epiphany?

[Kamille]

Is it strange that I haven't cried all that much over this breakup? I mean, I've cried, yes, but it's nothing like the tears that flowed after previous breakups. I don't know if it's because I'm too angry, numb, tired, ???

 

Sometimes I wish for the release of tears. And weirdly I just had a jolt of disbelief, like 'no, this didn't really happen. he'll be here soon for dinner'. And then a pathetic thought of dammit, I'm sitting here on my couch watching TV and being sad while he's at the climbing gym/screwing the hooch/taking her to dinner. UGH.

 

Perhaps deep down you miss having him around but don't feel you can allow yourself to miss him because of the way he ended things.

 

SSG, I know one day you will find a way to forgive him - a way to redeem what those two years meant to YOU. That is what you lost after all - all the care and love you gave in that relationship.

 

You still own that love. That was you. He simply couldn't live up to it.

[sunshinegirl]

Perhaps deep down you miss having him around but don't feel you can allow yourself to miss him because of the way he ended things.

 

SSG, I know one day you will find a way to forgive him - a way to redeem what those two years meant to YOU. That is what you lost after all - all the care and love you gave in that relationship.

 

You still own that love. That was you. He simply couldn't live up to it.

 

Thank you for this.

[sunshinegirl]

I've been proud of myself today. I've met some (admittedly small) goals for the day: getting some calories in my body, and working on an article that I've put off for the last 3 weeks.

 

BUT I am having a bad moment. Some girlfriends at work and I were discussing men and my ex's general crappiness, when one of them said she saw him out running by the river the other day. She wanted to throw a rock at him but was too far away.

 

The bad moment? Realizing that he's actually alive and off living his life, without me, and with the hooch. It would be so much easier if he was just...dead. Gone altogether.

 

I was IM chatting with a friend today, commenting on how I wish I had a voodoo doll, to stab him in the balls. She said he is his own voodoo: "his voodoo is that he can't communicate, he should NOT be in a relationship and he's dooming someone else (and himself) to heartbreak already! he's in plenty of his own trouble, i wouldn't worry about him going off to live an idyllic life."

 

As much as I try to remember this, it is so hard to do!!!!

[sunshinegirl]

OH, by the way, there is a mad little part of my brain that wonders if it would help me process/slam the door shut, way shut, to talk to his ex-wife.

 

Oy. Very weird and probably inappropriate thing to do. But I will be in her city in a couple of weeks and part of me just wishes for some real validation of what it would have been like to be married to him. Hell, she lived it for a dozen years.

[Nevermind]

If you feel like it, go for it. Did you break up the marriage? If she sees you as the reason the talk won't be nice or helpful. If not, it might actually help

.

[sunshinegirl]

If you feel like it, go for it. Did you break up the marriage? If she sees you as the reason the talk won't be nice or helpful. If not, it might actually help

.

 

Heck no, I didn't break up the marriage. She cheated on him and left him for someone else. I wasn't on the scene until they'd been separated for a year.

[sunshinegirl]

I can probably answer my own thought/question... I run a very big risk of looking like a psycho ex if I contact his ex-wife.

 

My purpose would be to really help *me* to move on, not to interfere in his life... but it would surely get back to him and just make me look desperate and conniving. Ew.

 

On a different note, my dad called me today...just to talk. That has almost never happened before and it's a direct result of him having come to my counseling session Monday. I hope it's something we keep up. I think it's the connection with my dad that has been missing for so long, so hopefully if I heal up that wound/gap, it will make it easier for me to be attracted to healthier men.

[LikeCharlotte]

OH, by the way, there is a mad little part of my brain that wonders if it would help me process/slam the door shut, way shut, to talk to his ex-wife.

 

Oy. Very weird and probably inappropriate thing to do. But I will be in her city in a couple of weeks and part of me just wishes for some real validation of what it would have been like to be married to him. Hell, she lived it for a dozen years.

I know how you feel but she really has moved on and you should allow her her comfort. She doesn't need to deal with his problems once he is out of her life. Think of her because he never did. Let her live without having too revisit her own pain.

I know you mean her no harm but you are better off dealing with it on your own. You know that if anything he was worse with her.

[sunshinegirl]

I know how you feel but she really has moved on and you should allow her her comfort. She doesn't need to deal with his problems once he is out of her life. Think of her because he never did. Let her live without having too revisit her own pain.

I know you mean her no harm but you are better off dealing with it on your own. You know that if anything he was worse with her.

