epiphany?

[LikeCharlotte]

So I am trying trying trying to remember that phenomenal sex, gourmet meals, and a reliable climbing partner do not a life partner make.

You want more and you will get it. You've got me thinking that I might want to add to my list of things I contribute to a relationship. I know I've got the phenomenal sex and gourmet meals down but maybe I should learn to climb.

[sunshinegirl]

I feel like I am in a therapy hangover. I had drinks and long conversation with a close friend last night, who worked through her own personal demons in therapy and was able to change her patterns of picking men... a few months later she met her now-husband.

 

She is of the view that my ex gave me a great gift: that I am now finally seeing MY patterns and that I am willing to do the heavy lifting of figuring myself out, fixing my relationship with my dad, and making better choices for myself in the future.

 

As I talked, she said "you know, I think you don't actually miss Eric, you miss the LIFESTYLE you had with him. If you could have the lifestyle back, you wouldn't care as much whether he was part of it or not." I am sorting through how true that is...a lot of it does ring true.

 

Yet It's so hard to take all of that in, and process it, when I still feel consumed by him being with the hooch. By his utter rejection and betrayal.

 

When I look at photos of us together, he never actually looks deeply happy. His eyes are empty...there's no real warmth in them. We went on a trip to California together in the early months of our relationship. It was arguably one of the happiest times we had together...yet even in those photos he really doesn't look like a very happy man. Like he's bottled up, uncomfortable. Something. Same thing with our trip to South Africa last fall. We both said what an amazing trip it was...yet he is distant in our photos. I look happy but he looks...not 100% present.

 

Which on the one hand was comforting in the sense that it means he was always that way with me...it didn't suddenly degenerate at the end. On the other hand, it's incredibly depressing because: why didn't I see it at the time? Why couldn't I step back and realize I was, even then, only getting crumbs from him?

 

Then I suddenly remembered the half-marathon we ran together last fall. He finished half an hour before I did, but he wasn't at the finish line to cheer me on when I finished. It took me a few minutes to find him afterwards, and he just nonchalantly said "oh hi - hey, you finished already! good job." I squelched my disappointment that he hadn't cheered me on, but now I think it was such a sign of his non-support and disinterest in other people. For his part, he won 3rd place for his age bracket, and I was really proud of him and let him know. Me? He just wasn't all that excited for me - or if he was, he didn't make a point of demonstrating or showing it.

 

What is wrong with me that I accepted this for so long? How on earth did I convince myself I could thrive in a relationship where I got so little empathy, support, and focused attention from him?

 

And, again, is the hooch getting the enthusiasm, support, caring, that I never got? Maybe he was just in the post-divorce fog with me; I was just the transitional girl while he sorted his crap out.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You know, most people don’t even realize how bad their situations are while they’re living them. It isn’t until you’ve gotten some distance and clarity that you look back and say: “Holy crap, that was just awful. How on earth did I ever get through all of that?!?!” And it’s at that point you begin to realize just how strong you are in spite of all your perceived weaknesses.

 

Things always seem much clearer in retrospect, Sunshine. That’s just the way it is. Love and hope has a way of anesthetizing us from the more harsher truths of our reality ... I think as a means to safeguard our hearts and sanity.

 

I really admire the kind, compassionate and courageous woman you are. Which is why it feels so uncomfortable to read your threads while you punish and blame yourself for someone else’s inability to return the same in kind. While I agree you could use some tweaking in regard to what you will or will not accept from your relationship partners in the future ... please do not allow that to change your gentle nature and who you are at the core of it all.

 

Please, please, please ...

[sunshinegirl]

You know, most people don’t even realize how bad their situations are while they’re living them. It isn’t until you’ve gotten some distance and clarity that you look back and say: “Holy crap, that was just awful. How on earth did I ever get through all of that?!?!” And it’s at that point you begin to realize just how strong you are in spite of all your perceived weaknesses.

