Boyfriends Best Friend

[amerikajin]

It appears as though your intentions for breaking up with your boyfriend were so you could get together with his "friend". It looks this way because you want to do damage control and stay dishonest with the previous boyfriend while pursuing the "friend". The boyfriend was just an obstacle. You are selfish and weak.

 

Everybody is selfish, and romance naturally brings out the selfishness in all of us. I'm not defending her actions here, but someone is usually going to get disappointed or hurt in a relationship. Even in strong, long-lasting relationships there is pain. I think the important thing is that she finally stopped living the lie. I agree that there may yet be hell to pay, but she's going to pay that regardless of whether her ex finds out now or later.

 

As for what she does with her boyfriend's buddy, that's now between her and the guy. I think what she has to realize is that the guy knows absolutely nothing about loyalty: any guy who would do that to his own friend is almost certainly the kind of guy who would cheat on her without giving it a second thought. And likewise, to be honest, if I were the guy, I would probably conclude that she has a demonstrated potential to cheat on him. I think the new relationship, assuming they continue with it, is doomed. I think both she and this new/old guy of hers should look at this objectively and realize it's probably better to start anew with other people and to start with some credibility.

 

I predict that they will continue with their relationship and try to fly under the radar. Someone will see them together, start whispering, and somewhere along the way the truth will come out...and it will be ugly. And they'll both just have to live with the consequences. But whether they tell now or not, I don't see the difference one way or the other. The damage is done. They will just have to deal with it and hopefully learn from it.

[Trialbyfire]

lizzie, if you have any residual caring for your ex-b/f, you would tell him the truth so he can get an STD check. For that matter, so should you.

 

Cheating can have far-reaching implications such as contracting curable or incurable diseases.

[amerikajin]

lizzie, if you have any residual caring for your ex-b/f, you would tell him the truth so he can get an STD check. For that matter, so should you.

 

Cheating can have far-reaching implications such as contracting curable or incurable diseases.

 

Can't she check herself first? I mean if she has an STD, then I agree that she absolutely must tell him, and to the OP, yes, you must get checked. TBF is right on this one. I'm not necessarily advising against telling him otherwise, but I don't necessarily think that she is obligated to tell him now unless something like an STD becomes an issue.

[Trialbyfire]

Can't she check herself first? I mean if she has an STD, then I agree that she absolutely must tell him, and to the OP, yes, you must get checked. TBF is right on this one. I'm not necessarily advising against telling him otherwise, but I don't necessarily think that she is obligated to tell him now unless something like an STD becomes an issue.

Not everyone gets the cross-the-board STD tests since some feel that certain STDs aren't important enough to warrant checking, since they're not life-threatening. In telling him, she gives him the ability to decide what he feels is worthwhile doing, instead of relying on her information. Also, some STDs take time to manifest sufficiently, to show up on a test.

 

After I found out my ex-H cheated, I had all tests done. Then, I had to go back months later for follow-up on certain STDs, to ensure for a clean slate.

[amerikajin]

Not everyone gets the cross-the-board STD tests since some feel that certain STDs aren't important enough to warrant checking, since they're not life-threatening. In telling him, she gives him the ability to decide what he feels is worthwhile doing, instead of relying on her information. Also, some STDs take time to manifest sufficiently, to show up on a test.

 

After I found out my ex-H cheated, I had all tests done. Then, I had to go back months later for follow-up on certain STDs, to ensure for a clean slate.

 

Fair point, TBF. I think the risk depends on the OP's sexual behavior, which is a topic she should reflect on carefully and honestly.

 

OP, if you know you've been responsible about protection, I might be less inclined to worry about the STD angle. But if you know you've had unprotected sex with this person, you might want to consider seriously the risk of STD's. Is the current guy/ex's friend a promiscuous person? Did you have unprotected sex? At the very least get tested immediately if you haven't already. If the answer is yes to one of these you might have to find a way to let him know what's up -- I think you really should do it if the answer is 'yes' to both. TBF is right. I hadn't really thought of that angle, but you might have exposed your ex to STD's. Some of the diseases are asymptomatic and take a while to be detected by tests. If you've passed on a disease your ex would benefit from early diagnosis and treatment, and so would anyone he has relations with in the future.

