Was this sexual abuse?

[White Flower]

I wouldn't pay attention to Ariadne. People like this are either extremely ignorant, not to bright, or enjoying upsetting people by making mean, insensitive post to someone who is truely hurting. IMO, the best thing to do with such a poster, is not respond to them.

I'm not sure, but I think she meant that her own abuse wasn't that harsh and she dealt with it OK. Abuse has different levels, too. It can still be a source of shame and one might need couseling to get over it.

[White Flower]

My mom married my stepfather when I was about 6 years old and I still used to get into their bed at night because I think I was traumatized by the voice. There was sexual touching (including genital areas) when she left for work.

 

It went on for quite some time and then my stepfather told my mom and she told me it was inappropriate for me to be doing it so I've grown up thinking I did something wrong. But I just recently shared it with a friend and she said it was definitely abuse and now I'm an emotional wreck:(

 

It has always confused me and would explain a lot of my problems but I really don't know what do now???

Did he touch you as well as you touching him? This might clarify some issues for some of your posters.

[angie2443]

I'm not sure, but I think she meant that her own abuse wasn't that harsh and she dealt with it OK. Abuse has different levels, too. It can still be a source of shame and one might need couseling to get over it.

 

I understand what you are saying. I don't know if you've ever experienced any kind of abuse like the OP so I don't know how this topic affects you personally. I can tell you that for many who have been abused as children, to hear statements such as the ones made by Ariadne, hurts, and in more ways than one. I personally feel that it is important not to compare abuse stories to determine which one is worse, and which one should be easy to "get over".

 

Also, I can understand why the 1st post might confuse some, but the following one where she mentioned cutting, does make it clear to me anyways that she was sexually abused. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is just how it comes across to me.

[White Flower]

I understand what you are saying. I don't know if you've ever experienced any kind of abuse like the OP so I don't know how this topic affects you personally. I can tell you that for many who have been abused as children, to hear statements such as the ones made by Ariadne, hurts, and in more ways than one. I personally feel that it is important not to compare abuse stories to determine which one is worse, and which one should be easy to "get over".

 

Also, I can understand why the 1st post might confuse some, but the following one where she mentioned cutting, does make it clear to me anyways that she was sexually abused. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is just how it comes across to me.

I did experience some abuse, but I don't feel I have the right to complain when so many had it worse than me. Sorry, I did not see the part about the cutting. I hope the OP goes for that counseling and figures it all out.

[Trialbyfire]

I understand what you are saying. I don't know if you've ever experienced any kind of abuse like the OP so I don't know how this topic affects you personally. I can tell you that for many who have been abused as children, to hear statements such as the ones made by Ariadne, hurts, and in more ways than one. I personally feel that it is important not to compare abuse stories to determine which one is worse, and which one should be easy to "get over".

 

Also, I can understand why the 1st post might confuse some, but the following one where she mentioned cutting, does make it clear to me anyways that she was sexually abused. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is just how it comes across to me.

angie, for yours and others benefit, you have to understand that Ariadne is anti-therapy, so her methodology is for everyone to "just get over it".

 

I will also state that I totally disagree with her attitude. Coping tools don't grow out of trees. They are learned approaches. In isolating your approach to coping by suppressing or ignoring serious trauma of any kind, you'll end up with some seriously dysfunctional thought processes. The sooner you get help and rewire, the sooner you'll learn to "get over it" but in a functional fashion.

[silktricks]

My mom married my stepfather when I was about 6 years old and I still used to get into their bed at night because I think I was traumatized by the voice. There was sexual touching (including genital areas) when she left for work.

 

It went on for quite some time and then my stepfather told my mom and she told me it was inappropriate for me to be doing it so I've grown up thinking I did something wrong. But I just recently shared it with a friend and she said it was definitely abuse and now I'm an emotional wreck:(

 

It has always confused me and would explain a lot of my problems but I really don't know what do now???

I don't understand, what voice, what trauma?

 

Who was the toucher and who the touchee? Do you know what your stepdad told your mom? Did what was said match what you remember happening? What happened may have been abuse, but it may not have been, too. Cutting is a method of control, but there can be many reasons people want more control in there lives. Sexual abuse is only one of many. You really should get to a counselor.

[angie2443]

I did experience some abuse, but I don't feel I have the right to complain when so many had it worse than me. Sorry, I did not see the part about the cutting. I hope the OP goes for that counseling and figures it all out.

