Guys: would you date a girl with herpes

[dreamergrl]

So your argument is that because I've probably been exposed unwillingly... I should just not care?

 

How would my opinion change? It would not change at all. Do you think I would expect women to not care that I have it?

 

I don't think a person should just not care, but realize that there's a good chance that you've already been exposed and/or have been with or dated a girl with it. It sounds silly to me to be like "I'm passing on her because I want to be disease free" when you've most likely have been with someone who wasn't disease free.

 

Again it's not about not caring, but would you want people to pass on you because you have something? Or would you want people to look at you and considering you without judging you for it? Would you want to be told you should just date someone with it, or be considered whorish for it? It's not fair to pass judgment if you're not in that person's shoes. There's more to those with HSV then just their disease.

[Art_Critic]

Here is an interesting link for the OP...

 

http://www.datingwithherpes.org/

 

They even have a section on telling someone your dating...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't think a person should just not care, but realize that there's a good chance that you've already been exposed and/or have been with or dated a girl with it. It sounds silly to me to be like "I'm passing on her because I want to be disease free" when you've most likely have been with someone who wasn't disease free.

Again it's not about not caring, but would you want people to pass on you because you have something? Or would you want people to look at you and considering you without judging you for it? Would you want to be told you should just date someone with it, or be considered whorish for it? It's not fair to pass judgment if you're not in that person's shoes. There's more to those with HSV then just their disease.

 

I don't think it's silly at all! If I know someone has it... I'm not going to go there. I realize that I only have so much control. I could wind up like Panda and get it from a GF who cheats on me.

 

I think some of the posters here believe that I am morally judging people who have HSV. It's not like that. I just don't want it, so I will do what I can to avoid it, and I'm not really missing anything by doing so.

 

I assume you can knock that 1/4 number down to something closer to 1/8 by just avoiding the super skanky girls. However, that's just a guess.

[dreamergrl]

I don't think it's silly at all! If I know someone has it... I'm not going to go there. I realize that I only have so much control. I could wind up like Panda and get it from a GF who cheats on me.

 

It doesn't take a cheating bf or gf to get it. You could have a gf who has it and doesn't even know it. End up with it.

 

I think some of the posters here believe that I am morally judging people who have HSV. It's not like that. I just don't want it, so I will do what I can to avoid it, and I'm not really missing anything by doing so.

 

I assume you can knock that 1/4 number down to something closer to 1/8 by just avoiding the super skanky girls. However, that's just a guess.

 

That number is based off the reported cases. Imagine what that number is with all those who DON'T KNOW. It's actually spread more because people don't know they have it, then because of someone being "skanky".

[EnigmaXOXO]

Yeah....I still don't see what the big deal is about people not wanting to sleep with/date someone.

 

Whether it's because the person in question is blond, fat, mexican, or has herpes - we ALL get to decide who we want to date/sleep with based on random, arbitrary selection criteria that mean nothing to anyone but ourselves.

 

I’m with Otter, as usual.

 

For the same reasons our original poster was worried about disclosing this information to her future sexual partners ... I too would have the same anxieties. I’m right with her, and I already know it. Which is why I would not choose to risk exposure if given the courtesy of a choice.

 

The only other alternative would be to wait for however long it took (6 months or more) to decide whether or not the relationship had the potential of becoming as permanent as the virus before engaging in any sexual activity. But it’s also likely that my hesitancy and/or the precautionary measures I take to protect myself might also be regarded as an insult or rejection by someone who was sensitive about their condition. And usually (for me) the “sex talk” comes up early enough that neither one of us are too overly invested (emotionally) in the relationship that we’ll be completely devastated and ruined if it doesn’t go to that next level.

 

While I understand and appreciate the fact that I’ve been darn lucky so far compared to a good number of my relatives and friends, I’m not one to take that for granted and start tempting my odds. Sometimes, when having to choose between doing what’s necessary to protect yourself and sparing someone’s feelings ... you just can’t win for losing.

[macon]

Cov, do you realise you can contract genital herpes through giving or receiving oral sex? For example, if someone who has ever had a cold sore (the vast majority of the population) give you oral sex without you using a condom, then they could pass it on to you - unlikely if there is no mouth sore present, but still possible. And even if you did use a condom (I'm sorry, I don't believe even you go that safe) you could contract it at the base of your penis where the condom doesn't cover.

 

Do you realise that there ars several STDs that you can get with or without a condom, HPV being one of them? So someone having an STD is NOT proof that they have unsafe sex.

