epiphany?

[sunshinegirl]

thank you, nevermind.

 

My parents are in town and we had dinner last night at my sister's. My sis brought out a cake for dessert, and it was for me: it had "New Start!" on it.

 

I want to believe it, I want to have a new start. But man, mornings are awful. I am trying not to think about him with her - what they're doing on the weekend he and I were supposed to go to the wedding and then go rock climbing. Gee, did he take HER climbing? Prick. Prick. Double prick.

[roghornio]

what they're doing on the weekend he and I were supposed to go to the wedding and then go rock climbing. Gee, did he take HER climbing? Prick. Prick. Double prick.

 

The mind loves to torment itself!

 

NO point in thinking these things through cause 99.9% of the time you’re totally wrong!!

Which is why avoiding facebook/myspace is a winner… the slightest bit of information sends your mind of on a depressing spree.

[roghornio]

I think I just had my epiphany… I wasn’t expecting at all.

 

I just remembered something that happened the night I broke up with me ex… and at the time it seemed trivial… it just popped into my head there… and now with hindsight it explains it all . I can safely stop blaming myself now – I have solved it… wow… I feel like something has unlocked in my head.

[sunshinegirl]

I'm officially going insane. As much as I know I need to redirect my thoughts away from stupid ex and his new girlfriend, I am struggling big time to do it.

 

I know this is my big chance to work on myself, create a whole new life, and be open and ready for the right guy to walk through the door. Cognitively, I know this. I do. I settled for icing when what I really need is the cake. He is unlikely to change his stripes without serious work - the kind of work I myself am embarking on and which is so, so hard.

 

But I am truly insane because thoughts about who this woman is keep intruding in my thoughts. I know she's 36, I know she's 'attractive', I know she works at his office. The thought suddenly occurred to me that maybe she too is divorced, perhaps was even cheated on, and now they have formed some special bond over that and he's opening up to her about all of his pain/thoughts/dreams, blah blah blah. I am crazy, this is crazy, it shouldn't matter. I am still stuck in the doom loop of comparison, and convinced I was unworthy of his love. When really, he was unworthy of MY love!!

 

My friend remarked last night that had I randomly met him online or at a bar, I probably would have gone out with him a couple of times and then written him off because his conversational skills were so lackluster. But because he is Ken-doll good looking ("he was too polished and his teeth are too white" the friend said) and athletic and standoffish/wounded, and a close friend of someone whose judgment I trust, I was drawn to him like to the flame.

 

So, again, the quality or depth of his new relationship should not matter. It does not change the fact that he was no good for ME. I keep telling myself that, but it's not sticking. It's just not sticking. I am still idealizing him at some level.

 

And I am emotionally exhausted - I still can't focus at work, clean up my apartment, eat, or exercise. As I mentioned earlier, my dad came to my therapy session yesterday. It was good/hard/weird but oh so exhausting. I feel like I have a therapy hangover today...AND I am stuck in these crappy loops of him and the stupid new girl.

 

Okay. I just needed to get that out there. I know it must be tiring to read people getting stuck in the same stupid distorted thinking patterns. I am doubling up on therapy this week - second appt for the week is Thursday.

[Kamille]

Reading you doesn't get tiring Sunshine Girl

 

It sounds like your biggest problem right now is that you're not being patient with yourself.

 

Of course you're thinking about this woman. You found out about it all a week ago sweetie. Give yourself a break. Obsess if you have to and forgive yourself for obsessing.

 

I would advise, however, that of all the things you named that you can't seem to focus on, you pick one as the one you want to do right now. If I were, I would pick exercise (it's the one that offers the most emotional benefits), and forgive myself for not being on the ball with the others. Any chance you could take some time off work?

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks, Kamille. I think my first priority is to start eating again. I'm in a bad place on that front - I'm simply not getting enough calories into my system to sustain a base level of energy. Once I do that, I will work on getting exercise back into my life. I did take a walk yesterday with my sister, and I try to walk to/from work when I can. Unfortunately I probably couldn't run half a mile if my life depended on it, even though I ran a half marathon last fall!

 

And now, I have a word of pissed-offedness for eHarmony. They have a "marriage predictor" tool that told me I have only a 35% chance of getting married before I'm 65! Screw you, eHarmony people! What possible purpose does your stupid tool serve except to depress people?!?!

[Kamille]

And now, I have a word of pissed-offedness for eHarmony. They have a "marriage predictor" tool that told me I have only a 35% chance of getting married before I'm 65! Screw you, eHarmony people! What possible purpose does your stupid tool serve except to depress people?!?!

