Was this sexual abuse?

[angie2443]

It was a little bit abuse but not so bad..

 

What do you mean by this?

[Ariadne]

What do you mean by this?

 

I mean, I could have been worse.

[Enema]

Might want to rephrase that. lol.

[whichwayisup]

It was a little bit abuse but not so bad.

 

WTF? How is this not so bad?

 

There was sexual touching (including genital areas) when she left for work.

Adriane, obviously this has affected her deeply! Her stepfather KNEW better! He was the adult, the responsible one.

 

Lhilu, I hope you know this wasn't your fault. I am sorry that you had to go through this abuse with your stepfather.

 

Counselling will help you, so please don't be afraid to reach out and get help.

[Green]

maybe it was bad, but from what she described in the post it may not even be sexual abuse. And so bad would have been if she had had something inserted in her, or was being threatened that if she told some one bad things would happen. This entire thread is only here because she's not even sure if she was sexualy abused and from the description I would say maybe no

[Mz. Pixie]

Of course someone touching your genitals is sexual abuse!!!! :sick:

 

So you think that only having something inserted in you makes it sexual abuse??? As a sexual abuse survivor I am more than offended by your statement.

 

Anything done to a child- dirty talk, touching of genitals, intercourse, oral sex- wtfever is considered sexual abuse.

 

Would you want someone touching your child's genitals??

[borelandkaren]

Agreed Pixie!!! And what's Mum's caper? Why the hell didn't she defend???If it was my child, hell to pay!!!! I was abused as a kid and let me tell you, it ****s with your head!

[angie2443]

maybe it was bad, but from what she described in the post it may not even be sexual abuse. And so bad would have been if she had had something inserted in her, or was being threatened that if she told some one bad things would happen. This entire thread is only here because she's not even sure if she was sexualy abused and from the description I would say maybe no

 

You are one sick twisted ....! Please, never have kids and keep yourself away from them. Have the decency to stay off this thread as it is evident you have no idea what you are talking about.

[Green]

You are one sick twisted ....! Please, never have kids and keep yourself away from them. Have the decency to stay off this thread as it is evident you have no idea what you are talking about.

 

Look I read the post wrong origionaly, the name of the thread is "Was this sexual abuse?" I think the OP might have either used the title for effect or acidently labled the touching as sexual when what she meant to do was ask for opion. either way I'd appreciate it if you were more mature and refrained from attacking me personally, my only point in writing my reply if you look to my origional post was that she should talk to a proffesional and not traumatize herself unecesarily.

[Taramere]

Look I read the post wrong origionaly, the name of the thread is "Was this sexual abuse?" I think the OP might have either used the title for effect or acidently labled the touching as sexual when what she meant to do was ask for opion. either way I'd appreciate it if you were more mature and refrained from attacking me personally, my only point in writing my reply if you look to my origional post was that she should talk to a proffesional and not traumatize herself unecesarily.

 

I think I can see what you mean. Possibly like a couple of other posters you read the title question and presented a literal response (ie focusing on what you think may or may not be classed as abuse)...perhaps not appreciating the emotional impact it would have on someone to

 

a) make a disclosure

b) have that disclosure handled insensitively. That's not to insult anyone, but handling disclosures is a specialised skill which even therapeutic professionals have to receive very thorough training in.

 

If a therapist told clients "well, maybe it was kind of abuse - but it could have been worse" I'm pretty sure they'd lose their practising licence fairly quickly. However well-intended, it can't be helpful to say something so blatantly dismissive to someone who's been working up the courage to address a personal issue. One that may have caused them distress and anxiety for a long time.

 

I agree with you that the OP is best seeking professional help about this. An Internet message board just isn't the place. I don't doubt there may be posters here who are trained to help, but there are far more who aren't...and the risk is that their input will just add to the confusion and distress of the person making the disclosure.

[Mz. Pixie]

...perhaps not appreciating the emotional impact it would have on someone to

 

a) make a disclosure

b) have that disclosure handled insensitively. That's not to insult anyone, but handling disclosures is a specialised skill which even therapeutic professionals have to receive very thorough training in.

 

 

I totally agree. I told my mother that my stepfather was sexually abusing me and she chose not to believe me- over him- and I cannot tell you how incredibly painful that was- and still is. I will probably never get over it. Her not believing me was almost worse than what he did. Because she was my mother and it was her job to protect me. Years later she told me that he deserved to be able to do that because he put me through private school. Needless to say she had some major issues herself.

