling him maybe he was accusing me, because he felt guilty about something himself and was looking for a way out.

 

9. Hate, hate because I loved the guy dearly and he was detroying me inside. He was showing me nothing but hate, even though the words from his mouth were "I love you".

 

10. Physically sick, every time there was an accusation or even so much as a question like "where have you been", I would get sick to my stomache, knowing what was coming.

 

Jake, I hope you don't think I am trying to put you down in any way or make you feel guilty about what has happened between you and your wife. I am only trying to make you understand that maybe your wife felt some of the above things that I did at one point in your marriage.

 

You are on the right track. Now, my advice to you would be to heal yourself. Maybe after you do that, you can heal your marriage.

 

The best thing you can do for your wife at this point is show her you are trying to change.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world Jake!!!!

[Jake]

Originally posted by km82794

Jake, I hope you don't think I am trying to put you down in any way or make you feel guilty about what has happened between you and your wife. I am only trying to make you understand that maybe your wife felt some of the above things that I did at one point in your marriage.

 

You are on the right track. Now, my advice to you would be to heal yourself. Maybe after you do that, you can heal your marriage.

 

The best thing you can do for your wife at this point is show her you are trying to change.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world Jake!!!!

 

Thanks kn82794. I don't think you're trying to put me down, actually, I don't think anyone could make me feel worse about myself than I already have. I know she felt a some of those things you desribed;

 

1. Confusion

2. Sadness

3. Out of control

4. Anger

6. Withdrawal

 

I just wish she would have pulled me aside and clearly SAID something about this to me. I would have listened.

[Jake]

Well, it’s official. We’re separated, she moved into her own apartment today. I came to the realization this morning, that all the begging and pleading in the world isn’t going to change anything with her. I’ve decided to step back and try to contact her as little as possible. I will make it a point to be pleasant and loving when we do talk, but I’m not going to chase her around anymore. The more I pursue her, the farther away she drifts, so we’ll see if this idea works. It’s basically my only hope.

 

She came to my therapy session yesterday. I was really happy to see her. It’s funny, cause I have so many conflicting emotions when I see her, that it’s difficult to stick to my plan. On the one hand I’m so happy to see her I want to hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. On the other hand I feel betrayed, guilty, sad, angry with her. It’s a very confusing time.

 

She went in and talked to the Dr. by herself first. They spent about 20 minutes in there talking. How I wish I could be a fly on the wall during THAT conversation. So, then I join them and we all start talking. I restated my case and took all the blame for the past week. She said she’s leaving me because she’s spent our whole marriage taking care of other people, and she wants some time for herself. She also, said in the past 2 years I have become so jealous and controlling since she started modelling and bodybuilding.

 

It was hard to bite my tongue but I knew the time for arguing has past. I just nodded and listened, and acknowledged her feelings. We then went on about the mundane running of our households. Who gets what, when, etc.

 

On a bright note, she agreed with me when I said that her friends were acting the same as my friends when they told me to leave her during her affair. I said that even though everyone was telling me to dump her, I thought about our love and the 17 years of history we have together and I decided to fight for it. I said her friends have no idea what they’re talking about. One’s a stripper, the other one is a 22 year old who’s longest relationship is maybe 3 months, and the third one is a bitter old hag, who hasn’t had a long term relationship either. Suprisingly, she agreed with me! She said that "Yes, her friends have no idea about us and what we’re about. She knows this and takes it into consideration." So, maybe there’s hope yet?

 

I could see that it was kind of throwing her off that I was being so kind and friendly. She expected more of the same groveling and crying, the anger and hurt, but I didn’t show any of it. I was pretty proud of myself. Actually, SHE’s the one who broke down crying!

 

So, basically it was pretty productive today, and I hope I can continue on with the same. I don’t want to give up hope.

 

I asked her if she was going to be dating, and she replied “Well, I’m not LOOKING.” I’m not sure what that means. Does that mean if someone comes along she will date them? Or does it mean, that she’s not going to be dating at all? I don’t know. There’s nothing I can do about it I guess. If I keep thinking about it, I’ll drive myself crazy and never get over this. The kids and I had a great stress free day. I made a point of letting them know I missed thier mother, and I want her to come back.

 

She is going crazy with the photoshoots. She has at least 2 a week for the next month! She’s going to go to Florida for one, which kind of worries me. I’m really worried about her safety, but if I show any concern, she will probably see it as me controlling her again.

 

I think I’m going to tell her in the next few weeks that I forgive her for leaving us and that I understand her reason’s. That doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I understand and I forgive her. I will then ask her to think about forgiving me. If I forgive her, I not only take a huge amount of bitterness off my chest, I also open the door for her to return. Hopefully she will see that she can return, and she won’t have to feel she was wrong in leaving and made a mistake. If she feels she has to admit she was wrong, then she may not come back at all in order to avoid that humiliation.

[km82794]

Jake,

 

Well, I have good news and bad. If anything, I hope you can appreciate my honesty. Now, putting myself in your wifes shoes, here is what I think....

 

Well, it’s official. We’re separated, she moved into her own apartment today

 

This I see as a way of putting a scare into you. I had left many times, hoping it would snap my guy out of his jealous little world. For the record, it never worked, but at one time I got my own apartment just to show him he would not control me anymore.