 

Honestly, I never thought of it from that angle. They are in touch almost every day because of their daughter...and she is getting remarried in two weeks. I never thought of it as reopening wounds she'd rather leave behind.

[Kamille]

On a different note, my dad called me today...just to talk. That has almost never happened before and it's a direct result of him having come to my counseling session Monday. I hope it's something we keep up. I think it's the connection with my dad that has been missing for so long, so hopefully if I heal up that wound/gap, it will make it easier for me to be attracted to healthier men.

 

that's sweet!

 

I discovered last year that my dad, even though always a bit remote in my life,gives the best relationship advice. You might want to give that a try. With my dad it always involves summing up my problem in one sentence. (No running on and on or show of emotion). Then he will give me his advice in one sentence - and it's usually bang on.

 

And I'd be curious to know how that therapy session went.

 

re: contacting ex-wife, no opinion.

 

re: seeking answers: perfectly understand the restlessness behind. But those are precisely the kind of answers that elude you when you go out seeking them. Usually, giving yourself time to heal is the only real answer.

[sunshinegirl]

And I'd be curious to know how that therapy session went.

 

My counselor started by asking dad to recount his history/family/relationships from as far back as he could remember. In that process, I learned that there is *all kinds of crazy* in my grandmother's family. She had something like a dozen siblings. One was paralyzed and in a wheelchair her whole life; one was institutionalized and got electroshock therapy along the way, he then went on to kill himself; another brother killed himself; the youngest sibling was a raging alcoholic whose kids were given away to some foster family so my dad never saw those cousins again. Similar kookiness on my grandfather's side...one of dad's cousins married, had a few kids, then just walked away from the family. She was institutionalized for a time, I think, but then lived out her life by herself.

 

I just had no idea there was so much dysfunction and illness in the extended family. I am amazed that I have only inherited a mild tendency toward depression - I should be singing hallelujah!

 

We talked about a whole bunch of other stuff, especially around how our family interacts and why I have such a different relationship with my parents than my sisters do. Lots of reasons, I guess, but the ones that stand out are the periods where my dad was physically away for work - before I was 3 years old, and then in my junior high years (which were VERY hard for me). I wasn't the most pleasant of teens, I might add, so the distance between us only grew. I then came to resent it when my dad kept pushing me to go to law school even when I made it clear I didn't want to go...and that set in motion a whole pattern of feeling like my parents don't approve of anything I do in life even though I'm a very accomplished, well educated, kind, decent person. M o r e d i s t a n c e.

 

Apparently my parents noticed I've been picking unavailable men so then we talked about what that's all about, and I broke down crying asking why everyone leaves me and what's wrong with me that no one wants to stay with me. Ugh, that was awful but dayam it's kind of at the root of things.

 

I have another appointment tomorrow to rehash Monday's session. I really felt overwhelmed from that session for several days...only now does the 'therapy hangover' seem to be lifting a bit.

 

But - crap - even though I am feeling kind of strong and good tonight, I just had a flash, a pang, of missing the evening routine at the ex's place. Of missing the life we had started to create together. Crap crap crap crap.

 

Maybe it helps to remember that I would never be able to have a satisfying conversation with him about anything that I've posted just now. He might nod and ask a couple of questions, but there would be absolutely zero reciprocity or self-disclosure or self-reflection of how his own familial relationships have shaped him. Zero give and take, back and forth, "I share about me and then you relate back to it and share something about you". And maybe that is what I need to focus on. Evening routine or not, we would have become silent partners to each other in time - my god, which is exactly what happened with his ex-wife.

[CaliGuy]

I think I'm getting repetitive here and have probably said this on someone else's thread - forgive me if so.

 

But when I get really honest with myself, I never quite felt right in my gut when I thought about, or talked about, marrying my ex. Something was off but I couldn't quite name it. I had started dreaming about our wedding but somewhere in my head I knew that at my own wedding shower I would have been harboring doubts about whether it was the right thing to do to marry him.

 

This is huge, isn't it? This is the thing that can help me move on the fastest, right? He may have beat me to the breaking up part, but eventually we would have had to face the sad truth that we weren't right for each other. And maybe I would have had to break things off instead.

 

In other words, he's really not 'the one that got away.' I was having doubts myself; I just wasn't willing to entertain them.

 

The one that got away was merely the one that was IN the way of you meeting Mr. Right.

 

Always remember that.

[sb129]

The one that got away was merely the one that was IN the way of you meeting Mr. Right.

 

Always remember that.

