The truth of living the single life.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with whoever said it... it's far better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you miserable.

 

Being single gives you almost unlimited freedom, at least within the confines of other commitments like work, the law, and so forth. In this society of ours, that's a helluva lot of freedom.

 

Anybody contemplating a relationship has to accept, up front, the fact that they will be required to give up some of their freedom. How much they'll be expected to give up depends on the other person. How much they'll be able to accept giving up depends on themselves. The key is to find somebody with whom the two quantities are roughly equal. If you can find that, in somebody to whom you're attracted, whose company you enjoy, and with whom you get sex on a regular basis, then you're golden.

 

The further apart those two quantities are, frankly, the less important the rest of it -- sex, attraction, etc. -- becomes. Everybody requires a certain amount of freedom within a relationship in order to be happy. (Some people require vast amounts of it and should either stay single or find an open relationship.) The further away from your minimum requirement you get, the more likely the relationship will ultimately end.

[CommitmentPhobe]

I wonder if the people that are claiming that they are miserable being single in their 30s are single through no choice because of their miserable defeatist attitude. I mean this stuff is depressing like really, I don't see how people can go through life with these sorts of hangups about themselves. If you're miserable being single go out and find a girlfiriend, it's not rocket science, and if you want someone that badly lower your expectations!

 

...... some of us are single through choice. Last time someone questioned me about it a girl with me decided to answer for me with "why would he want a just one girlfriend when he can get loads of women". It's the difference between projecting yourself as a confident person that's comfortable with it and some kind of miserable loner.

 

Internet forums eh... I sometimes think if you spend too much time here you might catch the mental diseases of other people. Perhaps people want this to be the truth so they won't have to face up to their own inadequacies.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Wow, if you were to believe 90% of the people in this topic, being single is so awesome that no one should ever even seek a mate! Why does this forum even exist then? Why are there millions upon millions upon millions of accounts from people saying that relationships completes them and puts them in a blissful state of being?

 

In what kind of ivory tower are you all living? Being single for years and years on end sucks, period. Those people that feel immense pain because they're single and fear that they're doomed, well they shouldn't have to bear with such delusional damage control. It's insulting for them.

 

I can't believe how good it feels for me to be in a relationship after having been with nothing but my own devices for eons, the difference is night and day. Much less tension, much less negative thoughts, much less of those interminably dull moments, much more direction... five times less pain... none of these awkward moments where you sit alone in your apartment feeling like doing nothing and seeking for some kind of gratification without ever finding it! I live for myself first and foremost and loves myself and my character immensely, but there're limits to what you can accomplish yourself.

 

And then there are the primal human needs: to mate, to be hugged, to feel someone else being attracted to you, to have sexual relief... there is nothing that can compensate for an absence of all that. Don't lie to these poor souls! Can you imagine how aggressive a life that's unfullfilled romantically and sexually is for a guy? It's absolutely unbearable, it turns you into a tortured beast. This isn't a part of you that you can just go ahead and ignore.

 

Oh wow, god help you if you ever breakup with your partner. I'm sure you're not needy at all I think it's true that some people have to have a relationship to feel comfortable in life. But as for those of us that are secure enough in ourselves to enjoy our own company as well as those of the opposite sex, well, we've just experienced a sense of confidence and fullfillment that you probably never will.

[Pmb]

I truely believe some ppl are happy being single in their 30's. That being said, I will not be one of those ppl. I am approching 30 this year, and thought I'd be settled with a husband and a couple kids by now.

 

I quite agree. Being single does not mean having as much freedom as many people think it does. Being free really means that when there is someone you really want to do then there is someone in your life whom you can rely on to do it with. It doesn't always work but it works much better then when there is nobody in your life like that. Young people have no idea what all this means because their experiences are very limited. And contrary to popular claims a person can't just choose to go out and get a girlfriend/boyfriend as the naive person might erroneosly believe. Its nice to be wanted, loved, cared for and have someone there when you need someone jsut to be there. The naive person is likely to conclude that this is "neediness" . From herein I will not comment on the erroneous beliefs of these naive people because I'm sure they are in the minority and that the majority of us understand how ignorant their misconceptions are, right?

 

I guess I'm one of those people who can be considered to be a people person because I enjoiy being around people and doing things with other people. Its not like I go out of my mind when I'm alone since I have many intellectual pursuits which I very much enjoy but for which very few people are educated well enough to understand the subject matter.