 

Comments like the ones that some have made saying "Well maybe it was abuse but it's not as bad as if it were intercourse" is what keep people ignorant about sexual abuse. That makes it extremely frustrating for victims and much much harder for them to speak out- because they are afraid of the reactions they will get.

That's like saying "Yes you were raped but wouldn't it have been so much worse if he'd sodomized you as well". to a rape victim. Most people would never think of saying that to a rape victim would they?

 

There is no look on the bright side it could have been worse when it comes to sexual abuse. You are NEVER the same again. You can NEVER trust people like you did before- it never goes away. It's a lifetime sentence for the person who was abused. It colors the way you see the world, the way you react to stress, everything.

 

For instance, my daughter is six and shows great potential as far as playing the piano. She can hear a song and then play it. It's extremely hard though for me to let her take piano lessons from a man- even though I may know this man- because I'm afraid of someone sexually abusing her. It's little things like that that make your life harder after you've been through it.

 

When I originally sought therapy over 10 years ago my therapist asked me how many women I thought were victims of some type of sexual abuse. I guessed 7 out of 10 and she told me I was correct. She also stated that only 5 out of those seven ever tell anyone.

 

There are many women out there that are the walking wounded and the issues from the sexual abuse touch every aspect of their lives but yet they have never spoken out. I think that's tremendously sad but it because people say "Well it wasn't as bad as" or "You need to get over this".

 

It's not something that someone can say they understand how you feel- unless they have been through it. To the OP-sweetie, please get some help. Therapy will do wonders for you I promise.

[borelandkaren]

My ex sexually abused his stepdaughter for 4 years, denied it, got away with it. When he and I separated, I went to the police with my allegations. They asked him again and because he denied it, has gotten away with it scott free. When I accused him of rape in our relationship, I was told that it would never stand up in court because all he had to do was deny it. 'AUSTRALIA SAYS NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE'. I think not. His stepdaughter actually reported him when she was 15 and because he denied it this girl has had to live with this all of her life. Her mother knew what was going on as well and stood up for her husband. This girl is a little bit slow. Apparently she was a gorgeous young thing, gentle, loving. He ****ed everything for her. She ended up living in housing trust, with 5 kids and several of those have been taken from her. She was never penetrated either. Yep, totally harmless!!!!!!

[Green]

Comments like the ones that some have made saying "Well maybe it was abuse but it's not as bad as if it were intercourse" is what keep people ignorant about sexual abuse.

 

No one made that comment. Adrienne said it was abuse but not so bad.(which she was making to try to make the girl feel better) And when I was still under the view this thread was trying to figure out if she was abused becasue the title "was this sexual abuse" I was commenting on the fact that insertion would make it move obviously sexual abuse. And how are people ignorant? Acording to your statistic 7 out of 10 women are sexualy abused and I doubt the other 3 are ignorant. I realize this is a very emotional subject for you but please don't attack people on this thread.

 

Taramere made sense, of course anything I say or other people say runs the chance of sounding insensitive I have no experience in talking to people in her place. The main focus of my point even when I misunderstood the post was that she not rely on the msg board and seek experienced help sooner then later.

[Trialbyfire]

Lhilu, I hope you've had the opportunity to either book an appointment or already have had a session. Don't be afraid that if you don't like your counsellor, to find another one that you feel comfortable divulging information to. What's most important is finding someone you can connect with and trust implicitly.

 

Secrets can be deadly, in that they manifest into horrible things. Break that cycle and tell someone qualified, so you will realize that as a child, you're not responsible for an adult's actions.

[Mz. Pixie]

And so bad would have been if she had had something inserted in her, or was being threatened that if she told some one bad things would happen.

 

I'm sorry, but yes, what you said is it's not as bad as having something inserted in her. You may not have said it exactly the way I said you did, but that was the jist of your statement.

 

If you don't know something about the topic and how touchy it is for victims then the polite thing would have been to say you were sorry that she had experienced that and leave it at that.

[Green]

I'm sorry, but yes, what you said is it's not as bad as having something inserted in her. You may not have said it exactly the way I said you did, but that was the jist of your statement.

 

If you don't know something about the topic and how touchy it is for victims then the polite thing would have been to say you were sorry that she had experienced that and leave it at that.

 

 

I know enough to sugest she speak to a proffessional. When I said what I said it was in the context of figuring out "was this sexual abuse" it wasn't to put a level on the act. You completely misquoted and haven't paid any attention to my subsequent posts.

[angie2443]

There are many women out there that are the walking wounded and the issues from the sexual abuse touch every aspect of their lives but yet they have never spoken out. I think that's tremendously sad but it because people say "Well it wasn't as bad as" or "You need to get over this". .