 

Oh CaliGuy, you always say the most wonderful things.

 

This is so true- its how I felt when I finally met Wonderboy.

[sunshinegirl]

I feel really irritated right now that on another message board I got the "he just wasn't that into you" response.

 

Maybe my ego is too fragile to hear this right now. Maybe in a year I'll agree... but right now I feel really defensive. Why did he bring up moving in together if he wasn't that into me? Why was he so steadfast in his time/attention for so long if he wasn't that into me? Why did he openly integrate me into his life and family if he wasn't that into me?

 

Grrr.

[Nevermind]

There was a poster here who said that phrase very frequently. She doesn't post here anymore, but I guess the likes are to be found everywhere.

Whenever she wrote it, I felt that it was actually something she should be saying to herself, yet in her own situations she would never apply that logic.

 

I think that saying this to someone who just recently had his heart broken shows lack of empathy and understanding. Plus, those people don't know you or him, they can never be completely right in their judgement.

 

Maybe in a year, when all is past and gone, you will think the same. But that's a different story.

 

Don't worry about those people.

[Kamille]

What amuses me most about the "into you people" is that they're usually single when they dish out that advice. They're the "professional singles". Basically, I think there is a point in the dating process where you have to make sure the other is "into you", but it doesn't apply to relationships. At one point, a relationship becomes less of a war of egos (is he into me, isn't he) and more deciding to be together and making the effort to make the relationship work. My ex was into me. Sadly, he didn't see how the relationship could work.

[LikeCharlotte]

I feel really irritated right now that on another message board I got the "he just wasn't that into you" response.

 

Maybe my ego is too fragile to hear this right now. Maybe in a year I'll agree... but right now I feel really defensive. Why did he bring up moving in together if he wasn't that into me? Why was he so steadfast in his time/attention for so long if he wasn't that into me? Why did he openly integrate me into his life and family if he wasn't that into me?

 

Grrr.

What an idiot!

 

There are lots of people who think that relationships are black and white. I think thats how "runners" are made. They have ideas about the way things "should be". Anyone who can not see the organic living beauty of love will never get it.

 

I hope you never agree with that statement. You know the truth. You are strong and you are taking it in and taking it on. In the end you will be better for your honest efforts.

[LikeCharlotte]

At one point, a relationship becomes less of a war of egos (is he into me, isn't he) and more deciding to be together and making the effort to make the relationship work. My ex was into me. Sadly, he didn't see how the relationship could work.

Isn't it great to see things clearly and not fill your head with lies. Its so refreshing. Kamille, you are a breath of fresh air!

[sb129]

I feel really irritated right now that on another message board I got the "he just wasn't that into you" response.

 

Well that serves you right for cheating on us with another message board.

 

We're all you need SSG! I will NEVER use that phrase, I can't STAND it.

 

I remember that poster, she was irritating.

[CaliGuy]

Oh CaliGuy, you always say the most wonderful things.

 

This is so true- its how I felt when I finally met Wonderboy.

 

Thanks. Now if you can point Ms. Right in my direction, I'd appreciate it

[sunshinegirl]

Well that serves you right for cheating on us with another message board.

 

We're all you need SSG! I will NEVER use that phrase, I can't STAND it.

 

I remember that poster, she was irritating.

 

Ha ha. You're right, nothing compares to LS.

 

I am going out of my mind tonight. I had a counseling session today and there are just so many streams of thought going on for me that I feel totally overwhelmed. Stuff with my parents, and feeling rejected again by stupid E., EVEN THOUGH I started this whole thread with the realization that he wasn't right for me. Wishing terrible karma on him, and unhappiness, and hoping the office hooch doesn't work out, and feeling sick at the thought that I am always going to be attracted to the mysterious, wounded, challenging men...and feeling unworthy and like a big screwup for not being able to attract the right men (what is WRONG with me??).

 

My two closest friends, and my sister, the poor things must be tearing their hair out at how much I am obsessing. Well, actually, my one really really close friend has been out of town for a week, and the other one, the one that's married to E's best friend, well, I don't want to bug her too much or make her want to avoid me because all I can think about right now is him, and what I did wrong and what's wrong with me and why does he get to waltz off into the happy stupid sunset? And why is this the loop I always get stuck in, anyway? And how come the healthy dude matches on eHarmony aren't writing me right away - isn't it obvious what a supremely awesome catch I am??? Dammit. So I'm bottling a lot up right now and feeling like crap and I haven't done laundry in 3 weeks and I have jury duty tomorrow.