 

It is possible to contract various STDs through normal safe sex behaviour - the truth is sex is never 100% safe, and the OP's right to an extent, because you're more at risk from someone who doesn't know they have one. The majority of men with herpes have low or no symptons.

 

I think honesty and practicing safe sex are very important - but we need to know the facts about STDs rather than stigmatising each other through ignorance. The difficulties with many of these STDs are not usually to do with the symptons (the majority of humans have some form of herpes virus) but with our reactions to them.

 

I hope you do some more reading and stop thinking that an STD is a definitive sign of bad sexual practices - or morals that are somehow beneath yours.

[dreamergrl]

Cov, do you realise you can contract genital herpes through giving or receiving oral sex? For example, if someone who has ever had a cold sore (the vast majority of the population) give you oral sex without you using a condom, then they could pass it on to you - unlikely if there is no mouth sore present, but still possible. And even if you did use a condom (I'm sorry, I don't believe even you go that safe) you could contract it at the base of your penis where the condom doesn't cover.

 

Do you realise that there ars several STDs that you can get with or without a condom, HPV being one of them? So someone having an STD is NOT proof that they have unsafe sex.

 

It is possible to contract various STDs through normal safe sex behaviour - the truth is sex is never 100% safe, and the OP's right to an extent, because you're more at risk from someone who doesn't know they have one. The majority of men with herpes have low or no symptons.

 

I think honesty and practicing safe sex are very important - but we need to know the facts about STDs rather than stigmatising each other through ignorance. The difficulties with many of these STDs are not usually to do with the symptons (the majority of humans have some form of herpes virus) but with our reactions to them.

 

I hope you do some more reading and stop thinking that an STD is a definitive sign of bad sexual practices - or morals that are somehow beneath yours.

 

Well said!

[macon]

Everyone's talking about disclosing your STD status to a partner early on - but here's a question, how many here 'disclose' that they've had a cold sore on their mouth at some point in their lives to a potential partner? That's herpes, just as the genital kind is, and can therefore be given to any partner you perform oral sex on. Yes, simplex1 is easier to catch orally and simplex2 easier to catch genitally, but you can get 1 genitally and 2 orally, it's just not as common.

 

So, shouldn't people divulge that before dating someone? Or is that an 'acceptable' place to store the herpes virus (stays in your nerve endings there and never goes away, just as it does genitally) ? Can't we all see that almost all of us are hosts to this virus in one place or another?

[BUENG1]

Everyone's talking about disclosing your STD status to a partner early on - but here's a question, how many here 'disclose' that they've had a cold sore on their mouth at some point in their lives to a potential partner? That's herpes, just as the genital kind is, and can therefore be given to any partner you perform oral sex on. Yes, simplex1 is easier to catch orally and simplex2 easier to catch genitally, but you can get 1 genitally and 2 orally, it's just not as common.

 

So, shouldn't people divulge that before dating someone? Or is that an 'acceptable' place to store the herpes virus (stays in your nerve endings there and never goes away, just as it does genitally) ? Can't we all see that almost all of us are hosts to this virus in one place or another?

 

Yes if someone knows they have herpes they should disclose it. How common the disease is really has nothing to do with whether it should be disclosed or not.

[macon]

No, my question was whether people disclose if they've ever had a cold sore on their mouth to a prospective partner. I believe that most people don't. I believe that this is because most people make a big distinction between genital and oral herpes, which is incorrect. Many people don't realise that the coldsores you may have got on your mouth as a child, or continuing as an adult, are the same virus.

 

My point is that virtually everyone on the planet is host to the herpes virus in one location on their body or another. I am trying to show that genital herpes is not this scary uncommon disease, but something we all have in our nerve endings.

 

If we say we should disclose a genital herpes condition (which we should at the appropriate time) then people who think they don't have an STD but who HAVE HAD a coldsore on their mouth at one time or another, should ALSO consider themselves as someone who should disclose a potential STD status, because they could be a risk to an uninfected partner during oral sex.

 

I want to know if people who have had coldsores on their mouth consider they should disclose that in the same way? Or do we just ignore the possible STD risk associated because it's somehow an acceptable place to have the virus?

[Untouchable_Fire]

It doesn't take a cheating bf or gf to get it. You could have a gf who has it and doesn't even know it. End up with it.

 

That number is based off the reported cases. Imagine what that number is with all those who DON'T KNOW. It's actually spread more because people don't know they have it, then because of someone being "skanky".

 

I was just using that as an example, as there are tons of scenarios for getting it.