 

I'm confused. Are some people thinking that the OP is complaining? I guess I don't understand what some people on this thread mean by complaining. I don't think talking about something and saying that something harmed you is making a complaint. I feel like I'm missing something.

[angie2443]

angie, for yours and others benefit, you have to understand that Ariadne is anti-therapy, so her methodology is for everyone to "just get over it". .

 

I should have read this before my last post.

 

I also think that people are reading the original post in two differant ways. Some are taking it like she touched her stepfather, but he did nothing wrong, and some are looking at it like he touched her. It would help if the OP gave more details.

 

I do think the cutting makes it sound as if she was abused as cutting is corrilated with sexual abuse, although certainly not all people who were abused, cut.

[Ariadne]

angie, for yours and others benefit, you have to understand that Ariadne is anti-therapy, so her methodology is for everyone to "just get over it".

 

No. I wouldn't say that.

 

I'm more about understanding and having a deep insight on any situation.

 

What I did say was to get over yourselves. I think people make most of their trubles by having too much ego.

[tinktronik]

I should have read this before my last post.

 

I also think that people are reading the original post in two differant ways. Some are taking it like she touched her stepfather, but he did nothing wrong, and some are looking at it like he touched her. It would help if the OP gave more details.

 

I do think the cutting makes it sound as if she was abused as cutting is corrilated with sexual abuse, although certainly not all people who were abused, cut.

I have been following the thread and lurking . I was waiting for someone to ask for clarification as well. It has not been established as to what exactly happened. Did she grab at her step-father and then he went to Mom and told her about it . OR , did the step-father fondle her. Those two things are very different and spell out abuse or no abuse. So in effect, we need more clarification.

[Ariadne]

I have been following the thread and lurking . I was waiting for someone to ask for clarification as well. It has not been established as to what exactly happened. Did she grab at her step-father and then he went to Mom and told her about it . OR , did the step-father fondle her. Those two things are very different and spell out abuse or no abuse. So in effect, we need more clarification.

 

It seems that there was some touching going on for some time (probably both sides):

 

There was sexual touching (including genital areas) when she left for work...It went on for quite some time

 

When she told the mother, the mother told her not to do that anymore because it was an inpropriate thing to do. She even felt like she was doing something wrong.

 

Years later, she told a friend and the friend told her she was abused. So she became an emotional wreck that she was abused according to the friend.

[tinktronik]

It seems that there was some touching going on for some time (probably both sides):

 

There was sexual touching (including genital areas) when she left for work...It went on for quite some time

 

When she told the mother, the mother told her not to do that anymore because it was an inpropriate thing to do. She even felt like she was doing something wrong.

 

Years later, she told a friend and the friend told her she was abused. So she became an emotional wreck that she was abused according to the friend.

Probably just does not work for me, and this is a very sensitive topic to launch into maybe. I'd just prefer the OP to be more specific. If she has a question as to wether or not it was even sexual abuse, there is most likely a reason. What is "a long time" is a variable that is different for all people particularly children , was it a one time thing? Many times? Did she touch him? If so , was he asleep? Did he touch her? ect.

It suggests to me that there is actually a question of this being sexual abuse o not.

[Ariadne]

Did she touch him? If so , was he asleep? Did he touch her?

 

I'd suspect that the guy touched her and made her touch him.

 

I don't think she'd come up with that on her own or care to touch the guy on her initiative.

 

That's just my impression. And it was probably more than once.

[tinktronik]

I'd suspect that the guy touched her and made her touch him.

 

I don't think she'd come up with that on her own or care to touch the guy on her initiative.

 

That's just my impression. And it was probably more than once.

 

Adriene, Im sorry but you are not the OP . Suspect , guesswork, impressions? What for? In order to even answer the topic the OP needs to answer these ?'s. There is no point in getting upset with the way posters decide to reply or making effort to defend the OP if the ? itself is murky.

[silktricks]

I'm still hung-up on the first paragraph where she said she got in bed with her folks because she was traumatized by the voice. What's that all about? What voice, what caused that trauma. This is a swell bunch of supposition going on here, but it's based on pretty much nothing at all.

 

BTW, she said her step-dad told her mom, not that she told her mom.

[tinktronik]

I had completely missed the part about the voice. I reread it ,Interesting. I agree though that supposition does no good.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sometimes I just want to slap mothers silly!!!