[sunshinegirl]

I think I'm learning how to self-soothe on this thread. (echo? echo?)

 

I talked to my mom tonight. Finally told her all the details of our relationship and my anxiety about his new relationship, etc. By the time I finished describing what it was like between us, she summarized it all by saying "it sounds like Eric was all about Eric."

 

And now that I reflect on it, that's not the worst description in the world. He *did* nice things for me, but he was never able to put himself in my shoes, or in anyone else's shoes. It's like he knows the right things one "should" do as a loyal friend or loyal boyfriend, but the passion and desire to do it, from the heart, doesn't seem to exist. Nor does the ability to really relate to, or empathize with, others.

 

Self-soothe. Self-soothe. Self-soothe.

[sunshinegirl]

I have had a reasonably good couple of days this week, which is making me think I might, just possibly, be emerging from the acute "immediate aftermath phase" of the breakup. Tomorrow marks 1 month since he dumped me. Since that time I have barely been able to eat (and am wasting away as a result), think about ANYTHING other than the breakup, or do anything else to take care of myself.

 

However, in the last few days I have:

 

...started eating again (I had a real breakfast and real lunch today - a first!)

 

...finally done some laundry

 

...put clean sheets on my bed

 

...gone out for margaritas and guacamole with a girlfriend

 

...had a few conversations where the main topic WASN'T my breakup

 

...gotten a complete makeover a la Bobbi Brown (today)

 

...started reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle

 

...started seriously addressing my family of origin issues with my counselor

 

...and, started planning my "New Start" party next Friday.

 

To be sure, I still get wracked with "I miss him" feelings. I still want his stupid new relationship to fail. I still want to believe he is broken and incapable of having an intimate relationship (in fact, my latest theory is that he may have had a traumatic event happen in his childhood that created his extreme emotional detachment / walls). I keep needing to remind myself of why I dodged a bullet, why he's not the one that got away, why he would have made me miserable in the long run. I don't yet in my heart of hearts believe "better a breakup than a divorce". I hope to get there, though.

 

So I'm not healed yet - I still care and think too much about him. And, obviously, I am nowhere near ready to date again.

 

BUT I do seem to be making progress. Tomorrow I plan to go to church (for the first time in over two years), and I hope to go for a jog with a friend, thus marking my return to the exercise world that I love so much - blading, yoga, rock climbing, running, etc.

[Nevermind]

sunshinegirl: That's great.

 

Your post feels as if the clouds are about to go and the sun is coming out again.

 

You're on the right track. I am happy for you. Have a bunny for your party:

[sunshinegirl]

Oh, thank you NM. I so wish it was a linear, up up up process!!!

 

Unfortunately last night I completely broke down and cried for the first time in over a week. I was missing the sex. He was my first sex partner (yes, I'm 34) and he told me I was mindblowing, phenomenal, the best sex of his life. I got upset last night thinking about him having sex with the hooch.

 

I'm a little better today, trying to focus focus focus on how uninterested he is in other people's lives, other people's opinions. He was fond of saying "the people are stupid" or "the voters are stupid" or "Republicans are stupid" which he would later claim was just a joke but really should have been a big sign to me that he sees himself as superior to others and isn't fundamentally interested in other peoples' views or experiences. I am trying to remember MY OWN THOUGHTS while we were still together, that I thought I was going to eventually get bored with him. That it would hurt, over time, that he was so fundamentally uninterested in ME and my life and passions and opinions. For heaven's sake, I have worked with Mother Teresa's nuns in Calcutta, traveled to Iran, and have all kinds of opinions and thoughts about international relations, pop culture, the value of volunteering/contributing to broader society, among many other things. Did he EVER ask about those experiences and views? I'm having trouble recalling any conversations where he simply wanted to learn more about me. His PARENTS asked me about all those experiences - they wanted to get to know me. But him? Not so much. In fact, he would often leave the room (ostensibly to cook or get people drinks) when conversation turned to more meaningful topics. Everyone in my life who met him or spent time with him has commented on how hard it was to engage him in conversation. He just doesn't do verbal 'give and take' very well - he sucks at asking questions or being genuinely curious about anything but a small band of people and topics. And I don't understand why that was okay by me for so long.

 

So I am trying trying trying to remember that phenomenal sex, gourmet meals, and a reliable climbing partner do not a life partner make.

 

And that he can probably only make the office hooch happy if she is a fundamentally flat, boring person and/or has NO NEED for her man to exhibit interest and emotional investment in her as a person.