[hip chick]

Hey, everybody, before we start judging, maybe her boyfriend is screwing around, too. Let's not make him the saint. He was doing something (not being emotionally available, etc.) to make the girlfriend seek out what was missing in her relationship. That possibility is he was cheating first. Who knows.

[amerikajin]

Hey, everybody, before we start judging, maybe her boyfriend is screwing around, too. Let's not make him the saint. He was doing something (not being emotionally available, etc.) to make the girlfriend seek out what was missing in her relationship. That possibility is he was cheating first. Who knows.

 

Assuming you're not trolling...

 

The first problem is, this is a wild assumption without any evidence presented to back that up. The logic of justifying an action based on the notion of what her ex might have been doing is just absurd.

 

Even if her ex was cheating or somehow not satisfying her needs, the best decision in this situation is to leave the relationship as gracefully as one can.

[hip chick]

Nope, not trolling. Her boyfriend was clearly not giving of himself enough that she went looking for what was missing.

[amerikajin]

Nope, not trolling. Her boyfriend was clearly not giving of himself enough that she went looking for what was missing.

 

Even if what you say is true, she could have gone looking for what was missing while minimizing the damage to her ex. Instead she may have exposed him to STD's and continued dating her ex even after she found what was missing (and I don't buy that excuse, by the way).

[Trialbyfire]

Even if what you say is true, she could have gone looking for what was missing while minimizing the damage to her ex. Instead she may have exposed him to STD's and continued dating her ex even after she found what was missing (and I don't buy that excuse, by the way).

Much of this is reliant on the bar you hold yourself up to. If you're a fairplay person, you will sever unsatisfactory ties first, then move onto someone else.

[whichwayisup]

Hey, everybody, before we start judging, maybe her boyfriend is screwing around, too. Let's not make him the saint. He was doing something (not being emotionally available, etc.) to make the girlfriend seek out what was missing in her relationship. That possibility is he was cheating first. Who knows.

 

From the sounds of it, her boyfriend was completely inlove with her and devastated when she broke up with him. I highly doubt he was cheating on her.

 

Nope, not trolling. Her boyfriend was clearly not giving of himself enough that she went looking for what was missing.

 

This is bullcrap! This girl and those who cheat are just plain selfish and something is broken within HER. If he wasn't meeting her needs she had the CHOICE to speak up and talk to him, instead of CHOOSING to go outside of the relationship and cheat. Sorry but blaming the innocent party, the betrayed is NOT a justification.

[BUENG1]

Hey, everybody, before we start judging, maybe her boyfriend is screwing around, too. Let's not make him the saint. He was doing something (not being emotionally available, etc.) to make the girlfriend seek out what was missing in her relationship. That possibility is he was cheating first. Who knows.

 

Yea maybe so, the difference is you just made that idea up with nothing at all to support your opinion. The OP has admitted to cheating.

[Lizzie62]

I have been listening to everyones opinion an im taking them all into account. I have spoken to the guy about telling my ex, and he has said that we will eventually tell him but not right now, wait until things calm down kind of thing.

It appears as though your intentions for breaking up with your boyfriend were so you could get together with his "friend". It looks this way because you want to do damage control and stay dishonest with the previous boyfriend while pursuing the "friend". The boyfriend was just an obstacle. You are selfish and weak.

I never said that me and the friend were going to be together. Yeah I guess we have spoken about it, but in reality I dont really see it happening.

OP, if you know you've been responsible about protection, I might be less inclined to worry about the STD angle. But if you know you've had unprotected sex with this person, you might want to consider seriously the risk of STD's. Is the current guy/ex's friend a promiscuous person? Did you have unprotected sex? At the very least get tested immediately if you haven't already. If the answer is yes to one of these you might have to find a way to let him know what's up -- I think you really should do it if the answer is 'yes' to both. TBF is right. I hadn't really thought of that angle, but you might have exposed your ex to STD's. Some of the diseases are asymptomatic and take a while to be detected by tests. If you've passed on a disease your ex would benefit from early diagnosis and treatment, and so would anyone he has relations with in the future.