 

I don't think this necessarily means she is done with the marriage though. She may want to come back after time, but now she is healing herself, finding herself, getting away from it all, focusing on #1. I see her getting her own apartment as a way to clear her head. Believe it or not, your relationship may take a turn for the good being you are no longer living together. I guess there is something to be said about absense makes the heart grow fonder, atleast it always worked that way in my situation.

 

I came to the realization this morning, that all the begging and pleading in the world isn’t going to change anything with her. I’ve decided to step back and try to contact her as little as possible. I will make it a point to be pleasant and loving when we do talk, but I’m not going to chase her around anymore. The more I pursue her, the farther away she drifts, so we’ll see if this idea works. It’s basically my only hope.

 

You are absolutely right. When I was in this situation, I seen the begging and pleading as a way of manipulating me. It just pissed me off more. All I could think was that he never cared when it was me begging and pleading for him to stop the b.s. that caused me to leave in the first place. I hated to hear he knew he had a problem. What I wanted to hear was how he was going to approach handling it.

 

The begging and pleading only made me want to run. By the time I had left, I had already given him way too many chances to change his ways. I had just got my own place and I was damned and determined to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, listening to him grovel only confused me more.

 

Look at it this way Jake, if you were working on a big project that required your full concentration, you needed peace and quiet and there was a radio blaring in another room, you would not be able to concentrate until you got up and shut if off or tuned it out. This is what she's doing, tuning you out.

 

She came to my therapy session yesterday.

 

I see this as a VERY good sign. This tells me that she obviously has not closed the book on you.

 

Now everything you do in the next few days, weeks, months will lead up to her making the decision to stay with you or move on.

 

On the one hand I’m so happy to see her I want to hug and kiss her and tell her how much I love her. On the other hand I feel betrayed, guilty, sad, angry with her. It’s a very confusing time.

 

Sure it is, the situation is out of control. You are sad, hurt and angry because you want to fix the situation and she is not giving you that opportunity to do so, YET.

 

Like I said before, heal yourself. It's the best thing you can do for you and your marriage.

 

She said she’s leaving me because she’s spent our whole marriage taking care of other people, and she wants some time for herself.

 

I have to be honest and say I don't know exactly what she means here, could it be that your controlling nature was a burden to her maybe? I felt that my guys jealosy and controlling was emotionally draining.

 

She also, said in the past 2 years I have become so jealous and controlling since she started modelling and bodybuilding.

 

I look at it this way, be happy she is beautiful and takes care of herself. Men are looking, but be proud, she has been married to you for the last 17 years and obviously for a reason. Worry when the men stop looking, lol.

 

We then went on about the mundane running of our households. Who gets what, when, etc.

 

She has moved and needs the necessities. This isn't a bad thing actually, when I left, I didn't care what I left behind, I just wanted out.

 

On a bright note, she agreed with me when I said that her friends were acting the same as my friends when they told me to leave her during her affair. I said that even though everyone was telling me to dump her, I thought about our love and the 17 years of history we have together and I decided to fight for it. I said her friends have no idea what they’re talking about. One’s a stripper, the other one is a 22 year old who’s longest relationship is maybe 3 months, and the third one is a bitter old hag, who hasn’t had a long term relationship either. Suprisingly, she agreed with me! She said that "Yes, her friends have no idea about us and what we’re about. She knows this and takes it into consideration." So, maybe there’s hope yet?

 

Having been in the situation myself, I would say yes, there is hope for you. She's thinking for herself and hopefully listening to her own heart right now instead of letting others cloud her head.

 

SHE’s the one who broke down crying

 

If there was no feeling left, there would be no tears.

 

So, basically it was pretty productive today, and I hope I can continue on with the same. I don’t want to give up hope.

 

You can because you want to. Never give up hope.

 

I asked her if she was going to be dating, and she replied “Well, I’m not LOOKING.” I’m not sure what that means. Does that mean if someone comes along she will date them? Or does it mean, that she’s not going to be dating at all?

 

Unfortunately this is some of the bad news. "Well I'm not looking" means she is not out looking for a man to replace you, at bars, work, etc., but if she bumps into someone she could be interested in, she is saying she might not hesitate to date them.

 

I have a feeling though, whether she realizes it or not, just by her actions (going to your session, crying) she's not ready to date, atleast anything serious.

 

The kids and I had a great stress free day. I made a point of letting them know I missed thier mother, and I want her to come back.

 

Did I miss something, she left the kids with you?

 

She is going crazy with the photoshoots. She has at least 2 a week for the next month! She’s going to go to Florida for one, which kind of worries me. I’m really worried about her safety, but if I show any concern, she will probably see it as me controlling her again.

 

Exactly!! Tell her to be careful, have fun and you still love her, no matter what, then leave it at that!

 

I think I’m going to tell her in the next few weeks that I forgive her for leaving us and that I understand her reason’s. That doesn’t mean I agree with it, but I understand and I forgive her. I will then ask her to think about forgiving me. If I forgive her, I not only take a huge amount of bitterness off my chest, I also open the door for her to return. Hopefully she will see that she can return, and she won’t have to feel she was wrong in leaving and made a mistake. If she feels she has to admit she was wrong, then she may not come back at all in order to avoid that humiliation.

 

Good idea, love is forgiveness, hopefully she will!!!

 

Good luck, keep up the good work, you're on a roll!!!