 

Things always seem much clearer in retrospect, Sunshine. That’s just the way it is. Love and hope has a way of anesthetizing us from the more harsher truths of our reality ... I think as a means to safeguard our hearts and sanity.

 

I really admire the kind, compassionate and courageous woman you are. Which is why it feels so uncomfortable to read your threads while you punish and blame yourself for someone else’s inability to return the same in kind. While I agree you could use some tweaking in regard to what you will or will not accept from your relationship partners in the future ... please do not allow that to change your gentle nature and who you are at the core of it all.

 

Please, please, please ...

 

Enigma, thank you. That means a lot to me.

 

I feel like I have lost touch with my core, my identity, the precious things that I value most in me and those around me. It's happened in part because of the breakup, but it was also starting to happen within the relationship. I was settling for whatever he wanted and could give me because there was enough goodness to our relationship that I wanted to keep it at any cost. I did love lots of things about our life together and I am so, so sad to have lost those.

 

But then, I have these fleeting moments of sanity of realizing I settled for so much less than I deserved, that I settled for a man who doesn't meet some of my most basic requirements in a mate. The fleeting moment vanishes though, usually before I can anchor myself to it and realize that if any of my girlfriends had dated him, I would have sung hallelujah on their behalf had they broken up. But because it's me, I lose my center and my confidence and my groundedness and all I can think of is how I must not have measured up somehow - I was too this, not enough of that. I can't seem to stay centered on how crappy HIS character was, that he dumped me not once but twice and never ever communicated enough of what was going on with him internally and then CHEATED on me. I can't seem to stay focused on him being a cheater. He justified it, downplayed it, brushed it off. I can't seem to stay focused on the fact that what he did is a reflection of his character, not mine.

 

That his karma is simply that he has to be him, forever. With a broken marriage whose demise he doesn't seem to fully comprehend, a badly broken relationship and bridge that he'll never have again thanks to his cheating, another (likely rebound) relationship that started with lying and deception, and a complete inability to let people in. His walls are likely to always be high.

 

So how come reading that paragraph still doesn't bring me deep peace and an ability to close the door and move forward?

[sunshinegirl]

I ran into an acquaintance today, a woman I've always really enjoyed. She and her boyfriend are just great people - both very interesting, fun, well-traveled, sincere and compassionate toward others, and both with careers dedicated to the 'helping' fields. Salt of the earth type people.

 

My ex knew her. I also know my ex had no appreciation of what special people she and her SO are - no admiration or interest in their lives or what they do, or their spirit of volunteerism and caring.

 

They are, incidentally, one of the couples I sometimes felt envious of for their emotional depth and connection.

 

So anyway, I was chatting with her and this thought crossed my mind that I no longer have to worry and wonder why my ex can't appreciate people like them. And that I pride myself on appreciating good people, of seeing the good in them and trying to grow and be inspired by such people.

 

My ex is a cynical person who has literally said he doesn't care about people. He is cynical. He never understood why I liked contributing on Loveshack - why care about people you don't know? I think he'd even said I was a better person than him at one or more points in our relationship. Thing is, I never wanted to believe him or take him at face value.

 

But now I don't have to face having such a small, self-absorbed life with him, where we would have had a self-indulgent and ultimately small, limited - indeed, boring - life together. I love climbing and good food and wine and company and travel, but to me there is more to life than that. More to discover, bigger causes to contribute to, deeper meaning than what's on the surface. My ex never cared about any of that stuff.

 

I'm not especially religious anymore, but I have decades of life lived in a church/faith setting and it's been incredibly formative and important to me. I still value a lot of the spiritual aspects of my background, and want to live a life that honors other people and contributes good back to the world. My ex? About as atheist as they come. He has very little interest (read: none) in anything spiritual, and he ridicules religious people on a semi-regular basis (though would claim he was 'joking' if I called him on it later). To him, life is entirely what you see, touch, hear, feel, smell.