 

Sorry but that e-harmony thing is funny

 

I want to try it. Do you have to register to access the quiz?

[sunshinegirl]

Sorry but that e-harmony thing is funny

 

I want to try it. Do you have to register to access the quiz?

 

I don't think so - it's on this page: http://www.eharmony.com/labs/

 

But are you sure you want to depress yourself??? I mean, maybe you'll get 75% odds of marrying. But really, who wants to hear some anonymous fortune teller say that odds are against the thing happening that you really really want to have happen?

 

I registered yesterday, not because I am remotely ready to be dating, but because I wanted to test myself - which guys am I attracted to? Which ones am I rejecting out of hand?

[sb129]

Hey sunshinegirl, I have read the thread, and I am so sorry to hear about what happened. Your epiphany in your OP was brilliant, and then your ex turned out to be even MORE of a spineless little worm.

 

Your letter to him was OUTSTANDING. So dignified, yet razor sharp. Well done.

 

There have been some fabulous posts on this thread, and I don't really have much more to contribute, except that I am thinking of you, and big hugs to you.

 

You ARE fabulous, and please don't stop thinking that. Be glad you dodged a bullet with that messed up little weasel.

 

(I love the word weasel- I get to use it alot on here)

[Kamille]

I don't think so - it's on this page: http://www.eharmony.com/labs/

 

But are you sure you want to depress yourself??? I mean, maybe you'll get 75% odds of marrying. But really, who wants to hear some anonymous fortune teller say that odds are against the thing happening that you really really want to have happen?

 

I registered yesterday, not because I am remotely ready to be dating, but because I wanted to test myself - which guys am I attracted to? Which ones am I rejecting out of hand?

 

Thanks! I just think it's hilarious that a 5 question quiz exist for just such an occasion.

 

Anyways, I have a 58% chance of being married by 2012. But it's true that people still get married on the East Coast.

 

I might register too. Friends of mine are giving it a try and have met some interesting, if flaky, people.

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks! I just think it's hilarious that a 5 question quiz exist for just such an occasion.

 

Anyways, I have a 58% chance of being married by 2012. But it's true that people still get married on the East Coast.

 

I might register too. Friends of mine are giving it a try and have met some interesting, if flaky, people.

 

Wow - you have such better chances than me!! Do you think it's because of age, geography, or the 'things you are doing to meet someone'?

[sunshinegirl]

Hey sunshinegirl, I have read the thread, and I am so sorry to hear about what happened. Your epiphany in your OP was brilliant, and then your ex turned out to be even MORE of a spineless little worm.

 

Your letter to him was OUTSTANDING. So dignified, yet razor sharp. Well done.

 

There have been some fabulous posts on this thread, and I don't really have much more to contribute, except that I am thinking of you, and big hugs to you.

 

You ARE fabulous, and please don't stop thinking that. Be glad you dodged a bullet with that messed up little weasel.

 

(I love the word weasel- I get to use it alot on here)

 

Thanks so much, sb. It means a lot to have you drop in here - you always offer such a grounded and helpful perspective.

 

Messed up little weasel - ha, I like it.

[Kamille]

Wow - you have such better chances than me!! Do you think it's because of age, geography, or the 'things you are doing to meet someone'?

 

I'm thinking it's probably the things I do to meet someone (nearly had them all checked) and geography. I think we're about the same age (I'm 32).

 

I love meeting people but I'm a terrible flirt... I'm really goofy. so that would probably drop my percentage to 30%.

[Zapbasket]

Apparently I'm 55% likely to get married on July 15, 2012 . My take is that this "means" that my current guy is not going to be The One so we're going to break up in the next 6mo-1yr, and then I'm going to date around a bit, and then I AM going to meet The One around end of '09 / beginning of '10. I'd sure like to see the algorithms that turned my answers to those five little questions into this result! Bah--what do statistics possibly know about the human heart, anyway

 

A friend of mine opines that dating is to healthy romance like barbells/pilates/etc. are to a healthy body. I scoffed at the idea initially, but now I'm inclined to believe she's right. In addition to building confidence, I think it also helps to hone discernment. Plus, it's so dang fun.... I hope you (Sunshinegirl) and Kamille will post about all your online dating adventures!

[sunshinegirl]

Apparently I'm 55% likely to get married on July 15, 2012 . My take is that this "means" that my current guy is not going to be The One so we're going to break up in the next 6mo-1yr, and then I'm going to date around a bit, and then I AM going to meet The One around end of '09 / beginning of '10. I'd sure like to see the algorithms that turned my answers to those five little questions into this result! Bah--what do statistics possibly know about the human heart, anyway

 

A friend of mine opines that dating is to healthy romance like barbells/pilates/etc. are to a healthy body. I scoffed at the idea initially, but now I'm inclined to believe she's right. In addition to building confidence, I think it also helps to hone discernment. Plus, it's so dang fun.... I hope you (Sunshinegirl) and Kamille will post about all your online dating adventures!