 

There are women who have babies and didn't know they were pregnant. I'm not surprised in the least to hear some don't know they have herpes.

 

Now... extremely promiscuous people tend to have STD's in general at a much higher rate. Avoid them and you reduce risks dramatically. Actually, if you look at transmission flow charts for HIV and other STD's, you see that it's typically the promiscuous people who spread the diseases around. Which makes sense really... it's a numbers game.

 

Anyway... this is getting off topic to a degree. The overall point is that Panda should not feel judged if someone refrains from a relationship due to her having HSV. It's a personal choice... Like me saying I don't date blonds.

[dreamergrl]

Yes if someone knows they have herpes they should disclose it. How common the disease is really has nothing to do with whether it should be disclosed or not.

 

I don't think it was said NOT to disclose it. The point I saw was how many people disclose the fact that they have HSV 1 orally? How many people stop and think or say "I have a cold sore, we shouldn't have oral sex".

 

To further that, while I know there are some people here that get all the STD tests to make sure they are still clean, but how many get tested when they aren't showing signs for any type of disease? How many people specifically ask for HPV and HSV testing since it's not part of the normal set of tests done.

[dreamergrl]

I was just using that as an example, as there are tons of scenarios for getting it.

 

There are women who have babies and didn't know they were pregnant. I'm not surprised in the least to hear some don't know they have herpes.

 

Now... extremely promiscuous people tend to have STD's in general at a much higher rate. Avoid them and you reduce risks dramatically. Actually, if you look at transmission flow charts for HIV and other STD's, you see that it's typically the promiscuous people who spread the diseases around. Which makes sense really... it's a numbers game.

 

It's not promiscuous people who spread the disease. It's common and wide spread because so many people don't realize they have it. Yeah, how many partners you've had will make you a higher risk to exposure, but it only takes one person to give it to you. People who know they have it, and become educated about it are less likely to spread it, because they know how to control it. It's also easier to spread it with in the first year of your first outbreak because eventually your body builds up anti bodies and can fight it easier. It's easy to contract if you have a low immune system. Besides, even if we base it on how many partners one has, how many people are actually completely honest about how many partners they've had.

 

Anyway... this is getting off topic to a degree. The overall point is that Panda should not feel judged if someone refrains from a relationship due to her having HSV. It's a personal choice... Like me saying I don't date blonds.

 

Well you claim to not be missing out on anything because you wont date someone with HSV (which like stated earlier, is basically 90% of the population for one form or another), and now your saying by not wanting to date a person with a certain hair color is the same, so you don't think you could miss out on a great person just because of their hair color?

[Art_Critic]

Well you claim to not be missing out on anything because you wont date someone with HSV (which like stated earlier, is basically 90% of the population for one form or another), and now your saying by not wanting to date a person with a certain hair color is the same, so you don't think you could miss out on a great person just because of their hair color?

 

Risking one's permanent health and hair color are 2 different animals in my opinion... they are both choices however.. but different in the aspect that blond hair isn't going to give you sores and place you on a lifetime regime of medicine to control the outbreaks

 

I'm not about to knowingly risk my future health.. I don't smoke for the same reason..

[dreamergrl]

I find it very entertaining that everyone maintains the "I don't want to risk my health" but they yet they ignore the statements made of cold sores, and whether or not you disclose or protect yourself from that type of HSV.

 

It's everyone's own personal choice of who they want to date or not date. I don't deny that. I just find some of the ignorance and education (or lack of) to be quite sad. I hate the judgment that goes with it.

 

No one wants a disease, but you can't 100% barricade yourself from it. No matter how you live or don't live.

[pandagirl]

This thread still lives!

 

OK, let me break this down:

 

1. Herpes is a very common condition. Some people know they have it, most don't.

2. Herpes is non-discriminatory! ANYONE can get it, not just promiscuous people!

3. It is a person's choice and decision whether to date someone with herpes; that being said, it is very difficult to know if the person you are having sex with has it.

4. Coldsores IS herpes.

5. Having herpes does not mean you are an unheathy person. I am extremely healthy, even though I have herpes. In fact, just had my annual doctor's check up today. He told me: "You are very healthy!"

6. Please become educated about herpes if you ever come across someone you really like who has it. You may find out that it isn't that big of a deal.

7. The stigma of herpes is much, much worse than the actual condition.

8. Herpes should absolutely not lower the "value" of a person.

[macon]

"but different in the aspect that blond hair isn't going to give you sores and place you on a lifetime regime of medicine to control the outbreaks"

 

Mmm ... the majority who contract genital herpes don't have symptons, or have no symptons after the initial outbreak. I'm not trying to change anyone's right to choice here, but I'd love to encourage the people here to do some reading.