 

I heard a lot of this when I would tell my story to someone I felt close to. Much of the abuse I experienced from my father was verbal, although some physical. After hearing "that wasn't that big of a deal" too many times, I learned to keep quiet about my past. For so many years I thought I was weak or overly emotional because I was hurt by something that was mostly "verbal". Even now, I strugle with how to view what happened to me.

 

I wish people would understand that a child doesn't have to be raped in order for sexual abuse to occur.

[Ariadne]

Comments like the ones that some have made saying "Well maybe it was abuse but it's not as bad as if it were intercourse" is what keep people ignorant about sexual abuse. That makes it extremely frustrating for victims and much much harder for them to speak out

 

What are you talking about?

 

The first time I was fondled by a guy I was 5.

 

Is no big deal. People should get over themselves or something.

 

That is like saying, your husband cheated on you. That's so, so, so awful. You have to go to therapy and it'd take years and years to get over that trauma for life.

 

Come on. He cheated, is not the end of world. Get over.

 

Fortunately some people don't make such a big deal out of bs.

[Nevermind]

Ariadne, you're out of line.

 

Calling something like this "bs" is not okay.

I am sorry to hear that you have been abused as a child, and I think you're so harsh and superficial about it, because that's what you have been told. You think it's nothing too bad and you just get over it. If it worked for you, fine. But it doesn't give you a right to look down on the pain of others.

 

Getting over it...so easy, right? Denver Guy? Must I say more?

 

OP: I suggest a therapy as well. If you're still reading, I feel sorry for what you went through and no matter what happened exactly you're still dealing with it. This alone warrants a therapy. You're not alone. And it wasn't your fault.

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, you're out of line.

 

Calling something like this "bs" is not okay.

I am sorry to hear that you have been abused as a child, and I think you're so harsh and superficial about it, because that's what you have been told. You think it's nothing too bad and you just get over it. If it worked for you, fine. But it doesn't give you a right to look down on the pain of others.

 

Getting over it...so easy, right? Denver Guy? Must I say more?

 

OP: I suggest a therapy as well. If you're still reading, I feel sorry for what you went through and no matter what happened exactly you're still dealing with it. This alone warrants a therapy. You're not alone. And it wasn't your fault.

 

I don't even consider that I was abused as a child or anything like it for that.

 

And yes, get over yourselves.

 

One thing is to get over your feelings for someone else, and another is an "infliction of an aggravation towards me how awful" get over.

[Ariadne]

Sample two:

 

This guy looked at me dirty. It made me feel very ashamed as a child. I was sexually abused as a child because of it. I'll need years and years of therapy to get over.

 

That's another get over yourself and grow up.

[Nevermind]

The OP wasn't looked at in a shady way, she was touched.

 

And it doesn't matter if you consider it abuse or not, telling someone in this situation to just "get over it", is rude, not emphatic and out of line in my opinion.

 

"infliction of an aggravation towards me how awful" get over.

 

I don't get it.

 

Getting over your feelings for someone is different, you're right. But not necesarily harder. Your case is "special" of course, because it's you and that makes everything different, right? Well, it doesn't. Other people have feelings, too.

 

Saying those things in a context of child abuse, no matter if you think it deserves this term or not, is rude and inconsiderate.

Why put more negativity towards a person who is suffering already? It won't make your life easier.

 

Just my 02. I won't reply further, because this is way off-topic.

[Ariadne]

Saying those things in a context of child abuse, no matter if you think it deserves this term or not, is rude and inconsiderate.

Why put more negativity towards a person who is suffering already? It won't make your life easier.

 

I'd have all my sympathies towards a child.

 

But as an adult you'll have to have some more understanding.

 

My impression was that the OP was mainly confused, and I replied to her in my first post.

[angie2443]

I wouldn't pay attention to Ariadne. People like this are either extremely ignorant, not to bright, or enjoying upsetting people by making mean, insensitive post to someone who is truely hurting. IMO, the best thing to do with such a poster, is not respond to them.

[White Flower]

I totally agree. I told my mother that my stepfather was sexually abusing me and she chose not to believe me- over him- and I cannot tell you how incredibly painful that was- and still is. I will probably never get over it. Her not believing me was almost worse than what he did. Because she was my mother and it was her job to protect me. Years later she told me that he deserved to be able to do that because he put me through private school. Needless to say she had some major issues herself.

Sometimes I just want to slap mothers silly!!!

 

I'm sorry you went through this. I've read a lot of your posts and I think you turned out to be a wonderful person despite all that you have gone through. Keep up being the wonderful woman you are!