We haven't really been using protection, but he doesnt get around. And has apparently only been seeing me through the whole time. or so he says:confused: Im not sure about that. But I have given it some thought as to get myself checked, do you go to your local doctor? I dont completely know how that works... But your saying that some things dont show up? and I should go for a check up?

 

Hey, everybody, before we start judging, maybe her boyfriend is screwing around, too. Let's not make him the saint. He was doing something (not being emotionally available, etc.) to make the girlfriend seek out what was missing in her relationship. That possibility is he was cheating first. Who knows.

I highly doubt that he has been cheating on me, but then again he would highly doubt that I would ever cheat. But no, im gonna say that he hasn't been. Im not going to place the blame on him. He has always been available to me, he would of done anything to make me happy.

This girl and those who cheat are just plain selfish and something is broken within HER

So yes your right.

[whichwayisup]

We haven't really been using protection, but he doesnt get around. And has apparently only been seeing me through the whole time. or so he says Im not sure about that.

 

Uhh...He easily cheated with you. Do you know his sexual history? How many women he's been with and has he ever cheated before? Don't trust ANYONE's word, go to the Dr yourself and get checked. Book an appointment and ask your Dr to do a STD blood test and get a pap.

[Lizzie62]

Uhh...He easily cheated with you. Do you know his sexual history? How many women he's been with and has he ever cheated before? Don't trust ANYONE's word, go to the Dr yourself and get checked. Book an appointment and ask your Dr to do a STD blood test and get a pap.

Hes never cheated on a girlfriend. But he has been with a few people. Ok thanks for the info.

[amerikajin]

Lizzie,

 

I don't think you're a bad person; I think you're a good person who has unfortunately done a few things that aren't so good. People do that in life. I've made my fair share of mistakes myself. I sense that you're coming out of the fog and starting to come to grips with what you've done, which is good. I think you should really have some time to yourself and reflect on what has happened over the past 6-12 months, both during the time you started the affair and even before then. Think about what led you to this point. Remember it for all time.

 

I have been listening to everyones opinion an im taking them all into account. I have spoken to the guy about telling my ex, and he has said that we will eventually tell him but not right now, wait until things calm down kind of thing.

 

Whatever he says or does is his business, but don't rely on him to do your thinking for you. I can't necessarily say tell or don't tell, but I think you should think about that and weigh the ethics of this on your own. Don't worry yourself over what your sex partner thinks. I might give him a heads up if you decide to tell, so that he'll expect a swift reaction that is undoubtedly going to follow. Don't delude yourself into thinking that your ex won't have something to say about it once he finds out, whether that's a week or a year from now. Telling him later will likely soften the blow, but I doubt it softens it all that much. He'll still feel betrayed. I think he'll especially feel betrayed by his friend.

 

I never said that me and the friend were going to be together. Yeah I guess we have spoken about it, but in reality I dont really see it happening.

 

I would strongly advise against this. I think you both need time to yourselves to reflect upon what you've done. I still can't get over his friend/your partner. I mean, I'm usually someone who is a live-and-let-live kinda guy, and I usually stay out of people's private lives and don't necessarily hold private indiscretions against people when it comes to matters of romance. But this guy crossed a line big time (you did, too, but I think his is much worse). This guy is not a friend to anyone. If I found out one of my dude friends did this to another buddy of mine I would drop their friendship immediately -- I don't care how well we got along.

 

We haven't really been using protection, but he doesnt get around. And has apparently only been seeing me through the whole time. or so he says:confused: Im not sure about that. But I have given it some thought as to get myself checked, do you go to your local doctor? I dont completely know how that works... But your saying that some things dont show up? and I should go for a check up?

 

You absolutely must get checked, Lizzie. You can go to a hospital or even a local clinic and get one. I think public hospitals offer them at a reduced price, though the time I got mine I was overseas. Just Google it in your area. I'm sure something will come up.

 

Yes, it's true. Some diseases are asymptomatic, and I'm not talking about HIV, which can remain asymptomatic for years itself. I'm also talking about herpes and other less life-threatening but still serious STD's. They can fly under the radar, so to speak. I think you should get checked immediately. The fact that you've been having unprotected sex exposes you to these risks. If you've been simultaneously having sex with your ex, then you've also exposed him to the same risk. Ethically, you might have to find a way to tell him. I don't know how you do it, and I know it's hard, but you should give this issue some consideration.