 

Artcritic, can I ask if you've ever had an oral coldsore? Even as a child? If you have then you are a herpes carrier already, and should consider yourself an oral sex health risk in the same way you are considering those with genital herpes as a health risk.

[dreamergrl]

Risking one's permanent health and hair color are 2 different animals in my opinion... they are both choices however.. but different in the aspect that blond hair isn't going to give you sores and place you on a lifetime regime of medicine to control the outbreaks

 

I didn't make the hair color comparison - I just branched off of it..

 

Many of those with HSV don't stay on meds for a life time because as time goes on, the outbreaks become far and few, to non existent - often after just a year - some don't ever experience an outbreak. I know a friend who has had HSV for quite sometime but is no longer on the meds, has a bf and he still hasn't contracted it. She hasn't had an outbreak in years. You'd think with all their sack sessions they have, he'd gotten it by now. He gets tested for it several times a year.

[Art_Critic]

I find it very entertaining that everyone maintains the "I don't want to risk my health" but they yet they ignore the statements made of cold sores, and whether or not you disclose or protect yourself from that type of HSV..

 

Entertaining .. I haven't ignored your statements... I think I have posted clearly that I don't have herpes..

 

and for the record.. I have NEVER had a cold sore either..

 

We did have a sales rep here at work that used to get them a few times a year so I do at least know what they look like...

 

As far as whether I would disclose any cold sores.. I suppose I would even though I can't speak from experience on that..

The rep I mentioned earlier used to tell the people here at work when he had sores..

I guess he did that out of common courtesy as he might be touching them with his hands and then shaking hands with you.. but I am assuming about why he told us..

[macon]

Points 6 and 7 nail it! Herpes is actually just a minor inconvenience for many - as oral herpes is for many many more. You can't 100% guard against either, unless you never kiss or engage in any sexual activity. I also would just like people to spread facts rather than fiction, and stop stigmatising each other for perfectly common and non life-threatening infections that the majority of us carry in one form or another.

[Trialbyfire]

but I am assuming about why he told us..

Did he wink and smile at you directly?

[Art_Critic]

Artcritic, can I ask if you've ever had an oral coldsore? Even as a child? If you have then you are a herpes carrier already, and should consider yourself an oral sex health risk in the same way you are considering those with genital herpes as a health risk.

 

No I haven't.. honestly with the 90% statistic that gets thrown around I have no idea why..

I haven't done anything specific in regards to protecting myself from oral herpes..

 

With all the employees that I have working for me today ( +- 20 ) I can't think of any that have come to work with cold sores except for the one rep I mentioned in the last 20 or so years either..

[pandagirl]

P.S.: I asked my doctor some question about herpes when I was at my appt today. First, I asked him if I should go on suppresive medication if I start having sex. He asked me when my last outbreak was (it was 3-4 years ago) and he told me I shouldn't go on Valtrex, that my immune system was doing a good job. Also, I asked him about passing on Herpes even if I didn't have any symptoms. He said that there have been minimal studies done that say you can asymptomaticaly shed the virus from time to time, but those studies are so few and far between, that he doesn't necessarily think it's true or a fact that this happens.

 

He also told me that if I start having sex with the new guy, that I should ask him to get tested, because he could very well have HSV and not know.

[macon]

"Entertaining .. I haven't ignored your statements... I think I have posted clearly that I don't have herpes..

 

and for the record.. I have NEVER had a cold sore either.."

 

That's great! So, to your knowledge you don't have herpes - you're in the minority! Unfortunately you still can't categorically state that you don't have herpes ... you can only definitely state you don't have symptons

[dreamergrl]

Entertaining .. I haven't ignored your statements... I think I have posted clearly that I don't have herpes..

 

and for the record.. I have NEVER had a cold sore either..

 

We did have a sales rep here at work that used to get them a few times a year so I do at least know what they look like...

 

As far as whether I would disclose any cold sores.. I suppose I would even though I can't speak from experience on that..

The rep I mentioned earlier used to tell the people here at work when he had sores..

I guess he did that out of common courtesy as he might be touching them with his hands and then shaking hands with you.. but I am assuming about why he told us..

 

How many people actually disclose cold sores though? They don't just pop up in areas you can see. How often have you asked a partner if they've had cold sores prior to oral sex or kissing someone? How often do other people ask this?