 

Oh god, I'm so not ready for that.

 

But I now think that clock thing is total bull****. I went and unchecked EVERY method for meeting someone (I had previously checked most of them) - so I checked "not looking for a mate right now" and my chances of getting married by 2013 stayed exactly the same.

[Kamille]

Oh god, I'm so not ready for that.

 

But I now think that clock thing is total bull****. I went and unchecked EVERY method for meeting someone (I had previously checked most of them) - so I checked "not looking for a mate right now" and my chances of getting married by 2013 stayed exactly the same.

 

The site probably registered your IP address... I'll go try mine with different data.

[Zapbasket]

I'm officially going insane. As much as I know I need to redirect my thoughts away from stupid ex and his new girlfriend, I am struggling big time to do it.

 

I know this is my big chance to work on myself, create a whole new life, and be open and ready for the right guy to walk through the door. Cognitively, I know this. I do. I settled for icing when what I really need is the cake. He is unlikely to change his stripes without serious work - the kind of work I myself am embarking on and which is so, so hard.

 

But I am truly insane because thoughts about who this woman is keep intruding in my thoughts. I know she's 36, I know she's 'attractive', I know she works at his office. The thought suddenly occurred to me that maybe she too is divorced, perhaps was even cheated on, and now they have formed some special bond over that and he's opening up to her about all of his pain/thoughts/dreams, blah blah blah. I am crazy, this is crazy, it shouldn't matter. I am still stuck in the doom loop of comparison, and convinced I was unworthy of his love. When really, he was unworthy of MY love!!

 

My friend remarked last night that had I randomly met him online or at a bar, I probably would have gone out with him a couple of times and then written him off because his conversational skills were so lackluster. But because he is Ken-doll good looking ("he was too polished and his teeth are too white" the friend said) and athletic and standoffish/wounded, and a close friend of someone whose judgment I trust, I was drawn to him like to the flame.

 

So, again, the quality or depth of his new relationship should not matter. It does not change the fact that he was no good for ME. I keep telling myself that, but it's not sticking. It's just not sticking. I am still idealizing him at some level.

 

And I am emotionally exhausted - I still can't focus at work, clean up my apartment, eat, or exercise. As I mentioned earlier, my dad came to my therapy session yesterday. It was good/hard/weird but oh so exhausting. I feel like I have a therapy hangover today...AND I am stuck in these crappy loops of him and the stupid new girl.

 

Okay. I just needed to get that out there. I know it must be tiring to read people getting stuck in the same stupid distorted thinking patterns. I am doubling up on therapy this week - second appt for the week is Thursday.

 

If he was ever worthy, eventually the way he treated you will catch up with him. It will gnaw at him along with all the other things he has avoided until it chews its way through whatever kind of relationship he has with the office hooch. If he fancies that any woman will magically be able to palliate his emotional hang-ups, he will never have a successful relationship because NO relationship can be a palliative the way honest work on oneself, independently, can.

 

When I was in the throes of desperation last year, I concentrated only on showing up for work, and concentrating hard there. The surrounding hours were filled with tears, circuitous, depressing thoughts, and insomnia. I let my apartment go and focused only on work and then, spending time with friends and then, meeting people and then, exercising. One thing at a time, like Kamille suggested. Don't be hard on yourself for being unable to concentrate on things right now. Baby steps

[Kamille]

I changed everything, and still got exactly the same stat. My guess is they registered the IP address.

[sunshinegirl]

I get different stats if I change my age, though.

[sunshinegirl]

If he was ever worthy, eventually the way he treated you will catch up with him. It will gnaw at him along with all the other things he has avoided until it chews its way through whatever kind of relationship he has with the office hooch. If he fancies that any woman will magically be able to palliate his emotional hang-ups, he will never have a successful relationship because NO relationship can be a palliative the way honest work on oneself, independently, can.

 

When I was in the throes of desperation last year, I concentrated only on showing up for work, and concentrating hard there. The surrounding hours were filled with tears, circuitous, depressing thoughts, and insomnia. I let my apartment go and focused only on work and then, spending time with friends and then, meeting people and then, exercising. One thing at a time, like Kamille suggested. Don't be hard on yourself for being unable to concentrate on things right now. Baby steps

 

Thank you, GC. I am now questioning whether he was ever worthy. Anything hurtful seems to get shoved away, never to be dealt with directly. My sister was of the view that even if he's in therapy now, she's not that hopeful because his underlying attitude doesn't seem to be one of self-discovery. His attitude sounded more like "fix me so I can move on".