 

I'm so glad that I found this place!! Its so nice to see that there is a place to talk to people who are in the same position and understand what this is like!

 

Pete

[Pmb]

If you're miserable being single go out and find a girlfiriend, it's not rocket science, and if you want someone that badly lower your expectations!

You've got to be kidding me, right? Actually I am a rocket scientist (more or less) and I find that to be a very ignorant point of view. The equations of rocket science are of miniscule complexity compared to the "equations" of love, romance and human relationships.

 

Pete

[pandagirl]

I honestly think I may be one of those people who are better off being single. I'm 30 and my longest relationship has been only six months.

 

However, I fully admit that I have issues that prevent me from wanting to be in a relationship, which is why I started going to therapy this year. I fear loving and trusting another person with my heart. I find romantic love conditional and therefore too risky to partake in it.

 

But the real point I'm trying to make, is you can't be with anyone unless you are a full person yourself. People think being with another person willl somehow make you "complete." This is not true! You have to become a complete person on your own before being able truly give and take love. And, most importantly, you must love yourself first. Which is what I'm trying to do. I figure once that happens, everything will fall into place.

[stillafool]

And contrary to popular claims a person can't just choose to go out and get a girlfriend/boyfriend as the naive person might erroneosly believe. Its nice to be wanted, loved, cared for and have someone there when you need someone jsut to be there. The naive person is likely to conclude that this is "neediness" . From herein I will not comment on the erroneous beliefs of these naive people because I'm sure they are in the minority and that the majority of us understand how ignorant their misconceptions are, right?

 

 

 

Perhaps this is ignorant and naive to you but not to me. I am not a (very) young person and I do believe that if one wants a partner you can go out and meet people, ask someone for a date and get to know them. I do believe that people who sit around whining about "not having a gf or bf" are "needy as hell". There are millions of people in the world, stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and meet someone.

[Pmb]

Perhaps this is ignorant and naive to you but not to me.

And you think that this holds in all cases in all possible circumstances for all people? Or are you talking about your pesonal experiences and those of the people around you?

[Pmb]

But the real point I'm trying to make, is you can't be with anyone unless you are a full person yourself.

What do you mean by "complete"?

[stillafool]

And you think that this holds in all cases in all possible circumstances for all people? Or are you talking about your pesonal experiences and those of the people around you?

 

 

Of course I think this applies to most people. If you don't get out there meet people and try to find a mate how else will you get one? They certainly aren't going to ride a white horse into your living room and say "here I am". If a person isn't trying to meet a mate then how can they complain?

[Pmb]

Of course I think this applies to most people.

But most people aren't single or truly alone .. depending on their age that is.

If you don't get out there meet people and try to find a mate how else will you get one? They certainly aren't going to ride a white horse into your living room and say "here I am". If a person isn't trying to meet a mate then how can they complain?

I had a feeling someone would ask this so I was trying to edit my last post to explain. Unfortunately the time ran out and I have to post a new one.

 

I think if you ask anybody this question you'd find that nearly all of them are quite willing to go out and make new friends and "get out there." But you have to keep in mind that what works for one person may not work for another. Some people meet others by going to bars and nightclubs. I hate those places myself.

 

I was trying to be vague and still convey what I meant but I see that goal may not be realizable in practice. I'd like to elaborate about what I was attempting to convey in my first post. I had in mind truly being alone, i.e. no/few social relationships or an insufficient number of them. I think people often confuse being single with being alone. Having a significant other can be sufficient to fill that void but it is far from being necessary. However having a significant other can lead to broadening one's social network.

 

Being complete is not an entirely intrinsic thing, far from it in fact. People are, by their very nature, social animals. People simply have a very difficult time being isolated, i.e. truly alone. That's why complete solitude is detrimental to any person's mental state regardless of who that person is or how complete a person may think they are. And if a person is isolated from others then there is a temptation to believe it is his or her own fault. That is obviously an incorrect assumption. Perhaps the people who think of themselves as being complete are forgetting that they are not truly alone. I'm talking about people who have friends/acquaintances around them, or they have access to situations where they can be around people and make new friends. Take away one's social relationships, i.e. family, coworkers, fellow church members etc. then things begin to change even for those people who previously thought of themselves as being complete. People whom some think of as complete are those people that have sufficient social relationships, the number of which depends on the individual. But these people aren’t alone.