 

I'm sorry you went through this. I've read a lot of your posts and I think you turned out to be a wonderful person despite all that you have gone through. Keep up being the wonderful woman you are!

 

Thank you White Flower, that was a very nice post.

[Taramere]

Having the poster come back to clarify the situation might help other posters to understand it better, but I'm not sure it would help the OP herself. Her best bet would surely be to sit down with a skilled counsellor - focus less on putting a particular label on what happened or recalling the specifics of it.. more on figuring out what her current feelings are about this particular memory, how those feelings are affecting her thinking, behaviour and self image and how she can effectively manage those feelings in order to start moving forward.

 

Ariadne made the point that some people will have a sexual experience in early life which they think is no big deal. That's a controversial point. Understandably people get agitated by any notion that we should in any minimise the harm that's often caused to children by sexual abuse. Many people find it hard to function in adulthood due to early abuse, and it's pretty universally accepted that we should do the best we can to protect children from that.

 

At the same time, automatically assuming that long term psychological damage will be caused to all children who have had sexual experiences can be pretty unhelpful. "Psychologically damaged" is a pretty serious label - and that's the label that we risk attaching to children when we react in a very horrified, disgusted manner to disclosures of abuse. When a person meets with that reaction, in response to a disclosure of abuse, I think they can feel stigmatised by it - even though it's the act of the abuser rather than the abused which is eliciting the anger and disgust.

 

It's tricky to reach that balance between putting a clear message out about the unacceptability of adults handling children in a sexualised manner, and avoiding stigmatising any children who have been sexualised in that way.

 

My impression of Ariadne's post was that her point may have been about taking care not to react with such force and emotion to something like this that the person is left feeling "Jesus...something totally horrendous happened to me, and it's going to take God knows what to undo the damage." Catastrophising things like this can sometimes do as much harm as minimising them. It seems better to let a person figure out themselves (with the right prompting questions) how they feel then take it from there.

[Trialbyfire]

No. I wouldn't say that.

 

I'm more about understanding and having a deep insight on any situation.

 

What I did say was to get over yourselves. I think people make most of their trubles by having too much ego.

If I recall from many past posts, you cannot deny that you're anti-therapy.

 

As for having understanding and deep insight, cutting is something to take seriously and cannot be ascribed to ego.

 

Point blank Ariadne, before you start telling people to get over a potential situation of abuse, you'd better think twice about it. No one but a professional should be handling a situation as delicate as this, particularly one that includes cutting.

[borelandkaren]

:mad:What part of 6 year old child and adult and genital touching is everyone not seeing?????? Don't give a **** about any of it other than whoever it was that said that adult/child......WRONG!!!!Nothing else matters here, people!!!!! If you have an adult touching a child, this is paedophilia and nothing else. Mum is a bitch for doing nothing about it and Stepdad should be prosecuted to the letter of the law. THINK!!!!! Children are not SEXUAL beings in any sense of the word. They are innocent and should be left to explore when they are ready to do so with the presence of mind of an adult. How dare anyone to intimate that a six year old child would do anything sexual to an adult without having been led upon that path!! Adults can make children do things, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!

[tinktronik]

:mad:What part of 6 year old child and adult and genital touching is everyone not seeing?????? Don't give a **** about any of it other than whoever it was that said that adult/child......WRONG!!!!Nothing else matters here, people!!!!! If you have an adult touching a child, this is paedophilia and nothing else. Mum is a bitch for doing nothing about it and Stepdad should be prosecuted to the letter of the law. THINK!!!!! Children are not SEXUAL beings in any sense of the word. They are innocent and should be left to explore when they are ready to do so with the presence of mind of an adult. How dare anyone to intimate that a six year old child would do anything sexual to an adult without having been led upon that path!! Adults can make children do things, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!

I understand your point here, but the Op never sated what the sitch was.And as for a few things here , you obviously DON'T have children.

 

Children are humans and are indeed sexual , although in an innocent way.

"Adults can make children do things, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!" This statement is actually funny.

 

I understand your anger, it is one that we are quick to jump to with the idea of a child being hurt. But the OP did not clarify so there is some ? indeed as the wether this was child abuse. I agree that the OP should not relive her abuse here and instead should seek guidence with a professional.

[Kamille]

I don't see how who did the touching is relevant in this situation.