 

And today I just remembered more things that should have been bigger flags: he was totally happy, from the first day, having me sleep over when his daughter was visiting. *I* am the one who resisted and didn't sleep over for 3 months - I was telling him he should be careful about his daughter and not expose her to too much too soon. But he was of the view that she was quite "mature" (for a 5 year old!!!) and that she was handling the divorce 'like a champ.' I remember, at the time, thinking - whoa, that's a really uninformed and, frankly, risky attitude. She's not a mini-grown-up...and her trauma will come out eventually even if it hasn't yet. i say all that to remind myself that he just brought such a low level of emotional sophistication or even knowledge to the table. The other thing I remembered was that early on he said one night that I should watch out because he usually goes 'all in' to his relationships. I remember pulling back a little bit internally because I wasn't quite sure about him yet. But again, another sign of emotional recklessness.

 

AND, he goes from relationship to relationship. He meets women who are within easy proximity. His HS girlfriend was a classmate; his wife was a friend-of-a-friend in college; I was a friend-of-a-friend; the hooch is at his office every day. And so far, none of those relationships has worked out for him! HA. He seems to choose based on proximity and chemistry.

 

***sigh***

 

All that being said, it sure would be nice to see this relationship blow up on him, causing him to do some serious introspection, and one day offer me a genuine apology for his behavior. I ain't holdin' my breath, but a girl can dream, right?

 

On another note, I am thinking of throwing myself a "starting over" party with all my girlfriends, to have them help me brainstorm all the amazing wonderful things I am going to add or bring back to my life, and then helping to hold me accountable to doing them (ie doing them WITH me, holding my hand when I need it, etc, so I can't as easily flake out).

[Kamille]

I get different stats if I change my age, though.

 

I changed my age to 22 and got 106% chance of being married by 20/08/17.

 

So I think we found the quiz's deciding factor.

[Kamille]

On another note, I am thinking of throwing myself a "starting over" party with all my girlfriends, to have them help me brainstorm all the amazing wonderful things I am going to add or bring back to my life, and then helping to hold me accountable to doing them (ie doing them WITH me, holding my hand when I need it, etc, so I can't as easily flake out).

 

What a great idea SSG!

[sunshinegirl]

I changed my age to 22 and got 106% chance of being married by 20/08/17.

 

So I think we found the quiz's deciding factor.

 

Which makes me feel better. Jeez. What a stupid quiz - as though age is the only factor that matters. I may be 34 but I look like I'm in my twenties, and I have a lot of marriage-worthy qualities. I could probably get a better prediction from a tarot card reading.

[Zapbasket]

All that being said, it sure would be nice to see this relationship blow up on him, causing him to do some serious introspection, and one day offer me a genuine apology for his behavior. I ain't holdin' my breath, but a girl can dream, right?

 

I LOVE the idea of a starting over party. A great way to open your heart to the future while you mourn the past.

 

I totally feel you re: wishing for some kind of apology, an acknowledgement of what you had together. Something that doesn't make you feel...discarded. I still wish for that from my ex. But you know, a few weeks ago I asked myself what difference, really, it would make if he contacted me to tell me he was sorry for how he ended things, and his cold words and heaping all the blame on me. It would make me sad, first and foremost, and really I don't want to drop down into that pit of sadness again. And it would do nothing to negate the pain I felt the past year, and nothing to cancel the necessity that I move on and leave him in the past. Every day my 'spinerets' are working whether I'm aware of it or not, weaving new hopes, attachments, routes into the future...and eventually I'll truly arrive at a place where I feel I need nothing whatsoever from him. I'll always have a place for him in my heart, but my love will be exercised and reciprocated in the present, in new friendships, new romance, and a wiser me. And I can always take solace in knowing that it was not I who severed all connection, he did that; he wielded that power. I simply adapted.

[sunshinegirl]

Is it strange that I haven't cried all that much over this breakup? I mean, I've cried, yes, but it's nothing like the tears that flowed after previous breakups. I don't know if it's because I'm too angry, numb, tired, ???

 

Sometimes I wish for the release of tears. And weirdly I just had a jolt of disbelief, like 'no, this didn't really happen. he'll be here soon for dinner'. And then a pathetic thought of dammit, I'm sitting here on my couch watching TV and being sad while he's at the climbing gym/screwing the hooch/taking her to dinner. UGH.