 

I was being as vague as possible because I don't like sharing personal information but I see that it may not be possible to get my point across otherwise. This may also mean that this will be my last post here, but so be it. I'm searching for a nice forum; it doesn't mean I found one yet

 

Let me give you an example from my personal experience: In 2000 I contracted a very deadly form of cancer. Needless to say I survived. But in the process I found out that the people I thought were my "friends" were far from actually being friends in the first place. I guess cancer does that to relationships. During the process I had to go on disability and I lost my car in the meantime. The friends that remain either live far away or are married and don't go out anymore. Making new friends is a slow and difficult process when you don't have a car. I can't exactly go to social gatherings when I choose to. When I finished treatment my mother died. In retrospect it seems that she was the one that kept the family together so there goes the family contacts. When I was ready to go back to work I severely damaged my back. There goes the friends at work contacts. I had to have two major surgeries which didn’t even solve the problem to the point where I could return to work. I'm still disabled but am slowly getting better. Working out at a gym can be very touchy (if not dangerous) for me since I don't understand my body very well anymore. I therefore don’t have the acquaintances at the gym that I used to (i.e. passing friendships etc.). I can't exactly walk to places in absence of a car nor can relying on the bus replace a car in this respect. And I can tell you from experience that women are not generally interested in dating men who are disabled, especially when they don’t have a car

 

Perhaps there are a few people who are social geniuses who would have figured out how to get around these problems. Perhaps that is the case. However that mere fact that I'm not one of these social geniuses doesn't imply that I'm intrinsically incomplete or needy or whatever other tags people like to place on others in this respect.

 

There was no other way that I know of to explain this without giving my specific example. If I described an imaginary situation like this then it’d be too hard to believe (experience tells me this). Each person's situation is unique and in my personal experiences with others it has nothing to do with intrinsic character traits. People who are fine by themselves may find that when they retire they lost all contact with the people from work and find that it was those contacts that made their lives full. When those are gone it becomes a problem.

 

My point remains the same. Just because a person is single doesn't mean that they are alone, social contacts remain or can be made with some effort (and transportation) it doesn't mean that they can't enjoy their lives. But being truly alone is a totally different story.

 

I believe that if you ask around here that you'll find that doing things that one person does to "get out there" is unpleasant for others. And being in an unpleasant environment is not conducive to meeting new people. For example, some people are comfortable in bars/nightclubs while that same person is uncomfortable in a bible study. The person who is comfortable in a bible study may be uncomfortable in bars/nightclubs.

[pandagirl]

What do you mean by "complete"?

 

To me, being "complete" means being a whole person on my own. Knowing how to be happy, knowing who I am, being confident, loving myself, knowing what I want out of life.

 

Not "needing" a romantic partner to feel fulfilled. I do have tons of friends and do date, but I truly believe the reason I have not attracted the right person for me, is because I am not 100% comfortable with myself yet.

[Pmb]

I neglected to add something

Of course I think this applies to most people.

But most people aren't single or truly alone .. depending on their age that is. I keep forgetting that there are younger people here. When I was yound I rarely thought about this. Being single then merely meant no sex. ;-)

[Pmb]

To me, being "complete" means being a whole person on my own. Knowing how to be happy, knowing who I am, being confident, loving myself, knowing what I want out of life.

Then what does this have to do with people being single?

 

I think it goes without saying that it is impossible for a person to be a "whole person" on their own without anybody in their lives (I'm not talking about girlfriends/biyfriends exclusively here).

 

Do you believe that you can be complete when you are forced by life's circumstances to be totally alone? If so then I'd love to hear about it.

[Pmb]

I have not attracted the right person for me, is because I am not 100% comfortable with myself yet.

Have you ever met someone who was truly 100% comfortable with themselves? I have but those people were narcissistic.

[pandagirl]

Then what does this have to do with people being single?

 

I think it goes without saying that it is impossible for a person to be a "whole person" on their own without anybody in their lives (I'm not talking about girlfriends/biyfriends exclusively here).

 

Do you believe that you can be complete when you are forced by life's circumstances to be totally alone? If so then I'd love to hear about it.

 

because the lack of these things in my life have led me to be unhappy, therefore being scared and not willing to get into a relationship.

[Pmb]

because the lack of these things in my life have led me to be unhappy, therefore being scared and not willing to get into a relationship.