 

Gosh, what a small-minded man! What a closed-off existence! Not only is he not connected to his own feelings, but he can't connect to any causes or beliefs larger than himself. He paid lip service to respecting my views, but man, I wonder over the longer term how that would have worked out. I would have probably felt overlooked, ignored, not supported, and ultimately resentful that he wasn't enthusiastic about volunteering and/or contributing money to important causes.

 

I feel better right now. Maybe I will go for a jog.

 

ETA: I did go for a jog. It was good to force myself to get some exercise. Also talked with my housemate who never thought much of the ex. Who sees him as uninteresting, flat, and socially awkward. Said he is likely to end up with a vacuous woman because he lacks any depth himself. His "too-white" teeth have always bothered her, too. Like he was too good looking, too polished, to be trusted.

[sunshinegirl]

I had my New Start party last night. 6 girlfriends and my sister came. We had Chinese food, wine, beer, cosmos, cannoli, chocolate, and conversation. They were so good to me, affirming how much they love me and how glad *they* are that this relationship didn't work out. I recorded their comments about him, us together, and me so that when I find myself in the troughs of sadness, anxiety, jealousy, I can play their words back and hopefully find my center again.

 

They were wonderful, no doubt. The evening must have been emotionally taxing, though, because I cried myself to sleep and woke up this morning, in typical fashion, thinking about him with the hooch and the fact that he's leaving today for his big rock climbing trip in Yosemite -- more "him waltzing off into happy new life without me" stuff. But then I tried to focus on the fact that his ex is getting remarried today which (1) felt kind of encouraging that someone who lived with him for 12 years has found happiness with someone new; and (2) there is no way he is not disturbed, at some level, by her new marriage which means he is not experiencing unfettered happiness even if it may seem that way.

 

My friends emphasized that I need to start shifting my thoughts and attention to ME. Not him and his life. I want to get to that place, but it's not as easy as flipping a switch. I am not sure when my rabid karma/revenge/justice wishes will fade away. I said last night that I hope he's unhappy for years to come...my friends chided me with "come on, you won't feel that way in a year's time." Maybe not, but I do feel it right now and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

[0hpenelope]

My friends emphasized that I need to start shifting my thoughts and attention to ME. Not him and his life. I want to get to that place, but it's not as easy as flipping a switch. I am not sure when my rabid karma/revenge/justice wishes will fade away. I said last night that I hope he's unhappy for years to come...my friends chided me with "come on, you won't feel that way in a year's time." Maybe not, but I do feel it right now and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

 

It took me a while to get to that place too. It's uh... trying to jog up a really tall hill, but when I got to the top of the hill it was worth the burn in my calf muscles.

 

I think it's quite ok to feel that way, too, about vengefulness and all that. But it doesn't do good to nurture the feelings, do you know what I mean? I mean, you think about this guy and you go "Oh yeah. May he rot in garbage." But when you're not thinking about him or you're not reminded of him, then you're not feeding the bad feelings. He's not worth it at all.

 

Yeah, you'll get to the point where he doesn't even deserve the energy it takes to think about karmic revenge on. Because they really don't. Exes deserve nothing of us the moment they let us go. My break-up reminded me of that lesson - and what a painful reminder it was, too.

[sb129]

SSG,

 

You sound like someone I would LOVE to get to know. How amazing it is that you have done all those things.

 

Erics self absorption is very evident in the little snippets of stories you have told on this thread, and I know exactly how you are feeling now- looking back at those times with clearer vision and wondering why you put up with that kind of treatment.

 

You didn't, ultimately. You are no longer putting up with it, and that is a good thing.

 

I highly doubt that the hooch will be getting all the Eric that you feel you missed out on.

 

Listen to your friends. They love you, and if they are relieved and happy you aren't together anymore, thats really saying something. Mine were the same when I split with my ex- they had all been so worried how I moulded myself to fit his ideals, and lost who I was along the way. Now that I am with Wonderboy they are happy that I seem to have found myself again, and STAYED that way, because he is fine with who i am.