 

I highly doubt that he has been cheating on me, but then again he would highly doubt that I would ever cheat. But no, im gonna say that he hasn't been. Im not going to place the blame on him. He has always been available to me, he would of done anything to make me happy. So yes your right.

 

I'm glad you're being objective about this. I know it's tough to come to the realization that you've done something you're not proud of. You're human. I think the thing is to learn your lesson.

[whichwayisup]

Hes never cheated on a girlfriend.

 

Has a girlfriend ever cheated on him?

[Lizzie62]

I don't think you're a bad person; I think you're a good person who has unfortunately done a few things that aren't so good.

Thank you for that. Really, it means alot.

Think about what led you to this point. Remember it for all time.

I dont even know what has led me to this..It honestly came out of no were. Nothing was wrong with the relationship. It was the same as always.

Don't delude yourself into thinking that your ex won't have something to say about it once he finds out, whether that's a week or a year from now. Telling him later will likely soften the blow, but I doubt it softens it all that much

I understand that, im terrified of the day that he will find out.

I would strongly advise against this. I think you both need time to yourselves to reflect upon what you've done. I still can't get over his friend/your partner. I mean, I'm usually someone who is a live-and-let-live kinda guy, and I usually stay out of people's private lives and don't necessarily hold private indiscretions against people when it comes to matters of romance. But this guy crossed a line big time (you did, too, but I think his is much worse). This guy is not a friend to anyone. If I found out one of my dude friends did this to another buddy of mine I would drop their friendship immediately -- I don't care how well we got along.

I think your right, I think I want to be single for a while. See what happens with that, I thought I wouldn't be able to do the single thing. Its been so long, but its not as scary as what I thought it would be.

I think me and the friend are both as bad as each other. I dont see how one can be worse when we did the exact same thing.

I'm glad you're being objective about this. I know it's tough to come to the realization that you've done something you're not proud of. You're human. I think the thing is to learn your lesson.

Your right. All of a sudden im seeing it so much different now. I can't believe that I could do something like that to someone I cared so much for. And for so long. At least I can say that I will not make the same mistake again.

Has a girlfriend ever cheated on him?

Yes he has had a girlfriend cheat on him. He hasn't been in a relationship for about 3 years now though.

[whichwayisup]

Then there is another reason to go get yourself checked for STD's. Who knows HOW many guys the girlfriend cheated on him, let alone any other guy before.

[Lizzie62]

Im not sure if she slept with anyone else though. We were still pretty young then. People didnt go sleeping around back then.. im not sure. But yeah I know that im already going to get checked anyway. Thanks.

[amerikajin]

Thank you for that. Really, it means alot.

I dont even know what has led me to this..It honestly came out of no were. Nothing was wrong with the relationship. It was the same as always. I understand that, im terrified of the day that he will find out.

 

I know you probably feel like crap now. A part of you should feel that way; otherwise, you'd feel inclined to go right out and do it again. At the same time, however, I don't think you should feel as though you're lower than low. You shouldn't feel as though you're beyond repair. You can be repaired, and you can learn from this. But you have to be willing to reflect on this, ask yourself hard questions and search for the truth, even if it doesn't necessarily seem comfortable to do so. I sense that you want to move past this and learn from this experience.

 

I think you do know what led you to this but you don't want to think about it. Well, not good enough -- think about it! If I had to guess, it could be that you felt safe with your boyfriend and that you enjoyed his companionship, but the other guy made you feel sexy in some way. I think there was possibly a stronger physical attraction to your parter on the side. Whether the connection was emotional, physical or both, the number two guy made a connection. That connection felt stimulating and exciting. In a way, I would agree with hip chick: there was something missing with the first guy. That doesn't justify what you did at all, but it explains it. I think you have to think hard about what motivated you to do what you did. What exactly went through your mind when you first met. Just think about it, recall as much as you can and be completely honest with yourself. For what it's worth, feeling that the connection felt stimulating and exciting was not where you went wrong. You went off the road of propriety when you acted upon those feelings without considering the impact your actions would have on your ex. Feelings are natural and often difficult to control, but actions can and, oftentimes, must be controlled.