Thank you. That was very honest and sincere answer. I appreciate that.

 

I recall having problems making friends in college after going a two years. I didn't know exactly why until later on. It turned out to be something bizzare. E.g. I met a nice girl in my Real Analysis class. This course is well known for being notoriously difficult. Before the first exam we were friends. We ate breakfast/lunch and studied together. When the results from the first exam came back everybody was getting grades like 35, 52 etc. The girl I mentioned turned around and asked me what I got. I told her I got a 100. From that point on she never spoke to me again, nor did anyone else in the class. Similar things to this happened in my life, another of which ruined a relationship with a girl I was very interested in. I had to learn to suppress that part of me. I'm not sure how well I have succeeded in this yet. It may sound humerous but is anything but. And I'm not being arrogant either. I had a hard time believing that people looked at me this way because I never saw myself that way either. Women say they want an intelligent man but they never say the whole truth, i.e. Well ... not too intelligent!

[CommitmentPhobe]

You've got to be kidding me, right? Actually I am a rocket scientist (more or less) and I find that to be a very ignorant point of view. The equations of rocket science are of miniscule complexity compared to the "equations" of love, romance and human relationships.

 

Pete

 

There are no equations, unless you live in your head. Sounds like you over analyse, turn off the forum, go meet someone and have fun.

[Pmb]

There are no equations, unless you live in your head. Sounds like you over analyse, turn off the forum, go meet someone and have fun.

Oy vey! You actually thought I meant that literally? When someone puts a word in quotes, as I did with "equation", it means that the term is not to be taken literally, i.e. it is mean to be taken figuratively. In this case it merely means that human relationships are much more complicated than rocket science.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Oy vey! You actually thought I meant that literally? When someone puts a word in quotes, as I did with "equation", it means that the term is not to be taken literally, i.e. it is mean to be taken figuratively. In this case it merely means that human relationships are much more complicated than rocket science.

 

Human relationships are as complicated as you make them....

[paddington bear]

Single = woo hoo! I'm free I'm going to have fun. Hurray

Still Single = bloody hell, why am I always alone, boo hoo

 

There's a difference and it all depends how long you've been single

 

Neither single nor in a relationship is better or worse - however, you don't get happily coupled up people going 'Why am I still in a couple, why why, this is so miserable, I want to be single again' - we all aspire to that.

 

As we are, for the most, social animals, to be denied the chance to love someone and be loved in return can make us wither away somewhat. It's not that someone else can 'complete you' or make your life a million times better. By the time you hit your 30's you usually realise that you don't 'need' someone in your life to make you whole, but that it would be nice if there was someone - it's love, companionship, intimacy and sex that us singles in our 30's want.

 

Sometimes I think, 'it would just be nice to get to experience that, like the happy couples I know' and it's sad not to experience something you are curious about and I think sometimes too for some reason I'm just not allowed to 'get that'. Good friends are great, being independent is great, to fall in love with the right person would also be nice too

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I truely believe some ppl are happy being single in their 30's. That being said, I will not be one of those ppl. I am approching 30 this year, and thought I'd be settled with a husband and a couple kids by now.

 

I was suppose to be married by age 25 and have my first kid by age 30. I am now 38 with not even a prospect of a gf at this time. I have not birth any children and refuse to do so out of wedlock. I am happy with life, not being single. I do desire all that I dream about when it concerns a wife and children, but if it does not come to me, I still have a life responsible for living and I have to be the one to find happiness in it. That is why I have the hobbies I have and do the things I do with my life. And I have had a relatively abundant life (not overflowing, but definitely nothing worth seeing a psychiatrist over).

 

My only words of wisdom to you is this... Live your life to the fullest. If the blessing of a marriage and children come to you, they are just added blessings to your life, but if they don't still find joy in life for it is not all these other things we think that makes us happy, but, we ourselves.

 

 

DNR

[amerikajin]

I think the truth about living the single life is that if you are single by choice, you're probably content with being single. If, however, you're confused, frustrated and in search of your "soul mate", you're probably not happy with the single life. It's like any other aspect of your life: if you're getting what you want, you're satisfied; if you're not, you're not. I'm in a relationship but I'm unmarried, and for the time being, that's what I want -- I'm content. Someone who got dumped six months ago and wants another go at a serious relationship speaks from an entirely different perspective.