 

He was the adult and therefore he was the one that had responsibility for the situation. Not the six year old child. She said the touching went on for a period of time before he told her mother. Whether she did the touching or he did the touching, it was up to him to react appropriately the first time it happened (by explaining to her that that kind of touching should only happen between two consenting adults or whatever) and not let it happen again.

 

And whether or not she considers it to be sexual abuse, it did obviously have a major impact on her (she felt shamed and she felt she had done something wrong). OP, I encourage you to seek therapy to deal with the impact those feelings had on your coping skills.

[borelandkaren]

I understand your point here, but the Op never sated what the sitch was.And as for a few things here , you obviously DON'T have children.

 

Children are humans and are indeed sexual , although in an innocent way.

"Adults can make children do things, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!!" This statement is actually funny.

 

I understand your anger, it is one that we are quick to jump to with the idea of a child being hurt. But the OP did not clarify so there is some ? indeed as the wether this was child abuse. I agree that the OP should not relive her abuse here and instead should seek guidence with a professional.

 

 

I reiterate because this is getting out of hand. Children are not sexual AS FAR AS ADULTS AND CHILDREN TOGETHER ARE CONCERNED!!! I realise that children have their own sexuality and that they are experimental as well but this does not equate to experimentation with adults. Yes I do have a child, he is grown and never had to worry about mummy letting stepparents touch him! And how do you figure that children can get adults to do things. Last time I heard adults were in the position of responsibility. :mad:Children may be able to con adults into certain things but surely this comes down to the situation. Conning an adult into buying them a toy is different to a child asking for sexual gratification! Doesn't happen unless the child is damaged by an adult in the first place.

[Taramere]

I reiterate because this is getting out of hand. Children are not sexual AS FAR AS ADULTS AND CHILDREN TOGETHER ARE CONCERNED!!! I realise that children have their own sexuality and that they are experimental as well but this does not equate to experimentation with adults.

 

I don't think anyone has said at any point on this thread that it's okay for children and adults to sexually experiment with eachother.

 

Out of sheer curiosity, some children will occasionally try to touch adults inappropriately - and need some help in establishing appropriate boundaries in this respect. Unless they're a paedophile, nobody wants a child touching them in an intimate place - regardless of the innocence of the motives. At the same time most of us are cautious about not wanting to over-react and cause "issues".

 

Children can be flirtatious with adults for no reason other than that they think it's fun and enjoy the attention it brings them. I liked, as a child, to lift up my top and show my parents' more attractive male friends my belly button. I would also talk about "fancying" various men. My parents dealt with this by teasing me in a way that was affectionate but at the same time gave me a subtle "okay that's enough. Stop it." message.

 

In a case of direct touching by a child, which is more awkward to deal with, I think it would be fair for a man to firmly push the child's hand away and say a very definite "no!"

 

I think rather than deny vehemently that children do sometimes behave in quite sexual or flirtatious ways around adults, it makes more sense to accept that they do, that this is normal...and talk about how adults can react responsibly, and in a way that will encourage the child to develop suitable boundaries to protect them from the kind of adults who would exploit that behaviour.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

If I recall from many past posts, you cannot deny that you're anti-therapy.

 

It is not that I'm anti-anything. But it's the fact that nothing that I have heard from therapy has impressed me, but instead, has disappointed me.

 

On the other hand, I have noticed that therapy nowadays has become a commodity, kind of like fast food.

 

If you are hungry, go to the drive-thru, if you have a problem, go to see the therapist.

 

It has created a brain-dead people society that can't think on their own, but that instead hope that some therapist is going to solve their problems for them.

 

Kind of like going to see the wizard, the Wizard of Oz.

 

As you can see here:

 

You should seek some professional help

 

Please get some therapy' date=' you're going to need help rewiring your brain.[/quote']

 

Counselling will help you, so please don't be afraid to reach out and get help.

 

Definately get the counsiling as soon as possible.

 

I agree with you that the OP is best seeking professional help about this.

 

To the OP-sweetie, please get some help. Therapy will do wonders for you I promise.

 

Break that cycle and tell someone qualified

 

I know enough to sugest she speak to a proffessional.

 

OP: I suggest a therapy as well.

 

It can still be a source of shame and one might need couseling to get over it.

You really should get to a counselor.

 

I agree that the OP should not relive her abuse here and instead should seek guidence with a professional.

 

OP, I encourage you to seek therapy to deal with the impact those feelings had on your coping skills.