 

I think your right, I think I want to be single for a while. See what happens with that, I thought I wouldn't be able to do the single thing. Its been so long, but its not as scary as what I thought it would be. I think me and the friend are both as bad as each other. I dont see how one can be worse when we did the exact same thing.

 

I'm not minimizing what you did. Admittedly, I'm looking at this from the guy's perspective. It goes without saying that straying in a relationship has adverse consequences. I guess I'm just seeing it from your ex's perspective. It would be bad enough that my girl cheated, but the last person I would expect to have her cheat with would be my good friend - my best friend. It would be devastating. Not only would I not trust women for a while, I wouldn't trust people at all. That's what's so brutal about this, Lizzie, and yes, you did have a hand in this, so I'm not minimizing what you did. I'm just saying, I think that the friend is a real traitor in my view.

 

Your right. All of a sudden im seeing it so much different now. I can't believe that I could do something like that to someone I cared so much for. And for so long. At least I can say that I will not make the same mistake again.

 

Well, let's just hold off on the predictions about the future. You need to think this one through, take time to digest things, and really start thinking about the steps you can take to make sure that this doesn't happen again.

 

Yes he has had a girlfriend cheat on him. He hasn't been in a relationship for about 3 years now though.

 

Even so, he's been sexually active. There's no way of getting around being tested. Chances are, nothing will show up, but you want to be sure. Get tested immediately - within the next few days. See what the results say and maybe go from there. I tend to think that if it comes back with a clean bill of health, you're probably in the clear. I would get another round in 12 weeks just to be sure.

[tinktronik]

Im with Ameri on this one. Don't tell the b/f about sleeping with his pal' but you need to end the R with your b/f and untangle this mess.

[Lizzie62]

I think you do know what led you to this but you don't want to think about it. Well, not good enough -- think about it! If I had to guess, it could be that you felt safe with your boyfriend and that you enjoyed his companionship, but the other guy made you feel sexy in some way. I think there was possibly a stronger physical attraction to your parter on the side. Whether the connection was emotional, physical or both, the number two guy made a connection. That connection felt stimulating and exciting. In a way, I would agree with hip chick: there was something missing with the first guy. That doesn't justify what you did at all, but it explains it. I think you have to think hard about what motivated you to do what you did. What exactly went through your mind when you first met. Just think about it, recall as much as you can and be completely honest with yourself. For what it's worth, feeling that the connection felt stimulating and exciting was not where you went wrong. You went off the road of propriety when you acted upon those feelings without considering the impact your actions would have on your ex. Feelings are natural and often difficult to control, but actions can and, oftentimes, must be controlled.

I guess that does make some sense. Im not sure, its just that the relationship hadn't changed at all. We weren't going through a rough patch, I dont understand what made me want to do that. But I remember having a dream, about the other guy, a few weeks before it happened, and I dunno I just felt attracted to him all of a sudden. Im not sure, i'll give it some more thought and get back to you.

 

It would be bad enough that my girl cheated, but the last person I would expect to have her cheat with would be my good friend - my best friend.

Yeah I can see your point. I know that if my boyfriend was doing this with one of my best friends I would be a mess. Which just makes me feel like sh*t even more.

 

Well, let's just hold off on the predictions about the future. You need to think this one through, take time to digest things, and really start thinking about the steps you can take to make sure that this doesn't happen again.

Well, im hoping it doesn't happen again, I dont like feeling like im some sl*t that sleeps around. Its so emotionally draining, it is not worth it at all.

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[Chrome Barracuda]

And women like her is the reason for men to never get married.

 

The thing is you cant even be honest with yourself, you havent told the complete truth, the OG is a scumbag and your sticking up for him, even to a point where you want a relationship with him? WTF?

 

If he can betray his best friend you dont think he'll be faithful to you???

 

What kind of woman are you to encourage a man like this?

 

Instead of feeling like scum tell the truth to your soon to be x and absolve yourself of your sins.

 

You didnt even have enough common sense to wear a condom in this age of STD's and aids your running around and dont know what they got!