 

SSG, I can't believe someone like you will stay on the shelf forever- don't forget that Eric did you a favour. He vacated the spot that the man of your dreams is going to fill one day.

Till you find him, look after yourself, make yourself happy and carry on doing all those amazing, interesting and selfless things that are part of who you are.

[freedom8]

You won't really know how to deal with it at the moment. You are still blinded and engulfed in his situation rather than yours. To tell you the truth, this may take some time but it will be a process where every few days you see a little clearer with things that YOU have to do and not the other way round. The truth is that after some time has past it really isn't about that person anymore. It becomes an inner emotion and feeling you have of what happened in that situation that made you either feel insecure, doubt, trust, betrayed etc. You realise this when the next relationship you see on the horizon endures these feelings before anything serious starts. That is when you know you have experienced but need to learn how to adapt and not compare anything with the emotions you felt in your last relationship as it will damage the current. It can also work as a little detector of any bad situation and you will know how to move away easier. In the end it will be all about you. People telling you to move on will not help, people telling you that you won't feel this way later on will not help. You have to learn to accept and give yourself time to heal as this is a daily process. You never feel it but it does happen. One thought that helped me was that I was brought into this world as one person not two. They were an addition in my life but now that I am alone again, sometimes it makes it easier to bare that the world started this way and nothing has changed but I've learnt more. Good luck with it all.

[justaman99]

I am so happy for you sunshine. Its a difficult run you went on and it's great to see you start to move think and act differently.

 

 

My friends emphasized that I need to start shifting my thoughts and attention to ME. Not him and his life. I want to get to that place, but it's not as easy as flipping a switch. I am not sure when my rabid karma/revenge/justice wishes will fade away. I said last night that I hope he's unhappy for years to come...my friends chided me with "come on, you won't feel that way in a year's time." Maybe not, but I do feel it right now and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.

 

You'll get past this. Sooner or later you'll have no negative feelings for em and he'll be so far from your mind you won't harbor the resentment. That's how I feel at least.

[sunshinegirl]

SSG,

 

You sound like someone I would LOVE to get to know. How amazing it is that you have done all those things.

 

Erics self absorption is very evident in the little snippets of stories you have told on this thread, and I know exactly how you are feeling now- looking back at those times with clearer vision and wondering why you put up with that kind of treatment.

 

You didn't, ultimately. You are no longer putting up with it, and that is a good thing.

 

I highly doubt that the hooch will be getting all the Eric that you feel you missed out on.

 

Listen to your friends. They love you, and if they are relieved and happy you aren't together anymore, thats really saying something. Mine were the same when I split with my ex- they had all been so worried how I moulded myself to fit his ideals, and lost who I was along the way. Now that I am with Wonderboy they are happy that I seem to have found myself again, and STAYED that way, because he is fine with who i am.

 

SSG, I can't believe someone like you will stay on the shelf forever- don't forget that Eric did you a favour. He vacated the spot that the man of your dreams is going to fill one day.

Till you find him, look after yourself, make yourself happy and carry on doing all those amazing, interesting and selfless things that are part of who you are.

 

Thank you SB. I've sometimes thought the same of you - too bad there's an ocean between us.

 

I needed to see these words this morning. It's another tough one of missing him, his body, how we used to cuddle in the mornings and our bodies fit together like jigsaw puzzle pieces.

 

Thank you justaman and freedom. I wish I could fast forward to the time when I don't care. In fact, I wish I could fast forward to the time when I can forgive him. Not just stop caring, but stop harboring anger and vengeance and extending a measure of forgiveness to him even when he doesn't deserve it and probably doesn't know how to extend forgiveness to his own ex-wife. I don't know, there would be something 'healing' about the universe if I could get to that place. I've gotten there with all my other exes and today I'm glad I'm not with any of them. I would like to be able to socialize with this ex without being the least bit bothered that he's with someone else.

 

That may be a year or more away. And in the meantime I still hope/wish the thing with the hooch blows up. Oy.